BREXMAS IS COMING : DOWNING STREET is to continue with the fine tradition of spaffing millions up the wall of billboards with a public information campaign aimed at preparing Britons for the coming winter.
Rumours leaking out of 10 Downing Street suggest there was considerable debate over what the public information campaign should focus on, with a split in the cabinet between highlighting the best dishes to cook your neighbours with for high nutritional value, and a less alarmist focus on just eating your own pets.
“It’s vitally important for community cohesion that people just eat their own animals,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Neighbours are likely to turn on each other if the classic Sunday roast is the £1500 toy poodle from up the street and not your own rescue cat.”
A website is planned with recipe ideas for everything from small birds like finches and all the way up to large dogs like Great Danes.
“We would like to encourage people to club together during the colder months. Mostly each other’s pets of course. Maybe take turns and have each other over for dinner? Although if I were you I’d extend the first invite!”
The Prime Minister himself is said to favour also spending five hundred billion on a user friendly cooking app.
“You just put in the species you plan to cook over the chopped up sofa in your backyard and it will provide a range of recipes based on your geographical location. This is a key feature as different areas of the country have different herbs and weeds available for forage through winter.”
But critics on the opposition benches have hit back at the plan and said the focus is clearly discriminatory as not everyone has a yard. No less a placard crusader than a former leader of the official opposition is to do what he has done best for decades and hold a sign saying “What about people who live in flats?” before going shopping for a new tracksuit.
Mr Johnson is to end the campaign with the approach of spring in 2022 and promise everyone the possibility of “great new pets” in the future. Which perfectly fits his pattern of governance.