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May to appeal to Labour voters for support now she’s alienated all the Tory ones

Theresa May (Extreme Tory) PM is set to appeal for support from Labour and centre voters by continuing to deny they even exist.

”It’s important to get on with the job of governance,” Mr Stock Holm, an aide to the PM, told LCD Views, “this is made a touch difficult after alienating all your support.”

But…

”But by denying the existence of the centre of British politics (evidenced by every policy decision taken since 2016), and the ground to the left and right, we can do that more fully by tapping into the voters on the far right. Which curiously means Labour voters currently as Labour leaders are also supporting the far right by pursuing Brexit.”

But that is not all?

”They share the most memes. The extremes. Theye are good at memes. Also, by appealing to Labour, it makes governing easier, because most active Labour activists are really bloody easy to distract,

”Start a story that the “leader” planted an illegal variety of turnip in his allotment that is only found in a Soviet era gulag and they’ll obsess over that smear for weeks. This leaves us free to continue our policy of making everything required to run society user pays, while still increasing taxes by stealth for those who can’t evade them. Of course many users can’t pay. This allows Darwinian forces to rid us of the lazy.”

The appeal to Labour and the centre will be made directly via editorials in right wing, tax dodger owned tabloid, propaganda rags.

”It’s sure to hit home. With the far right. Which are supported by the far left. As the centre doesn’t exist, proven by the loss of our majority in the 2017 GE, and the surge of green and orange voteshare at the local elections, we’ll be able to govern by further dodgy deals with minority forces in British politics. This will make our policies more extreme, which will further appeal to the far right. And distract the far left. Making them more vitriolic and less likely to attract swing, centre support. This is fine as the centre doesn’t exist. This all makes perfect sense.”

But what of the danger from the far left of British politics also denying the centre doesn’t exist?

”Oh, Yes, it’s a risk alright. Good old comrade Corbs and his policy of also leaving the single market to stop all those job thieves crossing the English Channel, he is also denying the centre exists. He’s also alienating his support slowly. But he’s pleasing the far right. But it will be okay, if we can just cling onto power long enough a lot of his voters will get fed up and won’t know who to vote for at all. Which is alright, for the far right.”

Who no one is denying the existence of?

”Clearly. As Brexit means Brexit and that’s a policy that unites. As you can see, it’s all very straightforward. We both main parties committed to Brexit there is no need for an actual policy fight.”

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Concentration of the Earth’s wealth in one place causes climate change

Climate change has sometimes been linked, tenuously, to rampant capitalism. Now a more direct connection has been discovered. Capitalism has literally sent the Earth’s orbit out of kilter.

The extra weight displacement is the problem. Tons and tons of gold have been moved to the Cayman Islands. The result is startling.

Astrophysicist Melton Glacier clarified the science for LCD Views. “Gold is very heavy,” he explained. “Putting hundreds of tons of the stuff on a Pacific atoll to stop anyone else getting at it causes a shift in the Earth’s centre of gravity.”

This in turn alters the balance of the Earth. It changes its orbit and angle of rotation slightly – but enough to cause some weird weather.

“The path the Earth takes around the Sun has changed,” Glacier continued. “This makes for hotter summers and colder winters.”

There is a limit, however. “And it’s not what you might think!” said Glacier. “Sooner or later the Cayman Islands will collapse under the weight of gold. Nobody knows when this might be, because nobody knows quite how much gold is hidden away.”

The ensuing tsunami will cause massive, widespread destruction and the precious gold will be buried for ever. NASA is preparing to move Heaven and Earth to find a solution

The gravity of the situation weighs heavily on Glacier’s mind. “Gravity means gravity,” he sighs. “It has the potential to cause a chaotic orbit. The Earth could break free from the solar system. It would then wander through space at will, but lose the warmth of the sun.”

The Earth will in all probability find another host star. Little green men from Alpha Centauri are not happy about this.

“We don’t want any more aliens invading us,” claimed little green president Kleeroff Weerful, via a translation matrix from several light years’ distance. “They will drain our resources and they talk funny. We hate non-greens!”

It’s a big old universe out there, but some themes are universal.

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Testing reveals paper on Trump’s sole is cleaner than his soul

LCD Views can report this morning that extensive laboratory testing carried out overnight on the toilet paper stuck to Donald Trump’s sole has shown it to be far cleaner than his soul.

”It was just an ungodly mess,” Professor Seint Petyr of the Hades Institute for Judging People told LCD Views,

“in all my years of work, both in the field and in the lab, I’ve rarely seen some two-ply paper which was inadvertently dropped on the floor rather than in the bowl in this condition.”

The Professor showed us a series of slides at this point. We have chosen not to reproduce because we are a clean and hygienic publication.

”How the paper managed to remain intact and stuck to the shoe of the serial draft dodging, misogynistic tax evader is anyone’s guess. We can’t even guess and we’re experts! So once we set to comparison of the paper and the soul of the dog whistling racist, white supremacy advocating president who somehow still made it into the Oval Office in spite of being on tape confessing to serial sexual harassments, well, we had to hold our noses. Nothing really prepared us for what we found embedded in the crinkles and folds of Donald Trump’s soul. Quite amazing. I doubt even the strongest bleach will remove the accumulation of hate peddling, self serving shit that adheres there. External fire may burn it off, but would probably result in the destruction also of the underlying substance. And then think of how efficient the ventilation will need to be.”

Given the devastating results of the analysis, we thought it only fair to allow the paper itself comment.

”I couldn’t believe it,” the toilet paper that was stuck to the President of the United State’s shoe said, “I don’t know how much Soros paid the numerous aides and security accompanying the president not to mention to him he had me stuck to his sole before he was filmed? But I would hazard a guess at nothing at all. They presumably just keep quiet and tried not to laugh out loud,

”I mean if you were one of that big child’s minders who had to constantly contend with his tantrums, wouldn’t you?”

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Irish border issue resolved after red line on the map redrawn as a dotted line

The Irish border. That pesky Red Line. One of the biggest sticking points in the Brexit negotiations. The harder the Brexit, the harder the border. So how can you have an Irish border that is both there and not there? Simple. You redraw it as a broken line.

All sides insist that the border must remain open and frictionless. But any Brexit worthy of the name necessarily includes a land border between the UK and the EU. So the border must be both there and not there. You might say it’s neither here or there, but it’s most definitely there.

The solution came from an unlikely source. Physical geographer Dr Shannon Estuary explains. “All borders are artificial, to some extent,” she said. “In many cases, they are simply red lines drawn on to a map, often in an arbitrary manner. The British are past masters at drawing borders. To stop the red line becoming an obstacle, you can simply rub bits out and leave a dotted line.”

Dr Estuary clarifies how neat this solution is. “It means you can have a hard border where you want it to be hard, and frictionless transit in between!” she boasted. “A solution Boris Johnson himself would be proud of.”

It would give the border a whole new look, she emphasised. “It would mean a shake-up,” she said. “The border would wiggle up and down like a snake. It would be above ground in some places, below in others, but most definitely present throughout its whole length!”

Construction would be problematic, she concedes. “However, since the UK is so determined to kick out unskilled European tradesmen, the Republic would have to take them in, and make them build the dotted border,” she said. “We wouldn’t need to pay them, call it a thank-you for allowing them to scrounge off us for so long.”

So long, and thanks for all the bricks.

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Government announces epic Dover door closing ceremony for 29th March 2019

Her  Majesty’s Government has moved to get all the people onside with the announcement of an epic Dover door closing ceremony to be held on the 29th March 2019.

“A giant, animatronic Theresa May will slam closed a monumental, real door in the face of France at the moment the United Kingdom regains complete idiocy next March,” Ceremony organiser Owen Paterson told LCD Views, during a windswept interview on the cliffs of Dover.

“Let me correct that. The moment the UK regains total sovereignty to be bossed about forever more by the three major global power blocs, the USA, China and the tyrannical EU.”

Quite how the French will take the slamming shut of the door is anyone’s guess, but it’s most likely it will trigger an urgent desire to negotiate a bilateral trade deal favourable to Global Britain Empire 2.0.

“It’ll put the wind right up the cheese eating surrender monkeys,” Mr Paterson affirmed, nodding vigorously, “they don’t like it up them. British diplomacy is the best in the world.”

As to what will happen with the ceremony if there is a change in government before the 29th March 2019, well, contingencies are in place.

“We’ve a spare cardboard cutout Corbyn ready to be wheeled up to the cliff edge and slam the door instead,” Mr Paterson said, “never forget he called for the triggering of Article 50 on the 24th June 2016. For some baffling reason not related to any cursory examination of his parliamentary voting record over decades, some of his supporters believe he is a remainer. It’s pretty funny. I’d be just as happy with him slamming the door shut as I will be with Queen Boudicca 2.0 doing it.”

Perhaps they could slam the door shut together? As they’re agreed that freedom of movement must end, and all that means for the workforce, future aspirations and freedoms of the citizens of Brextannia?

“Good idea. That will unite the country already coming together over the cross party leadership initiative of Brexit. I’ll have Seamus talk to Davis and line it up. We can wheel them up to the cliff edge on a giant trolley together. As long as there’s not a stiff breeze on the day, they shouldn’t be blown over. Slam the door! And slam it shut!”

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Dancing robot to appear on Strictly

In a shock announcement, the next series of Strictly Come Dancing will include dancing robots. Appearing alongside C3PO, Kryten, K-9 and Marvin, will be the Maybot 2.0©.

Insiders reveal that the Maybot 2.0© will dance the cha-cha-cha to the tune of Dancing Queen. Strictly judge Yubin Tangoed remarked, “It’s a brave new era for Strictly. The new range of automatons can dance at least as well as the average numpty who once appeared in series two of TOWIE.”

A battalion of programmers is reputedly on standby. The Maybot 2.0© is capable of repetitive, if clichéd, moves. In order to win, something resembling soul and rhythm will need to come to the fore.

“Soul and rhythm do not come naturally to the Maybot 2.0©,” said automaton designer Rob Ottix. “It was a GPS prototype. That’s Genuine Political Speaker, by the way.”

The Maybot 2.0©’s voice sequencer was based upon that utilised for years by Professor Stephen Hawking. It has a female voice equally devoid of nuance and inflection. Earlier models (e.g. the Maybot 1.3©) ran on wheels, like R2D2. One witty designer dubbed it “T2M2”. However walking technology was utilised, with some success. “Even so, the Maybot 2.0© walks like a constipated giraffe,” remarked Ottix.

The breakthrough came after a designers’ party at which they consumed large quantities of soft drinks and played Dungeons And Dragons. “The sugar caused the winners to spontaneously perform a dance,” revealed Ottix. “And we thought, we could programme the Maybot 2.0© to dance! What a night. By 5am the sugar had worn off, but the Maybot 2.0© could dance. Well, sort of.”

“Unfortunately, its movements were still rather jerky and uncoordinated,” Ottix continued. “However, we had set ourselves a deadline because Strictly entries had to be made later that morning. So there was no time to refine the algorithms.”

The Maybot 2.0© believes that it can win. In this case, though, it may truly be that No Dance is better than a Bad Dance.

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Macedonia votes to change name to United Kingdom

The “Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia” (FYROM) has voted in a national referendum to change its name to The United Kingdom.

The vote, held Sunday recorded a turnout of 78%, of whom 83% voted in favour of the surprise change.

The referendum was held with the aim of bringing an end to more than 20 years of uncertainty caused by Greece’s refusal to recognise the name “Macedonia” which it regards as indicating territorial ambitions against its northern province of Macedonia.

A dispute which has prevented Macedonia from progressing with its aims to join both the European union and NATO.

“By adopting the name of a soon to be former member we can slip in through the back door while the “Former United Kingdom A La London” (FUK ALL) gets bounced out of the front door by Junckers and Tusk,” laughed Macedonian Prime Minister Alexander Da Great.

Da Great confirmed that his government had sought and obtained permission from the European Commission for the change.

“They’re well up for it – means they won’t have to change the stationery or the Internet site, while we get all the EU grants and subsidies the idiots over at Brexit have turned their noses up at,” he smirked.

Responding to questions from reporters as to whether Macedonia – as unitary state and  former communist republic, had any logical right to call itself a “United kingdom,”, Da Great was unapologetic.

“Anyone who thinks the UK is in any way “United” clearly doesn’t read the news, and it demonstrably hasn’t been a Kingdom since 1952,” he pointed out, adding:

“Unless of course their Queen is really bloke in a dress!”

A spokesman for the European commission confirmed that there would be no barrier to Macedonia joining the EU under the name United Kingdom, but London would need to take steps if it wants to continue a trading relationship with the 28 state union.

“They’ll need to decide on a new name, unless they want to continue to be known by the same name as they’ll be getting from us – “FUK ALL“,” he smirked.

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Britain forges ahead as Brexit sees boom in Brits with fake EU27 birth certificates

“Britain is forging ahead with Brexit,” Liz Truss, who landed with the other aliens in V, will tell a rapt Tory Conference hall later today, “and Britons are forging ahead in other areas too.”

At this precise moment we can expect her to pause pregnantly, stare vacantly ahead, letting the tension rise, before cutting it with a brick.

”For too long Britons have turned to other countries to fulfill our need for counterfeit goods, such as fake cheese, replica pork, which is a shame!”

Another pause, full of puppies in a sack all squirming for release. She will inhale, raise a clenched fist and go on,

”Well no more! Only by grasping the opportunities presented by Brexit can this great country produce all its own moody goods at home.”

Yet another dramatic pause. Absence of visible thought to provoke anticipation in her audience.

”Take fake birth certificates? If you don’t have the roughly £750K required to buy yourself a burgundy passport to retain F O M after B R E X I T, then it’ll be perfectly easy to pop down to your local food bank and see Big Harry around the back and arrange for the birth certificate of the country of your choice.”

Apparently with modern, portable, digital printing methods Big Harry will knock you out a Belgium or a German, or heaven forbid, a French birth certificate in seconds for a reasonable fee payable in used bank notes or bitcoin.

”After you have the certificate simply send it to the Home Office and request settled status and one of our award winning enforcement vans will have you on the other side of the channel faster than you can say get some pork on your fork.”

Britain is forging ahead with Brexit and Britons are forging a new future outside of Brexitannia. It’s a boom indiusty of today and tomorrow.

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May to begin conference speech with “I’m not a racist, but”

Theresa May is well positioned to trump Boris Johnson’s big speech of yesterday when she begins her second last major addition to British oratory with the well worn classic turn “I’m not a racist, but”.

The penultimate prime minister of the United Kingdom will take the stage later today in front of letters welded to a backdrop that in the words of the designers are “strong enough to survive a nuclear blast, but maybe not the corrosive atmosphere in the conference hall, so she better talk fast.”

It’s rumoured she will also be carrying her own P45, but that is just standard, as every day she wakes up expecting to need it.

”She’s really going to stuff Boris with I’m not a racist, but, it’s the truth of course and it will hit home in the hall. Especially with the young battalion of future Tory MPs there. They’ve learned to say it with their mother’s milk.”

To underline her creditionals she will further explain her new immigration scheme.

”People smuggling. We are going to boost that astronomically as landed born to rule types import their domestic workers illegally after Brexit. Best of all you won’t even have to pay them minimum wage as they’ll be hiding from the Home Office special police all the time.”

In addition to this exciting development the Prime Minister will also promise and extension to the hostile environment policies to embrace anyone not born in a Home county.

”The go home vans are coming back too, well, assuming we can get enough proper British people out of the ration queues with the strength to drive them.”

Opportunity, but. Modern conservatism.

”And given the official opposition has also pledged to leave the single market, the overwhelming majority of voters get to be chorus.”

Now all together Global Britain, this is our government, in one voice say, I’m not a racist, but. 

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Send your child’s dreams up in smoke – DWP release chimney sweep work app for kids

Esther McVey blew them away today at the 2018 Conservative Party Conference in Birmingham with the  release of ‘Youth Sweep’, a smart phone based app that will ensure every child has work, no matter how disasterous the post Brexit world is.

Esther agreed to speak only to LCD Views after the release of the app, WHICH WORKS, an honour we felt keenly.

”Do you have any children?” Esther began the interview, “and if so, are they at school or are they adding to the vital output of Brexitannia by working?”

We had to admit they were currently at school.

”I’ll soon see to that. Working with the Chancellor and our colleagues in the department of Education we are going to make state education so expensive, by way of endless parental top ups, that you’ll soon have to choose which child to educate and which to send out to work. Well, if you want to eat in the post Brexit inflation driven food shortage crisis that is.”

Maybe we could educate one and eat the other? Two birds with one stone?

”Oh, have you been talking to Gove? Do you know if he’s backing Boris or Jacob?”

We couldn’t say. We suspect he’s telling everyone he’s backing them. But let’s hear more about this exciting app?

”See chimney? Well, stuff a child up it. That’s my motto.”

Send your child’s dreams up in smoke?

”That’s why we get up in the morning, we modern Conservatives, so completely corrupted by greed and a mixture of American neocon and Russian kleptocrat cash!”

You are certainly making great strides!

”But there is one important restriction on who can download and find work with the Youth Sweep app.”

And that is?

”Any family rich enough to buy their children an EU27 burgundy passport to go with their British blue will not be allowed to take jobs from the poor.”

That’s very kind of you.

”Full child employment and zero education, that’s my motto!”

You certainly have a lot of mottos.

”I do. Now, have you got any Dalmatian puppies?”

How many do you need?

”101 ought to do!”

Download ‘Youth Sweep’ today, get your child prepared for the employment of tomorrow.