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Conservatives to stop taking donations from Russian oligarchs in anything other than unmarked bills

The Conservative Party has issued a new directive to greedy party figures that they are to stop taking donations from Russian oligarchs in anything other than unmarked bills.

“It’s a fierce reaction to this inconvenient scandal involving the nervy agent thingy,” Party tsar Boottle Augustus Norman Invasion Statute-of-Labourers-Brexit-1351 told LCD Views,

“I expect we can resume taking standard money transfers in a week or two, once the aluminium lady has finished blowing hard at old Poots. We certainly shouldn’t rush into any of that Magnitsky stuff.

Imagine the devastation to landlords if we stopped allowing masses of money from oligarchs in states that don’t have a functioning rule of law coming into the capital and buying up oodles of new flats they have no intention of ever allowing anyone to live in? It could be devastating.”

Queries have also been raised over the access of eyewateringly wealthy figures to the executive, with one such individual apparently shelling out £30,000 for lunch with the Secretary of State for Defence.

“Nothing to see there, move along, just because a minister of state is having a standard twenty course lunch with champers with a man who may have become insanely wealthy through means not exactly standard, is not reason not to tighten our state control over the media, post Brexit. It’s not corrupt. It’s business as usual.”

None the less, the party of government will have to do something?

“I’ll correct you there, you silly little peasant, I know this is beyond your ken, as my ghillie tells me every year when I fail to catch a salmon, we have to be seen to be doing something. It’s a key difference.”

So how will donations be made from now on?

“Oh, by reviving the old tradition of the brown paper bag I expect. Although personally I prefer the unmarked bills in a lockable briefcase.”

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May replete now she has has done something naughtier than running through the wheat

“I am replete,” Theresa May said after winning her Commons showdown on school meals, “I am stuffed to the brim with pride. My Christian heart is full to satisfaction. What a good Vicar’s daughter am I.”

The reason for this feast of self congratulation was the defeat of a Labour motion in the Commons to protect the hot school lunches of one million poor children.

”This might be a little bit naughtier than running through the wheat?” Theresa May smirked, “the parents of those children have been taught a lesson about caring conservatives now.”

The stunning victory was secured in the awareness the SNP would not be voting on this English matter, and quite a bit of advanced menu planning for the votes.

”Those Old Testament types, the DUP, they agreed not to oppose my feast or famine penny pinching, see? We did a deal that Northern Ireland could keep the meals and England could not.”

Well, this is a fine example of the DUP meaning what it says about exact same conditions between their place and ours.

But how do you explain it to such a multitude of hungry little kids, whose only hot meal a day you may well have taken away?

”It’s simple. Traditional Victorian values, don’t you see?”

Do go on you old wheat stomper you.

”The poor children in Northern Ireland are the deserving poor.”

And the poor children in England?

”The poor children in my Victorian universe,” May went on to say, “why those one million are deserving of me. Because of the way their parents vote, don’t you see?”

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Boris Johnson to ride bareback and shirtless around Hyde Park to show Putin what he’s dealing with

Boris Johnson has announced his intention to ride bareback and shirtless around Hyde Park, to show master poisoner Vladimir Putin what he’s dealing with if he continues to mess about with Global Britain.

Speaking as he saddled his steed for the event, a bare chested Mr Johnson sounded upbeat.

“This is cherry picking at its fandiggly finest,” the statement led to calls for Mr Johnson to put his shirt back on, but he was unrepentant, “once I jiggle and wiggle and bomdoddle doddle about the lush, green and pleasant lawn of England’s capital city that dastardly Russian chap will beg us to send our footie boys to his golden palladium in the snow.”

It’s not clear if the ride was agreed with the prime minister beforehand. There are rumours that the foreign secretary has gone rogue again.

“Ms May is seething about it,” a rumourmonger told us, “she was planning to do exactly the same thing dressed Boudicca. Boris has buggered it all up. This really does confirm the rumours that he listens to her planning meetings outside of the office at 10 Downing Street with a glass pressed to the door.”

The outing by Mr Johnson will be broadcast live on the BBC with appropriately patriotic music.

“I’ve heard they’re getting some pipers in and they’ll be in the nude. Completely starkers. We know Vlad’s bearskin style and we’re going to show that fellow who’s buffer when it comes to international rows about minor issues to do with knocking off spies.”

We understand there will be popcorn available from stands along the route Boris is to ride and that he will do it without a saddle, just his big, hearty thighs gripping the sides of a thirty four year old horse, chosen for its age, to make it less likely Boris will get thrown off. Although the horse may not survive.

“I’ve heard that Theresa is so chip spitting furious she’s going to go Boudicca and challenge him to a chase. She’s going to quiz him in public about how he got a Russian first name and an American surname!

Get your selfie sticks out and get to Hyde Park and get in the picture. They’re doing this for Global Britain. Ride Boris! Ride!”

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Leader who can’t control a piece of furniture to boss autocrat with lots of nukes

The United Kingdom was feeling warm, very warm and high temp cosy today secure in the knowledge that Theresa May is going to deal with Vladimir Putin and chemical attacks on British streets.

“She’s got Boris beside her,” Vicky Pollard, political obsessive, told LCD Views, “so what could possibly go wrong? I mean whenever I hear Boris mentioned I immediately think of killer whales and baby seals. Who is tossing who about here? Ask yourself that. Who is going to lose their nerve?”

Quite what Vladimir Putin will do faced with the collective force and intellectual might of the current piece of furniture Theresa May is in charge of is anyone’s guess.

“He must be well packing it,” Vicky opines, “he’s got elections coming up in Russia soon, so the last thing he needs is a country like the UK getting upset with him. That’s not how he governs. He tries awfully hard to convince Russians everyone is their friend, they are perfectly safe and they should feel more than happy to elect someone else, should they like to.”

Measures under consideration by Theresa May to slap Russia with, should Vladimir Putin not make a fulsome apology and promise never to mess us about again include,

“Wrist slapping. Pretending we don’t want Russian money in London anymore.

Maybe even pulling our football team out of the world cup over there. That’s the big stick. To think he maybe denied the pleasure of watching the English team stagger about and then crash out of the World Cup in his own back yard? You wouldn’t want to miss that!”

Theresa May has given Putin until midnight to make his apology. In the meantime she’s going to attempt once more to work out why her cabinet has so many screws loose.

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One million hungry english children join DUP as crusade for a hot meal gets underway

Prime Minister Arlene Foster was crowing with success this morning after a record number of poor english children joined the DUP in the last twenty four hours, in order to keep access to a hot school meal.

“Isn’t it wonderful?” Ms Foster beamed, “all these children who will now be feed by the right Jesus?”

The surprising recruitment surge for Ms Foster’s party comes on the back of the decision by her deputy, Theresa May, to attempt to rob hot food away from under privileged english children, but maintain it for ones in Northern Ireland, in order to help pay for Brexit.

“It’s part of our commitment in government to keep exactly the same conditions in the union back and forth across the Irish Sea,” Theresa May told reporters, while in theory talking about the £2 billion being spent on civil servants for Brexit.

“It will help us feed all those poor, hardworking civil servants,” Ms May added, “my agreement with Arlene will mean 10,000 state employees won’t have to shell out for lunch. Children in Northern Ireland who need a hot meal will continue to get one, but the same can’t be said for english ones, if I have my way. It’s called honest, upright, caring Conservatism. There is nothing distasteful, cynical or hypocritical about this at all. This is about keeping my party in power. And we all know that is the only thing that matters. The UK can burn for all I care, as long as I am chief arsonist.”

It’s believed a side benefit will also be motivating poor english children to learn the skills needed to survive in a post Brexit economy.

“Smuggling. Bartering. Shoplifting. Running from authority. Being too hungry to do anything but beg for food. They’ll be well prepared for life under the regime coming down the tracks in 2019 like a runaway steam train.”

But what will Ms Foster do with the additional influence the surge in membership gives the DUP?

“I haven’t really thought about it. Probably push to have homosexuality taught as a sin on the flat earth we live on. Also, dinosaurs are right out of the school curriculum now, unless they are used as an example of the devil attempting to trick us. I’m having the time of my life right now. Aren’t you?”

LCD Views is clearly behind the maintenance of school meals for underprivileged children in Northern Ireland, if a developed country can’t care for its most vulnerable, then it is rotten to the core, especially if huge tax breaks continue to be given to tax dodging millionaires, but we must say the hypocrisy of Theresa May and her puppet master across the Irish Sea, such good christians both, does stick in the craw. We commend this statement to the house.

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Home Office orders FA to change name to Soccer Association in prep for US trade deal

Home Secretary Amber Rudd, MP for Bottled Up, has gotten out her big ministerial paddle and slapped the Football Association around the ears today while shouting “YOU ARE NOW THE SOCCER ASSOCIATION”, repeatedly.

”It’s just one of the many tangible benefits of Brexit,” Mr Adobe Onfire, junior minister at the Home Office, told LCD Views,

“as we prepare for a future in which we bend over backwards and forwards to ensure the success of our special friend Donald’s four-four-twenty-two MAGA regime, our national institutions need to evolve.

We expect everyone, most especially the Soccer Association, to give a minimum of 110% to the many changes coming down the line. And everyone is to damn well start thanking God after every conceivable setback.”

It’s believed that by eradicating the world “football” whenever we actually mean “soccer” in our national discourse, Brexitannia will be better placed to strike trade deals that are exceptionally lucrative for the US.

”These deals can be after Brexit, or maybe even before Brexit,” Adobe says, “depending on how many active brain cells Liam Fox has on the day he’s asked to opine on the progress his department is making.”

Changes will be made to the format of soccer games too.

”Cheerleaders. An absolute bucket of them. Dancing and twirling with those little skirts and probably some branded batons.

’Starspangled Spanner’ will be sung by a celebrity before the first pitch in a soccer game.

Goals are now home runs.

And injury time is to be replaced by a drone strike on a middle eastern country.

Penalty shoot outs replaced by multi-ball shoot out bonanzas with bonus points for injuries sustained.

And of course commentary will only be given by old men on toilets tweeting aggressively. It’s got to be max entertainment with super tasty, massive hormone pumped, fried chicken breasts to eat.”

Further exciting changes are expected in other iconic British sports.

”Cricket is going to be called Crickets and games only played in quarters and there must be a winner now.

Cups of tea will be replaced by mugs of coffee, regardless of the age of the drinker (sorry octogenarians) and pavements become sidewalks. It’ll all help show we mean to let Trump do his business on us.”

LCD Views commends the swift play by the Home Secretary in best preparing the United Kingdom for independence from the tyrannical group of parliamentary democracies who for too long have conceded to all our whimsical ways.

We will say it’s a bit curious, changing foot-ball to soccer though, as it’s one word that is already descriptive, in the American way, but we commend this statement to the house anyway. We look forward to the first multi-ball, powerplay madness in the premier league, sponsored by MaxMaxMax CheeseWarehouse – They’ve got the CheeseCheeseDistractingWarCheeseBurgle for You!

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Russia carried out an act of aggression on our soil and we are determined to make a success of it

Theresa May spoke briefly this evening in the House of Commons to reassure Russian President Vladimir Putin that his acts of aggression against Global Britain will not go unrewarded.

“Russia has carried out another act of aggression on our soil, with the attempted assassinations with nerve agent. and we are determined to make a success of healing the targets, so Russia can try again, and of Brexit.”

The Prime Minister went on to say that she would have “Boris ring around the EU27 to pretend to talk about more sanctions against Russia”, but Mr Putin shouldn’t lose any sleep on the issue because “I hardly think the Germans are in the mood to lose billions at our behest again, now that we’ve made Nigel Farage our face to the world.”

The statement is likely to be laughed at by Mr Putin and his friends, who are well aware that using London as an alleged money laundering facility for misappropriated state funds isn’t about to end under the Conservatives.

”May I also reassure our good friends in Moscow that Brexit still means Brexit, even though we know they used digital methods, via social media, to heavily influence the allegedly advisory referendum of 2016. Also, that the Scottish IndyRef was a likely test run of the strategy. But I won’t persoanlly be asking why Alex Salmond keeps popping up on RT.”

Finally the prime minister of the Global Britain added extra reassurance by the ending statement,

”It’s a good thing your flag is the same colours of our own, so everyone knows what I really mean when I say a red, white and blue Brexit.”

After the prime minister commended her statement to the house, leader of whatever passes for an official opposition nowadays, cult leader Jeremy “allotment” Corbyn gave his response.

”I like drinking tea. You can do whatever you like, because I know really, you’re just misunderstood.”

And everyone in Brexitannia slept a little better that night knowing what Global Britain really means. Amen.

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Suez Crisis to be referred to officially as Suez Success now to prepare U.K. for Brexit

The Department for Education has issued a directive today stating that the Suez Crisis is to be referred to officially from now on as the Suez Success, to prepare the United Kingdom for Brexit, from school children up.

”We wouldn’t have triumphed at Suez without the steadfast support of our American allies who rallied the UN to our cause,” S Panker, junior minister at the department said, “it’s just a shame the same can’t be said of the French.”

In addition to the correction of history which “for too long has been viewed in a negative light”, schoolchildren will also be invited to tell their teachers if their parents misunderstand modern British history.

”Say a child is told by their parents that the Suez Success was in fact a crisis, well, Brexit Britain’s government needs to hear about this so the parent can be guided gently back to the right path.”

Gentle guidance may involve unexpected trips to the dentist and time off work.

But why start with the impressionable minds of schoolchildren?

Surely it would just be better to have the BBC produce a serious of re-educational documentaries fronted by John Humphrys, and repeat them as nauseum until everyone has corrected their misunderstandings about the Suez Success?

”We at the Department for Education, working with our colleagues across government, believe it’s best to reshape young minds first.”

Whats your reasoning?

”It’s quite obvious,” S Panker said, “they’re the ones who are going to inherit the mess of the Brexit Success.”

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Chancellor to spend one billion pounds on C R A P

LCD Views is thrilled to have been paid £1M in unmarked bills to run the campaign to raise awareness of Philip Hammond’s planned “Celebrate Rigorous Austerity Parade” or C R A P.

“When I was looking about for a mass media company to engage the public in my CRAP celebration there was only really one name on the short list,” The Chancellor told LCD Views, “you.”

Why not The Sun?

Why not The Daily Mail?

Why not The Express?

“I’ll tell you why not. LCD Views is the only organisation to have posted an even mildly understanding comment about my predicament in the cabinet this year.”

But we’ve been deeply critical of austerity and we spend most of our time Tory bashing? With the occasional break to have a pop at JC the Lord and Saviour…Lexit or the NHS JC.

“Yes, that’s true. But you haven’t tried to murder me in my sleep yet and that’s more than I can say for any member of ERG.

Everyone thinks I’m a grey man with an abacus, but you realise that I am the quiet one everyone needs to watch out for. I appreciate that. Here, have a tax break on paper clips.”

We’re glad to be rewarded for our unflinching loyalty.

“Let’s not go too far.”

So tell us about CRAP?

“Okay. Austerity has been an amazing success.

We nationalised the losses of the true capitalists who otherwise would have suffered for terribly bad investment decisions. These were our friends. You have to look out for your chums in a chumocracy or democracy prevails.”

Ah, well you certainly do look after your mates while in government.

“And when you balance out the damage done to the NHS and public services in general, the booming food bank sector, the working poor, the skeleton of a defence force, the homelessness crisis, the malaise of injustice in the United Kingdom caused by cuts to legal aid, the privatisation of the forensic service which has led to miscarriages of justice, the water utilities whose lobbyists have succeeded in reducing standards so low to funnel taxpayer’s money into tax havens that people recently lost water for four days after a thaw, well, I need to stop crowing about the success of the Caring Conservative Culpability Prerogatives.”

Where’s the balance to all this success? There must be a downside?

“There is one. My friends and the donors to the Conservatives have gained so much wealth via austerity that it’s increased the time it takes to have our expensive accounts and lawyers find extra loopholes in tax legislation, in order to funnel even more money overseas. Of course the offshore tax exile owners of the majority of the media in the United Kingdom have been a great help here.”

They certainly took advantage of the rot austerity has set in to get that Brexit vote in. Now they can take away as much of our rights as they can grab!

“You’re interrupting me.”

Sorry.

“That tax dodging money is predominately held in USD accounts and will be repatriated when it’s time for the wholesale sell off of the NHS after Brexit crashes the economy.

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Jeremy Corbyn for his support on Brexit too. Although I am personally a quiet remainiac. But that’s on the hush hush.

Without the leader of the official opposition whipping his MPs to vote through Article 50, before any preparation had been done for the largest change to this country in decades, well, let’s just say Vladimir and Rupert may have withdrawn their support from our government.”

It’s definitely time for a C R A P parade.

“Let’s celebrate austerity,” Mr Hammond smiles, like an undertaker, “it’s ballooned the national debt in a way the media is helpful never to mention and it’s got us to the brink of fascism in the UK. It’s time for a parade. But not just any parade. A crap parade.”

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Secretary of State for Education to send 52% of population back to school

“Some describe it as the elephant in the room. They see it daily but dare not mention it in public,” these words were spoken by the Secretary of State for Education in an ‘off the mike’ moment on RT Television.

Whilst mainstream media tried to bury the inadvertent gaff, LCD Views turned its searchlight towards Damian Hinds MP to find out more.

“We are bringing back Grammar schools,” said Hinds, “We have all read the Facebook pages and the comments section. There is now irrefutable proof that an overwhelming majority of the UK cannot spell the simplest word correctly.

Whilst I accept the democratic decision of the referendum, it sometimes takes me fifteen minutes to decipher the simplest comment!”

In order to keep a balanced report we sought out a regular 52% comment contributor, Jimmy Wobertson.

“This is the Qweens engleesh we don’t want no forinners messin’ wiv our words. Thats wot brexit is about,” said Jimmy, “we are taken back control of the engleesh langwage. We don’t want no froggy or jerry words furced on us anymure. We want pure engleesh like wot Henry the 8th spoke.”

“When were you at school Jimmy?” we asked.

“Beginnin of the 1980s, in the local comprehensif, it was grate, our teechers had 5 cse’s at best and spent most of there time on strike So I had loadsa time at home playin ping pong on a BBC acorn computer.”

“This is all the EU’s fault,” said Damian Hinds MP, “once brexit is completed, following the open ended ‘implementation phase.’ There will be enough money slushing around in the treasury coffers to issue an AI robot zpell checer for the 52% who voted leave.”

Forget sovereignty or taking back kontrol, we need to return to grammar an skool spelling tests for the written word once more, so we can at least understand the debates on social media. One area in which we can immediately take back control.