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PM admits he dresses in hi vis to be mistaken for an essential worker and not whatever he is

WHAT AM I : The fat boy of British politics has detonated one of his trade secrets today in a revealing interview with Sloth, the lifestyle magazine of the terminally lazy.

Speaking from a desk he made himself out of empty wine crates he emptied himself, the U.K. Prime Minister let a big dead cat out of a big bag of big dead cats.

“I take this bag with me everywhere I go,” he grinned, hair tousled roguishly as he prepares to plunge millions more into working poverty.

“You need a dead cat each and every day. Mind you there’s so many zombie cats running around Westminster now even I don’t know which is supposed to be a distraction from some avoidable screw up caused by my lazy and neglectful approach to governance and what is a result of my appalling inability to do my job.”

The interviewee paused for several seconds to stare disarmingly into a future full of promise.

“But shall I tell you a bona fide trade secret?” he asked. “One of the cards I keep up my crumpled sleeve and put right back up there each time I use it?”

Yes please.

“You know how I appear to have a fetish for low class attire? It’s not just a gimmick I seriously get off on wearing poor man’s clobber. It makes me feel powerful. I mock them and they think I am trying to be one of them. Ha! What idiots. It’s a great lark.”

Continue.

“But there’s also a hidden motivation that no one seems to realise,” he said enthusiastically. “Essential workers wear hi vis. That’s one of the reasons I do it. I’m bloody desperate to be mistaken for an essential worker and not the walking, bumbling calamity I so obviously am. Totally inessential. I know it. You know it. It’s hilarious.”

Well.

“Now? Who’s up for a swim? Throw a bit of red meat to the press core to distract from the pandemic, Brexit, Afghanistan, Universal Credit, every single thing I let Priti do and who pays for my wallpaper! Huzzah!”

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Dominic Raab strikes deal with Taliban to move Trident base to Kabul

BRAIN OF BRITAIN : Human bin-fire Dominic Rabid Raab has made good use of the Prime Minister’s holiday lifestyle to make important changes to the UK’s security arrangements.

“The deputy prime minister has stepped up to the plate to secure the U.K. after everyone else failed us so terribly over Afghanistan, while he was on Crete,” a throbbing vein on Mr Raab’s temple told LCD Views. “I can’t believe how incompetent everyone is. How workshy. How clueless. Dom is livid. Which is actually a healthy colour for gammon.”

The action taken by the Foreign Secretary regards the future of the U.K. as a nuclear armed power.

“Dom read that report that says Scotland is now independent,” the vein explains, “which was a total shock as he had only recently appreciated that Scotland was in a Union with England and some other place. Apparently they’ve left because we didn’t do Brexit properly and they feel robbed. That’s what Dom thinks. And then he saw that the French and Nicola Sturgeon were planning to steal Trident and sell it to the Americans so he’s acted decisively and swiftly.”

The action is said to involve former adversaries of the U.K. who the Johnson government now believe are potentially reliable partners. This is because to take any other line would be to admit to a gross dereliction of duty and honour by the U.K. government.

“The Taliban readily agreed to give the Trident submarines a safe harbour in their inland ocean west of Kabul,” the vein throbs. “We just need to give them twenty four hours notice when we want to fire the nukes and our seat on the UN Security Council is safe too. Dom is proud. He’s even let them keep the portrait of Queen Elizabeth as a token of thanks.”

But there’s more.

“He’s also arranged for Liz Truss to send them some cheese,” the vein swoons. “It’s the beginning of a very special relationship. Which is great because we need a new one after some idiot ruined the last one.”

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EXCLUSIVE: Boris Johnson took his dressing up box on holiday so he can continue working

A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY: Puffed up, dressed up, lightweight. No, not the latest set of candidates on Strictly or The X Factor, but the (alleged) Prime Minister. So keen was he to appear to be working while on a much undeserved break that he took his World Beating dressing up box with him. 

In a Worldwide Exclusive, LCD Views can reveal the depth of thought that went into this harebrained idea. This depth is so deeply profound that it must be measured in microns. 

This scoop was obtained, not by wielding a huge sum of money, but by default. All of the mainstream press were desperate to point out how hard Johnson is supposed to be working. But none of them wanted to admit that it’s all an act. 

Today, since the public eye is on Dominic Raab and his refusal to disclose the date he went on holiday, Johnson can relax and pretend to be a tubby middle aged man on holiday. His work done, he may then resume actually being a tubby middle aged man on holiday for the rest of the day. 

But tomorrow, who knows? Executive Holiday Consultant Heidi High had some inside information. 

“I help Boris with his packing,” she revealed. “I mean, I have a friend who helps him. Possibly she helps him in other respects too, I couldn’t possibly comment, but I do know which items went into the dressing up box.” 

Do tell! 

“There’s a hi viz jacket in every conceivable colour,” she said. “And hundreds of hard hats. A butcher’s apron and a string of sausages. A collection of lab coats. Several dozen Union Jacks. Scrubs and a stethoscope. A mop and bucket. There’s loads of it!” 

The only outfit missing seems to be something appropriate for a Minister of State. Instead of dressing up, he should be getting a dressing down. 

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“Food and beer supply crisis resolves hospitality industry staff crisis” – UK Gov

BOTTOMS UP : Several minor problems are to be crossed off the UK’s to-do list this week now that the beer supply crisis has finally arrived.

There were concerns that the German Automotive Sector would have to be blamed for the staffing issues in the UK’s world leading hospitality sector, but thankfully the supply chain crisis has intervened to spare their blushes.

Wetherspoons is the first to feel the burn of a loss of beer with the karma police arresting Tim Martin late last night. Other prominent, private sector Brexiters will presumably follow in what has been reported as the worst case of “joint enterprise” seen in the UK for a very long time.

Downing Street is upbeat over the beer shortage, confident that so long as the majority of the UK media continue to spin and support Mr Johnson the polling will hold steady. Further encouragement is taken from the official opposition’s vow of silence on Brexit at the leadership level, because validating Brexit worked out even better for former leader Jeremy Corbyn, than agreeing for the need for austerity worked out for the leader before him. Worked out for the Tories that is. The inability to understand the need to tackle the incumbents on highly contentious issues does help explain why Labour has only been in power for 20 of the last 100 years. Steady as she goes. The face eating leopard party thanks you for your political naivety.

“Workers in the hospitality industry were in short supply and high demand,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Happily now there is no food and no drink to serve to patrons, so the businesses can close and the workers go and train to be HGV drivers. This shows you how we will easily navigate Brexit. Much in the way of a debt junky using new credit cards to pay off old with the amount borrowed rapidly increasing to unsustainable levels and bankruptcy.”

The public are reassured though that there is currently no risk to the supply of food and drink at the Palace of Westminster and their elective representatives will be able to access subsidised, high quality food and alcohol even while their catastrophic failures see them enjoying summer holidays abroad.

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BREAKING : Dido Harding to help Wetherspoons boss Tim Martin track and trace beer supplies

KARMA POLICE : Catastrophic scenes across the United Kingdom this week as the tyrannical EU takes aim at the beating heart of Brexit cultural life by throttling beer supplies to Wetherspoons.

It’s not entirely clear why Tim Martin ever supported Brexit, given his business model, with the only viable working hypothesis being he figured it would allow the Tories to crush workers’ rights and corporate tax rates. Which is an understandable motivation of course and the rest of us can go to Hell. The personal blowback on Mr Martin won’t have been factored in, but then no one would have thought the EU would be so intractable regarding legal arrangements, given they need us more than we need them.

There is an understandable argument to bring the army in to secure beer supplies for the Brexit churches, but that alone may not be enough to stabilise the situation, given there’s not enough army after 11 years of thick as two planks Tory austerity.

“An expert in finding anything you like is called for,” a representative for Wetherspoons told LCD Views. “This is why we are seeking the assistance of Dido Harding. She famously ensured the pandemic in the U.K. was only the worst on Earth. She can find the beer.”

The budget for the stale ale track and trace system will be publicly funded, as using taxpayer cash to reward political allies is par for course for Johnson’s government.

“Whatever happens with beer supplies you can be guaranteed the involvement of Harding will ensure public cash ends up in the right coffers,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “Mr Martin has one full support over this crisis no one could ever have foreseen.”

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BREAKING : Johnson to be crowned King while on holiday – Queen to become deputy

ROYAL SEAL CLAPPING : Queen Elizabeth II is set to be relieved of the range of duties she’s clearly too elderly or too disinterested to perform after Prime Minister Boris Johnson is crowned King in Somerset this week.

The decision to hold a coronation for the Prime Minister is said to be a “mere formality” to formalise the changes to the way the UK is governed, thanks to Brexit. Whether or not Mrs Johnson will also be crowned is a matter of intense debate within Downing Street, with rumours saying King Johnson is resisting the move because he doesn’t yet have a slogan ready to completely remove the aged monarch from the constitutional power structure.

The ceremony itself will draw on the deep and rich history of modern Britain with the prime minister being crowned and anointed while sitting in the cockpit of a Spitfire. The spitfire itself will be hung with hi vis Union Flag bunting for the event and a ring of Tory MPs run around it in a circle making machine gun noises.

“The coronation puts paid to the pathetic discussion over how much actual work the Prime Minister will do during his four day working holiday,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “The Prime Minister will have to sit still for several minutes while the holy oils are applied and anyone who knows the spoiled brat of British politics knows that’s work enough for a whole week.”

A lavish banquet will be held after the coronation with the army being brought in to ensure the supplies of champagne and caviar are not intercepted by the “marauding hordes of peasants rioting over food”.

While the holiday itself was a strong enough message to send to the nation that Mr Johnson sees himself as a sovereign and not an elected representative, the actual wearing of a crown will make the reality clear to anyone who hasn’t yet noticed.

After the coronation the new King will take a holiday to prepare himself to holiday when the next entirely foreseeable crisis strikes his kingdom.

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State schools told to prepare for food shortages so Eton doesn’t have to

KEEP ‘EM HUNGRY KEEP ‘EM KEEN : The United Kingdom is a world leader in both the food bank and free school meals sector. Few industrialised countries that aren’t the USA prepare their underprivileged youth with such vigour for the dog eat dog world of reduced employment rights and job insecurity.

Thanks to the sensible, self-imposed limitations of Brexit the U.K. is set to ramp up the way it prepares poorer children for endless Tory rule. Food supplies are in crisis and the crisis needs to be digested by the right people in the right institutions.

“Feed Your Betters is a new campaign we’re launching in all schools,” a Department of Education spokesman told LCD Views. “Poor children will be asked to skip meals to ensure that their more intelligently born contemporaries have their nutritional needs met so they physically develop properly in order to go on to govern their lessers.”

The scheme will involve coordination across government departments with the Home Office assisting the Education Secretary, while the Chancellor ensures the purse strings are loose enough so that no one actually perishes from hunger fast, but tight enough to ensure low born are thinking about food more than their lessons.

“The Food Enforcement Police will intercept and divert lorries full of fresh produce from their intended destinations of state schools full of shabby never do wells and divert the food to Eton, Harrow, Basket, Hive and other vital institutions to guarantee the future of strong and stable governance in the United Kingdom.”

But it won’t all be one way traffic. The born to rule youngsters will daily select one bread roll which will be returned to a state school chosen by lottery. The bread roll will have several weevils inserted prior to return to make sure it includes the right level of protein to meet new means tested guidance.

“A live stream will broadcast the poor children fighting in a ring over the bread roll with the victor receiving a standing ovation over zoom from the better kids. Just imagine your pride when your bruised and battered offspring hold the bloodied roll, or what is left of it, up to the webcam.”

There were thoughts of having the posh kids actually visit to watch the bread brawling in person but this has been put on hold for the time being.

The Education Department explained why.

“Do you want several future prime ministers exposed to that nasty cold which is out of control in state schools all at once? You don’t want to risk the next Cameron or Johnson getting an illness that might cause chronic conditions in their childhood. That’s an advantage squarely pegged for the deserving poor.”

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BREAKING : Food to become new must have status symbol thanks to Brexit!

TASTING THE BENEFITS OF BREXIT : It’s with surprise that esteemed parliamentarian Jacob Rees-mogg’s prediction that food and clothing would become significantly cheaper post Brexit is wrong. The shockwaves are reverberating.

The surprise is doubled given the reputation for accuracy Brexiters have. They are essentially all superforecasters and not deceitful shitebergs who only showed the tip of their shiteberginess during the years leading up to the UK freeing itself from Brussels.

But while food shortages and price hikes will now become normal it’s not all bad. There are tangible benefits to be tasted.

“Food is to become a must have luxury symbol,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “Something we’re all very proud of. Imagine one of your political donors buying you the edible equivalent of a new Ferrari each and every day? People will be sooooo jealous.”

Of course the reinvention of food as a luxury commodity is already secure for millions of British men, women and children.

“We’ve been striving tirelessly since 2010 to make food something with a certain cache. The massive growth in the food bank sector is proof of the strides we’ve taken. This is why so many Tory MPs proudly do photo shoots at food banks. Celebrate your achievements. Publicise them. Thanks to Brexit we can extend these wins to cover the mass of people on our island.”

People will be encouraged to strive for food like never before as Brexit teething problems become the new normal.

“Just imagine the jealously your family and friends, neighbours and work mates will have to conceal when they see you having lunch? Once you would have had to get a massive house and a sports car, but because of Brexit all you will soon need to do is go grocery shopping.”

Brexit, if it were edible, you’d choke on it.

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Boris Johnson cuts short holiday to take a vacation

LIFE’S A BEACH: Under pressure PM Boris Johnson has been forced by circumstances to cut short his holiday. This is due to pressure from a Tory donor richer and more powerful than the one funding his current jolly. 

Johnson, as we all know so well, is a man of principle. His principal principle is to chase the largest benefit available to himself. So he is cutting short his £40,000 holiday to take up the offer of an £80,000 vacation. 

The Nolan Principles and the Ministerial Code have been officially consigned to history. They are so out of date and frankly socialist. Instead Parliament is now obliged to adhere to the Rule of Boris. This states that the primary and overriding obligation of an MP is to to push their snout into more and deeper troughs. 

The mystique of Mustique are so old hat. This is a golden opportunity for wealthy vultures seeking favours. While there is a Prime Minister so self serving and bribeable as Johnson, rich men will fall over themselves to do him favours, in the expectation that bigger favours will flow their way. This is a world in which an investment in an £80,000 holiday will result in enormous opportunities. For example, the sole right to sell health insurance to the public so they may access the soon-to-be privatised NHS. 

Here, at last, is one of the promised Brexit Opportunities! The only criteria to access these Opportunities are being wealthy, being well connected, and possessing absolutely no morals whatsoever. 

Ultimately, the PM and indeed the entire cabinet will be being paid handsomely to be on holiday 52 weeks of the year. And who will step into the void? Who cares, things will sort themselves out in time. We Are British. We will muddle through. What does it matter if the plague-ridden plebs slowly starve to death? 

Follow the money. Boris Johnson always does. 

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Parliament provides link to ongoing Commons debate over daily pandemic death toll

THEY ALL FLOAT DOWN HERE : The House of Commons has “bowed to media pressure” and will be providing the daily, live link to the ceaseless debate in the Commons over the “level of citizens it’s acceptable to lose to an infectious disease that can be controlled with basic measures”.

Pressure on 10 Downing Street to televise the hours of detailed, sober and scientifically based discussion over strategies for minimalising the spread of the lethal virus has been growing within the Conservative Parliamentary Party and from the Official Opposition.

“We didn’t just have some endless culture war over masks and then pursue herd immunity via natural infection, regardless of the avoidable loss, because we’ve all got private health care,” one Tory MP told LCD Views.

“We need to calibrate the response to the disease to ensure the right balance between personal freedoms and eradicating those in our communities in time for Priti Patel to try half of you for thought crime. To do anything else would be like some bargain basement autocracy that doesn’t care if ordinary people die avoidably, so long as those who survive can be gas lit into continuing to support the supreme leader, and indulge his craven need to feel powerful. In fact to do anything else would be to open yourself up to the accusation you’re an irresponsible government, internationally irresponsible with it, and the plebs just got lucky the boffins came up with those jabs in time or you’d all be having us go medieval on your arse.”

The livestream will be shown on terrestrial TV as well as digital channels to ensure maximum accessibility.

“My golly goodness!” the MP added, “can you imagine the loss daily to families if we’d just become used to old Boris ruling like a tyrant with powers he’s completely unsuitable to hold because we had to get Brexit done? It’d be carnage.”