BRAIN OF BRITAIN : Human bin-fire Dominic Rabid Raab has made good use of the Prime Minister’s holiday lifestyle to make important changes to the UK’s security arrangements.
“The deputy prime minister has stepped up to the plate to secure the U.K. after everyone else failed us so terribly over Afghanistan, while he was on Crete,” a throbbing vein on Mr Raab’s temple told LCD Views. “I can’t believe how incompetent everyone is. How workshy. How clueless. Dom is livid. Which is actually a healthy colour for gammon.”
The action taken by the Foreign Secretary regards the future of the U.K. as a nuclear armed power.
“Dom read that report that says Scotland is now independent,” the vein explains, “which was a total shock as he had only recently appreciated that Scotland was in a Union with England and some other place. Apparently they’ve left because we didn’t do Brexit properly and they feel robbed. That’s what Dom thinks. And then he saw that the French and Nicola Sturgeon were planning to steal Trident and sell it to the Americans so he’s acted decisively and swiftly.”
The action is said to involve former adversaries of the U.K. who the Johnson government now believe are potentially reliable partners. This is because to take any other line would be to admit to a gross dereliction of duty and honour by the U.K. government.
“The Taliban readily agreed to give the Trident submarines a safe harbour in their inland ocean west of Kabul,” the vein throbs. “We just need to give them twenty four hours notice when we want to fire the nukes and our seat on the UN Security Council is safe too. Dom is proud. He’s even let them keep the portrait of Queen Elizabeth as a token of thanks.”
But there’s more.
“He’s also arranged for Liz Truss to send them some cheese,” the vein swoons. “It’s the beginning of a very special relationship. Which is great because we need a new one after some idiot ruined the last one.”