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Boris Johnson joins celebrity video message site – just £50 gets you a personal message

24/7 BOGOFF SALE : The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson, is known to be under a lot of financial pressure, although that doesn’t make him a security risk. It does mean he’s forever seeking new revenue streams to top up the paltry package awarded a serving Prime Minister.

Rumours in the Westminster village say Mr Johnson has decided to follow his idol Nigel Farage and charge fans for videograms.

“It makes sense in the context of the ongoing corruption scandal engulfing his government,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Mr Johnson can claim all the donations from foreign sources are legit if something is given in return. That way everyone has to stop asking what the donation bought. It’s a masterstroke which will revolutionise perceptions of corruption in UK governance.”

The decision to enter the personal message field is also neat in terms of following in the footsteps of Mr Farage, who has been flogging his wares for months to anyone willing to spend a penny.

“Nigel wrote the policy manifold that is determining the entire direction of the United Kingdom, why not take another leaf out of his book and post some messages?”

And receiving a personal message from the Prime Minister is cheaper than you would expect.

“Just £50 will get you a minute of Mr Johnson’s time. If you think some garbled references to half remembered classical passages will light up the life of someone you care about just head over to Griftgram and have your bank card ready.”

There will be a platinum level too.

“£50 is just for the plebs. £3m will get you not only a personal message but a peerage.”

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BREAKING : PM calls snap GE as he’s run out of promises to break and needs new ones

THE LIES HAVE IT THE LIES HAVE IT : THE UK’S world beating Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to call a snap general election this weekend to revive his sinking fortunes.

The timing of the next GE is thought to have been a hot topic inside the palace at 10 Downing Street as the ruling couple’s hold on power daily appears more tenuous. Photo shoots in hi-vis vests and ruffled hair will only get you so far as inflation bites and corruption scandals daily fill the papers. A much bigger distraction is now called for.

“A general election will sort it all out,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Mr Johnson can sell ice to eskimos. He can’t do anything else. He could sell coal to Newcastle. But he can’t do anything else. So he’s got to get back on the campaign trail and sell something. Otherwise the megatsunami of crap he’s called down from the heavens may sweep him away. And where would the country be then?”

It’s expected the decision to go to the polls will be welcomed by the Tory Party’s MPs.

“The next GE must happen before the opposition parties work out that by working together they can crush us. 2024 is too far away. There will be far too much damage from Brexit and over a decade of misrule by then. But if we go now we can pull it off. Then we can blame all the problems on the last government. It’s genius.”

Of course a fresh general election means a fresh manifesto.

“The manifesto we won on 2019 is all played out. We’ve already broken all those promises. Slashing the HS2 in the north and dismantling pensions protections this week has crossed the last tasks off the to do list. But a new manifesto will give us new promises to break. And that’s where Mr Johnson excels.”

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Priti Patel to employ migrants in her office to deter others from coming to U.K.

PLAY TO YOUR STRENGTHS : The Home Secretary Priti Patel is convinced that the way to stop asylum seekers arriving in the U.K. is deterrence and that the greatest deterrent is herself.

“It’s a vote winner,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “Being cruel wins votes. It makes the people who vote for cruelty feel better about their own lives. If I can empower the government to punish people for accident of birth then it must mean I’m better than them. And if we can keep the focus on the Channel then we don’t have to look at why people are undertaking life and death journeys to begin with. We don’t have to talk about our arms export industry for one, climate change for another, international kleptocracy either. It’s very simple. But to keep being effective for the people who want it it has to be seen to be effective. You have to get the balance right. Currently it’s a total bin fire. The French won’t control our border for us. Typical.”

But the Home Secretary now has a new strategy to reduce those Channel crossings to a level that keeps it under discussion on the BBC and in the tabloids, but convinces her public supporters that she is getting the job done.

“She’s going to start employing asylum seekers in her office as her staff,” the source claims. “You do not want desperate people arriving in the UK and then telling friends and family back home that it is a humane and welcoming country. That’s catastrophic to the rebrand of the UK post-Brexit. You want them to say to their relatives still dodging British made munitions in some ghastly and largely ignored war zone that the UK is worse. Stay home. It’s not worth the risk!”

There’s no better way to do that than to have newly arrived humans work directly for Priti Patel.

“Just the midmorning wedgies alone should do it,” the source adds. “And if they don’t the post lunch screaming sessions when she’s got an upset stomach will nail it.”

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Boris Johnson promises a brand new fleet of rail replacement buses for The North

THE NORTHERN SLOWERHOUSE: Levelling up means levelling up. Except when it doesn’t. Some levelling up is more up-levelling than others. 

Many millions of pounds have been promised. Most of them are being spent on extremely expensive external “consultants”, who are employed to tell us what a brilliant job Boris Johnson is doing. 

This leaves bugger all money for the railways. A few quid will be spent on mending the existing creaking infrastructure, as soon as a suitable Tory donor willing to assemble a chain gang comes forward. 

This will mean closing worn out lines for years at a time. People and goods in The North will still need to move from one grim and rainy shithole to another. So in response, Johnson has pledged to supply enough rail replacement buses to claim to have bridged the gap. 

Anybody who suggests that the single, clapped out London Routemaster bus assigned to the Manchester-Leeds route is somehow inadequate, will be forced to sit beside the M62 and cheer whenever it chugs past at 25mph.

The fleet will be supplemented by Johnson himself. Any shortage of transportation options will be addressed very simply. The missing rail replacement buses will be replaced by rail replacement bus replacement painted wine boxes. 

Eventually, the plan, such as it is, is to encourage local interests to take up the slack. Yokels in possession of a horse and cart will receive inducements to whisk stranded commuters from their Godforsaken former Pennine mill town hovels to their shiny new city workhouses. From there, the most enterprising may save up enough to afford a single rail ticket to civilisation, otherwise known as within the M25. 

After all, it’s really only London that matters. London, where the streets are paved in gold, or at least they were until the Tories stole it all. 

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Boris Johnson to replace Leeds HS2 line with slogan “Get HS2 Done!”

THREE WORDS TO SAVE THE DAY : The surprising outbursts of naivety amongst Northern Tory voters have left 10 Downing Street more than a little baffled this week as converts to the cult of Boris struggle to comprehend his latest broken promise. Downing Street has the answer.

“They don’t need a new high speed rail line,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Look at Spain! Pretty much the entire network there is high speed and what has it done for their sovereignty? No. Northerners need something British. Something uniquely Great British.”

What they need is a slogan, according to Downing Street, and that’s what they’ll get from Leeds to Manchester instead of HS2.

“Get HS2 Done! That’s the slogan that will placate Northern Tory strongholds. We’ve replaced farming, manufacturing, fishing, financial services, building and well, pretty much every British sector with the slogan ‘Get Brexit Done’ and got away with it. People are still celebrating even as winter brings massive increases in fuel prices now we’ve left the EU energy market. Why not use three words as a rail replacement service? It’ll save us billions. The public will be intensely grateful. Get HS2 Done has the feel good factor Northerners need as they take hours daily to travel short distances on Victorian infrastructure.”

And the money saved will be put to good use.

“We’re paying Randox to store the unusable PPE old Paterson got Randox £600m to produce. We can use the savings to keep paying Randox and other corporate interests. It’s a very virtuous circle. I’m sure once Northern Tory MPs are hooked into the lobbying network they’ll soon release what the Conservative Party is all about and blame it on the pandemic.”

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Downing Street hit back at claims Northern HS2 is scrapped – “It goes to Watford”

THIS IS A PASSENGER ANNOUNCEMENT : FEARS are rising in the Westminster Village tonight that Dominic Raab was involved in the planning of the HS2 rail infrastructure after a deep misunderstanding of geography was revealed in the heart of government.

A Tory MP no one had ever seen before spoke to the press earlier today to reassure everyone that the North was still getting the much promised “levelling up” that PM Johnson used to win over Red Wall seats.

“The HS2 train line goes to Watford,” Meat Puppet Lobby Fodder Surprised To Get A Call For Telebobs MP told a breathless country. “And even a few miles beyond. That’s well north that is.”

While it’s often said that Southerners believe the North begins at the Watford Gap there was an expectation that the cabinet knew different.

“It’s not a problem,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’re going to have Sajid Javid use the same magic he has on hospitals to declare any existing rail station from the Midlands up a brand new HS2 station. Then he’ll take a walk along the Victorian rail lines and declare them new too. It couldn’t be simpler. Just think of the savings to the public purse? Money that can then be spent on unusable PPE. It’s a win-win.”

Whether or not the sleight of hand will work remains to be seen, although Downing Street appear confident that the lack of actual high speed rail will mean it will take ages for anyone to get down to London to complain.

“By the time they fork out hundreds to crawl to the capital the news cycle will have moved on,” the source explains. “There’s bound to be another political catastrophe for Johnson pulling into Westminster any moment.”

The PM is to intervene too to calm things down by using a historical reference.

“Boris will say the modified HS2 plans are a renewed harrying of the North! And everyone should be very pleased about it. If that doesn’t work it’s bad luck, as by the time he’s finished speaking he will have lost interest.”

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Tory MP denies lobbying for “nocturnal access” to UK blood banks

“18 Nov. Somerset. — Left London at 8:35 P. M., on 17th Nov, arriving at crypt early next morning; should have arrived at 0:01, but train was an hour late due to leaves on the line”

The UK’s 500,506th greatest living Latin scholar, Jacob Rees-mogg, finds himself in the spotlight today as the lobbying scandals continue to pile up around the failing Boris Johnson administration, and all those little devils involved with it.

“The spotlight is exactly the wrong place for old Mogg,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Especially in the daylight! He could burst into flames. This is a health and safety nightmare.”

There is of course a wide range of lobbying interests available to Tory MPs, leading to allegations that they’re all on the take, but the MP for the 19th Century has found a niche all of his own.

“He’s been lobbying for some ancient and secret sect to have nocturnal access to the UK’s blood banks,” the source admitted. “That’s not as unreasonable as it sounds. Don’t you ever get to midnight and just find your worm filled interior churning with an unquenchable thirst and an uncontrollable hunger? Wait. What is that sound? It’s the master. I’M COMING MASTER! I’M COMING!”

Whether or not action will be taken to reprimand Mr Rees-mogg for his attempts to “shatter the barred doors and feast” on valuable medical supplies in a time of endless health crises isn’t yet clear.

Adding to the problems for the Somerset MP is a list of personal phobias so unique it has led to speculation he maybe even more vile than he usually appears.

“He’s terrified of garlic and holy water for some reason,” the source adds. “And whatever you do don’t let him catch sight of a piece of wood that’s been shaped as a tent peg. He goes into a complete meltdown, explodes into a cloud of bats and disappears.”

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Tory MPs plan to resign if they can’t keep 2nd jobs most popular Tory policy

TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN : The ruling CONservative Party has hit a rough patch with the public in recent weeks, although that is largely the fault of the global supply chain crisis driving inflation, and not Brexit or corruption or the economic illiteracy driving their deadly pandemic response.

Happily the GRG – Grift Research Group – has come up with a policy so popular the polls will be surging up like the tides of untreated sewage all around the UK.

“We’re going to resign if we can’t keep our second jobs,” Pig Trough, MP for Lobbying, told LCD Views. “Because if we can’t keep our second jobs we can’t keep our third, fourth, fifth or six jobs. It’s a bit rum. One does not come into public service to serve the public. The public are intensely unreasonable. Have you seen the way they carry on? You can’t help those who won’t help themselves. We show them how to help themselves by helping ourselves to everything we can. We should be thanked for making an example of ourselves.”

The apparent inability of Boris “the boss” Johnson to protect the lucrative income top ups of his MPs has even led to speculation that the men in grey suits will be calling on him to stand aside and make way for someone who can.

“I wouldn’t print that,” the GRG spokesman says. “It’s inaccurate. By the time the fates have finished with old Bojo it’ll be the men in white suits who come to take him away.”

Gold plated crown toppling from his dyed haystack. Face beetroot red with incomprehension and fury. The scandals that never touched him suddenly reaching up their grey hands from the dirt around his feet.

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MPs threatening to resign if they are forced to work full time as MPs

THE DEVIL MAKES WORK FOR IDLE HANDS TO DO: Tory MPs are revolting. The mere suggestion that they should put in 35 hours of honest hard work representing the people who elected them has been greeted by howls of outrage. 

It’s as if the idea that a wealthy chap is obliged to actually earn their income is anathema to our MPs. Especially the ones who claim to be working night and day. 

The same world beating drones are now claiming to have discovered some principles. Or at least realised that they won’t be comfortable on the take in full view of the nation. 

“It’s a flaming liberty, that’s what it is!” spluttered outraged backbencher Billy O’Nair. “Being an MP was supposed to be a cushy number! Safe seat, show your face every now and then, keep your head down, don’t rock the boat, rack up the directorships. A few phone calls, lunch, golf, a couple more zeroes on the bank balance. That’s what Eton and Oxford prepare you for!”

What objection do you have to doing the job you are paid to do? 

“Oh, don’t be so ridiculous!” scoffed O’Nair. “Everyone knows that being an MP is just a perk to compensate for being crap at the law. Plenty of status and contacts. Cheap food and drink. Opportunities to bullshit for England. Bit of pocket money. It’s a doss job, it’s just a chance to grease the wheels. Work? WORK?! Only idiots work! It’s a disgrace, an outrage! Well I’m not standing for it, I’m not going to be made a fool of, plenty more ways to coin it in out of the public eye.”

How dare the ordinary citizens of this great country demand that their representatives actually represent them. It’s no wonder MPs are lining up to resign in protest. 

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Youngest Tory MP retires early after selling his seat in parliament to oil giant

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : The government is said to be in a “stable, but bereaved” state today after the youngest Tory MP in the House of Commons chose early retirement.

Fitz Bangle Philhelm-Sax-Normandy-Smyth was expected to be a leading light as the Conservative Party continued to make head roads into the younger voting demographics, but it seems that will no longer be possible.

“We can still use him as an aspirational example I suppose,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Although I doubt he will be much use on the campaign trial. Mostly because he’ll be in one of his Caribbean homes.”

The Prime Minister himself is said to be feeling a deep sense of betrayal over Philhelm-Sax-Normandy-Smyth’s decision to cash out early. It is understood he had personally backed the youthful MP over a scandal involving a replica ivory shoehorn and a game of sardines which left several domestic staff needing A&E treatment.

How much Fitz was able to sell his seat for isn’t publicly available, as it is a matter of private interest.

“It’s in the hundreds of millions,” the source admits. “I mean would you cash out early otherwise? Given the earning potential of being a lobbyist for corporate interests in the Mother of Parliaments?”

What is also fuzzy at the moment is whether or not the oil giant will attend the Commons personally to vote.

“I suspect they’ll vote via Zoom? Flying back and forth from their headquarters in the eastern steppe to vote isn’t going to greenwash with anyone.”

Fitz Bangle Philhelm-Sax-Normandy-Smyth wasn’t available for comment as he was currently asleep after a late night “sesh” at some villa in Tuscany.

Critics of the MP’s decision are said to be furiously phoning around their corporate sponsors to see what the “going rate” is for their constituency.

“PMQs won’t be much changed over the coming year,” the source adds. “It’ll just be Starmer facing a wall of corporate logos on empty benches. Which is basically how it operates right now at our world beating parliament.”