Category: Governing the people

Disgraced former rear of the year Boris Johnson made the plea in the wake of his controversial comments in the Telegraph. His party has threatened to withdraw the whip, and he’s not best pleased. As usual, the buxom blond had made a massive arse of himself.

The potential PM’s private peccadillo has been revealed. In common with many posh ex-public schoolboys, the bumbling bombshell gets off on flagellation.

A friend of Johnson’s spoke to LCD Views on condition of anonymity, so let’s call him ‘Michael Gove’.

“Boris and I are members of an exclusive club,” oozed ‘Gove’. “We enjoy, erm, unusual stimuli. Asphyxiation and flagellation, don’t you know. The public thinks it’s just another think tank, called Hang ‘Em And Flog ‘Em.

“That’s right!” agreed ‘Gove’’s friend, who gave his name as ‘Alex de Pfeffel’. “I’m always in the Miss Whiplash Room. There’s this one young filly, name of Saffiyya, lovely girl, never says a word but my goodness can she handle a cat o’ nine tails! She comes in, wearing full letterbox burqa, all you can see is the twinkle in her eyes. You never know quite what she is going to do. It’s very exciting! I’m all of a fibblefabble just thinking about it!”

“That’s why he… I mean, Mr Johnson, wants to ban it,” explained ‘Gove’. “It’s unstatesmanlike to get incoherently aroused whenever you encounter a Muslim lady.”

Johnson’s reputation as a lecherous tart goes before him. As ‘Gove’ delicately puts it, “Boris has his, erm, Johnson in many, erm, pies.”

As Foreign Secretary, Johnson was able to circle the globe in the cause of diplomacy and, erm, pies. “Foreign Sec!” he is reported to have said. “Almost as good as British sex!”

But withdrawing the whip may have unforeseen consequences. “I don’t think Mr Johnson knows what withdrawal means,” remarks his long-suffering personal physician Tigham Together. “Once in place, he stays in place until the job is done.”

Dr Together denied rumours that Johnson has a girl, with several improbably blonde children, in every port. “It’s my job to make sure he keeps his nose clean,” be claims. “No more diplomatic cock-ups, I tell him, every time. Protect yourself from the consequences of your actions!”

And if the whip is withdrawn?

“Mr Johnson will have to apply his considerable energy to another project,” replied Dr Together. “He is threatening to go into full time mainstream politics!”

Meanwhile ‘de Pfeffel’ and ’Gove’ emerged from Hang ‘Em And Flog ‘Em, shaken and very much stirred. “We know when we are beaten!” quipped ‘de Pfeffel’. “Now let’s get some drugs and come back for another round! Our friend Steve Bann…”

“Mr Bigballs,” interrupted ‘Gove’.

“Yes, Mr Bigballs does some seriously good shit,” confirmed ‘de Pfeffel’. “Don’t put that in your article!”

The mere thought had not even begun to consider the possibility of crossing my mind.

The Conservatives confirmed this afternoon that they were organising a straw drawing competition amongst their MPs to see who will have the honour of running stark naked across College Green.

”This is off the record,” an aide to Theresa May told LCD Views, “but it is to stop people talking about Brexit.”

We are unclear why they would be looking to cause a major distraction of this nature, given that even today trading on WTO rules will apparently make the U.K. fabulously wealthy, which is why the rest of the world already does it.

”Or talking about anything we’ve done in office really,” the aide added, “no one. No one at all knew that privatising the probation service would be a disaster. Or privatising the alcohol and drug rehab service. Or privatising Brexit. Or privatising the forensic service. What we failed to do was introduce enough competition into forensics, I think, oh and into shouting at drunks to pull themselves together.”

The straw drawing will take place this evening with crayon and paper supplied to all the MPs.

”Gove is going to draw a single use straw, I can just feel it,” the aide smiled, “Davis will draw a burger, uncooked, to show how clever he is. Nadine Dorries will wait to see what Boris draws and then just do the same but madly exaggerated.”

What do you think the Prime Minister will draw?

”Boos and hisses whenever she shows her face in public, most likely.”

No. For the competition?

”Oh, probably a rainbow. But one that is just a pure white rainbow. That’s how she thinks they all should be.”

And when will the streaking on College Green take place?

”The moment the fuss Boris has caused over the burka fizzles out, of course. We simply can’t let the media focus on what we’re actually doing. It would be a disaster.”

It already is.

”Yes, but so long as no one says it, then we can pretend it isn’t really so until we all tumble screaming into the abyss and a few Tories get a hell of a lot richer.”

What if the streaking doesn’t work?

”Then Boris will stage a book burning.”

The Official Monster Raving Looney Party has rejected calls from its grassroots supporter to appoint Boris Johnson as its new leader in place of current leader Alan “Howling Laud” Hope.

Party spokesman “Baying Baronet Bunsen”, confirmed that the suggestion had been put to the party steering committee over a round of frothing nut brown ales but had eventually been rejected. Albeit after several more rounds, with chasers. And some tabs.

“We appreciate that Boris is genuinely raving, and demonstrably both a monster and loony, but we are at heart a democratic party and could not accept a leader who is larger than the party itself,” he explained, pointing out that with current membership standing at only nine, Boris would need to go on a crash diet before he could even be considered.

Even then he explained, Johnson’s political record would count against him.

“People seem to have forgotten that the chosen role of the OMRLP is to satirise mainstream politics by promoting policies which may be populist but are also clearly the product of warped and troubled minds, and are not in any way shape or form supposed to be implemented,” he said.

“Boris buses…shrubbery bridges…f*ck business…burka bank robbers…all admirably deranged policies and sentiments in their own right, but he is an actual elected politician, and as such his monstrous lunacy has been “unofficial”, and thus in direct competition with OMRLP,” he explained.

“If Boris is genuinely serious about being an Official Monster Raving Loony, we call on him to prove his worth by emulating our glorious founder and long time party leader, Screaming Lord Sutch,” he said, neglecting to mention that the 41-times-a-candidate-never-elected, Lord Sutch hanged himself in 1999.

“He set an example that every deranged overweight, ego-driven wannabe despot would do well to follow….And we’d be more happy to supply the rope,” he smirked.

LCD Views has been hearing this afternoon from StayDadSit, a think tank opaquely funded to promote the interests of stay at home dads, and heard how they are “really relieved it’s only women who will be have to stop work to care for elderly relatives”.

The relief is especially great for fathers whose children have now reached school age.

“When I agreed to stop my own paid work and care for our children, so my wife could continue with her career,” CEO of StayDadSit, Mr Mum, told us, “I was actually bricking it that it would eventually lead to me not having any substantial career beyond homemaking due to the interruption in my paid working life, and how I would psychologically deal with that, but I figured it was worth the cost in the interests of my wife, gender equality and our children. Still…”

Still what?

“On top of that anxiety, and all the conversations I would inevitably have with other men, and some women, wherein I would hear ‘oh, so you don’t work then’, when I said I was a stay at home dad, I was really completely terrified that I may find myself then moving seamlessly from caring for our children to caring for our ageing parents. I mean, this is a modern, western country in the 21st century, who the hell does that? We’ve outsourced that offshore along with ownership of the water utilities.”

So the announcement from the Department of Health that only women would be compelled to care for elderly relatives was a great relief?

“A welcome relief. It’s pretty much turned me into a Brexiter, and I was dead against Brexit till today. I see it as a fascist project, essentially the return of the Nazi’s and I hold both Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn in complete and utter contempt for their support of Brexit,

“But it never occurred to me a tangible benefit of living under a fascist regime would be the end of EU worker migration leading to a social care crisis, leading to my wife having to throw in her career at its pinnacle, to take her mum shopping for groceries. Oh and to the GPs.”

StayDadSit added later, this move brings us a step closer to proper equality and the end of the sexual revolution.

“It wasn’t that good anyway, there was hardly any sex. We will be thanking the Tory party personally and its, definitely not misogynist policy dreamers and many forward thinkers for the various ways they are determined to return the UK to the 1950’s.”

Talks on the UK`s departure from the European Union have collapsed following the announcement of the untimely death of top British comedian and international trade deal expert, Barry Chuckle.

An ashen face prime minister Theresa May confirmed the news to reporters outside 10 Downing street.

“We’ve not just lost the greatest comedian and entertainer since Max Bygraves but also my chief adviser on international trade and one of the few steady hands in the cabinet,” she said.

“His grasp of complex legal detail left Gove, Davis, Johnson and Raab in the shade… Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear….”  she added sobbing that she had spent the morning trying to contact Michael Macintyre but he had been unavoidably detained at his pedicurist.

“He’s one of the few people qualified to take over from Barry and who we can trust to not put a well manicured foot wrong,” she explained.

Known primarily as an arse crackingly unfunny children’s entertainer, Chuckle was catapulted onto the international diplomatic stage following a successful change.org petition to have him and his brother Paul lead the UK’s Brexit negotiation team on the basis that they couldn’t possibly be any worse than the politicians then responsible.

Commenting on Chuckle’s passing and the collapse of talks the EU’s chief negotiator Michel Barnier, confirmed that Barry had been a worthy and formidable opponent and would be sadly missed.

“His interjection of “Silly you”, when I pointed out the need to negotiate regulatory alignment in order to implement his backstop proposal for the Irish border, had me reeling on the ropes – he said, adding that he felt that at heart the later lamented jokester was a true European.

“For me his constant refrain of ‘From me, to you, from me to you…’ exemplified the true spirit of the European Union,” he explained adding that he had nothing against Michael Macintyre taking on the role of the UK’s chief negotiator.

“Of course we would welcome Michael to the table if that is what Mrs May wants,” he said.

“At least, if nothing else, when it all inevitably goes tits up, we won’t have any trouble getting to sleep….” he laughed.

New airport security measures concerning families with two names had an unexpected hiccup last night when Jacob Rees-Mogg was taken away for questioning by guards.

The new regulations, intended to reduce people trafficking, require families with two surnames to bring birth certificates or adoption papers to clarify their relationship.

As such, when Mr Rees-Mogg and his family were heading out on holiday yesterday, they found themselves facing a lot of questions from the border guards.

One of the security squad on duty last night, Luke Afterham, explained things thusly:

“This guy comes through with two surnames, so naturally my boys and I stopped him for questioning. He got all snooty, asking, ‘don’t you know who I am?’ – as it happens, we did, but rules is rules, and two names means extra questioning, so we had to haul him away. He protested that rules were only in place for poor people, but we explained that as we were the enforcers and we were poor too, we were just doing our jobs correctly.”

The security guards escorted Mr Rees-Mogg away, much to the excitement of his wife and children. Assistant security chief Ann Sermy picks up the story:

“I asked him all the standard questions about whether he could prove he’s their biological father, and he looked down his nose at me, told me to shut up and get back in the kitchen. For that I put the rubber gloves on straight away. He protested that he was a Conservative MP, so I responded that he must be used to doing this sort of thing for fun then.”

Eventually, they had to release Mr Rees-Mogg, when his children took to passing the time by reciting their Latin verbs, thus proving beyond all doubt he was their biological father.

Still, bravo to the airport staff for doing their job so diligently. That rectal examination must have been unpleasant.

“Well, technically it’s not part of the procedure for people-trafficking,” Miss Sermy admitted, “but we figured a smug bastard like that must have something to hide so we checked him for drugs as well while we had the chance. You know how much cocaine his lot get through.”

Mr Rees-Mogg himself has declined to comment on the incident. He was last seen boarding the plane with a complexion that could be described as resembling Count Dracula, if that esteemed Transylvanian noble will forgive me for such a comparison.

What follows is a work of imagination and fiction...

“Hip hip hooray!” cried Arron. “Time for our hols! Let’s get the chaps together.” Nigel ran around excitedly, as though he knew what was going on, even though he was a dog.

Soon the Infamous Five were all assembled: Arron, Jacob, Terry and Arlene (not forgetting Nigel the dog).

“Where are going?” asked Arlene. “I hear Northern Ireland is jolly nice.”

“We are going to Uncle Donald’s place, More-a-Lager,” said Arron.

“Hooray! I love Uncle Donald!” exclaimed Terry. Terry was a girl who wanted to be a boy. Her real name was Theresa, but everyone always called her Terry.

Jacob’s nanny had packed a picnic with piles of ham sandwiches and lashings of ginger beer. They piled into the Mystery Machine and set off. In no time at all they reached More-a-Lager.

A policeman stood outside. “Well, I say, this is jolly queer,” said Jacob.

“Evening all!” said the policeman. “Awfully sorry chaps, but you can’t go in. There’s been an insinuation of money laundering!”

“But we are guests of Uncle Donald’s, my good man,” said Arlene.

“Sorry miss, my mistake, do come in,” replied the contrite policeman. “Only doing my job, my lady.”

“What’s money laundering?” whispered Terry, anxious to keep on top of things as always.

“It’s when an absolute rotter makes heaps of cash by being very naughty,” Arron explained. “He then invests it in genuine assets.”

I never knew that you could make money running through wheat fields, thought Terry.

It was dark inside, but they could hear muffled grunts and the sound of water splashing. They headed straight for the kitchen. There, sitting gagged and bound, was Uncle Donald!

Terry fainted. Arlene crossed herself. Arron and Jacob found themselves standing unusually erect. Only Nigel took action, bounding across the kitchen to where the other man stood, bent over a basin. Distracted from his work, he looked up suddenly.

“Uncle Vladimir!” they all cried at once.

“Who’s a good boy then? You haven’t changed a bit!” said Uncle Vladimir to Nigel, who was happily humping his leg. “Here, have a Scooby Snack!”

“What’s going on?” asked Jacob, still feeling strangely uplifted.

“Uncle Donald and I had a few vodkas, then went for a jolly nice walk,” explained Uncle Vladimir. “Unfortunately, we fell into some puddles, which were jolly muddy, so I am washing all our notes and coins.”

“And why is Uncle Donald gagged and bound?” asked Terry. “He looks like he is about to burst!”

“It’s OK, I’ve burst already,” laughed Uncle Donald, releasing himself from bondage. “Seeing you always makes me jolly well burst!”

“Oh, Uncle Donald!” tittered Terry, blushing.

“I’ve finished too,” said Uncle Vladimir. “Let’s go before the plods start nosing around again.”

“Come with us!” said Arron.

On the way out, they encountered the faithful policeman again. “I say, good evening, my good fellow,” said Jacob amiably. “We’ve sorted everything out, just a little misunderstanding, don’t you know. Why don’t you toddle off to the food bank?”

“Much obliged, I’m sure, my lord,” he replied, toddling off.

“I say, it was jolly good luck you turned up just then!” said Uncle Vladimir. “I have gotten away with it, thanks to you meddling kids!”

They all piled into the Mystery Machine, where they found enough ham sandwiches and ginger beer left to have a jolly good feast.

The NHS is set for a record cash windfall as the opinions of Iain Duncan Smith and other ERG members are to replace GP consultations in a move saving NHS billions.

”The initiative was Jacob Rees-mogg’s idea,” an aide to Irritable Duncan Smith told our health correspondent,

“they were having a WhatsApp group discussion over what’s the desired, mandatory rate of birth to compel women by law to meet after Brexit, to make Britain great again, when someone decided they should call an expert in the field of reproduction,

”No one wanted to talk to Boris though, so they decided to set the birth rate at the level decided by whoever had the strongest opinion.”

This breakthrough in future governance of the United Kingdom led to a light bulb moment.

”It’s already been trialled successfully on Radio 4 news programmes for the last couple of years anyway. Whenever some politically motivated, so called expert bangs on opining over the field they’ve spent decades working in, Sarah Sands ensures some objectively focused, non-political blowhard from the ERG is on for “balance”. You know to scream project fear and deny reality.”

NHS bosses are yet to give their opinion on the move.

”Whatever they say will be less qualified than Iain anyway,” the aide said, “so what’s it matter what they say? Just think of the money saved? It’s an end to NHS austerity right now.”

The opinions will be available on prescription. Just phone Iain up and describe what is ailing you and he’ll tell you what he thinks it is. We can have a fire sale of all that over hyped medical equipment now.”

But what if Iain says you need an operation? That your condition is life threatening?

”It won’t happen. Iain doesn’t do Project Fear. He sticks solely to project whatever he thinks the backers of Brexit want to hear.”

The Conservative Party became the newest left of centre political party in the U.K. today, and the largest, as their membership topped 10 million after everyone told to “fuck off and join the Tories then” by a Momentum activist did.

”We expect to top twenty million by the end of the day,” Phillip Davies, MP for not protecting his constituency but favouring chipboard thinking, told LCD Views.

We spoke to Phillip during a tour of a timber mill, where he was shopping for a new head.

”I don’t mind telling you the 1922 committee is in absolute meltdown. There’s pressure to change our entire policy platform and rename the committee the 2018 committee. It’s blood curdling. If we can’t get a handle on events we will end up being the party that stops Brexit. Our soul will burn and we’ll just be ash.”

It seems the boost is solely down to the unique campaigning style of diehard supporters of Jeremy Corbyn.

”They’ve been advising anyone who raises a concern over the screaming disconnect in the thinking of a politician who claims to be a social democrat, but supports the worst hard right agenda currently going, to join us for the last couple of years. And people are, seeing no other way out. It’s horrible. They’re coming in such numbers they’ll change all our policies. How will rail privatisation succeed now?

”We’re suppose to be a nasty little clique who redirects the anger of the people we exploit. But now. I’m trembling.”

Corbyn supporters themselves were enraged by the unfolding events too.

”See! Yellow Tory Blairite backstabbing scum! When we screamed fuck off and join the Tories we thought they’d flock to us,

“You can’t trust these neocon stooges and their determination to resist the asset stripping of the U.K. by resisting the fascist agenda of Brexit. They’re supposed to drive Brexit forward with us, ruin the lives of tens of millions of people, so we get a revolution that will make anyone left alive after join hands in solidarity and red lentils,

“We should have deselected the Blairite MPs much earlier. Having scores less MPs wouldn’t have weakened us as those constituencies would have voted for whichever pure Corbyn fan we put forward for them. It’s just so obvious.”

Quite how Corbyn and his activists ever expected to gain power by alienating millions and millions of centre and left of centre voters is still unclear, by ignoring and/or supporting Brexit, but now it seems completely unobtainable.

”Which is just how we want it,” one told us on the quiet, “that way we can forever infight until we achieve purity. And we get to stay victims. We don’t understand power. Not a bit of it. It’s how we like it.”

Quite how the U.K. seems so far up shit creek without a paddle to this point, is anyone’s guess.

”It’s nothing to do with the leaders of both main political parties having committed to a brazen lie for ideological ends,” Davies clarified, “now, if you wouldn’t mind? I’d like a few kilograms of that oak stump for a head.”

The government declared the teetering NHS fit for Brexit today as plans were revealed to stockpile pieces of wood in advance of any Brexit.

The wood will be supplied by the head of David Davis after application of a chisel, and also the mass purchase of recently redundant Swedish forests, made available by forces that have no link whatsoever with global warming.

Speaking exclusively to LCD Views, recently upcycled plank Matt Hand-Cock MP gave details of the reassuring measures.

”We’re measuring the pieces of wood in inches,” Hand-Cock said, his hands under the table for the entirety of the interview, “and we’re bringing traditional pain relief back to the National Health Service, which I don’t mind saying lost its way under the last Labour government.”

It’s unclear if the pieces of wood will be single or multi-use.

”Definitely multi-use,” Matt Hand-Cock interrupted, “that’s one of the benefits of Brexit. The burning of the pernicious, nanny state red tape that stopped people contracting easily preventable diseases. That was no good. Immune systems need to stay in training, just like athletes.”

The pieces of wood will be multi-use, the Department for Health has very recently clarified, which will lead to the sort of cost savings that could buy say, seven luxury flats to forget about.

”And furthermore, people won’t even need to visit a pharmacy for pain relief after this measure comes into play,” Matt Hand-Cock said. “all they will need to do is search their local woods for suitable timber and then you can even amputate that post Brexit, pus filled, diabetes ravaged limb in the comfort of your own home.”

The navy is said to be especially excited, as endless cuts to defence have left them wondering how they’re supposed to supply all those shiny new boats.

”Not having to buy painkillers for the ship surgery is a total boon of Brexit,” said an admiral speaking from the early 19th century, where Brexiters live.

Medical groups have voiced some concerns over the measures, but as Gove would say, the people have had enough of experts.

”Just mind the splinters,” Hand-Cock advised, “as there won’t be anymore dentists. Now get ready to embrace the feeling of woody sovereignty that will come with Brexit.”