FINGERS FIRMLY IN EARS : The UK is on course for more continuity governance with last Thursday’s shock by-election defeat for Keir Starmer’s government unlikely to force a course correction.
“The people have spoken,” a Labour Home Office spokesman told LCD Views, “and we heard them.”
The message the people delivered has been described by seasoned Westminster observers as “unequivocal” and “heartfelt”, also “WTF”.
“We have been in government long enough to know we’re entitled to be in government,” the spokesman expanded, “and the people must be governed, I grant you not always well, but governed they must be.”
How this translates into policy is clear.
“Last Thursday, in that place up north, the people had a choice between Labour, The Stop Drowning Puppies Party and The Drown More Puppies Party. The people wanted to ensure we were still paying attention to them so chose a treat them mean to keep them keen voting strategy. We have heard them. Cheeky little devils. To think we’re so stupid as to take their actions at face value. You can’t fool us.”
But what policy changes will result from the shock defeat to Labour in one of its most loyal constituencies?
“We aren’t going to take the wrong lessons from last Thursday. The Drown More Puppies Party pushed us into third place. That means the people want us to drown more puppies and drown more puppies we will. We are going to drown them in ponds, in pools, in ditches, in tubs we set up outside supermarkets, in pubs, in pub carparks, in cars in pub carparks, essentially anywhere we can so everyone understands our position. You’ll soon see the polls shifting again.”
When asked if the fact The Stop Drowning Puppies Party won the vote, and decisively, might suggest the people actually don’t want the government to drown puppies at all, the spokesman just laughed.
“You made up political hacks are all the same,” he scoffed, “one decisive rejection of government direction and you run off suggesting the government should change direction. That’s hardly the sort of government the people have been used to since 2010. Let the adults make the decisions.”
But in spite of the clarity of Downing Street’s response to the by-election defeat, some on the Labour backbenches are not convinced.
“I blame social media,” one backbench MP told LCD Views. “All the top brass are constantly on X being swamped with bots and bad actors telling them the Great British Public like drowning puppies and anyone that doesn’t is a woketard. Perhaps if instead of considering a social media ban for U16’s, Downing Street considered one for itself, we might stand a chance.”
When asked if he would be drowning even more puppies the MP just grimaced.
“I’ve no time,” he replied, “they’ve already got me shouting at the sea all next week at Dover so no one pays attention to the fact they’re drowning puppies.”