THREE WORDS TO SAVE THE DAY : The surprising outbursts of naivety amongst Northern Tory voters have left 10 Downing Street more than a little baffled this week as converts to the cult of Boris struggle to comprehend his latest broken promise. Downing Street has the answer.
“They don’t need a new high speed rail line,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Look at Spain! Pretty much the entire network there is high speed and what has it done for their sovereignty? No. Northerners need something British. Something uniquely Great British.”
What they need is a slogan, according to Downing Street, and that’s what they’ll get from Leeds to Manchester instead of HS2.
“Get HS2 Done! That’s the slogan that will placate Northern Tory strongholds. We’ve replaced farming, manufacturing, fishing, financial services, building and well, pretty much every British sector with the slogan ‘Get Brexit Done’ and got away with it. People are still celebrating even as winter brings massive increases in fuel prices now we’ve left the EU energy market. Why not use three words as a rail replacement service? It’ll save us billions. The public will be intensely grateful. Get HS2 Done has the feel good factor Northerners need as they take hours daily to travel short distances on Victorian infrastructure.”
And the money saved will be put to good use.
“We’re paying Randox to store the unusable PPE old Paterson got Randox £600m to produce. We can use the savings to keep paying Randox and other corporate interests. It’s a very virtuous circle. I’m sure once Northern Tory MPs are hooked into the lobbying network they’ll soon release what the Conservative Party is all about and blame it on the pandemic.”