The embarrassing calendar was sabotaged as a protest, according to the government. Britain’s historic bid for freedom is being mocked by crybaby losers.
Calendar expert May Bank-Holliday showed LCD Views a copy, and gave us an insider’s view. “Each page has an uplifting slogan or news item,” she revealed. “Like Brexit Means Brexit!! or Historic Trade Deal With Antarctica Unveiled!! Something to raise the spirits.”
She also disclosed that each month there was a picture of a Brexit pin-up. “For example, look here at February. Mr February is Nigel Farage in corset and fishnets,” she said.
The odd thing is that Farage in drag is not the reason for the recall. A blunder by the printers meant that every date reads April 1st.
“Brexit Day is of course Friday March 29th,” Bank-Holliday continued. “The weekend will be taken up with a national street party. Adequate British food and inadequate British wine will be consumed. England’s World Cup victory from 1966 will be played constantly, on a loop. The real start of Brexit will be a hangover on Monday April 1st.”
With that apt metaphor in place, we took the opportunity of glancing through the calendar. It appears that after a few weeks, the inspirational messages underwent a subtle change. “Brexit means Bullshit!!” and “The UK Is The Laughing Stock Of The World!!” featured early on, whereas Mr October was actually Donald Trump holding what looked like a mushroom.
“It wasn’t an error, it was an act of sabotage!” exclaimed DExEU spokesman LaFinn Stock. “Why can’t they understand that Brexit is happening and needs to happen? The saboteurs have made us into a laughing stock!”
Passing over the irony, we asked Stock to explain why Brexit had to happen before April 1st. Sovereignty, maybe, or tighter immigration controls?
“End of the tax year,” he said. “So all the skilled people can enjoy their dividends immediately!”
Sunlit uplands? You could have fooled me.