Boris Johnson has announced his intention to ride bareback and shirtless around Hyde Park, to show master poisoner Vladimir Putin what he’s dealing with if he continues to mess about with Global Britain.
Speaking as he saddled his steed for the event, a bare chested Mr Johnson sounded upbeat.
“This is cherry picking at its fandiggly finest,” the statement led to calls for Mr Johnson to put his shirt back on, but he was unrepentant, “once I jiggle and wiggle and bomdoddle doddle about the lush, green and pleasant lawn of England’s capital city that dastardly Russian chap will beg us to send our footie boys to his golden palladium in the snow.”
It’s not clear if the ride was agreed with the prime minister beforehand. There are rumours that the foreign secretary has gone rogue again.
“Ms May is seething about it,” a rumourmonger told us, “she was planning to do exactly the same thing dressed Boudicca. Boris has buggered it all up. This really does confirm the rumours that he listens to her planning meetings outside of the office at 10 Downing Street with a glass pressed to the door.”
The outing by Mr Johnson will be broadcast live on the BBC with appropriately patriotic music.
“I’ve heard they’re getting some pipers in and they’ll be in the nude. Completely starkers. We know Vlad’s bearskin style and we’re going to show that fellow who’s buffer when it comes to international rows about minor issues to do with knocking off spies.”
We understand there will be popcorn available from stands along the route Boris is to ride and that he will do it without a saddle, just his big, hearty thighs gripping the sides of a thirty four year old horse, chosen for its age, to make it less likely Boris will get thrown off. Although the horse may not survive.
“I’ve heard that Theresa is so chip spitting furious she’s going to go Boudicca and challenge him to a chase. She’s going to quiz him in public about how he got a Russian first name and an American surname!
Get your selfie sticks out and get to Hyde Park and get in the picture. They’re doing this for Global Britain. Ride Boris! Ride!”