Category: Brexit

KNIGHTS IN SHINING AUDIS: The cavalry is coming! Over the hill… across the channel… and straight into an endless queue to buy the last gallon of unleaded in the country.

A fleet of elegant, modern, continental vehicles rolled smoothly off the ferry, putting the English jalopies and Eastern European rejects to shame. Unfortunately they arrived on Great British roads. Almost immediately they were forced to follow an old boy in a 1960s Hillman Imp, weaving in and out of the lanes, making it impossible to pass. But there was a Union Jack sticker on the corroded chrome bumper, so that was all right.

Then there were the boy racers, zooming in and out of the traffic with no regard to the rules of the road, motor car safety, or bye-laws on noise management.

By the time that these classic British hazards had been negotiated, the little Woke ‘low fuel’ light was flashing, so the sleek limousines pulled into the nearest filling station.

Except that the queue was over a mile long, and the overhead signs read “No fuel at services”.

The drivers made a calculation in that rational way that only Germans deem necessary. There’s enough fuel left to make it back to the port, they decided. One swift U-Turn later, almost as swift as Boris Johnson caught in a disaster of his own making, and the Saviours of Britain were beating a hasty retreat. The snowflake Germans were jeered on their way by coughing, scurvy-riddled, patriotic peasants with most of their teeth missing.

In retreat, the Germans sent a message to the rump of British Command. We tried to rescue you and your economy, as promised, but British motorists and total lack of Unleaded thwarted the attempt. Goodbye, farewell, auf wiedersehen pet.

The German car manufacturers have finally made it. They came, they saw, they went home as quickly as possible.

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL DEAD CAT : IDIOTS and UNPATRIOTIC TYPES can NOT BE FORGIVEN for BELIEVING that the country’s empty petrol stations are a source of concern for 10 Downing Street.

“It’s the opposite,” a source inside 10 Downing Street TOLD LCD Views. “It’s a real and tangible benefit. And the timing couldn’t be more perfect. I mean have you looked around you? Talk about a multi-catastrofuck. The entire country is going down the pan because we got Brexit done. Thank God for the fuel crisis! That’s really focused minds.”

Focused minds and taken them away (temporarily) from all the other crisis now ongoing.

“We’ve got the pandemic still raging which is now essentially democide in the form of interpretive governance dance. We’ve got the food supply chain difficulties that pre-existed the petrol crisis. We’ve got an NHS waiting lists crisis because we wanted the public to take the virus on the chin. This is because none of us understand economics. Forget about seeing a dentist. Trash piling up in the streets in Kent. That’s the bits we haven’t carparked for Brexit. We got a gas crisis. A burnt down connector to France crisis that no one is bothering to wonder about. Phew! An international credibility crisis. We’re just hoping if we ignore NI that it will go away. The Scots ready to leave the country which means parking the nukes in the Thames. A crisis of food poverty because we’ve spent over a decade deliberately creating poverty by policy. Ministers routinely breaking the law, but thankfully getting away with it. Racists unhappy because we’re not placing naval mines into the Channel. But we still need to bait them after spending years grooming them. And on top of all of this we still have to save Christmas. Which means finding a way to get turkeys to market after we’ve made it illegal for the workers trained to do it to come to Blighty. What fuel crisis? That’s the wrong question. Thank god for the fuel crisis!”

It couldn’t come at a better time.

THE IDIOT’S IDIOT : THE UK’S ENTITLED WRECKING BALL lord frost IS TO DEMAND THE EU RENEGOTIATE BREXIT.

Demands to renegotiate Brexit were expected to be an annual UK festival but now that Brexit is done the festival has become weekly. We all just love doing it so much.

In part the popularity of the event is to keep the EU talking to the UK. Even if we are now the aged, soiled drunk in the corner of the bar attempting to barge our way into a group of functional people having a good time. We think we’re a lovable rogue (with barely a pound in our pocket) and we don’t care what they think. But it is also in part because the charlatans who delivered Brexit don’t have any ideas what to do about the crises they’ve delivered. Best try and keep the focus on Europe! If we make enough fuss maybe they’ll give us what we want to shut us up.

If the EU agrees to reopen negotiations it will be a substantial win for Brexit.

“They have to play ball,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s in their interest as much as ours. Really, they still need us more than we need them but they just haven’t realised yet that we hold all the cards.”

It is hoped the German automotive sector will apply pressure on the Commission to begin the renegotiation. Soon the HGV drivers will come flooded back across the English Channel.

“It’s obvious that the moment we left the EU we became more powerful than they could possibly imagine. They just haven’t realised it yet. In the interim, don’t drive your car, don’t go to the pharmacy, don’t eat more than you need to subsist, don’t watch what’s happening to democratic principles of governance, but do wait for Boris Johnson’s to emerge from hiding with a classical reference about petrol refineries. Because that will help imbue confidence in the market.”

A STITCH IN TIME : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is to solve the fuel crisis afflicting Britain by employing one of his standard tactics.

It’s believed the plan involves messing up his hair and standing outside 10 Downing Street pretending he’s just walked Dylin.

“He regrets getting that hair cut,” a source inside 10 Downing Street tells LCD Views. “He could do with being able to produce a mess as big as the country at the moment. No one will think he’s capable of overseeing such a rapid deterioration in the UK’s standard of living so far if he’s got messy hair. I mean, he’s so harmless!

Other techniques will also be tried to stop the panic buying, which bafflingly to all seems to represent a loss of public trust in Boris Johnson’s government.

“He’s going to promise that everything will be better tomorrow, we just have to believe,” the source explains. “It’s classic Johnson. It’s always a lovely day tomorrow while today is always provably worse than yesterday. Tomorrow never comes, if you like. It works wonders.”

Government insiders are keen for the PM to “get a grip” on the senses of panic in the United Kingdom and “choose a fall guy” for the current calamity amongst ministers.

“We do need to get the fuel panic out of the way fast,” the source admits. “God only knows what problem Brexit will cause next week and there’s only so many times he can muss up his blonde locks before he needs a stiff drink and a good long rest.”

WE HAVE OUR BEST PEOPLE WORKING ON IT : 10 Downing Street has announced an extensive review of the “monumental” body of research compiled by the publicly subsidised European Research Group.

The ERG became famous in the years before Brexit for the intensity of its study into the relationship between the UK and the EU, and it is expected that they will have anticipated and solved all the problems now afflicting the UK.

“The ERG was composed of some of the finest minds the UK government has produced,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The cladding on their intelligence is phenomenal. Nothing gets in that they don’t want to. No fact. No semblance of reality can enter. In fact some of them are so dense between the ears that light bends around them. We expect this stellar quality will mean they had an unfettered imagination and will have foreseen and solved the many crises the pingdemic has caused Brexit. Which otherwise would have been completely successful.”

Where 10 Downing Street will turn if there aren’t any answers in the ERG papers is not yet clear, but it’s thought blaming the EU will satisfy most, regardless of outcomes.

“It’s impossible to imagine that Rees-mogg, Bridgen, Francois and other heavyweights won’t have already predicted and sorted out the supply chain crisis. Christmas will be saved. And if it isn’t the Prime Minister will simply unleash the bubonic plague so we can blame that. The most important thing is no one says that Brexit was the stupidest thing any country has done in living memory.”

While the public waits for the papers to give up their illuminations it is important that NO ONE PANICS.

Just because no one smart enough to do Brexit would, doesn’t mean that the people who did it are complete and utter idiots. Some of them are extremely successful vulture capitalists.

ARTS AND CRAFTS : The future of UK trade is secure today after British Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced he had joined a world beating free trading bloc.

Hot on the heels of despair and ignominy in the United States, that even the state broadcasting and propaganda service could not fully conceal, the PM is said to have “rolled up his sleeves” and taken a nap. Once the afternoon snooze was over he “rolled his sleeves up even higher” and got “completely plastered on some excellent vintages”.

The drinking is believed to be key to the trade bloc success as it “Provided the raw materials needed to construct it. Although the paint to paint little people on the side doing trade was domestically sourced”.

Of course building a new free trade association out of empty wine crates is a radical move but this is a radical Prime Minister. No one before has lied to the Queen and gotten away with it. Just think what he will achieve next!

“The new trade alliance will allow Downing Street to continue with the ramped up post Brexit economic strategy of paying industries Brexit is killing to shut up, while spending taxpayers money on international jollies,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We would like to invite the USA, Canada, Vietnam, Chile, New Zealand, Easter Island, Russia, well everyone really, to apply to join. Liz Truss is hanging by the telephone for your call.”

The new trading bloc has an apt name too that draws on the economic revolution that is occurring in the United Kingdom post Brexit.

“Members of the failing, tyrannical EU super state are welcome to free themselves of the bloc’s red tape and join us,” the source invites. “There are two sets of rules in our new association. Which one applies to you will be determined by your wealth at birth. Make us happy by doing our dirty work and we’ll give you a peerage too. It’s very exciting.”

The name of the free trade association is sure to excite.

“We’ve called it Free United Kingdom Demands International Trade,” the source beams. “Or F U K D I T for short. We believe it encapsulates the wins delivered by Brexit.”

FIDDLING AS ROME BURNS: World beating gaslighter Boris Johnson is pumping out hot air again. In a fine speech he insisted that fellow world leaders should take action instead of making fine speeches. 

“Fine speeches butter no parsnips!” he bellowed, coherently for once. “My parsnip is well buttered and oven ready! Slam in the lamb! Get the toad in the hole! Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we go again!” 

World leaders glanced at their translations in delight, as it seemed that Johnson was treating them to a cookery class this time. 

“What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander!” he continued. “Beware, my friends, your goose may be cooked, and the turkeys have voted for Christmas!” 

This was a very meaty speech. It was nothing to do with the energy crisis, but very entertaining. 

“Energy is a slippery customer, like a greased pig!” Johnson was hitting his stride now. He recognised the smiles on the faces of his audience. Encouraged, he carried on hungrily. “Out of the frying pan, into the fire! When the chips are down, there’s no point crying over spilt milk! This is no time to be mutton dressed as lamb! We must stop the gravy train, get on with the bread and butter!” 

This was splendid, vintage stuff. Numerous delegates were visibly salivating now. 

“You take the biscuit!” he continued. “Let them eat cake! The world is our oyster! Boiled beef and carrots! This is a trifle. Time to get our teeth into it! Fillet steak, rare, six bottles of champagne, and charge it to Macron!” 

He stumbled down to rapturous applause from the hungry crowd. 

“So what are you doing about the crisis?” asked an intrepid reporter backstage. 

“Do? I’ve just done my bit,” replied Johnson. “Now where’s the buffet?” 

There’s no gas, but plenty of gaslighting. 

TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR : The world beating United Kingdom government has today ramped up preparations for the first Brexit winter.

Work has been happening in the heart of Downing Street to ensure Britons fully experience what a minority voted for in a rigged, illegally influenced national opinion poll won on outright lies some years back. And that work is now baring its teeth.

“Candlelit vigils are out,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Not only will the ban allow us to get closer to achieving our climate change goals it will also mean Britons have heat and lighting through winter. Well. Some of winter. Probably.”

The ban on use of candles will last until Christmas with the UK’s manure smeared, tumbled haystack of governance, Boris Johnson, due to light a candle on the steps of 10 Downing Street on Christmas Eve to end the ban.

“Christmas will be saved,” the Downing Street source confirms. “You remember that classic British novel A Christmas Carol? You recall the Cratchit’s? Your Christmas will be like theirs, before Scrooge has his watershed moment. It’ll be great. Your PM’s Christmas will be like Scrooge’s just without the revelations or character development. It’ll be great too.”

Anyone caught holding a candlelit vigil will be prosecuted to the full extend of the law. It’s not clear what the crime will be yet, but they’ll be sure to make up one when its needed.

“If I were you I would not do anything but subserviently accept the ongoing deterioration in your living standards,” the source advised. “Go quietly into that good night. Go gentle. Mr Johnson must be seen to be a great Prime Minister. That is all that matters. That’s why schools are riddled with the virus. That’s why we’re using your money to pay off failing industries rather than acknowledge the failure is Brexit. To upset his apple cart would break the national delusion that it can not happen here. Because it can’t. Because we’re British.”

Exceptional.

FRIENDS IN NEED : The Department for Levelling Up has demonstrated today that it takes its mission seriously with the announcement that it has applied to Brussels for EU redevelopment funding.

The delipidated state of the United Kingdom has been a growing concern since 2010 with everyone baffled as to what has been going wrong. Most careful consideration would lead to suspecting the European Union is to blame as everyone knows that without UK cash it is finished. Well, it’s time to give something back.

It’s not clear who exactly signed off the request, although as the Department is now being run by Michael Gove, he is in the frame as having the “brass neck for it”.

To help the EU agree to fund the “levelling up” of the UK domestic media will run unusually abusive stories about Brussels with the French getting some heavy treatment, just because.

“The EU has to ask itself if it really wants a raging bin fire just off its coast?” a source inside the Department told LCD Views. “It’ll be very embarrassing for the European Union to be seen to be giving the UK a punishment beating by not paying to rectify the damage of over a decade of Tory policies. That sort of churlishness will not recommend the bloc to new members.”

Voices suggesting that tax havens should cough up the cash will thankfully be ignored.

“We can’t use British taxpayers cash to level up the United Kingdom,” the source explains. “British tax payer money is needed in the bank accounts of British territories that provide tax efficient services. Brussels must pay for our schools, roads, water, health and really everything or they risk missing out on the vital UK food bank market.”

Lord Frost is expected to support Mr Gove’s request by going to Brussels with a full nappy and running around the European Parliament with it screaming incoherently about wanting a toy truck for Christmas that comes “with a HGV driver”.