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Discharging sewage into ocean revealed as Priti Patel’s new plan to stop Channel crossings

WELCOME TO HELL : Big hearted Home Secretary Priti Patel is stopping at nothing to ensure everyone knows the United Kingdom is now too toxic to seek refuge in. It is not enough to take policy leads from an ageing fascist standing on a beach shouting at waves, we really need to advertise to the world that Brexit Britain is a hell hole if we want to discourage people from fleeing airdrops of British munitions.

“British poo on British beaches is the perfect next step,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “The Home Secretary herself is said to be planning to lay one in a water treatment plant and have it flushed straight out into the English Channel. There will be a BBC reporter covering the event and following excitedly as Nigel Farage scours the beach to stick a Union Flag in it. It’s going to showcase Brexit Britain to the world like never before.”

Whether or not the plan to ring the UK with floating turds will be successful in convincing the bloody French to keep refugees in bloody France remains to be seen, but it will at least mark a great shift away from the red tape that is throttling economic activity in the health obsessed EU.

“Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander will be standing on the prow of his tug boat and peeing into the Channel too,” the HO source confirms. “We’re stopping at nothing to give Brexit Britain the deserved reputation of a really shit place that no one wants to visit. And importantly, none one can escape from. Unless they’re forrin of course.”

Celebrate today by laying one on the sandy shore of your choice. And watch the British waves carry it just out to sea before bringing it back again the Brexit way.

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“NI rise closes tax loophole which allows poor people to overeat” – Downing Street

PENNY PINCHING PHILANDERER : Aren’t we all happy today to know that the nanny state has cast its stern eye over the children of the nation and decided to get them in shape.

“Any GP will tell you losing weight is not just about exercise, you also have to watch what you eat,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Which is why we’re making the overweight, slovenly, work shy British worker poorer. Less money for food. Less flab. More money for the private sector contracted to provide social care services. It’s a win win. We should be thanked.”

And thanked Downing Street will be for the speed with which it has pivoted from generous state supporting (some of) the people through a bungled response to a pandemic and over to reverse Robin Hood tax rises.

“It’s great,” one lucky voter told LCD Views. “The 10% increase in my NI contributions? That’s fantastic. Being treated like I have see you next Tuesday written on my forehead by Tories? It brings me back a sense of normality. The furlough scheme had me all unbalanced. But robbing me blind? Pushing me into food poverty, even though I work? Boris Johnson doing that says the universe has regained its balance. They should raise VAT while they’re at it. Except on luxury goods.”

Less money for food is also expected to lead to greater productivity for British business.

“People were always bunking off to eat a snack before the NI rise,” one Tory MP who knows fuck all told LCD Views. “Now with less money to spend on food there’ll be less hiding in the toilets to eat a sugary treat.”

As for the wealthy who will be largely unaffected by the proposed tax rises?

“It’s wrong to say they’re laughing all the way to the bank,” the MP added. “It’s all done by wire transfers these days. You can make tens of billions disappear from the public purse at the push of a button.”

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Downing Street : “Pay rises for truckers will trickle down into economy and offset tax rises”

BILLIONAIRES MARKED SAFE : After days of fevered speculation over how the billions that have been wasted on Track & Trace and dodgy PPE will be paid for an anxious public got their answer. The poorest will pay of course. It’s a Tory government, what else did you expect?

The news was greeted in classic style by the forelock tugging populace too. With Mr Johnson reassured he’s sitting pretty no matter how much he puts the boot into the working classes. It’s reported there were even jubilant scenes and spontaneous street parties as the public heard the news their NI contributions were going up.

“There was bunting. People were doing congas and swinging each other around too. It was mental. Everyone is just so happy that in spite of over 150K dead in the pandemic, including health and social care workers, inheritance wealth isn’t going to be affected. It can just keep on accumulating itself feeding off the masses. Hear that! Ha! There goes another cork of English sparkling wine popping! Boris Johnson has kept his promises to his donors. And they say he can’t be trusted?” one reveller told LCD Views.

But in spite of the joy on the pavements there was also some boring factual information about how hiking the tax on the poorest paid by over 10% to pay for the NHS will impact the broader economy.

“It may take some money out of the economy and funnel it into tax havens,” a Treasury spokesman admitted. “But whatever is lost to the Caymans will be more than offset by the increased wealth of truckers trickling down into the general economy. When you consider how we’ve loosened the requirements for Class One licences, I suspect the nurses may feel a short term pinch in their pockets, before boom times on the motorways will see them sitting pretty.”

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Nurses to “cash in claps” by PM to cover NI cash grab

APPALLED : It’s lucky clapping for NHS workers is free. It’s not going to cost hard pressed Tory MPs hardly a penny to cover the National Insurance rise being levied by the PM to pay for social care.

We all remember the heady days of the first lockdown when the Prime Minister led the applause for key workers from the doorstep of 10 Downing Street. He’s famous for not being into gesture politics which made the gesture all the more meaningful. Even more so when you consider the hundreds of health workers and support staff that have perished in the pandemic.

But now it’s crunch time. The pandemic has been wished away and forgotten about. Brexit is done, bar the teeth problems and it’s time for the Prime Minister to reveal his social care plan.

“Most of us just assumed it was the virus,” one backbench Tory MP told LCD Views. “I was a bit gobsmacked to learn it wasn’t just letting the virus rip, but we are actually going to pretend to do something about it. Still, I suppose there are plenty of party donors in the care sector?”

Of course anything worth having is worth paying for and that’s where the UK’s millionaires and billionaires most definitely don’t come in to the social care sector. Except, presumably, to profit off it by funnelling away some of that tasty NI rise.

“Of course the people who are never happy are saying the NI rise is unfair and will impact lower paid people more,” the MP muses. “I don’t see what all the fuss is about? Nurses banked millions of Tory MP claps during the first lockdown. Now they can just withdraw them from the bank to pay the NI rise. No one who is wealthy will be made poorer, and that’s the important point.”

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Downing Street appeals for public help to rename “lockdowns” before October lockdown

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME : Schools back and so is the virus, which never went away anyway, mostly because your Prime Minister just does not care who lives or dies. But the return of school means the return of the strong potential for another lockdown.

“The boss will have to save Christmas,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Even if we have no turkeys, we have no beer, we have no chickens, we have no food at all, we still need to be able to visit each other at Christmas. Boris Johnson will save Christmas. And if that means a lockdown around the October half term than so be it. The only issue is how to sell it to the insane gaggle of sociopaths he’s empowered to get himself into power?”

To attempt to get past that hurdle the PM is going to canvas the public.

“He wants the great British public to choose a new word for lockdowns. Any word will do. This way he can go to the swivel eyed, chauffeur driven lunatics in the Tory parliamentary party and say look, the people have decided! That was a good enough bit of disingenuous bollocks to destroy the fishing and farming industries, it should serve to flatten the autumn curve.”

It’s clear the PM deserves broad and generous praise for his forward planning and willingness to “tackle the tough issues”. Such as how to convince the public it’s alright that hundreds of them are avoidably dying daily because the ERG won’t stand for anything that prevents it.

There are one or two voices of concern though. Some are saying that the way the mass spreading event that is Williamson and schools operates the lockdown will be weeks before the end of October.

But for his part, famous pig fancier David Cameron suggests Johnson should hold a referendum and “Settle the politically doable, avoidable death rate for a generation”.

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Boris Johnson says people can pay for social care with money they’re saving on groceries

EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS : The United Kingdom’s King Boris Johnson was elected on a promise to Get Brexit Done and solve the social care promise.

The second promise was clearly a load of horse shit tacked onto his campaigning to broaden his offer from just Brexit, which of course no one with half a brain would have done.

“It’s a bit tricky now,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’ve a man with half a brain trying to solve the social care crisis and fully 3/4’s of that half a brain has previously been devoted to conducted extramarital affairs. I’m not sure he’s up to it.”

The major obstacle is how to make the poor pay more so the money can be funnelled into tax havens, but convince them it’s all fair?

“We are thinking about getting a bus and painting it with a number that out of context looks large. Then we can just drive it around the country. It worked before. Maybe it’ll work now.”

There’s additional confusion due to the ongoing pandemic.

“It’s clear the mismanagement of the pandemic along the lines of eugenics has reduced the social care burden considerably,” the source muses. “However it’s a Johnson strategy so it’s incredibly short term. What it if creates a lot of chronic illness which exacerbated the social care crisis? We’re not smart enough to work this out.”

There’s also the conundrum of how to take everyone’s equity off them, which is stored in home ownership, and give it to wealthy Tories, but still have people believe the housing market is the store of aspiration in the country.

“Why bother spending your entire life in debt up to your eyeballs if you’re just going to have to cash in that asset so your kids can use the liquidity to pay some private firm to wipe your parents bums? Still, maybe we’ll get lucky and no one will notice?”

The most likely way out seems to be to link two crises together.

“People should be grateful really,” the source adds. “They’re saving a lot on groceries now thanks to Brexit emptying the shelves. They should be saving those savings towards their care in old age, while continuing to pay National Insurance. It’s either that or tax the super rich and no sane Tory who likes a steady stream of political donations is going to do that!”

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We won’t be bossed about by unelected bureaucrats, Lord Frost warns Brussels

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN AND THEIR VOICE MUST BE HEARD: Democracy is all, Lord Frost says. The British refuse to be ordered about by unelected Brussels bureaucrats on principle. Instead, Brussels must listen to unelected London bureaucrats. 

This is simply the way things are, Frost chides. The UK is a meritocracy, where the creme de la creme float naturally to the top. This cream is harvested, and stored in perpetuity in the House of Lords. 

However, Brussels has no such tradition, he states. Nations naturally tend to war with each other, over trifles such as Poland. To run the same system in the EU as in the UK risks elevating a bunch of warmongering contrarians to the highest office. 

The solution is easy, he claims, as Brexiters always do. Brussels must accept and respect British sovereignty. They must acknowledge the UK’s right to leave the EU, based on a corrupt referendum, in which just enough people voted the way they were told to. Brexit is democratic, therefore Brexiters are democrats, and therefore it is irrelevant that our bureaucrats are Lords. The sooner that Brussels accepts that we are right, the sooner we may make progress. 

“It’s a watertight argument,” explains constitutional advisor Connor Lotafolk. “We are reasonable people. The minute Brussels holds democratic elections for every single person who works for the EU, instead of appointing so-called experts, we can start to make progress. Their team must truly represent their people!” 

Lotafolk was puzzled when asked how the unelected Lord Frost truly represents the people. The look on his face resembled that on Dominic Raab’s face when he is confronted with a geography exam. 

“He’s English!” said Lotafolk finally. “He’s English, and an Englishman’s word is his bond. That’s enough for me, and it should be more than enough for Johnny Foreigner!” 

And if that doesn’t have Brussels quaking in their boots, I don’t know what will. 

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Downing Street to demand “EU returns UK’s veto over EU rules” to solve HGV crisis

FEET OF CLAY : DOWNING STREET has the solution to the problems plaguing post-Brexit Britain and it is going to enact it.

The watershed moment came during a drinking session at Chequers yesterday, where the Prime Minister is said to have gone to recover from his latest holiday. The event started out as an innocent time “getting lathered before lunch” as standard but took a serious turn when the risk to turkeys this Christmas was mentioned.

“The Prime Minister himself nailed it,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He realised that all the problems causing Brexit to baulk where a result of overweening EU red tape. Before Brexit we had a powerful, even leading voice in Europe and could have done something about it. The nuclear option being our veto. But the EU tricked us into giving up the veto so it could get Brexit done. He’s going to call them out on it.”

Once the veto is returned it will allow Mr Johnson to cease “boring himself silly thinking about reading up on how the EU works” and just solve all the problems at a stroke.

“We’re going to call it Operation Gordian Knot. This is mostly for the classical reference but also because of the speed with which the problems of lack of workers and failing crops will be solved. The PM will just cut right through all the nonsense. He’ll be able to bring the same complete disregard for legal agreements to the functioning of the EU and third parties.”

The return of the UK’s veto over EU will also “drag the EU” back to the reality of the relative power of the half a billion people that comprise it and the mighty British lion.

“The EU will come to heel,” the source adds. “It’s only a matter of time. The veto will be returned giving us the exact same benefits as membership, but without any of the tiresome responsibilities. After all, they need us more than we need them.”

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Downing Street – “now is not the time” to talk about Windfall Tax on PPE contract profits

BROKEN BRITAIN BREAKING : 10 Downing Street has joined forces with its natural allies in the Exchequer today to refute calls for a Windfall Tax on PPE contract profits.

The call to collect the tax from the coffers of the profiteers who cashed in on the pandemic, many of them closely linked to Tory ministers, has not been made yet by a single opposition MP, even though tens of billions has been shoved out the back door of the public bank under the cover of the virus, often in exchange for wildly overpriced and unusable PPE products. There has been no negative consequences for the ethically bankrupt individuals who orchestrated all of it, as they have zero conscience.

“We’re saying NO to the Windfall Tax today,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “People say Mr Johnson’s shambolic and toxic administration is incapable of forward planning, is always taken by surprise by the obvious and then waits for too long to act with deeply negative consequences for real people. Well, we’re out front on this one! Our donors will be protected. A world leading protective ring will be formed around their offshore bank accounts and then it will be ramped up.”

The need to safeguard the immoral profits of donors is obvious as the removal of public money to private bank accounts, with public outcomes not a concern in the slightest, is one of the major motivations for modern Conservatives.

“Our donors can sleep safe in their newly purchased Georgian Manors, secure in knowing they have the money to avoid the worst dangers as we let the virus rip across the country. People are getting sick and dying avoidably each and every day and we could not care in the slightest.”

The bodies piled high, so did the Tory profits, let’s raise the National Insurance contributions of the poor to pay for it.

“Remember, a broken promise is not a broken promise until Boris Johnson has gotten his hands on it. World leading, gold standard disaster capitalism. It’s what the people wanted.”

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Education Secretary says every school will have a canary in their classrooms to monitor CO2 levels

THEY DON’T NEED NO EDUCATION : Education Superstar Gavin Williamson has hit back at critics who claim he’s as incompetent as Raab, as clueless as Truss and as vindictive as Patel.

With schools across the U.K. reopened or reopening after the gloomy summer many are concerned that English schools in particular are unprepared for another go at educating the future during a tantric pandemic. Mr Williamson has marked their work down.

“Letting the virus rip through our children is not a way to achieve herd immunity in the community via natural infection, while reducing the social care problem,” an invented spokesman for the Education Secretary told LCD Views. “It’s just the obvious result of our devil may care approach. It’s also not a way to reduce overcrowding in classrooms, it’s just what will follow with tens of thousands of students being off sick and many in hospitals.”

Responding to specific criticisms that he hasn’t even attempted to make classrooms safer Mr Williamson’s spokesman was livid.

“We have signed a contract for hundreds of millions of canaries. Just like in the coal mines of old there will be perfectly adequate warning systems that dangers are present. And then we’ll ignore them and carry on, just like now.”

The canaries themselves will be supplied “by the truckload” by a Tory donor who was the best person to deal with as “they’ve recently suffered a serious business failure but have previously donated generously to the Conservatives.”

The canaries will also be financially very efficient for schools.

“You can just bin them when they die due to the dangerous gas levels and pop another in the cage,” the spokesman enthuses. “And each day a lucky pupil can be chosen by lot to take the canary home for their afternoon shift in the newly reopened coal mines and stand an even better chance of making it home alive.”

Boris Johnson’s Britain – he doesn’t appear to care about his own offspring, why the hell do you expect he’ll care about yours?