Category: Brexit

AND THE BAND PLAYED ON : The UK’s government has stopped at nothing to ensure that every sector of the UK economy experiences the possibilities of Brexit, and there’s no sign of ramping down on that.

Businesses are becoming vocal over what the new opportunities mean, especially given that it’s now a constant state of crisis. Although Downing Street have moved to reassure everyone that the hedge funds are doing roaring business and really that’s “all that matters”.

But to help with the transition to the post Brexit economy the business minister and his little ministers have spoken to the press to provide reassurance.

“Government has heard your concerns and we are determined to do nothing about them but release word salads,” the Department for Business told LCD Views. “We will of course cook up some headline grabbing initiatives to lure EU workers back into the arms of Priti Patel. You can expect these to fail completely and for us to claim success.”

There was further guidance though for any business operator, or employee in a vulnerable sector.

“We are changing as a country. Change isn’t always easy. Growth isn’t always painless, unless you have offshore accounts in tax havens. Ha!” the department advised. “But we need you to do your part to help us seize the tangible benefits of Brexit. To this end you must adapt with us. You must be ready to lower your expectations and crush your dreams. You will face the sternest of government responses if you attempt to expose Brexit for the shoddy scam we all know that it is.”

There is of course one great thing that businesses can do to this end.

“British businesses must learn to adapt to going out of business,” the Business Secretary reassured. “And to allow the corpses of your enterprises to be scavenged over by our party donors. Otherwise what was the point of Brexit?”

BREXMAS IS COMING : DOWNING STREET is to continue with the fine tradition of spaffing millions up the wall of billboards with a public information campaign aimed at preparing Britons for the coming winter.

Rumours leaking out of 10 Downing Street suggest there was considerable debate over what the public information campaign should focus on, with a split in the cabinet between highlighting the best dishes to cook your neighbours with for high nutritional value, and a less alarmist focus on just eating your own pets.

“It’s vitally important for community cohesion that people just eat their own animals,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Neighbours are likely to turn on each other if the classic Sunday roast is the £1500 toy poodle from up the street and not your own rescue cat.”

A website is planned with recipe ideas for everything from small birds like finches and all the way up to large dogs like Great Danes.

“We would like to encourage people to club together during the colder months. Mostly each other’s pets of course. Maybe take turns and have each other over for dinner? Although if I were you I’d extend the first invite!”

The Prime Minister himself is said to favour also spending five hundred billion on a user friendly cooking app.

“You just put in the species you plan to cook over the chopped up sofa in your backyard and it will provide a range of recipes based on your geographical location. This is a key feature as different areas of the country have different herbs and weeds available for forage through winter.”

But critics on the opposition benches have hit back at the plan and said the focus is clearly discriminatory as not everyone has a yard. No less a placard crusader than a former leader of the official opposition is to do what he has done best for decades and hold a sign saying “What about people who live in flats?” before going shopping for a new tracksuit.

Mr Johnson is to end the campaign with the approach of spring in 2022 and promise everyone the possibility of “great new pets” in the future. Which perfectly fits his pattern of governance.

BUILD BACK BLATHER : The dust is settling on the abandoned canapes and the last tortured strains of karaoke are spasming in the sticky corners of a Manchester function room with the dead skin cells lost during the frenzied Torygasm. The success of the eternal Tory project has been celebrated for another year.

“Of course it never ends,” a partied out 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “So long as people are inventing new things, developing novel industries and ideas there will be other’s work to appropriate and pretend it is your own. That is where the profit lies. Take the endeavour of someone else’s life and crack it open like a nut to eat what is inside. Discard the shell. Ignore their baffled eyes. The day to day work of Toryism is on a higher plane. You can see its contrails on high. Blood red blue blood. Pass the caviar darling. Prepare the blood transfusions….”

The higher plain where the work of centuries goes on. Taking the fat from the lamb while the lamb struggles on. Baffled eyes. Distorted nostrils. It eats the meagre grass at its feet while its foul shepherd carves away its flanks. Again and again. The EU almost ruined it. What with its guaranteed minimum standards and rights. Brexiter and Lexiter joined together to set that right. Embrace Brexit they say, so I can continue to fight for you safe with my public pay. Who is the greater devil? The one who comes in the night or the one who stands there like a fucking doorstop to let the devil in?

“Not just anyone can be an MP,” the source muses, finger trailing around the lipsticked edge of a fractured champagne flute. Dust motes in the reflected sparkles of a disco ball. Bones at the source’s feet. Bones of an aspiration albatross taken from the back of someone born dirt poor and chained in the womb. Ring through its beak. Then drag it to the dance floor and slaughter it amongst the tight circle of the clan. Chant “UC cut!” as the last embers of hope die in the mythical creature’s eyes. Poverty is motivational, right?

“What next I wonder?” the source of wonder. “We need a high wage, high skill economy. HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!”

Prepare the sacrifice. Build back blather. Batter the poor and fry ’em.

A PROBLEM SHARED : Downing Street have solved the niggling post Brexit teething problem of a shortage of qualified labour in the haulage industry. As of midnight today all foreign born UK residents will automatically qualify to drive heavy goods vehicles.

The decision to pass them all at once is said to be a “masterstroke” of Prime Minister Boris Johnson in between the “sixth and seventh courses” at dinner last night, but “before the sorbet, which he finds as boring as falling life expectancy under his watch”.

What the new drivers will feel about their sudden qualifications isn’t clear. However both Brexiters and Lexiters expect the hoovering of labour from one sector to another of the economy during a sudden “economic shock and systemic crisis caused by wilful pursuit of ideology with no reference to reality or the holistic nature of society” will be a complete success. No one can expect inflation to hammer UC recipients as a result.

“To assist with the transition from whatever they were doing till today the Home Office is working with the Department of Transport to help,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “By way of Henry VIII powers we have passed a new law criminalising anyone who can talk foreign who doesn’t immediately turn up for work with their new Class 1 licence.”

Age is not thought to be a deterrent, either youth or old age, as “you’re just sitting in a bally cab letting the truck do most of the work anyway”, according to the Prime Minister.

Once the pilot scheme has proved a complete success it will be rolled out to other areas of the economy which are also experiencing shortages.

“Javid is especially eager to use the new system to solve the NHS workforce shortfalls. He saw a child with a toy stethoscope the other day and believed he was a doctor. It won’t be long before this is actually true.”

The one exception will be wealthy Tory donors who were born overseas as they will “be given peerages so long as the money keeps flowing into the Tory Party coffers.”

The decision to gift the licences out does also mean that the Prime Minister himself is now instantly qualified to drive a HGV.

“Mr Johnson is looking forward to getting into the cab of a giant truck and driving it back and forth over whatever is left of the economy. Once Brexit is finished with it.”

COMING AND GOING : The UK’s Under Secretary of State for Fucking Business has taken to the press today to support his boss Kwasi Kwarteng’s assessment of UK economic prospects.

“We’re in transition,” Rt Hon Horrible Prospects told LCD Views. “We’re transitioning from a functional, fully integrated, industrialised and powerful nation into a shitshow where bin fires are the largest growth sector. If you’ve some old oil drums in your backyard it’s going to be very exciting. You can rent them out by the hour. Make extra supplying the foraged combustibles.”

The Under Secretary of State words will bring hope and cheer to many who are likely looking at the worsening supply chain issues and wondering what the hell is going on? How bad is this going to get before sanity returns? Why don’t all the opposition MPs band together to demand this farcical vulture capitalist government get to fuck? And really what is the point of having a sovereign monarch if they just do not seem to care at all how badly the country is mismanaged?

“I have of course noted your concerns over the present supply issues,” Horrible Prospects added. “After reading into the future what you’re writing here and writing backwards to now. I can honestly say all this will be solved instantly by honestly pretending an empty shelf in Brussels is honestly caused by exactly the same forces we are experiencing and Brexit is innocent.”

Having soothed everyone’s worries, even as the petrol queues continue, Horrible Prospects added one final layer of support to his boss, who just sounds ridiculous.

“The UK is in transition. That’s our catchphrase for a few days. After that is complete we can expect the economy to exceed levels last seen after the Romans left. It’s very exciting. They’re be some lovely pottery.”

ALL MOUTH AND NO TROUSERS: The government has solved the fuel supply crisis at a stroke. It is to build a chain of Nightingale petrol stations to absorb the demand. 

“This worked perfectly with Nightingale hospitals,” remarked Glib Solutions minister Kaye Ottic. “They bought us precious time Get Covid Done, and to think up another dead end story to throw the public off the scent.” 

There are plenty of unanswered questions. Who is going to staff these filing stations? Where is specialised equipment like fuel pumps coming from? And how is the fuel going to get there in the first place? 

“We know what we are doing,” lied Ottic. “In Brexit Britain we need to believe in better. The resourceful British public with their great British common sense will find a way. And remember, it would have been much worse under Corbyn. I don’t see the Labour Party coming up with any solutions, and in any case the EU is to blame for withholding their cheap labour, this is why Leaving was so essential. They just need to be reminded that they need us much more than we need them.”

That’s no sort of an answer. 

“I’ve responded fully, and you are beginning to sound unpatriotic,” snapped Ottic. “If you dare to question me again, then Priti Patel will investigate your family tree, and deport you because your auntie once went on holiday to Corsica.” 

That’s reassuring. Corsica is a lovely place. Sounds like win-win to me. So what are you going to do when cars pull up to your useless Nightingale petrol stations? Wave a flag at them? 

“Yes. Now remove this whingeing traitor from this country,” she growled to her goons. “They will put you in quarantine. Two weeks in an all-expenses paid hotel in Corsica, wearing a face mask. You won’t like that!” 

It is to be hoped that there is enough fuel to power the aeroplane. 

PANIC OVER : We all know that the public is easily bored of such mundane parts of everyday life like food and fuel, which is why the UK government is forever inventing new baubles and medals.

While it’s all very well for peers, nurses, care workers and royalty to get all the medals, what about the everyday man and woman in the street? How does he feel as he watches the knife fight by the pumps? He is bristling with resentment at the awareness a nurse who has so far survived the pandemic is paying her carparking fees with a badge and he’s got nothing?

Well, to help foster the spirt of national cohesion that will drive Brexit Britain forward, the government have come up with a wonderful solution.

“This is why we engineered a fuel panic buying crisis,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s definitely not because we’re just incredibly stupid. We’re actually magnificently malicious. But we’ll give you a bit of plastic you can pin on your shirt and feel proud about it.”

The badges themselves will say “PETROL” and will be distributed on all petrol forecourts so people can drive home believing they have filled up.

“Your tank will be bursting with pride once you pin on your PETROL badge,” the source tells LCD Views. “This is not just gesture politics. This is a meaningful gesture, especially as you’ll be paying for it.”

It’s hoped the quiet satisfaction the badges will imbue will help people hold out patiently while the remaining four soldiers the Tories have yet to cut from the Armed Forces come to you personally with a thimble of fuel.

Get your PETROL badge today and pin it on yourself with pride. Just be careful. Don’t try and eat it! Wait till next week when we start handing out FOOD badges at the supermarket!

FESTIVAL OF THE DAMNED : GREAT NEWS TODAY OUT OF 10 DOWNING STREET with the announcement that the day Home Office Secretary Priti Patel ENDED FREEDOM OF MOVEMENT FOR GOOD is to become a national holiday.

The new bank holiday has been nicknamed FUKTARD as that combines the elements of what the UK has done to itself and sounds a little bit like custard.

“The custard reference will bring to mind our world beating Prime Minister and the famous bin bag full of custard reference,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “And the FUK is pretty self evident. We think it’s a catchy name for what will be a vigorous annual festival of cannibalism, and if we’re lucky, a prelude to a full blown zombie apocalypse.”

It’s believed the timing of the announcement is a little suspicious though, coming as it does during the Labour Conference in Brighton.

“It’s not true that we’re trying to get Laura K’s attention back. She’s still doing her best work in Brighton,” the source dismissed. “Let us focus on the positives of Brexit. Namely being nasty to foreigners. This is why Freedom of Movement Ending is such a victory for the UK. And because they’re economically illiterate and think foreigners were to blame too, the Lexiters can help us celebrate. They must be worn out from all the years they spent demanding better pay and conditions for HGV drivers before Brexit. As it could have been done anytime during our membership. But all that is over now. So let’s burn some effigies of food with our last gallon of petrol and celebrate!”

To help people get in the mood for FUKTARD a warning klaxon will sound in the days leading up to it.

“Or that could just be Johnson simulating air raids as he’s run out of ideas to distract the public from his endless crisis in government,” the source explains. “We’re still nailing down the fine details of FUKTARD DAY, but you’re invited. Whether you like it or not. After all, the people have decided.”

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON appears currently to be missing in action as his country is overwhelmed by one crisis after another, caused by Boris Johnson. But a source inside 10 Downing Street says this is not so.

“Yes he is nowhere to be seen, that much is obvious,” acknowledges the Downing Street voice. “But that doesn’t mean he is idle. And he is not fitting out the emergency fridge with gold wallpaper, as some scurrilous reports suggest. He is hard at work in negotiations with the EU.”

The negotiations are said to revolve around the UK rejoining the Single Market on an “emergency basis” for three months. This will make saving Christmas easier and take care of other temporary teething problems being experienced by Brexit UK.

“The Home Secretary is supportive. She will get to round up and throw out EU workers again. It gets her giddy. Rishi Sunak has said ‘whatever man’ as he is currently having his hair styled for a Christmas calendar. The rest of the cabinet are also nodding along. That’s because they value staying in the cabinet above anything else. So it’s a cinch. We’re just going to explain to the EU they need us more than we need them and we’re back in.”

What the Commission thinks about this, or indeed EU member states individually is not important, because we’re British.

“We will need a bit of sleight of hand to pull it off though,” the source admits. “Most of the ongoing negotiations revolve around convincing the EU to rename the Single Market the Great British Single Market. This way we can pretend domestically that they have some asking us to rejoin. It’s pretty straight forward.”

And just in case you are wondering what Plan B is if this fails.

“This is no Plan B under the administration of Boris Johnson, or Major Crisis as we’ve nicknamed him indoors.”