A man who crashed a lorry into a house while drunk says the owner of the three bed semi knew what to expect when he bought the property.
”The whole front of the house is staved in,” the unfortunate homeowner told LCD Views.
They were clearly doing their best to keep calm, as they paced about with glass from the shattered windows crunching under their shoes.
”When we agreed to move to this new build we were told it would be a lovely community and we’d sense the warmth of traditional values.
The house was supposed to have a conservatory and an en suite and under floor heating. It’s got asbestos wallpaper, which is not lickable and worst of all the plumbing backs up and spews back out over the floor.
None of our friends want to visit either except that crazy distant relative who has the hots for our Nan. It’s a bit off.”
So you’re not happy with the decision to move?
“Look at the state of my house?!!!”
They shouted, as the chimney breast collapsed in a puff.
”They tell us we can’t move back. But I had my mate Dom look at the deeds and he says they’re dodgy as. We’re going to sue.”
Just then the toilet, largely intact still, begun to gurgle.
”Do you hear that? It’s really weird. Whenever that toilet goes off that guy whose been UKIP leader ten times, and now spouts propaganda for someone on LBC, you can hear him doing his radio show whenever the sewerage overflows. It gives me the creeps. Listen.”
They were right.
There’s more too.
“The GP surgery has been sold to Virgin. Southern rail were given the rail service, so that never runs.
And people keep shoving notes written in caps through our letter slot shouting about forming a volunteer neighbourhood watch, and if we don’t agree to patrol the neighbourhood to keep undesirables called snowflakes out then we don’t deserve to eat.
Then another mob, in sandals, keep knocking on the door asking if we’ve heard about the saviour JC and tell us very bluntly if we don’t join with them it’s our fault people are homeless. It’s a bit much.”
But as to the identity of the drunk driver? Who broke their home and laughed?
”It’s the real estate agent who convinced us to sell up and move here in the first place!” the broken home owner fumed, “Figel Narage! Of Cremlin and Narage and Wanks estate agents.”
But what was he doing driving a lorry drunk in the middle of the night?
”Apparnetly he’d been on a bender at the Hate and Fudge and spotted one of his ex-wife’s there who went after him claiming he only married her to get a burgundy passport after Brexit, or something.”
We did speak to Mr Narage but he only gave one statement.
”They knew what they were moving for. I don’t care what it says on the adverts for the house. The deeds have done the job. Best to shred them now. Ha!”
He opened his trench coat and offered us a ‘real’ Rolex next. We declined.
“Anyway,” he went on, “It’s the will of the roads that sometimes houses get smashed apart by drunk con artists in lorries who just happened to have possibly made an absolute mountain of cash on the quiet convincing people to sell excellent homes and buy poorly built new builds without proper planning permission.
They had their eyes wide open. It’s their own fault. Although I’m happy to help arrange a bank transfer via the Crimea if they’d like help refinancing?”
We will pass that along.
“They need to knuckle down and get behind watching the rest of the house collapse so they can pay to rebuild it,” he added, “they knew they were going to be swimming in sewerage or they wouldn’t have agreed to move.”
That all makes sense now. Thank you.