Brexit Dad Figel Narage has vowed to find a simple solution to the Irish border problem. The Brexit evangelist believes that a combination of faith and pure force of personality will be sufficient.
Narage proudly pointed to his long years of experience as a father. “I have been sorting out disputes, successfully, between Figella and Figel junior for years,” he said. “A mere boundary dispute will be done and dusted in time for tea.”
Nonetheless, Narage has planned to take two days’ leave so that he can thoroughly assess the situation. “This is yet another hidden benefit of Brexit!” he burbled. “Before long, we will all be back to the three-day week and the four-day weekend!”
All talk of the difficulties inherent in Northern Ireland leaving the EU along with the rest of Great Britain, while the Republic remains, was brushed away. “We’ll sort it out like gentlemen,” declared Narage. “Agree what is to be done, shake hands on it. Simple. The Irish have always respected the superior abilities of the Englishman.”
Narage strenuously denied claims that large sums of money he doesn’t have will have to change hands in order for the deal to proceed.
Warming to his theme, he continued. “The Good Friday Agreement was a master stroke,” he said. “It leaves all options open. This means that the border can be hard on migration, and soft on trade. So we can carry on getting pissed on Guinness without drunken fecking Irishmen taking over our pubs on St Patrick’s Day.”
So, while Brexit Dad packed his assault rifle and balaclava into a camouflaged duffel bag, Mrs Narage, Krystyna, offered her insights. “Figel just shouts a lot,” she admitted. “Most, if not all, of the arguments between the kids were sorted by me. And it took a lot of skilful negotiation, let me tell you. Keeping the peace is a full-time job. Figel thinks a boundary is something to do with a good shot by a cricket player.”
Krystyna further revealed that the only borders Figel had any experience with were herbaceous.