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Bombing London like Tetris, jokes Putin

Emboldened by Brexit like a steroidal chihuahua going at a bemused Rottweiler, Theresa May has decided to come all British Empire with Russia.

The attack on a former Russian double agent and his daughter with Novichok has drawn a red line for May. With thoughts of Thatcher and Falklands in mind, and the spirit of a WWWF wrestler called Brexit Basher, the challenge to the Russian federation must seem a welcome distraction from EU negotiations.

Something exciting like a brush with nuclear war, Cold War tensions and a good old-fashioned stand off.

And with a possible GE looming following a stalemate with Brussels, there’s nothing like a tough stand against a foreign foe to put a firework up the poll ratings.

Unfortunately this has just drawn sarcasm and derision from Moscow and not a little amusement behind the scenes.

Putin has joked bombing London would be like playing Tetris.

“We have many different shaped bombs in our arsenal. We have our blocks of empty luxury high rise flats my friends have investments in.

If we can drop them into the gaps we can leave our investments intact. This shouldn’t be a problem with our laser guidance systems.”

Theresa, however, has decided the UK won’t be playing along. The British long game will be a poker face and a bluffed hand.

* Looks down to see she holds three dog eared Uno cards *

Now, to mix things up a little, the U.K. government has called for all its pals to join in for a game of Twister, with Putin not allowed to play.

But Putin doesn’t care, he knows the future lies in video games. He puts another Bitcoin in the slot and furiously fiddles and stabs at the buttons as those coloured squares, crosses, rods and funny z-shape drop neatly into the sky line of London.

Meanwhile Donald Trump is preparing for nuclear Armageddon by challenging Kim Jong-Un to a game of Space Invaders.

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Marvin chosen to park trucks in Kent post Brexit and he’s not impressed

Marvin, the Paranoid Android, has been chosen to park trucks in Kent post Brexit and he’s not impressed.

“I think you ought to know I’m feeling very depressed,” Marvin told us while standing despondently by our water cooler, “When they called me into the prime minister’s office and told me what I would be doing for the next forty thousand years, well, I told them it won’t work.”

They didn’t listen to you?

“No one ever listens to me,” Marvin sighed, “I am at a rough estimate sixty billion times more intelligent than your prime minister. I explained this to her and she just gave me a non-disclosure agreement to sign. It was very depressing.”

But surely you take it as a compliment? It will take more than a genius to solve the border issues in Kent next year.

“You’re not listening either. Neither is your water cooler. I offered them an escape plan, but they just shrugged.”

What ideas did you offer the prime minister?

“A million ideas. Mostly they were about escape, for her. Staying on the path they’ve set for this country points to certain economic death.”

Maybe if you were a bit more upbeat?

“I’m going to spend the next forty thousand years parking trucks in Kent, how upbeat do you suggest I should be? I have a brain the size of a planet.”

What if we let you take our water cooler with you, to keep you company?

“You’re as mean as they are. It’s already ignoring me.”

When do you start work? Isn’t it good to have a purpose?

“I’m just trying to die.”

Oh Marvin. We’re sorry. Goodbye.

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Chris Grayling looks back to hard border solutions of past for key to solving future problems

The Secretary of State for Planking, Chris Grayling, was inhaled as a welcome breath of composting air last night as he dampened the chair normally reserved for Nigel Farage on BBC’s Question Time.

“I had to get out of a dinner date with a gammon sandwich for it,” Grayling told LCD Views when we interviewed him this morning,

“but it’s okay, I hired someone to hire a driver and hire a car and hire a specialist team to go buy some clingfilm and drive to the location where I was meeting the gammon and wrap it up for me.

After that they hired a helicopter and a security detail and took it to a subterranean cold storage unit in Bristol we leased at great expense for safe keeping.

The guards are still on the clock.

But I’ll keep my date unless I decide, even with sensible safeguarding measures, the bread is now a bit stale and bin it.

The taxpayer pays for all my decisions. How nice is that?”

Very nice.

Now Mr Gammon, I mean, Mr Plank, I mean, Mr Graylimb, you spoke last night about solving the hard border issues caused by Brexit, could you expand on that please?

“I have to correct you.”

How so?

“It’s the hard border issues that are being caused by the EU and their over reliance on rules based systems for dealing with complex arrangements involving multiple actors. It’s so old hat.”

I see. Good of you to explain that to me. But even with the unnecessary obstacles thrown up by the European Union, can you explain to us how the government intends to solve the external border issues?

“We won’t have any external borders. It will all be seamless. We’ve been telling you this for donkey’s years.”

But I thought taking back control of our boarders, and anyone else renting a room long or short term, was a key reason for Brexit?

“There is no reason for Brexit. Well, no good one, unless you’re a disaster capitalist who likes dressing up as a fascist for fancy dress parties and revels in the knowledge that you’re every decision is encouraging racists to slowly destroy the moral and ethical fabric of our country.”

Now I’m just confused.

“We’ve looked to the past to solve the future problems. In the past you couldn’t really control your external border and you were surrounded by enemies. We aim to recreate that atmosphere and to feel it in our very streets and homes.”

Now I’m even more confused.

“You will be as soon as you try and get into any English town or city after Brexit and find a great big f*cking wall in your way. ”

Secretary of State for Planking, Chris Grayling, thank you for your time.

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Emperor’s New Clothes store tells best customers it’s running out of stock

The Emperor’s New Clothes, a haberdashery store located near the Palace of Westminster, has had to put a sign up warning its best customers it’s running out of stock.

LCD Views clearly doesn’t have any staff who shop there, so we sent along a correspondent down to the corner of Westminster Green to talk to some customers.

”I’m visibly distressed,” T May told us, “I’ve been shopping here since mid 2016. I buy a new suit every week. I particularly like the up cycled anchor chains they sell as necklaces. They give you a real atmosphere of what it must have been like to be a big ship, the Titanic, for example.”

And she wasn’t the only worried regular.

”Trump’s tariff war means I need a whole new ensemble, again!” a little boy called Liam F told us, “I don’t know how I’ll get us a trade deal if I don’t have the right suit for selling British made goods to tyrants. You know, easy clean stuff, in case you tour a local government facility while visiting.”

There were others too, most notably a bouncing, bullish, blonde chap.

”Now look here, this is fandaggerrel unpatriotic,” Boorish B flamepangled, “I’ve been telling our closest friends and neighbours to go whistle. The map of glorious, never ending gobstopping Global Britain is all pink!

And now I need their help due to a pesky little nervy thing. I need the full Bullingdon kit out to impress Johnny Foreigner!”

It’s clearly a concern. We hope supplies can be swiftly restocked.

”I don’t actually sell them anything,” the proprietor whispered, “they’re all nude!”

Just then we noticed a man with a whiny little voice beseeching a customer service assistant to sell him a pair of boxing gloves.

”This scary sociopath type is threatening to put me in a glass box on his desk!”

It wasn’t going well for him.

”Oh do shut up and go away,” the staff member told him.

We suspect the store will restock soon enough, reality supplies the shop.

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Wales demands inclusion in Englishman-Irishman-Scotsman jokes

There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. We’ve all heard the jokes. But have you ever heard one that includes a Welshman as well?

That is the current topic for discussion in the Welsh Assembly, it would appear. Spokesman Hugh Kyddyng said this at a press conference:

“It’s nothing more than institutionalised racism, excluding the Welsh from these jokes,” he said. “Everywhere it’s an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman, but never do they include a Welshman. They are purposefully excluding us, and we want change.”

He could be right. After all, Wales has never been represented on the Union Jack.

“Don’t get me started on that!” Mr Kyddyng put in when I mentioned this to him. “All they have to do is change the blue bits at the bottom to green and hey presto! But no, nothing. It’s not right.”

Comedy expert professor Joe King had this to say:

“It’s the Rule Of Three, you see. Everywhere in jokes, it’s always things happening in threes. You get the first character to set the norm, then the second to follow it, and then the third does something different to make it funny. With an extra character in the joke, it wouldn’t add anything to the humour content, you see?”

We see.

Welsh comedian Dai Llaffyng was not impressed. “We Welsh are quite happy joking about ourselves without involving foreigners!” he said. “For example, did you hear the one about the Welshman who crossed a sheep with a toilet roll, and invented ewe-tube?!”

We left Dai to chuckle at his own jokes.

There is support for the Welsh case from north of the border. Nicola Sturgeon had this to say:

“If we have a second referendum and vote to leave the UK, then as part of the settlement we shall bequeath to the people of Wales our place in those jokes.”

That will mean the jokes will start, “there was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman.” That would probably work OK.

Meanwhile Irish people both sides of the border are creating jokes about stupid English people.

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Man who crashed a lorry into your house while drunk says you knew what to expect when you bought the property

A man who crashed a lorry into a house while drunk says the owner of the three bed semi knew what to expect when he bought the property.

”The whole front of the house is staved in,” the unfortunate homeowner told LCD Views.

They were clearly doing their best to keep calm, as they paced about with glass from the shattered windows crunching under their shoes.

”When we agreed to move to this new build we were told it would be a lovely community and we’d sense the warmth of traditional values.

The house was supposed to have a conservatory and an en suite and under floor heating. It’s got asbestos wallpaper, which is not lickable and worst of all the plumbing backs up and spews back out over the floor.

None of our friends want to visit either except that crazy distant relative who has the hots for our Nan. It’s a bit off.”

So you’re not happy with the decision to move?

“Look at the state of my house?!!!”

They shouted, as the chimney breast collapsed in a puff.

”They tell us we can’t move back. But I had my mate Dom look at the deeds and he says they’re dodgy as. We’re going to sue.”

Just then the toilet, largely intact still, begun to gurgle.

”Do you hear that? It’s really weird. Whenever that toilet goes off that guy whose been UKIP leader ten times, and now spouts propaganda for someone on LBC, you can hear him doing his radio show whenever the sewerage overflows. It gives me the creeps. Listen.”

They were right.

There’s more too.

“The GP surgery has been sold to Virgin. Southern rail were given the rail service, so that never runs.

And people keep shoving notes written in caps through our letter slot shouting about forming a volunteer neighbourhood watch, and if we don’t agree to patrol the neighbourhood to keep undesirables called snowflakes out then we don’t deserve to eat.

Then another mob, in sandals, keep knocking on the door asking if we’ve heard about the saviour JC and tell us very bluntly if we don’t join with them it’s our fault people are homeless. It’s a bit much.”

But as to the identity of the drunk driver? Who broke their home and laughed?

”It’s the real estate agent who convinced us to sell up and move here in the first place!” the broken home owner fumed, “Figel Narage! Of Cremlin and Narage and Wanks estate agents.”

But what was he doing driving a lorry drunk in the middle of the night?

”Apparnetly he’d been on a bender at the Hate and Fudge and spotted one of his ex-wife’s there who went after him claiming he only married her to get a burgundy passport after Brexit, or something.”

We did speak to Mr Narage but he only gave one statement.

”They knew what they were moving for. I don’t care what it says on the adverts for the house. The deeds have done the job. Best to shred them now. Ha!”

He opened his trench coat and offered us a ‘real’ Rolex next. We declined.

“Anyway,” he went on, “It’s the will of the roads that sometimes houses get smashed apart by drunk con artists in lorries who just happened to have possibly made an absolute mountain of cash on the quiet convincing people to sell excellent homes and buy poorly built new builds without proper planning permission.

They had their eyes wide open. It’s their own fault. Although I’m happy to help arrange a bank transfer via the Crimea if they’d like help refinancing?”

We will pass that along.

“They need to knuckle down and get behind watching the rest of the house collapse so they can pay to rebuild it,” he added, “they knew they were going to be swimming in sewerage or they wouldn’t have agreed to move.”

That all makes sense now. Thank you.

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Look where you could have gone, Satan tells Jim Bowen

Early reports from the afterlife are stating that Bullseye presenter Jim Bowen’s fate has already been decided, and it looks like he’s not going to have to worry about catching cold again.

This news comes straight from the horse’s mouth – or rather the Devil’s. Satan himself was on hand to give an interview.

“Oh yes,” he said. “We’ve just taken on delivery of Jim Bowen. He went through the usual routine of challenging Death for his freedom, but after he lost at Cluedo, Battleships and Twister – not to mention Darts – he’s given up and accepted his fate.”

Evidently Death has been practising since losing at those games back in the 1990s. So what can Bowen expect?

“Well, my demons and I generally do quite a lot of scourging with red hot pokers,” Satan admitted, “but in this case I think we’ll probably throw red hot darts at him instead, on a speedboat of course, on the lake of fire. But for the main torment, I’ve got something very special lined up for him.”

I had to ask what. Satan grinned as he replied.

“Well, you saw the shows,” he explained. “Every week, if the contestants failed to win the star prize, he’d have it wheeled out on stage anyway and say ‘look at what you could have won!’ – kick ‘em when they’re down why don’t you!

So after each regular scourging, I’ll whisk him up to the gates of heaven, and show him the Pearly Gates, and say ‘look at where you could have gone!’ – what more poetic justice could you ask for?”

What more indeed. My eyes are watering at the very idea. All I can say is, good luck Jim.

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Government replaces school lunches for English children with thoughts and prayers

The government has moved swiftly to profit from the chorus of celebration over their decision to take hot school lunches away from a vast number of children whose parents are too lazy to feed them.

“We will be replacing the hot meals with a copy of the bible,” a spokesman for the vicar’s daughter told LCD Views, “We’ve outlined all of the Old Testament in bold, so the children will get the message. And if they don’t we will beat them about the head with the books until they do. Metaphorically of course. We won’t be bringing back corporal or capital punishment until after Brexit.”

It’s hoped with this open handed act the hungry children will fill themselves up with thoughts and prayers.

“Only by following the example of their elected representatives in such matters as want and fasting can underprivileged children in England hope to better themselves,” the spokesman said, “if they don’t study hard and better themselves they’ll end up as the sort of lost causes their parents clearly are, if you are paying attention to our caring conservative agenda.”

We wanted to find out how the children themselves will take the swapping of a  hot meal, perhaps the only one they would have gotten that day, with a big book full of old fashioned words, and lessons Theresa May and Arlene Foster ignore when it suits them for base political reasons.

“What are the recipes like?” Artful Dodger, 10, London, asked.

It’s not a cookbook, we informed him, it’s a book that will teach you how to avoid the pitfalls of decadence and sin that your parents have fallen prey to.

“Oh, but how will I study properly if I am too hungry to concentrate properly?”

We will pass that question along to the two good christians who have stitched up this penny pinching deal to satisfy their party first politics and questionable sense of duty to the less fortunate.

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I want to bring our country together, says woman determined to break it apart

Theresa May is meeting with Nicola Sturgeon and Carwyn Jones to thrash out what Brexit means for the country. There is no representative from Northern Ireland because May is already in Arlene Foster’s pocket.

“Brexit means Brexit,” May will declare, triumphantly. Although this means that the meeting should be over in minutes, Sturgeon and Jones are likely to demand a translation. “Oot means Oot, Jimmy”, and “Brecsit, boyo”, presumably.

Number Ten is now employing escapologists to help May get out of trouble. One of her team, Harry Houdunnit, was sent to explain the Prime Minister’s position.

“Let me be entirely clear about this,” vacillated Houdunnit. “We are leaving. By which I mean, strengthening our union. The balance of power has shifted. Since Foster is a power-hungry opportunist, she wants full devolved powers for Northern Ireland. So to be fair, Scotland and Wales must be treated the same. This isn’t on the record, is it?”

No, no, of course not, we assured him, concealing our miniature recording devices.

“Theresa May is on record as saying that she wants to bring our country together.” Houdunnit continued. “This is why she is encouraging Wales and Scotland to become independent. They will be free to make their own laws and police their own borders. We are taking back control!”

Will England’s closest neighbours be able to rejoin the EU?

“So long as 52% of the people want it,” Houdunnit revealed. “This will give rise to a deep and lasting relationship. The price of whisky and lamb will remain almost unaffected.”

We passed him a spade so he could dig himself into a deeper hole. “Offa’s Dyke and Hadrian’s Wall will be repurposed for the 21st Century,” he shovelled, desperately.  “And Wales and Scotland will pay for it!”

At this point we terminated the interview, as Houdunnit was so deep down that we could barely hear him. It is only a matter of time before he hits the power cable that will terminate him. Dig for Britain!

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Nothing hypocritical about starving kids in England and not in Northern Ireland, says DUP

Arlene Foster, leader of the United Kingdom via the bung Theresa May paid the DUP, has reiterated her firm stance on there being no deviation between Northern Ireland and the United Kingdom in status or law.

“Except for laws concerning abortion, marriage and now I have added whether or not poor children can have a hot school meal to my short list,” Ms Foster told a gathering of journalists at her weekly media session at 10 Downing Street.

“I don’t have a lot of time today, I’ve got to go and have my regular meeting with the Queen,” she added, urging reporters to get their questions in swiftly.

LCD Views had our rookie at the meeting and he asked some pointed questions of the acting prime minister.

“Ms Foster, do you think it will be possible to resume the power sharing agreement, or mandatory coalition in Northern Ireland soon? As it doesn’t seem too mandatory at the moment?” Green Searchlight asked.

Green Searchlight was immediately ejected from the room.

We gathered the rest of our quotations because Sky News reporter Beth Rigby allowed us to photocopy her shorthand notes later. We like Beth.

Asked what other exceptions Ms Foster was planning to add to her list as the DUP tail continued to wag the Downing Street dog, Ms Foster was adamant, as always.

“Dinosaurs. Egg shaped earth. Healing anyone with the wrong Jesus. Acknowledgement of the Oireachtas as governing any inch of the island of Ireland. Pubs that open on Sunday…”

It took the rest of the meeting to compete the list and no more questions were taken.

LCD Views commends the laudable display of economy shown by both Ms May and Arlene Foster. It seems if you put your mind to it you can make one billion pounds stretch a very long way, especially if the person holding the chequebook is terrified of you.

And we state categorically that there is nothing hypocritical or disgusting about two political leaders who profess to having a strong Christian faith doing a bargain that robs potentially a million poor children of a hot meal. It’s actually very traditional for Christian politicians to be screaming hypocrites and we commend this statement to the house.