THE BIGGEST POLL IN WORLD HISTORY, PROBABLY: Ballot means Ballot, as we all know. The People of Gorton & Denton had a vote, a once in a lifetime vote. And Nigel Farage is not happy about it.
“The people of Gorton & Denton have let themselves down badly,” thundered Farage after his pet candidate had been soundly beaten. “Normally our strategy of naked racism and shouting ‘Woke!’ at everything works a treat. It’s not fair! We demand a second referendum!”
Democracy is not Farage’s strong point, as we know.
“Democracy means exactly what I want it to mean!” continued Humpty Dumpty. “Democracy means that we paid for this seat, and we expect to win it in return!”
Paying for a parliamentary seat does sound a little dodgy, to be fair.
“We paid for the blanket coverage on social media and in the papers!” he bellowed. “We paid for the opinion polls! We paid for patriots to threaten the lefties and the foreigners! We paid for thousands of flags! We even endorsed the Green Party candidate, because she is northern, woke, flaky, working class, lefty, empathetic, and all the other things that voters hate!”
Apparently not, given her margin of victory.
“It’s because of the biased returning officer, using foreign Arabic numerals!” he went on. “We demand that ENGLISH numbers are used when – not if – we have the second referendum!”
Meanwhile, defeated Reform placeholder Matt Goodwin has been defeated again. In a poll to determine who has the least appropriate surname, Goodwin lost out to the reigning champion, James Cleverly.
In Britain, we celebrate the underdog. We come second with good grace, and words of congratulation to the victor. We say ‘Well done, old thing!’ and have a nice cup of tea. It’s a shame that Reform have never heard of the British Values they claim to espouse.
In conclusion, there is a simple message for Reform: You lost, get over it.