Category: The Irish Question

HE IS THE MESSIAH I SHOULD KNOW I’VE FOLLOWED A FEW : The people of the border lands on the Ireland of Island are sleeping more soundly today after 10 Downing Street solved the problem they’ve been causing Brexit.

“Brexit was at serious risk of choking to death on the Irish,” a Downing Street source said today, “more specifically the stubborn, some would say selfish, refusal of the Irish to go back to full paramilitary violence so English patriots in Kent don’t have to listen to plumbers talking in forrin. It’s a good thing Mr Johnson is in office.”

Under the plan, the finer details of which are still being costed, the British border for Northern Ireland will be placed in London.

“Camden and Islington will now be separated from Kensington by max fac technology. This will seamlessly solve the problem and now Brexit will triumph. And before anyone complains, only the Irish will be required to acknowledge their border in London.”

Of course critics have been quick to point out there will be an increase in costs now that farmers, couriers, people crossing the border between North and South for work daily, and the like have to detour to London in order to work in Ireland.

“We anticipate the increase in costs will be minimal. We’re also going to excavate large swathes of the Irish border in London and create peat bogs and lakes. Everyone will feel at home. To be honest, I’m a bit fed up with the intransigence of the Irish. Every plan we work up they nit pick. This must end now. We have solved their problem for them.”

Happily the DUP are said to have given cautious approval to the latest plan as it will mean no change in the constitutional status between Northern Ireland and the rest of the United Kingdom.

“Ms Foster has agreed to cut the ribbon at the opening of the first new Irish border post in Camden,” the source added, “and then Mr Johnson will personally shepherd a load of bulls through it.”

The bloody backstop. The fudge that got around the Irish border problem and would have permitted Brexit, do or die, without too many Troubles. Well it has to go, and Boris Johnson has produced his own little bit of magical thinking. He will sell the problem, island and all, to Donald Trump.

Oh yes, the sociopathic circus act in the White House has got the hump after Denmark laughed off his clumsy attempt to buy Greenland off them. Johnson is calculating that the fake-tanned fool will buy Ireland on the rebound instead.

“They love Ireland over there!” gibbered Johnson joyfully. “I should know, I was up Donald Trump’s neck of the woods, so to speak, not so long ago, the St Patrick’s Day parades are a spectacle not to be missed, I was at Eton with a lad called Patrick, he was away with the fairies, or should I say leprechauns!”

The spectre of The Troubles, and the insoluble paradox of an open border despite wanting closed borders, has forced Johnson into action. “The Conservative way is to sell your problems,” he claimed. “Loss-making industries? Run them down and flog ‘em. First years getting a bit lippy? Hunt them down and flog ‘em. Paddies getting agitated over a line on a map? I simply can’t be arsed any more, Trump can have ‘em!”

I suppose the money will come in handy, even if it means splitting off part of the United Kingdom. “Oh, no, you miscompostulate!” wibbled Johnson. “Only the EU part of the island is included in the sale. Donald has already promised to build a wall along the border, and make Ulster pay for it!”

We are guessing that he will use Irish labour in the construction. “How did you work that out?” asks Johnson, genuinely surprised. “Do you want a job in my government? You could lead the Department for Exiting The UK!”

Johnson is expected to sell Ireland and lease it back. For £350m a week.

The one person willing to ‘just get on with it’, Arlene Foster, has put forward her solution to the Irish border problem. Quite simply, she will construct a wall – and force Westminster to foot the bill.

In all other respects, Brexit and the no-deal preparations have stalled. It is as if the elephant in the room has got fed up and decided to sit down in the way for a while.

“This is my one big chance to make a mark,” remarked Foster candidly. “Because after this shambles nobody will elect any of us ever again. If elections are still a thing, that is. Since democracy ended on 23 June 2016, there might not be a need for any more.”

Taking a leaf from the Donald Trump playbook is one thing, but getting your own government to pay is different. “Yeah but no,” Arlene clarified. “It’s them and us. Northern Ireland is a special case. And anyway can you imagine Varadkar forking out? Feckin Irish tightwads.”

Who would actually build the wall? “Simple,” claims Foster. “There are thousands of filthy migrants in the UK, coming over here and showing us what hard work looks like. They could build it in no time at all, cash in hand, no questions asked. Afterwards we could stick them all in a big old boat and tell them to clear off back to the EU that they love so much.”

It’s gratifying that Foster actually has a plan, however ridiculous. It puts her head and shoulders over all the other Brexiters.

Critics from the Republic were swift to point out that a wall is, de facto, a hard border. They took their concerns directly to Foster. “Unfortunately I couldn’t understand a word they said,” she remarked sadly. “It sounded like a bunch of old men shouting ‘Drink! Girls! Arse! Feck!’ to me.”

The Westminster dog with the Irish tail was later seen sneaking into the secret room containing the magic money tree.

The magical thinkers expertly arranging a coherent departure, which protects everyones’ interests, from the European Union [author means May and co, apparently] for the united United Kingdom were dealt an unfair and entirely rational blow today when the European Union’s chief negotiator told them “No Irish border is better than a bad Irish border.”

“It’s not on,” said a piece of shit newspaper/tabloid red top wannabe posh rag rent a gob commentator pretending to be an objective communicator on matters of importance, but really serving vested interests in the neocon fascist spectrum.

“The EU has betrayed all Britons by not treating the Irish Border issue with the same casually dismissive, nostalgically imperialist, gammon faced, hambungling arrogant, back of fag packet effort as Downing Street.”

The reason for the outrage over the assault on magic is the rejection by the EU’s negotiators of all the half assed, wishful solutions put forward by Downing Street to avoid a hard border between the North of Ireland and the Republic of Ireland, post Brexit. Which threatens Downing Street with having to stick to the agreement about a backstop solution of NI remaining in the EU CU after Brexit.

They clearly can’t keep their word on that because two things will happen,

Firstly, Foster will lose her mind.

Secondly, any exception granted to NI out of economic and civil sanity will be demanded by the rest of the UK and thus, there endth the Brexit. Which we overwhelmingly still want as a cuntry, clearly.

“The Irish will buckle under and get in line,” the op ed zombie went on to explain, “they know the benefits of British exceptionalism when it orders them to do something.

My best advice to Downing Street is to double down on the divide and conquer strategy that’s been serving the UK so well.

Obviously the division and conquering has been of a personal nature and limited to the borders of the UK lately, but it’ll overspill into the EU if we just create enough unnecessary division and ill feeling. To turn back now would be sane. We don’t do sane anymore.”

Asked for comment about the total rejection of all of Downing Street’s stupid suggestions, a representative of the Taoiseach attempted to say something straight faced about “shoe being on the other foot” but instead just fell around laughing until we gave up and went to print.

The Road to Brexit has come up against a roadblock. The Road is certainly leaving the EU, although it is not obvious from which direction. Infuriatingly, a customs checkpoint is preventing free movement.

“This is yet another example of the pettifogging obstructions thrown up by the EU!” wibbled Boris Johnson. “How can we leave if the border is closed? It’s ridiculanimous! We will pass with eyes wide shut, and our fingers in our ears, going ‘la la la’!”

The Irish border is demanding clarification as to its very nature. “I cannot let you pass unless you decide whether I am to be hard, soft or non-existent,” the border commented. “I must therefore prevent your free passage until I know whether I should block you or not.”

Other ministers backed Mr Johnson. “I would have thought that the border itself was the very last person to decide which type of border it is,” said Michael Gove. “Who does it think it is? This sort of question should be determined from a safe distance, preferably in a bar in the House of Commons. If it cannot be resolved by alcohol, it needs to be urgently ignored.”

Iain Duncan Smith was briefly released from his regeneration alcove to pass comment. “Brexit is happening. Resistance is futile,” he droned. “We will assimilate anyone who dares to impede us!”

A less gnomic summary was provided by Jacob Rees-Mogg. “Pish! Tush! One can pass the border at any point we choose. This is typical of the sort of miniscule detail which is obstructing Brexit. And, as we all know, the devil is in the detail. So there.”

We tried to contact Theresa May. Unfortunately, she was hiding from the bullies in the toilet and refused to come out.

Meanwhile, at the customs point, was border guard Job Sworth. “I don’t care how big and red their bus is, nor what’s painted on the side,” declared Sworth. “If they don’t have the proper documentation, they ain’t passing!”

So there we have it. We need unity of customs to break the Customs Union, and freedom to pass to ensure that free passage comes to an end. That’s Brexit.

Negotiations have begun between Arlene Foster of the DUP and a company in the EU to build a seamless wall on the Northern Ireland border.

“We don’t want to say to much about this initiative,” said Foster, “as I am still trying to solve the wood pellet problem I caused last year.”

The estimate for the wood pellet overspend is rumoured to be approximately £500m. Foster is confident that she and the DUP can recoup these funds with the new wall.

“We want it to be as high as Trump’s Mexican wall. We don’t want those Irish speaking Mexicans coming up from Dublin to pollute our Presbyterian Protestant heritage,” she said.

Could you tell LCD Views how you plan to build a seamless wall so cheaply?

“We will call upon every family household who voted Brexit to help us, and if we run out, we can now make a call to Denmark for further help. We know that there are many many boxes of Lego going unused. Bricks of Lego stored in cupboards, in lofts and attics all across the country.”

“The DUP head office were contacted by a Mr O’Halloran of Portrush to say he had just stepped on another brick of ‘effing’ Lego for the ‘umpteenth effing’ time, and whilst hopping in pain, phoned us to offer all of his son’s Lego to the seamless wall project.”

But how will this wall be seamless, LCD Views asked.

“Can you spot the join once two Lego bricks are joined together?” asked Arlene. “We’ll make an enormous saving on cement and mortar and we can use the different brick colours to create a camouflage design to keep those hippy environmentalists happy.”

Children are grief stricken at the thought that the Lego version of The Millennium Falcon that took the whole of the Christmas week to build, are to be broken apart in order to build a wall on the island of Ireland.

“I don’t care if children cry,” Arlene reassured, “wait until they run into my wall. Then they damn well have something to cry about!”

It must be the knottiest of knotty problems. How is the UK is to leave the EU without disrupting the fragile peace in Ireland? How fortunate, then, that the solution to the problem has been discovered written on a beermat in Wetherspoons.

It turns out that there is a genius who drinks at ‘Spoons, but poses and solves problems for his own entertainment. This character has been nicknamed “Beermat”, since he writes down all his puzzles on the cardboard coasters commonly provided in pubs.

Beermat is an infuriating character. Slapdash in his approach, with a butterfly mind flitting from problem to problem, he has nevertheless made his mark on society. As well as his work on coasters, he tends to share his thoughts with one or two trusted accomplices over Messenger. Untangling these convoluted ideas is a tedious job, but well worth it to discover the many nuggets of pure thought.

A humble solicitor’s clerk by day, “Beermat” spends his evenings working his way steadily through a variety of problems (and pints). He also works his way through an alarming quantity of mats. These problems include scientific ideas, mathematical proofs and political expediency.

For example, “Beermat’s Principle” is well known. This calculates the shortest distance from Wetherspoons to home, taking in all the other pubs on the way.

Another well-known example is how to square the circle, popularly known as “Beermat’s Little Theorem”. This work is used constantly in modern-day politics.

When it comes to the Irish border, Beermat proposes an astonishing duality. In governmental circles, this is referred to as “Beermat’s Last Theorem” and is discussed in hushed voices. In Beermat’s own words: “The solution is simple. I call it the Brexit/not-Brexit Theorem. This means that Brexit both exists and simultaneously doesn’t exist at all points on the Irish border.” Flipping the card over reveals his most gnomic statement yet:

“I have discovered a truly remarkable demonstration of this Theorem, but the beermat is too small to contain it.”

Brexit Dad Figel Narage has vowed to find a simple solution to the Irish border problem. The Brexit evangelist believes that a combination of faith and pure force of personality will be sufficient.

Narage proudly pointed to his long years of experience as a father. “I have been sorting out disputes, successfully, between Figella and Figel junior for years,” he said. “A mere boundary dispute will be done and dusted in time for tea.”

Nonetheless, Narage has planned to take two days’ leave so that he can thoroughly assess the situation. “This is yet another hidden benefit of Brexit!” he burbled. “Before long, we will all be back to the three-day week and the four-day weekend!”

All talk of the difficulties inherent in Northern Ireland leaving the EU along with the rest of Great Britain, while the Republic remains, was brushed away. “We’ll sort it out like gentlemen,” declared Narage. “Agree what is to be done, shake hands on it. Simple. The Irish have always respected the superior abilities of the Englishman.”

Narage strenuously denied claims that large sums of money he doesn’t have will have to change hands in order for the deal to proceed.

Warming to his theme, he continued. “The Good Friday Agreement was a master stroke,” he said. “It leaves all options open. This means that the border can be hard on migration, and soft on trade. So we can carry on getting pissed on Guinness without drunken fecking Irishmen taking over our pubs on St Patrick’s Day.”

So, while Brexit Dad packed his assault rifle and balaclava into a camouflaged duffel bag, Mrs Narage, Krystyna, offered her insights. “Figel just shouts a lot,” she admitted. “Most, if not all, of the arguments between the kids were sorted by me. And it took a lot of skilful negotiation, let me tell you. Keeping the peace is a full-time job. Figel thinks a boundary is something to do with a good shot by a cricket player.”

Krystyna further revealed that the only borders Figel had any experience with were herbaceous.