Category: Governing the people

The woman clinging grimly to power by the skin of her teeth has outlined her plans for funding the NHS. The so-called “Brexit Dividend” is to be funded by tax cuts.

The stunning increase in revenue from cutting taxes is yet another paradox which soon becomes self-explanatory. These are Alt Tax Cuts.

“Brexit is vital to fund the NHS properly,” said the PM’s spokesman Toadie Lyne. “Once we recoup that £350m a week, or whatever figure is being bandied about this week by the traitors in our midst, everyone will be better off. A small contribution from the public may be needed, and Alt Tax Cuts will achieve this.”

“This is a tax increase by the back door!” thundered brave MP Ria Liszt. “The people will never agree to this. Vote for cuts, moan about the lack of funding, that’s the British way.”

“These are not tax increases, they are Alt Tax Cuts!” Lyne countered. “Leaving a massively lucrative trading bloc will enrich us all. The EU will be so desperate to have us back that they will fund our NHS for us. That’s what tomorrow’s Daily Mail will say, anyway.”

Latest figures suggest that each of us will be Alt Better Off to the tune of at least £1000 per household. Possibly even more.

It is at least now clear where the Magic Money Tree is. It’s in the pockets of each and every one of us taxpayers. Unfortunately, not even its most adventurous tendril has yet to reach the mythical treasure troves of the super rich.

Jeremy Corbyn is believed to have been wrong footed by this latest piece of government mendacity. Not knowing whether an Alt Tax Cut is a good thing or a bad thing, he is whipping up a frenzy of uncertainty. Meanwhile, Ria Liszt is said to be looking for another job.

Take Back Control. Alt. Delete.

There are reports of mass confusion and rage amongst the gammon electorate, and the true believers following any messiah they can find, today as latest polling by Sum1PlsGov reports Belgian MEP Guy Maurice Marie Louise Verhofstadt has overtaken ‘Don’t Know’ as preferred prime minister of the United Kingdom.

Mister Guy had yet to comment on the surprising result at the time of going to print, but close aides suggest the Leader of the Alliance of Liberals and Democrats for Europe is taking it in his stride.

“No shock here, after he called out Nigel Farage as the Russian cheerleader that he is, arguably doing a lot to further Putin’s presumed aim of smashing up the European Union, hand in hand with sociopathic tax dodgers and kleptocrats from all over the globe,” someone claiming to be an aide told us, “also it’s probably to do with the words Liberals and Democrats being included in his party’s name. The UK is reportedly withering on the democratic vine for want of such words in action.”

But avid reader of The Daily Fail, Mr Pork Scratchings, was livid,

“He’s got woman’s names!” he told us, “woman’s names! How the hell can he be a Guy with woman’s names!”

We weren’t getting much more out of Scratchings, so we looked for something quotable from the cult following that old guy about who carries a sandal and a little red book wherever he goes.

“This so called democrat is undermining the leader!” bellowed the faithful, “undermining the leader! Without total faith, and complete failure to examine the leader’s behaviour, there is no chance of the leader becoming the leader! It’s a betrayal of the leader! I need someone to lead me! Don’t threaten my emotional investment in the leader! He can’t try and stop Brexit, regardless of the fact that not being able to stop bad things happening, but being prepared to resist them, is the sum total of his whole career! Now is not the time to resist. Once the entire country is a smoking ruin, that is the time to fight back! Till then, stand in the rain with your powder and keep it dry!”

As to a quote from the mass of other people in the United Kingdom, daily reading reports of the economy going to hell in a hand cart, and racists mass demonstrating on the streets of the capital, along with tearing up of established democratic norms, there was only silence, because their views no longer count as the United Kingdom had its last vote of consequence in an opinion poll a couple of years ago now.

Oysters living in beds on the briny beach have abandoned efforts to halt their being taken for a “walk up the beach” by the Walrus and the Carpenter following “significant” concessions made by the Carpenter.

“We have received the personal assurances from the Carpenter that she will agree to the broad thrust of our proposals for a “meaningful vote” on both the planned walk up the beach, and also on the potential use of pepper and vinegar,” said a spokesman for the rebel oysters, Gromonic Dieve.

Confirming that talks on ancillary agreements concerning the issue of “seas and ships and sealing wax” had been successfully concluded, he added that a deal over “cabbages and kings” was imminent but that some differences still remained concerning “why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings”,  which he was sure could be ironed out without unnecessary unpleasantness.

Commenting briefly on the agreement, the Carpenter said only that it was “A matter of trust”, but declined to rule out the possible future introduction of bread and butter into the proceedings.

However, despite the assurances offered by the Carpenter, the Walrus appeared to rule out backing the oyster’s consultation plan.

“Oyster walking is a constitutional issue. You cannot have crustaceans dictating policy to mammals,” he said sternly.

“We held a referendum between the two of us which returned a clear unanimous majority in favour of continuing the walk on our own terms. We cannot, and indeed should not allow our principles to be overturned; ” he added.

Having expressed their contentment with the Carpenter’s assurances Dieve confirmed that he and his fellow rebel oysters had, as agreed,  brushed their coats, washed their faces and donned neat, clean shoes, but requested a degree of leeway over the speed of peregrination due to corpulence factors beyond their control.

“Some of us are out of breath, and all of us are fat,” he pointed out, thanking the Carpenter for her consideration in allowing them more time to “hop through the frothy waves” and “scramble to the shore” before setting off at a “gentle trot”.

Efforts by reporters to contact the oysters following their walk, to confirm compliance by the Walrus and Carpenter with the pre-agreed conditions, were  unfortunately unsuccessful.

Speaking to LCD views, the Walrus confirmed that all the oysters had indeed enjoyed a pleasant run but had unanimously declined to return to their bed.

“We did offer them to chance to trot off home again but none responded to our offer,” he said licking a stray blob of butter from his tusk.

A woman is to spend the next few days working out whether or not she can get away with breaking promises made to her lawyer.

”It’s a bit sticky, isn’t it?” the toilet roll holder in her office told us, “I’m spinning around and around in anticipation.”

In anticipation of spending a lot of time with one person in particular, hiding in here with you?

”Yes. I’m screwed to the wall in the 10 Downing Street WC. This means in times of crisis people tend to hide out inside with me, sometimes for hours or days at a time.”

But why would the woman even consider breaking promises to her lawyer?

”Because it’s either break them to him or break them to a bunch of swivel eyed idiots who have no genuine understanding of how international trade works, or the life and death nature of the Irish Border problem and who seem willing to watch the U.K. descend into anarchy for their feverish, ideological nightmare to become reality.”

Well, it’s either the lawyer or she breaks her promises, made in clammy palmed moments, to the swivel eyed idiots? Oh, and some creationists.

”That’s where you’re wrong. She needs to break her promises to everyone while seeming to break them to none.”

Ah. Fudgberg.

”It’s pretty much the entire governing policy of the United Kingdom now. That and ruining the lives of poor and vulnerable people.”

This doesn’t sound like a very sensible way to manage a country.

”You only say that because you don’t understand how vitally important it is that the woman stays prime minister. And furthermore how important it is that her party stays in power. That’s really all that matters to her and her party. Even if she’s just the fall guy.”

But surely the future of the country is more important? Not lying is important?

”If all that was so important there’s a man who would be fighting Brexit tooth and nail, who isn’t, who’s actually helping it.”

Now I’m confused. Dominic Grieve is fighting Brexit tooth and nail, he’s backing and backing May into the corner she’s painted for herself.

”Not that man. The other one. The one holding a party on the weekend to celebrate how great he is at a time of national crisis.”

Are we completely screwed?

”No. Reality is on our side. And time still. Remember, whatever parliament does it can undo.”

So long as it doesn’t drive us over a cliff.

”True. But just sit tight and keep at it. She’s going to have to break a promise to someone next few days and when she does the proverbial is going to hit the fan.”

The woman who, somehow, is still the Prime Minister has accidentally disclosed Number Ten’s hiring protocol. The PM is only allowed to fire ministers who are less competent than she is herself.

The reasons are obvious. An incompetent underling should be removed, on the grounds that you could do a better job yourself. But if the reverse were the case, the subordinate has grounds to argue his or her case, and win. It’s democracy in action.

Case in point: David Davis. This is a man promoted well beyond his abilities, yet remaining in post. A man with little apparent grasp of the fundamentals of his job, and lacking the work ethic to amend this. Still when clashing with May about the NI backstop issue, his threat to resign must have made May back down. A stronger leader might have called his bluff, or imposed her will.

The only Will that May seems to exert is the much-abused Will of the People, that tenuous and quite probably illegitimate justification for her government’s ruinous policy.

This explains why Jeremy C. Hunt was promoted, not sacked. It explains why Liam Fox continues to rack up the air miles. It explains why Boris Johnson still has a job, however hard he tries to get fired.

Amber Rudd went because she was not competent enough to sort out the mess May, her predecessor, left for her. Damian Green had to go because pornography is one of the few remaining taboos for government ministers. Ignore the fact that if Green had been caught having sex, not merely watching it, everything would have been fine and dandy.

In fact it seems that the government is an arch in inverse, with the keystone at the bottom. If May cracks, the whole show will collapse about her ears. May surely knows this, she is not stupid. So who is holding her in place? The unelected, unaccountable plutocrats who are gagging for the hardest possible Brexit, which will give them a big pay day and allow them to continue to dodge their tax liabilities?

May is incapable of standing up to the bullies in and behind her cabinet, and unable to stand up for the principles she believes in.

Doubtless this was why she was permitted to become PM.

Few would dare say it out loud, but at the age of 92 the fact remains that our dearly beloved Queen Elizabeth II is cruising gently to the end of both her reign and indeed her time with us here on earth.

It is a measure of the wisdom and maturity with which she continues to fulfil her role as the mother of the nation that she has not held back from planning for what will be required following her inevitable, but no less mourned, demise, and has made known her wishes for her final resting place.

But while news that the government and the BBC have long been planning for the inevitable passing of our royal head of state and have even designated a special code word “London Bridge is down” for alerting the necessary organs of state her demise, “Her Madge’s” own plans have remained strictly come dancing.

Sorry, strictly under wraps.

Indeed, it has come as some surprise to learn that Madge has chosen to break with long standing traditions that from 1485 to 1820 accorded reigning monarchs a state funeral and burial in Westminster Abbey, and from 1820 onwards a national day of mourning for a state funeral in St George’s chapel, Windsor.

Instead she has let it be known to a select few privy councillors, flunkies, and retainers that she wishes to return to the earlier tradition established by the last Plantagenet monarch Richard III of being buried under a car park.

Richard’s choice was controversial even at the time of his demise in 1485.

Not least because it would be more than 400 years before the first cars were invented and only some years later that their numbers would increase to the point where they would require what were quickly, but erroneously, described as “automotive recreational areas”, or “car parks” for short.

A misnomer, that both traditionalists and visitors to NHS hospitals have long held does accurately describe the false impression that the vehicles so parked have taken root and will never be moved, but fails to acknowledge the obvious flaw in the argument, namely that the only fruit they ever appear to bear is in the form of parking tickets.

The question of which car park in particular her majesty wishes to be interred under is to date a closely guarded secret known only to the Royal Household, the prime minister Mrs May, and her predecessor Mr Cameron, and Ms Jo Cooper the CEO of National Car Parks (NCP).

Similarly under wraps is the nature of the vehicle which will be parked in the royal slot by way of a memorial.

The Gold State Coach (with newly installed integral shower facilities) has already been pre-booked for future visits by the supreme leader, His Excellency, president for life, Donald Trump while the family of big black rollers will be required by Liz’ own family, for her funeral procession through central London.

Which leaves only her own personal Land Rover Defender, the car in which she famously drove the late Saudi Arabian Monarch King Abdullah at high speed around the royal Balmoral estate, demonstrating the skills she learned as a military truck driver for the Women’s Auxiliary Territorial Service of the British Army during the second world war.
And, by all accounts, scaring the living bejeezus out of him in the process.

A fitting epitaph for any monarch, and one any car park would be proud to host.

Great news today for lovers of novelty tourism with the announcement that chumpy chum of the chum chum chumocracy, Boris ‘the chump’ Johnson (we mean it in the slang American sense) is to begin giving guided tours of a burning nuclear reactor.

“I want everyone to be reassured that no matter how badly the tour goes, Mr Dick will be perfectly safe. He is protected from all fallout by virtue of privilege and wealth,” tour booking agent, Lord Michael Howard, told us this morning, “and I am too. It’s sensible, early in life, to be sure you’re in the chumocracy. Birth is the best time to start.”

That’s reassuring to know. We wouldn’t want Mister Boris Cock’s trademark blonde mop to get singed as he shoves blinking peasantry through the nuclear flames.

But what price the tour?

“Millions of jobs,” Mr How-HOW?! replied, “it’s perfectly normal during times of deliberately created economic instability to sacrifice the livelihoods of millions of ordinary working people who were too stupid to choose the right accident of birth. Or who didn’t by hook or by crook manage to rectify that mistake during their formative years.”

When do the tours start?

“Oh, they’ve already begun. They are all day, every day and will continue until such time as a proper British Godzilla is born in the seas currently being polluted by radioactive waters, or the entire economy of the United Kingdom is successfully destroyed in order to make a few offshore tax exiles even wealthier.”

Excellent! What happens next, if the British Godzilla doesn’t arrive?

“Full blown fascism and a few years down the road World War Three, most likely, as the results of the project steamroll out of control and the rise of nationalism in Europe leads to conflict again. A lot of people stand to make an awful lot of money. It’s delightful.”

And what will Theresa May do now? Faced with the announcement of the guided tours?

“What she always does. Stand stock still, too terrified to move.”

And what about alternative tour leader Jeremy ‘the boy’ Corbyn? Some believe he could stand in the way of the tours if he choose?

Mr How-how-HOW? Why are you laughing?

“I wasn’t laughing. I was choking back my laughter. There’s a difference. He’s holding a party in the park while the entire fucking country descends into anarchy. Which is just what we want him to do. It’s funny where you find your allies in times of change.”

The people have the power.

“Excuse me?”

Nevermind. You can piss off back to your insulated privilege and blithely talk about the destruction of millions of people’s livelihoods as a price worth paying for some undefined goal somewhere distant.

“I might just do that. Take the tour and when you do, breathe in deep. The deeper you breathe, the richer we get.”

Sajid Javid found himself under fire today for something other than having to untangle his predecessors inhuman immigration policies after the release of a HO Doomsday Brexit Britain survival guide.

”Everyone is unfairly criticising the standard of graphic design on our new A4 size poster guides,” an unpaid intern told LCD Views, as we took them on a tour of our Human Resources department to show them what personnel files of people who get paid millions look like.

”We all worked really hard this morning to come up with the poster after Mr Javid said Ms May had sent a Mr Parkinson over to DExEU to threaten Mr Davis for lack of planning when Mr Davis has been urging Ms May to stock up on tins of baked beans for a week now.”

But how did the Home Office come into it?

”That was the Home Secretary’s bright idea after he saw on his WhatsApp group for post Brexit customs planning, all ministers are in one of two, that there was rising tension between Downing Street and DExEU over it.”

So he took the initiative to assist his colleagues?

”I think he was grandstanding personally, but as all other ministers are currently taking a nap and hoping all their troubles will be gone when they wake for lunch, someone had to act to reassure the public.”

I didn’t realise the official opposition front bench and leader were cabinet ministers too?

”Sorry?”

Everyone is asleep.

”Well, quite.”

So what is wrong with the posters?

”Apparently it looks like someone just smashed it together in a couple of minutes on a smart phone app.”

We can’t see anything wrong with that!

”Well, just so. But apparently the public expect a higher standard of design if you’re going to tell them to eat their cats to help make a success of Brexit.”

The Department for Work and Penury was proclaiming its latest success today after it announced that unemployment for clowns is at an all time record low.

”It helps that we’ve changed the way we measure clowning,” Mr R Eaper told LCD Views during a tour of a new workhouse, “now you just have to be appointed to the cabinet.”

So tell us about this new build?

”Once this factory is completed Global Britain will completely eradicate unemployment and the unemployed. We’re always looking backward for the solutions of today. Especially philosophically.”

Late 18th or early 19th century?

”Oh both. And 14th if you consider our deep, frothing at the mouth need to remove FOM from the poor classes. It’s nice our colleague’s running Labour are also committed to that gross reduction of rights for everyday people.”

Why is it that freedom of movement is so bad?

”The British people voted to make racism policy on the 23rd June 2016. We’re just delivering on what was ordered in the completely democratic opinion poll. It’s a good thing Jezza Corbistan is also signed up to that dogwhistle. Makes it a damn sight easier to sell.”

Okay. Next question. Will any clowns be visiting this shiny new workhouse?

”We’ll mostly be confining welfare debtors and their children here to make matches in the old fashioned labour intensive way. Keep those criminal hands busy at constructive work.”

Yes, but will clowns end up here?

”I guess one will turn up for opening day. Cut the ribbon. But mostly I expect them all to be busy for the timebeing employing their excessive personal wealth to ensure after Brexit they maintain individually their freedom of movement. Now, let’s have a look inside the big tent?”