An environmental study conducted by Cambodge University has warned that extensive political fly tipping by the UK’s governing DUP party, and their junior coalition partners the Conservatives, is now killing the long grass of British politics.
“We were shocked,” lead researcher, Professor G Election, told LCD Views, “we expected some browning in patches, as you always get that from lack of sunlight with localised build ups of dumped political problems, but what we found was extensive bleaching and die off on a scale that is unprecedented.”
But what is the cause?
“Predominately it’s the Irish Border problem. The coalition government at Westminster is simply unable to find a solution that both appeases Prime Minister Arlene Foster’s adherence to ideological dogma, regardless of the risk to the GFA, and adheres to international law. So they keep throwing the problem back into the long grass, but each time they do it’s bigger and more urgent and smothers more of the grass.”
What else did you find in there?
“Pretty much the entire Conservative cabinet is in the long grass in one form or another. This is to do with the bald faced lying that is now common practise for ministers of state. But how to fire them and keep Theresa May in office? Well, that’s a pickle for another day.”
I suppose there were other issues too?
“Yes. How not to destroy 80% of the British economy by leaving the single market. Remember the Chinese told us, in the EU the UK is a door to Europe. Out of the EU, the UK is just a door.”
What do you advise we do about it? Healthy long grass is a vital part of a functioning political life, necessary sometimes to buy time to solve complex problems.
“Well, at the moment it’s just being utilised to ignore complex problems while the government phones anyone they can think of who may know how to work magic.”
What’s your solution?
“Stop Brexit. Put all of Brexit into the long grass. The sunlight will kill it fast and it will break down rapidly. Basically it’ll become compost once it’s decomposed and the long grass will soon regrow to be used by the next generation.”
Is it that easy?
“Yes. We just say, given all the lies and the likely malign interference in the actual campaign, and the clear risk to the United Kingdom by pursuing Brexit, which is the greatest mis-managed privatisation programme of our time, we are simply stopping it. Which we can do. We’ve been told by our friends in the EU this time and again.”
I’m sure Jeremy Corbyn will bring this up at the next PMQ’s.
“Sorry. If you’re going to make jokes I’m going to have to terminate this interview.”