A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY: Puffed up, dressed up, lightweight. No, not the latest set of candidates on Strictly or The X Factor, but the (alleged) Prime Minister. So keen was he to appear to be working while on a much undeserved break that he took his World Beating dressing up box with him.
In a Worldwide Exclusive, LCD Views can reveal the depth of thought that went into this harebrained idea. This depth is so deeply profound that it must be measured in microns.
This scoop was obtained, not by wielding a huge sum of money, but by default. All of the mainstream press were desperate to point out how hard Johnson is supposed to be working. But none of them wanted to admit that it’s all an act.
Today, since the public eye is on Dominic Raab and his refusal to disclose the date he went on holiday, Johnson can relax and pretend to be a tubby middle aged man on holiday. His work done, he may then resume actually being a tubby middle aged man on holiday for the rest of the day.
But tomorrow, who knows? Executive Holiday Consultant Heidi High had some inside information.
“I help Boris with his packing,” she revealed. “I mean, I have a friend who helps him. Possibly she helps him in other respects too, I couldn’t possibly comment, but I do know which items went into the dressing up box.”
Do tell!
“There’s a hi viz jacket in every conceivable colour,” she said. “And hundreds of hard hats. A butcher’s apron and a string of sausages. A collection of lab coats. Several dozen Union Jacks. Scrubs and a stethoscope. A mop and bucket. There’s loads of it!”
The only outfit missing seems to be something appropriate for a Minister of State. Instead of dressing up, he should be getting a dressing down.