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USA starts WW3 to make up for being late for the first two

A VERY STABLE GENIUS : THE USA IS SHOWING IT’S LEARNED FROM PAST MISTAKES by starting World War Three.

There were concerns in some quarters that the world’s fastest waining superpower had failed to learn the lessons of the first two world wars. Most noticeably by insisting on an international rules based order post the cataclysms of the first two world wars last century, and only since starting wars in countries it believed unlikely to trigger another global apocalypse. But the doubters have been proven wrong. Again.

“He’s got the greatest numbers,” a White House insider told LCD Views. “No one has ever seen numbers like President Trump. Most people can’t start even one war. Mr Trump is showing them how it’s done. He tried blowing up fishing boats in The Caribbean but that didn’t work, so he’s gone and blown up one of The Middle East’s most insane governments. It’s genius.”

The decision to start dropping bombs on Iranian school girls in the expectation their families would demand their zealous government do whatever Mr Trump wants is so far proving hugely popular in one country especially.

“What an intellectual titan,” the insider gushed. “Most people couldn’t have figured out a way to help the Russian government in its fiscal difficulties, but blow up Iran and cause global oil prices to surge? And everyone be so distracted by the drunken frat boy he’s put in charge of the military? I mean. Come on! Would you have done it? USA! USA! USA!”

The masterclass in international power politics has also helped to quieten down speculation amongst losers that they just had to wait out Mr Trump’s second term and America would change back to its former self.

“Who cares? I mean seriously. Do you know how much money the Trump family is raking in right now? The softserve wannabes that have led America through earlier world wars didn’t make a dime from it. Because they were late. But Mr Trump is first. America is first now. And that’s the way to cash in on the broken bodies of the innocents who didn’t vote for him anyway.”

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BREAKING : 79 Year Old Toddler Now Bored of Iran War

DUMBEST IN HERD LEADING : EXCITING NEWS TODAY for peaceniks the world over with the announcement that 79 year old spoiled brat and US President, Donald Trump, is getting bored of the war he started with Iran.

“It’s hard to keep his attention for long,” Mr Trump’s nanny told LCD Views, “he’s so energetic but so easily distracted. I have to shake a gold plated rattle over his head every time I need to change him or he just squirms and wriggles away leaving a ghastly trail of destruction behind him. He’s like a slug in human form, but instead of a slime trail he leaves faeces and death wherever he goes. He’s so charming. Aren’t you Donnie, Donnie, Donnie…NO STOP DONNIE! DONNIE. NO. JUST BECAUSE. Oh Lord Above! You’ve blown up another school!”

How soon the USA President grows frustrated and bored with blowing up Iran is seen as a key indicator of how long the conflict will continue, at least with active US engagement.

“You know those spoiled little kids who try and pretend to be generous by giving some other child a sweet they secretly dislike?”

Yes. We’ve all met them.

“They’ve worked out if they pretend to want to share everyone will praise them? Mostly out of relief that they aren’t having another public meltdown? That’s our Donnie. He’s trying to give the war he started in Iran, to allegedly distract from the Epstein Files, his failure to stop the war in Ukraine and the damage he’s doing to the American economy and global influence, to the Iranian Kurds right now so he can go off and do something else. Like have a hamburger and scream at the TV.”

Handing over Middle Eastern wars to the Kurds is one of the favourite past times of US Presidents and no one is really surprised Mr Trump is attempting it too.

“I blame the Iranian people really,” Mr Trump’s nanny told LCD Views, “if they had just been bothered to be slaughtered in even greater numbers while unarmed a few months ago, Mr Trump would not have had to start this war to begin with weeks too late. And anyway, we all know it was Biden’s fault for stealing the 2020 election.”

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FIFA Peace Prize winner running out of countries to bomb

HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND PANIC INSTEAD : Everybody’s favourite peacemaker, Donald Trump, is said to be fretting in a bunker (golf bunker) today after realising his latest war against Iran maybe his last.

“He’s said to be sheltering in place,” a Whitehouse insider told LCD Views, “he doesn’t know who he can bomb next? He’s worried he’s running out of time and as an old man in a hurry that’s a terrifying thought.”

President Trump has come out swinging since being returned to The Oval Office on a platform of peacemaking, economic growth and being horrific to anyone that wasn’t in a frat house with his senior leadership.

“He’s grabbed the world by the genitals and he’s incredibly pleased about the lack of consent involved,” the insider continued, “just in his flow state right now and probably one of the happiest men on earth. Just the biggest numbers. But if he can’t bomb another country soon he’ll get knocked off course and what would people think of him then? That’s he’s gone soft. He needs to keep up the big dick energy, which isn’t easy when you consider what Stormy said about him.”

Suggestions he could go after North Korea next have been dismissed as unfeasible because “it’s a totalitarian state” and you don’t go about “dropping even little bombs on your heroes.”

“I suspect we’ll get into a huddle and work it out. There will be another oil rich country that needs to be bombed back into the stone age to align with President Trump’s soul. Potentially another which also has a server holding the unredacted Epstein Files. So they’ll need to be eliminated as a threat to America also. You can’t access the internet if you don’t have no internet left.”

We did ask FIFA for comment about the warmongering of their first Peace Prize winner but they declined to comment, being too busy lining up immigration lawyers to haul most of the world’s football players out of ICE facilities in the upcoming tournament.

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I didn’t want to bomb Iran, but the bigger boys made me do it – Starmer

SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP, SPECIAL NEEDS: Every bully needs a victim, every victim needs help to grow a fucking backbone. At least this is true as regards the so-called special relationship between Trump and Starmer.

“I stand here before you, the British people, to reassure you that I put up a brief and token resistance before letting the bigger boys tell me what to do,” explained Starmer in full statesman mode. “In fact, it was a win for the UK because, in exchange, they didn’t steal my lunch money this time!”

A quip that Ed Davey himself would be proud of.

But this didn’t explain why Starmer folded so quickly and completely.

“They gave me a Chinese Burn,” explained Starmer weepily. “They threatened to put my head down the toilets at break time, and tell everyone that I snogged Rachel Reeves! It’s not fair.”

This is why the right-wing press, who are controlled by the same people who control Trump, forced Angela Rayner out of the picture. They know that Rayner would have told them to fuck off before she gave them a slap and a wedgie, with that strong Manchester accent and mane of ginger hair frightening the living shit out of them. Rayner would have grounded them for a week, and grounded the war planes for good.

It’s deja vu all over again. Iraq, Iran – what’s a letter between friends?

Meanwhile Nigel the frog-faced foghorn Farage gets to stand on the sidelines, and snarkily take the moral high ground as usual. “You can’t prove that I was egging Donald on, and putting pressure on Keir!” he remarked smugly. “It’s nothing to do with me. USA! USA!”

It’s good that our world leaders are so grown up now, and will be able to further their interests as soon as they reach secondary school. Peace in our time!

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“It was cheating not me being a massive bellend” – Farage responds to by-election loss

IT’S A DISC RACE : BRITAIN’S LONGEST SERVING BBC QUESTION TIME CONTESTANT has responded today to his current party’s shock by-election loss somewhere up north last week.

Speaking from his home in Belgium, the so called MP for Clacton, showed his characteristic sense of Great British fair play.

”I will accept the result of a free and fair election,” Farage commented, “although it’s obvious I can lose only if I’m cheated out of victory.”

The architect of Brexit, which is allegedly one of the most impactful acts of British democracy by a foreign adversary, is rumoured to be considering demanding a potential recount of the “up north somewhere” vote, once he’s finished his latest sun-drenched, disinterested donor holiday.

”He’s prepared to hand count every ballot himself, alone, so he can concentrate,” Mr Farage’s spokesman is said to have said.

The inability of Mr Farage to accept he was beaten fair and square by some “treehugger” comes as no surprise to anyone who’s met him.

”He was definitely cheated out of the seat,” the spokesman added, “why he said to me only this morning that it’s either cheating or he’s a massive bellend, and no one believes that.”

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We will win over the left wing vote by becoming Reform-lite, says Labour

THE PEOPLE HAD A VOTE and the dust has settled on a remarkable result for the Labour Party. It was some achievement to come third in a two horse race, and Labour is promising to learn the lessons from their exceptional campaign.

Everybody knows that Labour owes its origins to the unions and the working man. Until recently, they could rely on the working-class vote in an inner-city constituency like Gorton & Denton. But now there are two new kids on the block: the Green Party, which has camped squarely on Labour’s traditional territory; and Reform, who want to Take Are Cuntry Bak to feudal times.

“We will learn the lessons from this defeat!” hooted Labour’s policy spokeswonk Neil Ibberall. “There are the right lessons, and the left – I mean, wrong – ones. We can discount Green policies, because after all who wants nationalised utilities and cheap renewable power? Only the bleeding heart wokies and tree huggers. So to become more electable, we have to take the lead from Reform. Become Reform-lite, if you will.”

Ibberall managed to ignore completely the fact that the Greens actually won the election.

“Reform are still crying about losing, which is their absolute right, therefore we in Reform-lite must do the same, only rather half-heartedly,” said Ibberall. “We must appeal to our natural fanbase by mimicking the very tactics and policies of our erstwhile deadly enemies.”

Meanwhile the right wing press and talking heads are having a collective meltdown, and even aggrieved three year olds are starting to tell them to grow up. “That man needs a slap, Mummy,” remarked Todd Lurr, spokeschild for the Anklebiters’ Union, after seeing yet another clip of Nigel Farage losing his shit. “Can I have another biscuit now? Why not? It’s not fair!”

So now we can look forward to yet another generation of Labour candidates who would be happy just to come second to a nasty posh git.

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PM pledges to “Drown more puppies!” after voters reject “Drown Puppies Party” at by-election

FINGERS FIRMLY IN EARS : The UK is on course for more continuity governance with last Thursday’s shock by-election defeat for Keir Starmer’s government unlikely to force a course correction.

“The people have spoken,” a Labour Home Office spokesman told LCD Views, “and we heard them.”

The message the people delivered has been described by seasoned Westminster observers as “unequivocal” and “heartfelt”, also “WTF”.

“We have been in government long enough to know we’re entitled to be in government,” the spokesman expanded, “and the people must be governed, I grant you not always well, but governed they must be.”

How this translates into policy is clear.

“Last Thursday, in that place up north, the people had a choice between Labour, The Stop Drowning Puppies Party and The Drown More Puppies Party. The people wanted to ensure we were still paying attention to them so chose a treat them mean to keep them keen voting strategy. We have heard them. Cheeky little devils. To think we’re so stupid as to take their actions at face value. You can’t fool us.”

But what policy changes will result from the shock defeat to Labour in one of its most loyal constituencies?

“We aren’t going to take the wrong lessons from last Thursday. The Drown More Puppies Party pushed us into third place. That means the people want us to drown more puppies and drown more puppies we will. We are going to drown them in ponds, in pools, in ditches, in tubs we set up outside supermarkets, in pubs, in pub carparks, in cars in pub carparks, essentially anywhere we can so everyone understands our position. You’ll soon see the polls shifting again.”

When asked if the fact The Stop Drowning Puppies Party won the vote, and decisively, might suggest the people actually don’t want the government to drown puppies at all, the spokesman just laughed.

“You made up political hacks are all the same,” he scoffed, “one decisive rejection of government direction and you run off suggesting the government should change direction. That’s hardly the sort of government the people have been used to since 2010. Let the adults make the decisions.”

But in spite of the clarity of Downing Street’s response to the by-election defeat, some on the Labour backbenches are not convinced.

“I blame social media,” one backbench MP told LCD Views. “All the top brass are constantly on X being swamped with bots and bad actors telling them the Great British Public like drowning puppies and anyone that doesn’t is a woketard. Perhaps if instead of considering a social media ban for U16’s, Downing Street considered one for itself, we might stand a chance.”

When asked if he would be drowning even more puppies the MP just grimaced.

“I’ve no time,” he replied, “they’ve already got me shouting at the sea all next week at Dover so no one pays attention to the fact they’re drowning puppies.”

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New British Values to include sulking like a spoilt child when you lose, says Reform

JOLLY GOOD SHOW MY DEAR OLD THING will be a relic of the past, if Reform gets their way. They want to completely redefine British Values in their own image.

Most people believe that British Values have something to do with being relentlessly polite. Being modest in victory and gracious in defeat. Shaking hands and using old-fashioned phrases like ‘Spiffing, my dear fellow’ or ‘Rather, old bean’. A pat on the back and cups of tea all round.

Reform disagree. Reform love to use the phrase ‘British Values’. It is a suitable shorthand for ‘This is what we believe, therefore everyone else should believe it too’. It is a cover for all their unpleasant and frankly unBritish views. Reform spokesWeeble ‘Lacquer’ Grace Noates explained further.

“British Values means British Values,” clarified Lacquer Grace. “British Values is really our promise to put Common Sense and The Voice Of The Silent Majority into law.”

But what are these British Values, and how have Reform identified them and defined them?

“Do your own research!” shouted Lacquer Grace when confronted with this horribly biased and unnecessary question.

Lacquer Grace may not have been very forthcoming, but plenty of disgruntled ex-Reform councillors were happy to fill in the gaps.

“Flags, flags, and more fucking flags,” said Marcin Ordersz, who was kicked out of the party after someone discovered that he was Polish. “Shouting at anything, and anybody. Refusing to accept reality. Sulking and whining whenever they get a reality check. Redefining the word ‘woke’ as the worst kind of insult possible. I could go on.”

And he did, not forgetting to include ‘talking so much that nobody else can get a word in’. We left him to his angry rant, now directed at a hotel full of his compatriots.

Also included: owning your own propaganda channel, and being absolutely fine with exchanging large amounts of cash in brown envelopes.

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Farage to demand second referendum in Gorton & Denton

THE BIGGEST POLL IN WORLD HISTORY, PROBABLY: Ballot means Ballot, as we all know. The People of Gorton & Denton had a vote, a once in a lifetime vote. And Nigel Farage is not happy about it.

“The people of Gorton & Denton have let themselves down badly,” thundered Farage after his pet candidate had been soundly beaten. “Normally our strategy of naked racism and shouting ‘Woke!’ at everything works a treat. It’s not fair! We demand a second referendum!”

Democracy is not Farage’s strong point, as we know.

“Democracy means exactly what I want it to mean!” continued Humpty Dumpty. “Democracy means that we paid for this seat, and we expect to win it in return!”

Paying for a parliamentary seat does sound a little dodgy, to be fair.

“We paid for the blanket coverage on social media and in the papers!” he bellowed. “We paid for the opinion polls! We paid for patriots to threaten the lefties and the foreigners! We paid for thousands of flags! We even endorsed the Green Party candidate, because she is northern, woke, flaky, working class, lefty, empathetic, and all the other things that voters hate!”

Apparently not, given her margin of victory.

“It’s because of the biased returning officer, using foreign Arabic numerals!” he went on. “We demand that ENGLISH numbers are used when – not if – we have the second referendum!”

Meanwhile, defeated Reform placeholder Matt Goodwin has been defeated again. In a poll to determine who has the least appropriate surname, Goodwin lost out to the reigning champion, James Cleverly.

In Britain, we celebrate the underdog. We come second with good grace, and words of congratulation to the victor. We say ‘Well done, old thing!’ and have a nice cup of tea. It’s a shame that Reform have never heard of the British Values they claim to espouse.

In conclusion, there is a simple message for Reform: You lost, get over it.

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Labour to make Farage leader in rapid response to Gorton and Denton loss

HEAD HIT WALL : LABOUR PARTY HQ have today responded to Thursday’s staggering by-election loss up north somewhere by requesting a meeting with Nigel Farage.

While it’s not entirely clear what questions will be asked at the meeting, what is clear is that the leadership of the UK’s worker’s party will invite Nigel Farage to takeover as leader.

“Mr Farage will have no issue abandoning Reform,” A Reform Party insider told LCD Views. “Sorry. That’s Sir Nigel Farage, as his first act as Prime Minister will be to recommend himself for a knighthood in the hope that Donald Trump will send him a heart emoji over Whatsapp.”

The expectation that Labour will shift even fuhrer to the right politically has taken no one at all by surprise, except for a single man in Croydon, London, who voted for Labour at the last General Election, and then was hit by a bus while leaving the polling station.

“We don’t have a choice,” the Labour Party insider confirmed. “When you look at our polling? Well. It’s got to be bottle of whiskey and revolver time for Starmer. Although, given Keir’s track record as PM he will probably dither for a few days before first shooting a toy poodle in a park, before working out he was supposed to have taken the final symbols of office metaphorically and issuing a non-apology apology, and attempting a reboot while walking into a broom cupboard.”

There is little chance though of voters getting a say once Sir Farage takes over as PM.

“I wouldn’t be too concerned,” the Reform insider commented, “Nigel will most likely just issue BritCrypto, cash in on the stupidity of the common man, demand Andrew Mount Something Or Other is made King before passing a law that children should be taught to smoke at school again and dashing off to Florida for a well earned rest.”

“Any idiot thinking we should take the shock by-election loss as a lesson to tack back to the left has failed to learn the lesson of yesterday,” the Labour insider stated. “Reform were second place yesterday. That means they are poised to win. If we can ape them hard enough we’ll be poised to win. It’s not about reversing the baffling Tory impersonation we’ve been doing, it’s about putting machine gun nests on the beach at Dover. That will get us back into contention.”

Asked for comment, Mr Starmer’s office issued a statement so bland we couldn’t be bothered to print it.