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Keir Starmer is no Churchill, says President who is no Dubya

MY VERY GREAT FRIEND, I DON’T KNOW HIM AT ALL, A VERY BAD MAN INDEED: The alleged President of the USA has slagged off Keir Starmer. As do we all. But the Churchill reference invites a similar transatlantic comparison.

Trump, if he had a brain, or advisors with a witty turn of phrase, might have made more of this quip. “They have replaced Churchill with a poodle, and not just on the banknotes” is a great line that the Americans completely missed.

Unfortunately, just like Starmer, President Trump is a far cry from his illustrious predecessors. Pot, kettle. Even the rightfully maligned fool George Dubya Bush looks statesmanlike by comparison.

It takes one to know one, and it’s just possible that Trump has inadvertently reversed into a truth. He is no Dubya though, and he is struggling to maintain the illusion of being in control. Maybe with the actual truth hot on his tail, he is running as fast as he can to provide further distractions.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a President in possession of poor fortune must be in want of a war.

Except that this apparent misfortune is all of his own doing. He could have held office and done little beyond wearing a silly hat and shouting “MAGA! MAGA!” at every opportunity. He would have gone down in history as, if not a great President, then at least as no worse than Dubya. Instead, he decided to make stupid laws and bomb people. And here we are.

This is possibly Starmer’s Churchill moment. He could rise up, bringing the country with him, and stand alone against the fascist might in the west. We can dream that, once again, England will be a bulwark against the enemy.

And the fictional EU army can roll into town at the last minute to save the day.

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Trump awarded “Strategic Genius Award” by Iran

SHIT-TZU : USA President Donald Trump continues to amass a truly unbelievable collection of impressive prizes. He already holds the Nobel Peace Prize, the coveted FIFA World Peace Prize and the 2017 Bankruptcy of the Year Prize. He shows no signs of slowing down, other than cognitively, with the announcement that even Iran are going to give him a special gong.

”He’s made America great again!” a White House insider screamed at our Washington correspondent, while nimbly displaying the Trump admin’s depthless talent for multi-tasking, as she was shoving spaniel puppies into a pot of boiling water at the same time.

”No American President before Mr Trump has ever been awarded the Strategic Genius Award by the satanic state of Iran.”

Indeed that claim is almost certainly true.

”The remaining leadership of I-ran is blown away by Mr Trump’s shoot from the hip style of war fighting. Those idiots spent decades planning to defeat America and look at them now? A laughing stock. It’s so funny Mr Trump is asking all of our allies and friends to come and see these losers for themselves. They never stood a chance. It’s only right they celebrate his greatness. It’s a sign that we’ve won.”

The award ceremony itself is said to be planned soon on a sun drenched little island in the Strait of Hormuz perfumed with the intoxicating smell of burning petrochemicals.

”They’re inviting US forces on to Kharg island. They couldn’t be more abject in their complete and utter humiliation and defeat.”

Although it’s thought unlikely Mr Trump will be present in person to receive the physical result of his strategic genius.

”That’s because he’s a Christian leader,” the insider affirmed, “and his generosity of spirit means he would much rather hundreds, or maybe even thousands, of young American men and women bite that bullet, or drone, or missile for him.”

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How to Maximize Fun with a 1 Euro Casino Deposit in Ireland

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Understanding the Appeal of 1 Euro Deposits in Online Casinos

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When evaluating different casinos, pay close attention to their licensing and reputation. Look for online casinos that are regulated by authorities such as the Malta Gaming Authority or the UK Gambling Commission. This ensures that you’re playing in a safe environment where your funds and personal information are protected. Additionally, read reviews and user experiences to gauge how other players feel about the casino’s customer service, game variety, and payout processes.

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Another smart approach is to take advantage of progressive jackpots. Many online casinos offer slots with progressive jackpots that can be won with small bets. These jackpots can grow significantly, providing a chance for a life-changing win even with minimal investment. Just remember to check the game rules, as some may require larger bets to qualify for the jackpot.

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Progressive Slot €0.01 Progressive Varies (up to millions)
Table Game €1 Fixed Varies (up to €10,000)

Popular Games to Enjoy with a 1 Euro Minimum Deposit

With a 1 euro minimum deposit, you can explore a wide range of exciting games. Slots are often the go-to choice, as they typically have low minimum bets and a plethora of themes and features. From classic fruit machines to themed video slots based on popular movies or TV shows, there’s something for everyone. Titles like “Starburst” or “Gonzo’s Quest” are great options to consider as they offer engaging gameplay and the potential for big wins.

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  1. Slots: Great for variety and low bets.
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Why Responsible Gambling is Essential, Even with Small Bets

Even when playing with a 1 euro deposit, responsible gambling should always be a priority. It’s crucial to remember that while the stakes are low, the potential for developing gambling-related issues remains. Setting strict limits on your playtime and spending can help maintain a healthy balance. We recommend using casino tools to set deposit limits or take breaks regularly to ensure you’re enjoying the experience without feeling overwhelmed.

Furthermore, always be aware of the signs of problem gambling. If you find yourself feeling anxious about your gaming habits or if gambling starts to interfere with your daily life, it’s essential to seek help. Many online casinos provide resources and support for players who may be struggling. Remember, the goal is to have fun, and maintaining a responsible approach is key to ensuring that your gaming experience remains enjoyable.

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That money was just resting in my account, says patriot

YOU CAN FOOL ME ONCE, BUT YOU CAN’T FOOL ME TICE: Tax dodging economic migrant “Tricky Dicky” Tice claims that almost £600,000 of unpaid tax was simply ‘resting in my account’.

Tricky Dicky was one of those leading the hue-and-cry over Angela Rayner and her alleged tax avoidance. Now it comes out that he was up to the same old shenanigans. Who would have guessed?

We know about Are Great Leader, Nigel Farage, and the financial inconsistencies around a house in Clacton that he may or may not have bought, and may or may not have declared in the Register of Members’ Interests.

We know that both funnel their ill-gotten gains through an opaque system of shady limited companies to avoid paying the tax that the rest of us bloody well have to pay. And don’t get me started on the affairs of their ghouls like Jenrick and Braverman.

Voting Reform into power would be like asking Father Dougal to take a funeral. Much better that the whole lot of them are shipped off to some remote and craggy island (offshore, naturally) where they cannot burn the rest of the country.

Of course Tricky Dicky has done nothing wrong (like Rayner). The unpaid tax, he says, was never withheld from the taxman. It was merely resting in one of his bank accounts, before being accidentally laundered through his extensive network of limited companies based in tax havens across the globe. If you can find it, good luck, he adds.

It’s a truly patriotic action. Who cares, when you can wave a flag, shout at a hotel, or vandalise a mini roundabout?

Maybe Tricky Dicky thinks that all taxation is wrong. Perhaps taxation is theft of hard-earned money, and should therefore be abolished? The last word should go to Tricky Dicky himself.

“Of course we need taxation,” he said. “There must be money in the public pot. Otherwise, how could we plunder it?”

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Η διαδικασία εγγραφής στο Smokace Casino είναι απλή και γρήγορη. Αρχικά, θα χρειαστεί να επισκεφθείτε την ιστοσελίδα του καζίνο και να επιλέξετε την επιλογή “Εγγραφή”. Εκεί, θα σας ζητηθεί να συμπληρώσετε μια φόρμα με προσωπικά στοιχεία, όπως το όνομά σας, τη διεύθυνσή σας και τη διεύθυνση ηλεκτρονικού ταχυδρομείου σας. Είναι σημαντικό να παρέχετε ακριβείς πληροφορίες, καθώς αυτές θα χρησιμοποιηθούν για τη διαδικασία επιβεβαίωσης της ταυτότητάς σας.

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Trump says Russian plan to nuke White House – “Not a problem. I live in Florida!”

ORGAN GRINDER’S MONKEY : Great news today for citizens of the USA with the announcement that their President is completely relaxed by Russian plans to drop a nuclear bomb on Washington D.C.

Earlier today the CIA revelaed it had uncovered “advanced” plans by the Kremlin to respond to Trump’s war with Iran by dropping a nuke on The White House. It seems Russian President Vladimir Putin is so upset by his employee of the month grabbing all the headlines that he’s got to show him “who’s the daddy.”

“President Trump believes that Mr Putin will be doing him a favour if he vaporises Washington,” a White House insider told LCD Views. “Oh and do you want to buy a hat? Or a pen? Or a watch? We’re bringing back Trump steaks too. Hang on. I think there’s one here somewhere. They’re selling so fast we can’t keep up. You can pay in crypto too. But you have to send it to an account overseas. For national security reasons. What were we talking about?”

The reasons for Mr Trump’s nonchalance in the face of the imminent destruction of the capital of the USA are perfectly understandable and extensive.

“Well you can forget about the Epstein Files if Vlad nukes Washington. It’ll also save Mr Trump the trouble of destroying the rest of The White House himself. Nice fresh level ground to start on, assuming the crater isn’t too big. And if it is we’ll just use it to house illegals. There’s really no downside. It is not treason if Mr Trump gives Putin the targeting details either. It’s just statesmanship.”

The exact timing of the detenation is the only concern.

“Well the corruption in the Russian military is really something to be impressed by. Star in a crowded field. So it’s possible some of the components of the bomb maybe out of date or replaced by an old fashioned alarm clock. But if they throw it at the ground hard enough it should go off.”

Happily too there’s no concerns over Mr Trump’s personal safety.

“He told me himself, it’s not a problem, he lives in Florida.”

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Bank of England to put Pingu on £5 note

HISTORY HAS BEEN ERASED AGAIN, AGAIN: The UK is so fragile, so lacking in confidence, that replacing a historical figure on a banknote is enough to bring down the nation.

“This is disgusting” thundered Miles Away, chief satirist at one of the UK’s leading propaganda papers. “Where will it all end? When did England stop celebrating national pride? When did we all forget our rich, rainbow-coloured, and unique heritage? When did the Loony Left decide that actual, real, genuine, history didn’t happen? Why do they have to be so divisive, and use the periodic change in design of ARE British banknotes to REMOVE an old white man and replace him with democratically chosen animals? Why, oh why, oh why do we have to put up with this woke rubbish AGAIN?”

That’s a lot of words to say ‘I don’t like change’.

If we must indulge in a little gratuitous political point scoring, then, in the name of balance, we must point out that the Righteous Right insists on throwing a collective wobbly over the smallest, most insignificant matters, while ignoring actual, real, genuine, current affairs.

Indeed, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse could literally ride into town, and the likes of Miles Away would be moaning because one of them is a woman.

Once again, Mr Away is as precisely wrong as it is possible to be. As with the Moral Panic About Toppling Are Statues (the last time that history was erased), all it has done is to draw attention to our history. Yeah, Churchill did a decent job in difficult times, but we have (mostly) moved on from a war that ended over 80 years ago. Why not celebrate our wildlife – and even Pingu?

Diversity and divisive are only similar in spelling. Their meanings are poles apart.

So to the South Pole, and the last word goes to Pingu: “Maak Maak!”

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Farage to lower petrol prices by putting them up by only 50p a litre

I’M A MAN OF MY WORD, I DO EXACTLY WHAT I SAY I WILL DO: Nigel Farage, who didn’t leave the UK after the abject failure of Brexit, despite promising to do so, is at it again.

Farage is exactly the sort of man who will convince you that black is white, leading to a spike in zebra crossing deaths.

He has recently insisted that he didn’t campaign on lower council taxes, even though he did. He even claimed that a rise less than the maximum permitted 5% counts as cutting tax. A man of his word, you see.

So after his latest stunt, willy-waving with “Honest” Bob Jenrick and a couple of petrol pumps, he declared to the eagerly watching media that ‘Mine’s bigger than yours!’

Please put the nozzle away safely, Mr Farage. Zip it. Now wash your hands.

Nobody knows how expensive fuel will be following the USA’s latest Middle Eastern blunder, but it will clearly be far too costly. Farage,quite apart from cheering on the Trump bandwagon, is now trying to separate himself from the consequences of his position.

“Rising prices have nothing to do with the war in Iran!” he bellowed at anyone within earshot of the isolated petrol station. “It’s all because of woke lefties and the boat people as usual.”

But it’s a direct result of Iran closing the Gulf of Hormuz…

“No no no no no no!” he yelled. “And Keir Starmer is putting up prices by 60p a litre, while I’m lowering them!”

You’re proposing an increase of 50p a litre.

“That’s less than anybody else!” he blustered. “That counts as a price reduction!”

And yeah, but immigrants.

A man of his word, you see.

The cost of living crisis continues. Or ‘inflation’ as it’s more usually known. It’s OK, Farage will do nicely out of it, and that’s all that matters.

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Scientists pinpoint reason aliens don’t talk to us

GHOSTED BY ET : GREAT NEWS TODAY WITH THE CONFIRMATION THAT ADVANCED AND INTELLIGENT LIFE EXISTS WITHIN OUR SOLAR SYSTEM.

For decades clueless boffins have been speculating that really, really clever alien life exists out in space but it’s so far away we can never hope to communicate with it (before we blow ourselves up). They were wrong. Which is no surprise to anyone who still has an account on X, many of whom claim to talk to aliens frequently.

“So much for experts hey?” Mr Riotus Disschar-je 3rd, a newly appointed member of the current USA administration, told LCD Views. “Just think if I hadn’t given RFK jnr. that complimentary carob and oatmeal enema to cure his laryngitis I would never have been appointed Special Envoy to Spacemen and who would have suffered? You. That’s who.”

While we quickly lost confidence anything sensible would be gained by talking to Mr Disschar-je, we did accept the complimentary do-it-yourself arthritis cure before exiting quickly.

Next we decided to use an LLM to scrape the interview with the actual scientist who made the discovery and reproduce it here without acknowledgement.

“They did talk to Earth’s leadership a lot in the 1950’s,” ScrapeFace 7 bot confidentially asserted. “After the horrors of WW2 and the formation of the United Nations a council of alien civilisations decided to come to Earth and assess our readiness to “come out” into the community existing in outer space.”

But why didn’t we all find out at the time?

“It seems a recent ancestor of Pete Hesgeth was able to convince the aliens to take him for a joy ride and then took violent control of the dish shaped craft and crashed it into a forest. The resulting blame game convinced the aliens we were not ready and they left.”

But they’ve been checking in on us regularly?

“Constantly. But the last time they checked we’d let the dumbest in the herd run the world’s most powerful country and they’ve basically blocked our number for another century. Which is a shame because we’ll never get to study the impact of spreading conspiracy theories via social media on their civilisations.”

We did approach the alien community for comment but as yet none has been received. Bastards.

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NATO votes to turn the USA off and on again

COMPLICATED PROBLEMS DEMAND SIMPLE SOLUTIONS as we all know from following right wing politics in recent years. And NATO has come up with the ideal solution to the tangled mess of horrors emanating from the USA.

“The only option open to us is tough love,” said NATO talking head Rudi Remarki. Our dear friends across the water have, as the phrase goes, lost the plot. If the USA was a pet, it would go straight to the vet. If it was a much loved family member, we would lovingly send it on a one way trip to Switzerland. But you can’t do those things with an entire nation.”

So Remarki had a more pertinent analogy, and the solution was blindingly obvious.

“If the USA was a computer, however, we would simply turn it off, and then turn it on again. It worked for my old laptop, and also with Dubya funnily enough,” claimed Remarki. “Let’s try it with the whole USA. Simples!”

Remarki asserted that NATO was unanimous in their decision. “Except for the USA themselves, of course,” he added. “But we classified the nation as clinically insane and unable to vote rationally. Officially, they abstained.”

In these batshit crazy times, the idea of pulling the plug – quite literally – on The Biglyest Nation On Earth, Ever seems positively rational.

But what would that look like?

“Unlike our American friends , we have pondered the consequences,” said Remarki. “The USA will power down. No electricity, gas, oil, internet. Nothing. Blackout. The red, white and blue screen of death. Everything will stop, like a lockdown but done properly this time. Then we at NATO will slowly count to ten, in all our many and varied European languages, to be woke and piss off the Americans while it’s safe to do so. We will press the reset button. And then reboot the USA as if none of this batshit ever happened. But with a serious antivirus program installed this time.”

“And we will make the Americans pay for it.”