Her Majesty’s Government has moved to get all the people onside with the announcement of an epic Dover door closing ceremony to be held on the 29th March 2019.
“A giant, animatronic Theresa May will slam closed a monumental, real door in the face of France at the moment the United Kingdom regains complete idiocy next March,” Ceremony organiser Owen Paterson told LCD Views, during a windswept interview on the cliffs of Dover.
“Let me correct that. The moment the UK regains total sovereignty to be bossed about forever more by the three major global power blocs, the USA, China and the tyrannical EU.”
Quite how the French will take the slamming shut of the door is anyone’s guess, but it’s most likely it will trigger an urgent desire to negotiate a bilateral trade deal favourable to Global Britain Empire 2.0.
“It’ll put the wind right up the cheese eating surrender monkeys,” Mr Paterson affirmed, nodding vigorously, “they don’t like it up them. British diplomacy is the best in the world.”
As to what will happen with the ceremony if there is a change in government before the 29th March 2019, well, contingencies are in place.
“We’ve a spare cardboard cutout Corbyn ready to be wheeled up to the cliff edge and slam the door instead,” Mr Paterson said, “never forget he called for the triggering of Article 50 on the 24th June 2016. For some baffling reason not related to any cursory examination of his parliamentary voting record over decades, some of his supporters believe he is a remainer. It’s pretty funny. I’d be just as happy with him slamming the door shut as I will be with Queen Boudicca 2.0 doing it.”
Perhaps they could slam the door shut together? As they’re agreed that freedom of movement must end, and all that means for the workforce, future aspirations and freedoms of the citizens of Brextannia?
“Good idea. That will unite the country already coming together over the cross party leadership initiative of Brexit. I’ll have Seamus talk to Davis and line it up. We can wheel them up to the cliff edge on a giant trolley together. As long as there’s not a stiff breeze on the day, they shouldn’t be blown over. Slam the door! And slam it shut!”