Early reports from the afterlife are stating that Bullseye presenter Jim Bowen’s fate has already been decided, and it looks like he’s not going to have to worry about catching cold again.
This news comes straight from the horse’s mouth – or rather the Devil’s. Satan himself was on hand to give an interview.
“Oh yes,” he said. “We’ve just taken on delivery of Jim Bowen. He went through the usual routine of challenging Death for his freedom, but after he lost at Cluedo, Battleships and Twister – not to mention Darts – he’s given up and accepted his fate.”
Evidently Death has been practising since losing at those games back in the 1990s. So what can Bowen expect?
“Well, my demons and I generally do quite a lot of scourging with red hot pokers,” Satan admitted, “but in this case I think we’ll probably throw red hot darts at him instead, on a speedboat of course, on the lake of fire. But for the main torment, I’ve got something very special lined up for him.”
I had to ask what. Satan grinned as he replied.
“Well, you saw the shows,” he explained. “Every week, if the contestants failed to win the star prize, he’d have it wheeled out on stage anyway and say ‘look at what you could have won!’ – kick ‘em when they’re down why don’t you!
So after each regular scourging, I’ll whisk him up to the gates of heaven, and show him the Pearly Gates, and say ‘look at where you could have gone!’ – what more poetic justice could you ask for?”
What more indeed. My eyes are watering at the very idea. All I can say is, good luck Jim.