LOCAL MAN WINS BIG : GREAT NEWS TODAY FOR A LOCAL WESTMINSTER MAN with the announcement that he has won the coveted “Dog Who Caught Car Award” for the third year running.

“No one else was even on the pitch,” an insider in the judging panel told LCD Views. “It’s not even a surprise anymore. He just runs after that 10 Downing Street car woofing like a mad dog and grabs it by the exhaust. Then looks confused. Baffled. Adjusts his glasses and decides to mostly do what the dog who caught the car before him did.”

The keen government car chaser wasn’t always in the running for the trophy.

“He was a non-starter for many years,” the insider comments. “He first showed up in the ranks of contenders in 2015 but seemed to have zero interest in chasing any car. He appeared to be focused solely on getting into the driver’s seat and taking the car in a new direction. No one spectating expected that once the car stopped for him and the driver’s door opened that he would suddenly go behind the vehicle and start furiously barking at it to move so he could give chase.”

But not everyone is impressed.

“I didn’t vote for him,” says every bloody UK resident with an energy, water or grocery bill. “Well I did vote for him because I thought he’d be a Prime Minister who would take on the profiteers that are ruining the country. Not a fucking metaphor for piss poor leadership by a clueless chump who should shuffle out of the way and let someone with an actual idea of what they want to do with power take over, instead of this clownshow of head up the arse idiots in Downing Street who are essentially rolling the red carpet out for fascism by thinking most people want them shouting at the sea rather than making the fundamental change needed to resurrect the fortunes of a country that should be so much better than it is, but is being governed by entitled prats who are just in it for themselves and to line their own pockets before pissing off to launch a podcast.”

We’re not entirely sure what they meant by that.

CONTROL ARE BOARDERS: A foreign, male, alleged criminal on his own has turned up in a small boat, and been refused entry. This is exactly the thing that Nigel Farage and his followers have demanded for years.

Only this time, of course, the migrant is Nigel Farage himself.

And the location is the Chagos Islands – an archipelago that nobody had ever heard of until the British Government made a strategic withdrawal of sovereignty.

The very word ‘sovereignty’ is like a red rag to a bully, so naturally Farage was on the first cheap flight to the middle of nowhere to bluster and rage at a coral atoll in the middle of the Indian Ocean.

This is, frankly, the Privileged Establishment Elite’s version of shouting at hotels.

Chagos joins the exclusive list of places that Farage has visited once for self-publicity. Other such places include the House of Commons and Clacton.

Chagos Islands spokesman Chukka Fashout vowed to deport Farage to “the nearest safe country”, in accordance with established principles laid down by Farage himself. “The Maldives are close, but hardly safe,” he said. “They are full of angry Brits who have been forcibly removed from Chagos. They could start running cheap flags up lampposts at any minute. Already they have vandalised a number of mini roundabouts. This could end very, very badly indeed.”

Fashout reflected on his alternatives. “Somalia – full of pirates, of course. India – hardly safe for a man like Farage, let’s be honest. Madagascar – full of talking animals, have you seen the film? There is only one viable alternative. Antarctica.”

It looks like Farage is soon going to be surrounded by a load of penguins. He will be forced to assimilate, which in this case means joining a dance routine, while not going on long fishing trips. Still, at least he will finally be able to do something about the local fisheries.

Chat shit, get banged. Funny how that works.

LETTUCE PRAY AND BE THANKFUL: The long overdue return of the UK’s Prodigal Daughter has finally happened. The once and future Queen of the Pork Markets will lead the UK out of its darkest hour.

The plethora of new parties is very confusing. Reform, Reclaim, Restore… it’s a short step from Recycle, Rejoin, Rejoice. In this way, the fracturing Right could inadvertently become Socialists Reborn.

But what’s in a name? A discredited ex-Prime Minister by any other party would smell as foul. Rehash is possibly a case of going back to basics with all of Truss’s superbly successful policies. Alternately, it sounds suspiciously like a cover for Zack Polanski to further his agenda of making everyone smoke weed by 2030.

So what are the groundbreaking policies that Norfolk the Queenbreaker is putting forward? There is no mention of vegetable matter in her manifesto, sadly. Neither salad nor illegal substances make an appearance. In fact, there is no manifesto in her manifesto.

“Policy? I invented policy, the best policy, I don’t want to talk about it, but I invented it all on my own, but I won’t mention it, they gave me an award for that, the best award, and I stopped the war in the Falklands and everywhere else, and the FT is up to fifty million points, I did that, nothing to do with Rachel Reeves, not a nice person, a traitor, she should be in jail, I don’t even know how she got the job, the system is corrupt, DRAIN THE SWAMP!” Truss said at a press conference earlier today.

Meanwhile the White House was hunting for Donald Trump’s speech writer, in case the Orange Embarrassment started speaking off the cuff again.

The new party will lead the UK out of its darkest hour into an even darker one. Rehash is rehashing US policies without any guardrails. Come on, Liz! ICE ICE baby!

FORGET ABOUT IT : The UK’s current PM, widely touted as “equal in ability to Theresa May and David Cameron combined”, Keir Starmer, today launched his own meme coin called £storekeir.

The launch of the make believe coin comes just twenty four hours after the Prime Minister gave a speech on immigration that reportedly has Nigel Farage contacting his lawyers about the feasibility of suing for intellectual property theft.

While some will criticise the meme coin sale as “just jumping on the MAGA bandwagon”, others will point to the fact that Mr Starmer did all he could to validate Donald Trump with a laughably called ‘trade deal’ just last week, so it’s consistency in action.

But not everyone is so enthusiastic. Official Opposition leader…hang on…it’s here somewhere…Kemi…Kemi something? Kemi Badenoch! Has been less than impressed with the release of £storekeir.

“I’m the one who gets attention by saying things I can claim were taken out of context,” Mrs Badenoch told LCD Views. “I’m the one whose entire strategy is to say divisive things that I can claim were misinterpreted while also claiming I wasn’t aware of the historical connotations of whatever bits of them the fake news media choose to focus on. He is parking his tanks on my lawn and that’s where I park my tanks!”

The meme coin itself has underwhelmed investors, failing to live up to expectations while also acting like some old spare change found behind some sofa cushions, leaving people wondering what to do with it now they have it?

“That’s totally on brand,” 10 Downing Street replied, “and fits perfectly with the feelings evoked so far by Mr Starmer’s leadership. It is also a deeply personal reflection of the PM’s own reason for being in office. Just existing because of a right to exist in office, without any actual serious purpose. People should be celebrating the way he’s put his essence into £storekeir rather than being unfairly critical. Next week we’ll be releasing a fragrance!”

But not before a photoshoot featuring Mr. Starmer in combat fatigues popping out of the hatch of a tank, as that’s the “go to” for a PM who’s made a mess of it.

REFORM AWAY : FANTASTIC NEWS for Labour’s millions of wavering voters today with the announcement by Downing Street that PM Keir Starmer is to undergo a supervised medical procedure to alter his voice.

While many find his high pitched, nasal tones reminiscent of former PM contender Ed Miliband, but without the terrifying prospect of investment in public services, some are put off in a “Darwinian” sense.

“It’s about appealing to the base instincts,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “That’s how you win voters over. Not by providing GP services or stopping councils making bin collections optional. Ed never made it because insufficient voters believed he was the man to lead them into a fight with a bear. It was the voice. Oh, and there was a bacon sandwich and Nick Clegg being a bastard no one could trust the moment he was elected in 2010. But mostly it was the voice.”

The transition to a man who sounds like he could fight a bear will be closely supervised by experts.

“Some have told us that this is a waste of public money better spent paying water company bosses bonuses,” the spokesman ads, “but we believe the money that will be placed behind the bar at the Duck ‘n Skive will give Great Britain the leader it sent a clear signal last week it expects.”

The procedure itself is based on traditional English medicine.

“Endless pints of warm ale and millions of Rothmans. That should lower the PM’s voice a few octaves and give it that underlying deep and gruff feel on the ears that says you are safe with me in a bear fight.”

But critics have suggested the voice is not the problem, it’s the man’s inability to understand that simply screaming at the sea about refugees while large corporations continue to suck the life out of Blighty is the real issue. Oh, and being so chickenshit on Brexit it’s like their contending for the gold medal in political chickenshitness.

“That’s nonsense. The organising principle of British politics is xenophobia. It’s not boring stuff like well founded schools, accessible healthcare, battling profiteering, roads that work and not having to sell whatever you’ve accumulated through decades of hard work to ensure you can survive to die in retirement. It’s those bloody foreigners coming over here to wait for 8am and call the GP. Any idiot knows it. And right now Keir is any idiot.”