HE IS THE MESSIAH I SHOULD KNOW I’VE FOLLOWED A FEW : The people of the border lands on the Ireland of Island are sleeping more soundly today after 10 Downing Street solved the problem they’ve been causing Brexit.
“Brexit was at serious risk of choking to death on the Irish,” a Downing Street source said today, “more specifically the stubborn, some would say selfish, refusal of the Irish to go back to full paramilitary violence so English patriots in Kent don’t have to listen to plumbers talking in forrin. It’s a good thing Mr Johnson is in office.”
Under the plan, the finer details of which are still being costed, the British border for Northern Ireland will be placed in London.
“Camden and Islington will now be separated from Kensington by max fac technology. This will seamlessly solve the problem and now Brexit will triumph. And before anyone complains, only the Irish will be required to acknowledge their border in London.”
Of course critics have been quick to point out there will be an increase in costs now that farmers, couriers, people crossing the border between North and South for work daily, and the like have to detour to London in order to work in Ireland.
“We anticipate the increase in costs will be minimal. We’re also going to excavate large swathes of the Irish border in London and create peat bogs and lakes. Everyone will feel at home. To be honest, I’m a bit fed up with the intransigence of the Irish. Every plan we work up they nit pick. This must end now. We have solved their problem for them.”
Happily the DUP are said to have given cautious approval to the latest plan as it will mean no change in the constitutional status between Northern Ireland and the rest of the United Kingdom.
“Ms Foster has agreed to cut the ribbon at the opening of the first new Irish border post in Camden,” the source added, “and then Mr Johnson will personally shepherd a load of bulls through it.”