HEAD HIT WALL : LABOUR PARTY HQ have today responded to Thursday’s staggering by-election loss up north somewhere by requesting a meeting with Nigel Farage.
While it’s not entirely clear what questions will be asked at the meeting, what is clear is that the leadership of the UK’s worker’s party will invite Nigel Farage to takeover as leader.
“Mr Farage will have no issue abandoning Reform,” A Reform Party insider told LCD Views. “Sorry. That’s Sir Nigel Farage, as his first act as Prime Minister will be to recommend himself for a knighthood in the hope that Donald Trump will send him a heart emoji over Whatsapp.”
The expectation that Labour will shift even fuhrer to the right politically has taken no one at all by surprise, except for a single man in Croydon, London, who voted for Labour at the last General Election, and then was hit by a bus while leaving the polling station.
“We don’t have a choice,” the Labour Party insider confirmed. “When you look at our polling? Well. It’s got to be bottle of whiskey and revolver time for Starmer. Although, given Keir’s track record as PM he will probably dither for a few days before first shooting a toy poodle in a park, before working out he was supposed to have taken the final symbols of office metaphorically and issuing a non-apology apology, and attempting a reboot while walking into a broom cupboard.”
There is little chance though of voters getting a say once Sir Farage takes over as PM.
“I wouldn’t be too concerned,” the Reform insider commented, “Nigel will most likely just issue BritCrypto, cash in on the stupidity of the common man, demand Andrew Mount Something Or Other is made King before passing a law that children should be taught to smoke at school again and dashing off to Florida for a well earned rest.”
“Any idiot thinking we should take the shock by-election loss as a lesson to tack back to the left has failed to learn the lesson of yesterday,” the Labour insider stated. “Reform were second place yesterday. That means they are poised to win. If we can ape them hard enough we’ll be poised to win. It’s not about reversing the baffling Tory impersonation we’ve been doing, it’s about putting machine gun nests on the beach at Dover. That will get us back into contention.”
Asked for comment, Mr Starmer’s office issued a statement so bland we couldn’t be bothered to print it.