LCD Views

Downing Street has burnished its reputation brighter with the world of big, medium and small businesses by announcing patriot medallions for any business which goes bust for Brexit.

“It’s exciting isn’t it?” an aide to the prime minister asked us, “aren’t you excited? Business keep sending these excitable types in to see us demanding clarity. Well, here’s a clarity bomb for you so huge, it will probably wipe out life on Mars.”

We can barely contain ourselves. We have to say.

We’re delaying production of, “Brexit recipes : updated edition now including recipes for cooking only patriotic feelings and cabbage”, so we can include an image of a patriot medallion on the cover.

“See how easy it is to get behind the flag when you have faith?” the aide asked, “If you can’t afford the ink you use to print LCD Views, which we understand is derived from Saiga antelope milk and imported from Carpathia, due to a further devaluation in sterling, and you go bust, you’ll get a shiny medallion you can wear on a ribbon that definitely won’t fray day one!”

The aide went on to say that the right ribbon was being sourced as a matter of urgency for government, as well as putting out to tender the £500M contract to determine which patriotic figure from the United Kingdom’s glorious past will be featured on the observe of the medallion.

“Definitely an English one,” the aide nodded, “I can tell you that for nothing, which is unusual, I’m normally very expensive. But if you can think of anyone not from England who has ever done anything worthwhile, I’d like to hear about it.”

So all is in hand for Brexit?

“Yes. When Nissan choose to stay, when Airbus chooses to stay, when those soft fruit producers who can’t get fruit pickers choose to stay, as everyone will choose to stay, they’ll get a medallion when they have to shutter up due to the financial calamity that will be a successful Brexit.”

Jacob Rees-mogg will present the medallions, hopefully?

“Him and Boris together. It should be a very nice ceremony. It will cost enough.”

But what about people who lose their jobs when the jobs go to the EU27 countries, or the business collapses having exhausted even payday loan lenders?

“They’ll get stickers!” the aide smiled, “we’re already handing those out now. We have been for over a year. It’s a stickers first Brexit and there is no way in hell you can tell me it isn’t worth it.”

 

British foreign secretary Boris Johnson is to take the stage again to empiresplain to India why they should trade more with us than France.

“It’s straightforward fombledozzle logic,” Mini Boris, aide to the foreign secretary, told LCD Views, “these foreign chaps have forgotten who rules the sub-continent. Headings changed on some official documents, but the sun did not set on the British Empire.”

It was good to have that explained, even if Mini Boris did speak rather loud and slowly. We supposed it was to make sure we got it.

“Who has the Kho-i-Noor after all? Ask yourself that!

India is a country whose economy is developing, do you understand dear?

But our economy is simply huge. Dazzling. Almost the biggest economy on earth. This means people will want to trade with us. They will be in a rush to trade with us. We are very impressive. They are learning how to do things. We can help teach them how people give us something and we give them a lot less.

If they won’t give us something we round up all the energetic, rickets ridden chaps from the slums we can, slap a red coat on their back, some cardboard shoes on the feet and give them a rifle. This is called international trade, Global Britain style. What what!”

It’s believed the foreign secretary will make his pitch for India to give us all its treasure, but none of his people, very soon in order to outflank French president Macron’s play for a $118 billion trade deal.

”The French lost India to us the first time and they’ll bally well lose it this round too,” Mini Boris boasted, “you don’t go supplicant, ragged Gallic beret in hand to the subcontinent, you tell them who is boss. They respect that about Brits. You see France had an empire, but we still have an empire.”

Boris Johnson will also play heavily on the easy and smooth transition after World War Two to a symbolic Indian administration of the British overseas territory, believing Modhi needs pulling back into line.

”Theresa May has already sent a shiver up their spines,” Mini Boris adds, “when she flew out there to impress upon the subject state that Global Britain Empire 2.0 is going to take all of their loot again, and you just take your pesky students straight back home to the red fort once they’ve shelled out all their dosh in good old Blighty.

Theresa is especially distrustful of people who look like they weren’t born in an English shire.

Unless, and this is important, unless they have lots of money. She can swallow some of her unease then, long enough to force the Queen to soft power the bejewelled shirts off their backs. This is Brexit.

Even old Corbs is getting into the swing of it, presenting less than 0.2% of the workforce of the UK, those posted worker bees, as some sort of foreign devil come to steal an honest englishman’s horses!”

LCD Views commends the fast and forward thinking approach of our government to what could otherwise turn into a full scale revolt in one of Britain’s most important overseas provinces.

“Got to keep the French out of things, you see? They think they’re being clever, running about the globe, reversing our patronising, deluded and subtly racist offers with open handed ones. But we’re playing the long game. That’s because our blood is cooler.

You see the French tend to get carried away by their passions. They think they’re stealing all the good stuff we’re turfing away like rotten fruit. But we’ll see who comes out on top in the long run.

Australia, Canada, China, we’re having your goodies too and you’ll be damn well chuffed with some RP, a stiff undercurrent of xenophobia and a laminated book about the Queen in exchange.

This is what trade is about you see, you give us something and we give you something less in return. You’ll soon get the hang of it.”

Tally ho!

 

Great news for the city of London today with the exciting announcement that famous tax funded aviator Liam Fox MP is to publicly list his accumulated air miles.

“We’re just cock-a-hoop,” Philip Maay, a trader who manages a small, non-tax paying, private, very private indeed, fund told LCD Views.

“This takes the pressure caused by Brexit right off the city. Forget the constant job losses.

Recently we’ve been forcing the Royals to entertain Saudi princes so thick and so fast they were starting to talk about a merger between the families. May have taken some smooth PR to sell it to the public, but think of all the money? Oil oil oil money. Mmmm.

It seemed the only solution for the Windsors, to both wave at poor people and do their bit as ‘soft power’ with tyrants.

It’s a key royal activity that. Talking executioners into throwing great mountains of blood money into the capital. Sometimes they even have to play polo sober. It’s a hell of a sacrifice for the country.

But plucky Liam has played a blinder with this one. Ever since he was given charge of the white elephant Department for International Trade, he’s invested heavily using public funds into air miles. Really canny stuff. Business class all the way.

People said he had nothing to show for it? Well, look here now! This is going to be one bull of a market.”

The value of stocks listed on the LSE is expected to triple, perhaps even quadruple the instant the listing goes live.

There is no fear of a crash in value either, the rising cost of air travel for British citizens caused by Brexit calamities will mean the air miles hold their value, never stop accumulating and are likely to be a boom unseen in modern times.

LCD Views commends Liam Fox MP for his vision and courage in helping to provide a contingency for the fiscal future of the United Kingdom.

God only knows what shape the country’s finances would be in if Liam Fox MP had never been involved spending millions.

Break open your rainy day money and pile it in the moment Liam Fox’s air miles go live!