Category: Governing the people

Privatisation is the answer to everything. So, in a move which has surprised most commentators, the stalled Brexit negotiations have been outsourced to G4S.

Government duty flunkey Derry Liction explained the position to LCD Views. “The private sector delivers results cheaply and efficiently,” he prevaricated. “This is a move designed to make a success of negotiations, avoid the costs, and most of all wash our hands of all responsibility for it.”

Why G4S? After all, they couldn’t do a very good job of running Birmingham Prison.

“On the contrary,” countered Liction. “They did an excellent job. Their job was to make the prison act as a deterrent. So the reports of drugs, vomit, cockroaches and rats are all correct, and part of the strategy. Prisoners are in fear for their lives. It’s all good. After all, prisons are not meant to be holiday camps!”

In that case, why has Birmingham Prison been taken over again by the government?

“It’s the fault of hand-wringing do-gooder Guardian-reading snowflakes,” said Liction grumpily. “Some so-called bleeding-heart liberal whinger found out about it and created a stink. Well, there was outrage, so something had to be done. Don’t worry, the boys at G4S will be richly compensated for this unfortunate downturn in their business.”

What makes G4S a suitable Brexit negotiator?

“As I said, they bring good value for money,” he said. “They know what they are doing. What we need is security. Like, Oi, Germany, you ain’t coming in ‘ere with trainers on! Oi, France, bog off, come back when you’re young and pretty! Hey Spain, castanets are banned and so are you mate! If they want to come into this country they have to respect the dress code and British customs.”

Like getting bladdered on watered-down lager and picking a fight with anyone who looks vaguely foreign?

“Quite,” said Liction smugly. “They will capitulate in no time. It’s that simple.”

What could possibly go wrong?

Privately-run Strangeways Prison in Manchester, announced Tuesday that it has taken over the Government of the United Kingdom after executives concluded that “drastic action” was needed to address failings in administration as the, increasingly rat infested, country teeters towards a “no deal” Brexit.

Officials from operators “Strangeways Plc”, confirmed early Monday that trained prison offers and security officers had been sent into 10 Downing Street, parliament, and all major ministries following concerns over safety, security and the future economic well being of the country taking advantage of the fact that having sent parliament into recess, Theresa May, most of her cabinet and even Brexit hard liners like Boris Johnson, had all buggered off on holiday until September.

Strangeways CEO, Frank Boddington said: “We have the spectacle of a government relaxing in the idyllic setting of their Tuscany summer houses while the country plunges off an economic cliff. We had no choice but to intervene and bring our expertise to bear on the situation.”

According to Boddington with over a decade of experience of running one of the UK’s toughest prisons, Strangeways is ideally equipped to take over running the entire country.

“We feed clothe, house and care for hundreds of the most dangerous people in the country, managing a country of angry proles, eating from food banks will be a doddle – there’ll be no food and medicine shortages on our watch,” he promised.

Boddington explained, that once a planned overhaul of the tax system has been fully implemented and super rich tax evaders limited to a weekly income of £4.60 plus a small tin of rolling tobacco and a packet of Rizlas, there will be plenty of resources to fund the NHS and all other public services.

“And if any potential tax dodgers think they can slip away unnoticed to a convenient tax haven, they’d better think again,” he warned, explaining out that the prison, which celebrates its 150th anniversary this year had never experienced a single successful break out.

“Unless we include those via the execution block on B wing,” he winked, pointing out that equally no one had ever succeeded in breaking into Strangeways, making his prison the ideal body to administer immigration policy.

However the shock move came in for strong criticism from self appointed next prime minister in waiting, the right honourable Sir Jacob Rees Mogg, UHOA, STFU, and bar.

Sir Rees-Mogg pointed out that other than managing a closed environment, from which entry and exit were strictly monitored, maintaining law and order, discipline, health and safety and keeping to strict budgetary limits, a private prison company simply doesn’t have the experience or the skill set to manage an entire country plunging headfirst into penury and despotism.

Speaking from his newly opened hedge fund headquarters, in the 40th floor penthouse office suite of O’Rees-Mogg towers, Dublin Sir Jacob O’Rees-Mogg was adamant.

” There’s only one company that can successfully manage to help the United Kingdom realise its destiny as a badly run, impoverished third world prison camp, and that’s, Tory Party PLC, run by me, he crowed adding that it must be true because his nanny agrees.

“And Nanny Bannon is always right, far, far right,” he smirked.

Illegal immigrants, economic migrants and terrorists may be planning to use un-recycled plastic bottles to make boats to float across the English Channel, according to a warning issued Friday by the United Kingdom Independence party, better known by its acronym, UKIP. 

Speaking to reporters outside UKIP headquarters ISIS House, Thingummy Whatsisname-Doobry, or whoever may or may not be UKIP leader this week (Couldn’t be arsed googling and by the time you do he/she will have changed anyway…) explained that the careless disposal of plastic bottles on UK beaches was putting the country in grave danger of attack by environmentally minded green leaning terror groups.

“The bottles float across the channel, to the jungles of northern France where less than 100 of them tied together makes an unsinkable floatation device that could be used by Muslamic radicals to float across the channel and launch an attack on our saintly green and pleasant land,” he said (…or she, let’s face it, who cares…) explaining that there is a clear link between environmentalists and radical Islam.

“It’s no coincidence they call themselves “GREENS”, it’s the historic colour of Islam, representing the lush vegetation of Paradise” snarled Whatsisname-Doobry, explaining that under no circumstances should this “Paradise” be confused with “England’s GREEN and Pleasant land”.

It was this risk of GREEN terrorism, he explained, that had led UKIP to denounce the recycling of plastic bottles as TERRORISM, and to back a more traditional solution to the problem.

“Bottle banks for plastic bottles, are an open invitation to water bound migratory terrorism – like giving a child a sweetshop and telling them there’s no such thing as dentists,” he (or she…) warned.

For that reason Whatsisname-Doobry explained, instead of recycling, UKIP was backing the revival of the traditional English tradition of stabbing a hole in the bottom.

“Generations of British children have religiously shoved their spoons through the bottom of their hard boiled egg shells to prevent them being used by witches as sailing craft to attack and sink our brave ships,” he (she or indeed it…about time UKIP recognised gender plurality..) roared, pointing out that the loss of shipping to maritime Wiccan subversion has long been close to zero.

“A plastic bottle with a hole in won’t float and can be safely discarded on any beach without fear of it being re-employed for migratory floatation,” he smiled.

“And if that doesn’t solve the problem, you can always just eat them – after all, there won’t be much else to eat after Brexit,” he warned.

Transport Secretary and all-round good egg-head Chris Grayling wants to be the next Prime Minister. He is, he claims, ideally qualified.

“My record speaks for itself,” he crowed to LCD Views, strictly on the record. “Thanks to me, the railways are less efficient and more expensive. There is less legal aid, and prisons are more dangerous. I am a less competent leader than Theresa May, or even Jeremy Corbyn. Less is more, dear chap, less is more. More or less.”

So, to clarify: do you mean more, or less?

“More. Or less,” explained Grayling. “It’s the same thing. I can’t give you clarity. These are exciting times, and everything will turn out just fine!”

Turning to the business of movement of goods after Brexit, which is in your remit, what are you going to do about the chronic lack of space and underinvestment at Dover?

“Yes, I’ve been asked for clarity about it,” he admitted. “Well, they won’t be getting it from me! You can’t shift the cliffs, anyway that would be Michael Gove’s responsibility. Underinvestment is a nasty little phrase. It simply means, we are spending less money, and that must be a good thing. Less is more!”

What about the potential 13 mile queues on the M20?

“Not my problem,” he answered. “Most of the time the M20 is empty, so it seems like a good use of resources to me.”

And what if you ever needed to travel to Dover yourself, and got caught in the traffic? Or would you go by train?

“Good God, no!” he exclaimed. “The trains are f*cking sh*t, we only keep them to milk them for all they are worth! Who wants to go to Dover anyway?”

Back to your leadership bid. Isn’t this just a little April Fool’s Day joke?

“Ha ha! I’ve been called God’s Little April Fool myself!” he laughed. “Except my birthday is actually May the first. May Day. I mean, of course it’s April the first really, but you don’t want anyone to know that sort of thing!”

Is there anyone more (or less) suitable for the job? Less is more. Mayday. MAYDAY!

Great news today for people worried about how they’ll afford to travel to work next year with the announcement from the very top that Downing Street has ordered banks to offer mortgages for annual rail fares.

”This covers season tickets too,” a spokesman for terrified and empty gammon flavoured crisp T May told LCD Views, “Chris Grayling will be personally overseeing the sub-prime derivatives market that will naturally flow from this as the upper echelons refuse to remember what capitalism actually is.”

The mortgages are expected to be offered by all high street banks and a few fiesty upstarts.

”Payday loan companies needn’t think they’ve been forgotten either,” the spokesman illuminated, “as naturally the market for loans on one day travel cards is expected to be bullish, with interest rates tailored to suit the desperation of the customers.”

The mortgages, which will come as standard fixed rate for fixed term products, or variable and trackers, will be repayable direct from the happy customers’ pay packet.

But what if people default in the great post Brexit job massacre to come in 2019?

”Then they’ll be sold an additional mortgage to cover the higher cost of travelling to the field work they will have agreed to undertake should they default,” the spokesman said, “and the re-sale value of their organs will be used to underwrite the risk, as they will have made themselves a credit risk in the process of defaulting on the mortgage needed to afford the dividends required by train company bosses,

”This solves the travel element of the productivity puzzle too. It’s a signal of great thinking coming down the line from No. 10. Just have faith, it’ll all be in the fine print.”

And surely with the services sector shrinking and under threat from Brexit it’ll be an innovative product for British based banks to sell across Europe too?

This question caused a burst of mirth from the spokesman.

”You won’t see any continental European mortgaging themselves for a rail ticket. All those governments are communist and steal hard working British workers tax money to subsidy their services. But that gravy train is coming to an end.”

Following her denouncement of the decision to cast multiple award winning ‘actor of colour’, Idris Elba as the next James Bond, Hollywood, is agog with rumours that serially sacked right wing bigot, Katie Hopkins has agreed to take on the role of the Bond franchise’s longstanding “wallflower”, Miss Moneypenny.

“It was Katie’s insistence that the franchise should remain true to the original vision of Bond writer Ian Flemming that did it, and we were happy to amend the script accordingly and offer her a contract,” explained Curly Broccoli, franchise spokesman and grandson of long time Bond film producer Cubby Broccoli.

Broccoli also confirmed that the producers had been much impressed by Hopkins’ screen test, in which she demonstrated her uncanny ability to swivel her eyes in opposite directions and revolve her entire head through 180 degrees while declaiming her lines.

“Even Blofeld couldn’t do that,” he laughed.

Unfortunately for Hopkins the role will likely differ somewhat from what she may have envisaged.

“You have to remember that the original Bond novels were penned in the 1950s and the first film was shot in 1962, so to remain true to that timeline Moneypenny, if she is still alive, would by now be well into her 90s,” said Broccoli pointing out that given that as, over the course of the franchise she repeatedly fails to get bedded by Bond, she is also likely to be somewhat bitter.

“In short, she’s a saggy faced, embittered old munter, endlessly reminiscing about unrequited past glories, so in fact an ideal role for Katie, and we hardly need bother with make up” he added, conceding that perhaps being sacked as a Mail online columnist for libelling a food blogger and then being booted off LBC for calling for a “final solution” hardly qualifies as “glory”.

“Anyway, she’s clearly a psychopathic self publicist, as such she was happy to waive her fee and take the role just for the exposure,” Broccoli explained, confirming that for the sake of authenticity her contract pays her a symbolic ‘one penny’ – “pre-decimal of course..” he added.

And, that given the age of her character the only “exposure” she would be getting would be fully clothed.

Broccoli declined to give away any details of what promises to be a controversial plot, confirming only that there “may or may not be ‘pussy galore’, but  however many there are, Hopkins won’t be one of them”.

“In the real world, no one gets to live twice and any dreams Katie, I mean Moneypenny, may have of being, gold-fingered,  moon-rakered, plugged by the man with the golden Walther PPK, spotted by his golden eye, or having the living daylights roger-moored out of her casino royale, will be very much unrealised,” he said confirming that the closest she’ll get to being hands on with Idris is when he offers her his elbow as support in lieu of her Zimmer frame, only to be stabbed by her poisoned finger nail.

“Obviously he survives, but she doesn’t – which is clearly what Ian Flemming would have wanted,” said Broccoli, declining also to confirm widespread rumours that the working title for the new movie is “Game over For Gammon”.

“We did for a while toy with calling it “Thundercunt”, but we felt Katie was getting way too much exposure as it was,” he added.

The flaccid and ineffectual performance of the UK government is the result of doping, according to the NHS. MPs of all parties have overdosed on testosterone.

“It’s down to the huge amounts of bollocks,” explained senior consultant Paris Ettamol. “Effectively they’ve drugged themselves. They have swallowed the bollocks uncritically, and the surplus testosterone has led to many surprisingly limp showings.”

But the bollocks has been disseminated widely, through the press, broadcast and social media. Is there any risk to the public?

“It leads directly to fascism,” declared Dr Ettamol. “It’s too much of a good thing. Many men, having suffered flop after flop, get angry. They take out their impotent rage upon blameless, virile, incomers.”

What about women? What effect does the testosterone have on them?

“Look at the rise of women in prominent positions,” Dr Ettamol remarked. “May, Sturgeon, Foster. That bearded lady who won Eurovision, and many more, myself included. It’s unfortunate that I need to shave daily, though.”

There was a scandal, once, about oestrogen in the water supply. Doesn’t the testosterone cancel it out?

“Not at all,” countered Dr Ettamol. “Both have a positive impact upon women, but a negative impact upon men. Women have gained equal rights, equal pay, control over their bodies. What have men gained? Moobs!”

“Men are Goldilocks creatures,” she continued. “The balance must be just right for them to be able to perform properly. This is why our male politicians have, almost universally, refused to stand up and be counted.”

Is doping a feminist conspiracy, then?

“No, just a cock-up,” she replied, sadly.

The official position is that there is no problem, but if there were, it would be the EU’s fault.

Dr Ettamol has some more constructive advice. “Don’t let the bollocks get you down. Never mind the bollocks. Man up, if you still can.”

No wonder Viagra is now available over the counter.

Forget about a bad deal. No deal at all is the best for… well, Jacob Rees-Mogg, if not Britain.

The man himself spoke to LCD Views through an interpreter who specialises in Elizabethan English.

“Put it this way,” purred Moggy. “I am actually reasonably well off. This is despite the restrictions that are placed upon reckless pursuit of profit by any means possible. I am just an ordinary Englishman. What’s good for me is good for every other ordinary Englishman.”

Impeccable logic, but as usual a small flaw or two, old chap. For example, restrictions are for the common good.

“Restrictions are for the common man!” Rees-Mogg retorted. “The drones, the serfs, the quasi-slave class. It is for their own good. It prevents them from rising above their station. They must always work hard, so that the ordinary English gentleman is free to behave in a manner appropriate to his status!”

Which is…

“Pish! Tush! Pshaw!” spluttered Rees-Mogg. “If you don’t understand, you are no gentleman yourself! An ordinary English gentleman must be in possession of a fortune and several hundred acres in Somersetshire, and he must spend his time on higher pursuits. Here, if you want to know more, read these contemporary novels by Jane Austen.”

What about wealth creation? Isn’t that your responsibility?

“You misunderstand,” he replied urbanely. “My responsibility is to safeguard and stockpile the wealth and invest it wisely.”

So, in essence, you hoard both capital and income, most of it earned by the sweat of others? Doesn’t that make you some kind of economic parasite?

“You are an oik of the lowest kind, sir,” he remarked dismissively. “Guards, escort this scullion, this fustilarian, to the boundary, and beat him soundly if he dare utter another word!”

Laws, taxes, restrictions of all kinds – for the many, not the few. Tug your forelock on the way out.

Rumours Northern Ireland had taken the crown off Belgium for longest time without a government were put paid to today  by a representative of the Guinness Book of World Records.

”As still a constituent part of the United Kingdom, for the time being,” Mrs Stout said, “Northern Ireland can not independently qualify to knock Belgium off the top spot.”

The reasoning is because the U.K. now wears the crown for longest period without governance.

”Arguably the government of the United Kingdom ceased to operate in any recognisable form on the 24th June 2016,” Mrs Stout explained,

“and definitely ceased to have a government the moment a basic AI system, still in the beta test phase, was elevated to the position of prime minister,

”We know what happened after that. Chris Grayling remained a minister. Liam Fox and David Davis were given their own ministries. Well, governance was over. Packets of mince, crooks and pieces of lumber don’t run countries, except into the ground of course.”

The acknowledgement of the UK’s world beating status in this coveted area has caused celebration in the ranks of influential politicians who are not governing anything either.

”This is precisely what Brexit is about,” Nigel Farage celebrated the gong, broadcasting his daily radio show, Nazis Today, “just imagine how we can build on this if Steve Bannon becomes PM? I mean, Boris Johnson.”

The official opposition were asked for comment on the record too,

”This just shows the vicious bias in the mainstream media,” a spokesman for retired intellectual and jam maker, JC, told us, “not one mention that with our current party leadership, who back Brexit just like the Tories, we have got the double,

”This is also the longest period in peace time for a democracy to go without both a functioning government and a functioning official opposition party.”

Credit where credit is due, across the political spectrum. U.K. take a bow, you’ve got a double.