PLAY TO YOUR STRENGTHS : The Home Secretary Priti Patel is convinced that the way to stop asylum seekers arriving in the U.K. is deterrence and that the greatest deterrent is herself.
“It’s a vote winner,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “Being cruel wins votes. It makes the people who vote for cruelty feel better about their own lives. If I can empower the government to punish people for accident of birth then it must mean I’m better than them. And if we can keep the focus on the Channel then we don’t have to look at why people are undertaking life and death journeys to begin with. We don’t have to talk about our arms export industry for one, climate change for another, international kleptocracy either. It’s very simple. But to keep being effective for the people who want it it has to be seen to be effective. You have to get the balance right. Currently it’s a total bin fire. The French won’t control our border for us. Typical.”
But the Home Secretary now has a new strategy to reduce those Channel crossings to a level that keeps it under discussion on the BBC and in the tabloids, but convinces her public supporters that she is getting the job done.
“She’s going to start employing asylum seekers in her office as her staff,” the source claims. “You do not want desperate people arriving in the UK and then telling friends and family back home that it is a humane and welcoming country. That’s catastrophic to the rebrand of the UK post-Brexit. You want them to say to their relatives still dodging British made munitions in some ghastly and largely ignored war zone that the UK is worse. Stay home. It’s not worth the risk!”
There’s no better way to do that than to have newly arrived humans work directly for Priti Patel.
“Just the midmorning wedgies alone should do it,” the source adds. “And if they don’t the post lunch screaming sessions when she’s got an upset stomach will nail it.”