Posted on

BBC Radio 4 triggers emergency Brexit news blackout in response to EU ‘Ireland First’ declaration

The BBC Radio 4 political reporters are in lockdown after triggering an emergency Brexit news blackout in response to the EU’s ‘Ireland First’ declaration yesterday afternoon.

“We established the protocols early last year when we signed up to Brexit mind, body and spirit,” said Nick Robinson, political editor on the failing Radio 4 flag dingy programme ‘Today’,

“we don’t care anymore that it’s an agenda of lies to profit wannabe fascists and money launderers, allegedly, and we should be interrogating the living hell out of it.

We just care that it matches the sentimentality we feel about having to stand in food ration queues with our mums when we were boys. Ah, the wellspring of youth.”

At least that’s what we think he said.

He was knee deep in terror with his colleagues, hiding in the walk in fridge the programme editors store Iain Duncan Smith in, when he’s not wanted to bluff and dissemble on behalf of the great leap backward.

“But while we prepared protocols for how to react if ‘things got a bit sticky with the Brexit’,” Robinson continued, “We didn’t think what we would do after the lockdown. How to actually get out of it?”

It’s believed playing endless patriotic songs is the most likely avenue out of the fridge.

“We’ve hidden the EU’s ‘Ireland First’ declaration down in the Northern Ireland sub-section of UK news for the moment, to give us plausible deniability against accusations of not covering the story.

But there is no way in hell we are mentioning it until we can find a suitable way to link it to assertions that the ‘EU is doing itself more harm than us’ by seeking to protect the peace in Northern Ireland.

Also, this is ‘just the EU’s opening gambit’. They’re rattled. And other favourites from Brexit bingo. Stick with us. We’ll find a way. Humphrys is flying back on a RAF jet from a stone rolling contest right now.”

Nick Robinson went on to further express his gratitude that Donald Trump has delivered a double whammy of distraction in the last twenty four hours, by twinning trade war with a promise to talk to Kim Jong-un.

“I almost achieved a state of near perfect elevation when I heard the news,” Robinson said, “there is little chance of Trump following through, he’s just looking to distract with a penny rocket, but boy, being able to obsess on that story and not mention the EU starting the process of bringing down the brave, noble, beautiful, wise, all powerful, lying, economically insane administration of Theresa May? What a relief.”

Nick stepped back from the fridge door at that point so a cook could open it and get a slab of butter out.

Before asking his colleagues again what sort of immigrant they really like?

Does anyone else get the feeling the BBC will also find itself hauled in front of parliamentary committees in the years to come, and asked as the public broadcaster, how it failed to properly investigate the sham and con job of Brexit?

“I’ll be retired to the south of France by then!”

Yes. Thanks Nick. Keep up the good work. A narrow cabal in the Tory party needs you and your team to keep wearing blinkers. Oh, and the Lexiters, they need you too.

Posted on

Theresa May to call snap GE to lose more MPs so she can finally quit

Theresa May is to build on her party’s general election success last year by calling a snap GE, to lose more MPs so she can finally quit as prime minister.

”She’s fed up with waiting about looking a complete and utter plank,” Damien Green MP told LCD Views over breakfast at the Ritz.

”She fully expected to have been able to hand Brexit to Johnson and/or Gove by now.

She’s read out every inane and self-contradicting statement they ask of her. But still she’s the one holding the Brexit can. It wasn’t the deal.

Rees-mogg could be leader if he wants. Theresa isn’t bothered, if our party is as insane as everyone suspects and goes for it.

But no one will actually put the knife in. People just keep waving daggers about and shouting. Bunch of pussies. She’s fed up.”

It appears the prime minister is further encouraged to call a snap GE by the endless run of lost council seats in by-elections.

”We just keep getting panned. The Libdems are getting 40-50% swings in a lot of by-elections.

This explains the extraordinary denigration reserved by Momentum activists for anyone they suspect of not backing Saint Jezza online. Don’t question Jezza and Brexit, unless you’ve already turned off your twitter notifications.”

But how many seats would May need to lose to get out of office?

”Her own would be the jackpot!” Damien hooted, “failing that? Twenty to thirty would be brilliant. But ending in a dead heat with Labour is the real risk.”

Why’s that?

”Those trots ruining Labour don’t want government. They’re enjoying the perks of being the official opposition for eternity.

You can’t tell me they couldn’t have pushed the whole rotten Tory cabal out of office by now by merely half heartedly opposing Brexit. Not voting through article 50 before any preparation was done would have nailed it. But they seized the chance of the endless struggle.”

What are you really saying?

“Jeremy Corbyn doesn’t want to be prime minister. He’s an old man. He wants to be a figurehead and sail about kissing hands.”

So the risk is what exactly?

”Labour will refuse to govern as a coalition. And we’ll be stuck holding the wrong end of the stick until we burst into flames and burn the country to the ground.”

Call it then!

”We will. Just as soon as we’ve worked out the catchphrase and worked up a new policy as sufficiently barmy as the dementia tax. That was a stroke of genius. It almost nailed the last defeat to the floor for us.”

Posted on

Remainers prepare to leave EU with stocks of Marmite and baked beans

Remain voters are stockpiling typically British foods in readiness of Brexit. This septic isle, they believe, will probably be plunged into a massive depression. Well, that’’s what happens if you fall off a cliff edge.

Small-scale smuggling of Marmite already takes place, in a small way. Expats living the life of Riley in southern France and Spain expect their relatives to bring supplies when they visit. Jars of the precious brown nectar are concealed in hand luggage and disguised as fake tan.

The writing is on the wall (sponsored by Donald Trump). Those who can read the runes believe that the message is clear: the only people to benefit from Brexit are the vultures who stand to pick over the carcass after the event. The rest of us, who gives a hoot?

Government officials insist that the message is, everything is fine, get patriotic and get thee behind us, Satan. To put it more succinctly, we won, get over it.

The situation is clearly untenable. So disappointed Remainers plan to stay in the EU by emigrating from the UK. They are planning to utilise their burgundy EU passports before they are forcibly downgraded to the blue UK variety. Everybody wins.

Unfortunately, Europeans do not understand British delicacies. Other culinary icons being hoarded in preparation of exile include HP Sauce, Real Ale, and Cornish pasties. Canny operators are making sure that they have enough supplies of exemplary British cuisine to last, while they get accustomed to having to eat garlic, snails, and frogs’ legs.

So expect booze cruises to be replaced by pasty pilgrimages and baked bean beanos. Watch Brits currently living The Good Life slowly become bon viveurs. Très bien, what, old bean?

It only remains to point out that the Remainers will remain by leaving, leaving the Leavers to leave by remaining.

Posted on

Brexit toilet paper sales stop after discovery it’s made of 99% horseshit and 1% powdered glass

LCD Views is facing an emergency situation in the WC at work today after we reluctantly heeded the advice of consumer watchdogs and stopped the sale of Brexit toilet paper in our office toilet.

“It seemed a sensible free market solution to the mysterious issue of staff overusing office supplies,” Gary Searchlight shrugged, “we make the staff pay for it sheet by sheet.”

Coincidentally, Gary is the member of parliament for Bogland, a Legatum employee, an ERG member, a possible Kremlin stooge and the purchasing manager at LCD. None of this is a conflict of interest.

“Forcing the staff to purchase sheet by sheet meant they felt a sense of personal responsibility, they were key stakeholders and didn’t just flush roll after roll of our hard earned money down the loo, when it was supposed to be diverted to a tax haven.”

So what went wrong?

“Nothing, in theory.

We outsourced the loo roll supply to foreign majority owned firms, so we could more easily send the profits from the privatisation of the toilet paper through a fun series of bank accounts ending in Panama.

We allowed individual staff members to pay for the Brexit toilet paper by docking everyones’ wage, regardless of the amount they used, to be fair.

This may have impacted negatively on the interns, who are dirt poor, but it taught them to work harder before they had a ‘personal space movement development ease episode’.

We ran endless workshops to re-educate the staff on the correct deployment of Brexit toilet paper too. We worked up mission statements. It was very distracting.

After a while we introduced a new rule that a qualified professional needed to change empty “sanitation empowerment facilities”, or bog rolls in old money, which led to some delays at times, but was clearly safer. Everyone could see that. Every year we doubled the number of professionals needed to do it. And we had to train them. It was expensive, but worthwhile.

So we had to charge more for the toilet paper to cover the increased costs of maintenance of the system.

We essentially invented a whole new industry out of changing the toilet paper. It did wonders for the outflow inflow workflow of our accountant and CFO.

What we didn’t expect were the lobbyists who continually presented magic charts and backhanders over curries that proved we could incrementally reduce the service formula criteria of the composition of the Brexit paper, while still maintaining minimal satisfaction levels for all key stakeholders, i.e., anyone who needed a poo. It was almost like it was all a set up job.

This led to increased competition in our one WC, for different grades of toilet paper, that were incidentally more profitable to supply. Which coincidentally increased the amount of money we sent overseas.”

So what’s the matter? This all sounds like a dream?

“Brexit toilet paper, released onto the British and European market by FarageCon, BanksCon, HannanCon, RedwoodCon, Rees-moggCon, JohnsonCon, HoeyCon, DavisCon and FoxCon some years ago, it’s failed. 100% failure. Oh, and it’s now so expensive we can’t maintain the system any longer by just increasing the ‘responsibility levy’ the staff pay.”

Omg! How did it fail?!

“It’s been discovered it’s now composed of 99% horseshit and 1% powdered glass.”

Isn’t it the same formula as when they first released it onto the market?

“No. Back then it was 100% sovereignty. That doesn’t chaff your bum half as much. Actually polishes it up nicely.

But this latest formula, while more profitable for the concerned democrats selling it, and loved by the red top tabloids, it’s causing a complete failure in all toilets and we’ve had to order an immediate cessation in use of the Brexit paper until we can work out who to sue for all the bleeding bums and blockages.”

So what will the staff do in the interim?

“Who cares. It was never about the staff. Go to the loo before you come to work I’d say. Then hold fast and wait for the stomach pains to pass.”

Posted on

Crown prince of Saudi Arabia meets British Prime Minister Arlene Foster

The crown  prince of Saudi Arabia Mohammed bin Salman met with British Prime Minister Arlene Foster at 10 Downing Street earlier today to talk about how many bombs he would like to buy to continue peacekeeping efforts in Yemen.

”They also talked about religious fundamentalism,” our Downing Street correspondent reveals, “with the Saudi Prince gently encouraging Ms Foster to perhaps update her knowledge of when the world was made and how.”

Other issues covered were democratic reform, again the crown prince did his best to steer the British PM away from her traditional notions of how to conduct parliamentary democracy, to something more twenty first century.

Although neither could keep a straight face when the subject of blackmail came up.

Enquiries why Mohammed bin Salman choose to meet with Arlene Foster, and not her subordinate Theresa May, as initially scheduled, were met with a brisk reply.

”The Prince doesn’t waste his time making small talk with petty functionaries. He talks with the seat of power.”

It’s hoped the British trip will make the prince swoon and promise to bankroll Britain post Brexit, so long as we don’t quibble about all the death stuff.

The meeting followed an earlier breakfast with Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace.

Reports suggest the prince struggled to hide his disdain for the little “city crash pad” and its lack of a functioning execution block.

”How do you rule if you don’t chop off heads?” he is said to have asked in bemusement, but the Queen just smiled wistfully while Prince Charles muttered in a corner.

”It’s believed the Queen did ask the crown prince to convey a personal message to the British PM on her behalf.”

Which was?

”She is believed to have said ‘one has already gotten one’s EU flag hat out once, to make one’s views on Brexit plain,” our correspondent says, “one doesn’t expect to have to do it again’.”

Posted on

British man identified with so much nerve he’s immune to nerve agent attack

The frenzied work to ensure British subjects at least were immune to the nerve agent used on the weekend to attack the Russian double agent bore fruit today with the identification of a British man who has so much nerve he’s immune.

“The individual is a bullish, middle aged, blonde man who luckily is already in the employ of the state and can thus more readily be tested in the hope of developing a potion to defend all,” an Mi5 researcher told LCD Views on the promise on anonymity.

But Agent Smiles how did you identify the individual so quickly?

“We simply did a trawl through the publicly available media reports of bombastic improvisation artists who charge about the political china shop smashing anything worthwhile to pieces,” the anonymous spy revealed, “it didn’t take long to identify the individual. Minutes actually.”

But Agent Jeremiah Smiles of 54 Woosingham Close how can you convert the nerve of this man into a defensive measure?

“We’re going to take a sample of his blood and homoeopathically dilute it into a sprayable solution that will be exploded above the United Kingdom and dispersed by natural weather patterns over the entire landscape.”

Thank you Agent Jeremiah A. Smiles of 54 Woosingham Close, Dorseter, your dark hair and curiously pointy ears are very reassuring.

“My pleasure, now if you don’t mind I’ve got to help prepare a series of media releases that should keep Brexit at item two or three of the news cycle for a week.”

But critics of the strategy have raised concerns that spraying a solution of this individual across the country risks turning the United Kingdom into one complete idiot.

We asked a defence spokesman from Downing Street to rebut that concern.

“What’s to worry about? We’re already at that stage. Have you looked at over riding domestic and foreign policy lately?”

Posted on

Leaked U.K. draft guidelines for EU trade negotiations reveal only two written words “wing” and “it”

LCD Views has another scoop today after the reassurance we are the only global news organisation to have received the leaked U.K. draft guidelines for EU trade negotiations. We can tell you now that they reveal there are only two written words in the entire one thousand page document, “wing” and “it”.

We must confess to being shocked anything had been written down, but just as excited to have the scoop.

“We had to produce a fat document,” the whistleblower from DExEU explained, “the EU is always slapping these bloody phonebooks down on the table full of words, charts, numbers, projections, legal nonsense. It’s a bit daunting for David Davis.”

This is because David Davis has a unique way of negotiating, that serves very well for internal Tory Party politics?

“Yes. He gets insecure colleagues so drunk they’ll start to gossip. Once he has what he needs he says, ‘I’m just ducking to the chapel to alleviate the bursting mains’, and saunters off into the night.”

So why isn’t this tried and tested strategy working with Barnier and Junker, Tusk and the like?

“They can hold their liquor. Especially Junker. Fearsome. Never accept one of his wagers based on a drinking contest! You’d have to be insane. He’ll have the shirt off your back,” our insider says, “no, David Davis can’t use his only strategy, even if he could match them glass for glass.”

Why not?

“Because they aren’t concerned about his ability to influence their career trajectory. He can bluff and bluster all he likes, but he’s got nothing on them.

Actually, with Brexit, the entire UK can’t touch anyone of course.

You wait until we have our sovereignty that we never lost back, and start getting screwed over at the WTO by little countries no one has ever heard of, but who have not forgotten Empire 1.0. Brexit is just the beginning of the end, and it’s going to take a very, very long time.”

Well now he’s armed with a negotiating strategy he’ll be able to match them. He’ll be able to force Nissan and Airbus and the rest to stay in the United Kingdom after Brexit.

“I suspect those companies will make decisions based on where they can pick enough cherries to actually stay in business,” our whistler shrugs, “but at least now Davis has a tried and tested strategy he’ll be able to make it up as he goes along for the rest of the negotiations.”

So no change here then. And this was supposed to be a scoop! Let’s keep calling it one anyway. LCD Views advises Davis to go for the drinking contest! At least then he’ll be playing to his one strength.

 

Posted on

Laboratory tests on Brexit find it instantly dissolves money and jobs on contact

Great news today from the world of financial hygiene with the discovery that Brexit instantly dissolves money and jobs on contact.

“It’s important to get the nature of Brexit nailed down in the lab before we start live field tests,” chief scientist Professor David Davis told LCD Views, “if we release a serum like this into the population, claiming it is a cure all for whatever you suffer from, we need to know what it will do to people and the wider environment.”

The care being taken to test Brexit fully before it is used will reassure many, especially some quisling critics who seem determined to undermine the release of this exciting new way to clean out jobs and money, which are just crowding out all the sense of fun and peril in the UK.

“Don’t listen to the doubters,” Professor Davis advises, “when has Britain ever failed at anything ever in recent years? We’re not about to start now.

We’ve already solved homelessness with a serum that makes it more popular to be suspicious than to enquire.

We’ve dealt with aspirations about home ownership by opening up the bedrooms of parents to people who had already moved out of home, they can just move back in and have a roof over their head. All they have to do then is wait to inherit whatever is left of their parent’s estate after care costs.

It’s clear the water utility shareholders have thrived since privatisation. Just look at all the wonderful wellsprings about the country today?

Why should Brexit be any different?”

Brexit is expected to be on the shelves shortly. If you’re feeling overwhelmed at work and don’t like your boss, if you’re worried about your mortgage repayments with rising costs of living in general?

“Don’t worry,” Professor Davis says, “Brexit will wash any employment and financial concerns you have right away! Instantly and on contact.”

 

Posted on

Bacteria break silence to complain about comparisons to jailed leaders of Britain First

A varied collection of gut bacteria have broken their traditional silence today to complain about comparisons to the jailed leaders of Britain First.

“We have had enough of this,” Firmicutes announced, at a press conference held inside the intestine of a middle aged lady, “we get these comparisons between ourselves and Britain First every time those racist, knuckle draggering shitbunglers break into the news for whatever wannabe fascist stunt they’ve pulled now. It’s not fair. We won’t stand for it anymore.”

Firmicutes wasn’t alone. Minutes after it made the statement, it was joined by Actinobacteria, talking while helping digest a poached egg in the gut of a child of eight.

“Do you acknowledge the good I do? I’m at work right now in a child’s gut helping turn the breakfast it was prepared into energy so it can get through to lunch and all I read on social media is people calling me names? This stops now!”

Ruminoccocus, Peptococcus and others joined the call just as readily in what has been described by people making the comparisons, food for thought.

LCD Views has recently been guilty ourselves of such provocative statements directed at the unicellular success stories of the evolutionary struggle and we would like to make a fulsome and hearty apology. Bacteria may have less cells but they are clearly more evolved than any member of Britain First.

Furthermore we promise to find more fitting analogies in the future.

“Compare them to poo,” Bifidobacterium suggested, before adding, “and while you are at it can I please have a new name that doesn’t include bloody ‘bifi’ in the handle?

If I get called ‘biffer’ by a lab technician one more time you can damn well deal with this bit of left over steak stuck in a fold of intestine yourself.”

We will pass the suggestion along to the relevant authorities, thank you for your time and efforts on the behalf of humanity. At least we can all smile at the knowledge Jayda and Paul will be in single cells for a spell.

“No problem. Now chuck another cup of coffee down, will you? I’m parched.”

Posted on

Video evidence emerges proving EU need U.K. more than U.K. needs EU

The EU was instantly on the back foot after Donald Tusk’s desperate release of their unrealistic and bullying trade negotiation guidelines today as a video emerged of innocent BMW’s being drowned in a prosecco lake.

LCD Views received the video tape from a secret sauce that maybe tomato, but is more likely sweet and sour.

We will be uploading the damning video on all our platforms, just as soon as we have finished bidding for a third hand Betamax on EBay, and sourced a power cable for it.

”I can describe the heart rending scenes, if you’re sitting down?” Green Searchlight offered,

“make sure you have a glass of water or a gallon of vodka handy though. It’s one of the most edifying things I’ve ever seen. It broke our old state of the art Betamax player. I only managed to get the tape out before it burst into flames. So hot is the evidence that the EU is bluffing. That everything they’ve said is just an opening gambit. That a jobs first Brexit is the least we can expect.”

We’re ready.

”Okay. Most of it is filmed in infrared so it’s actually green,” Green begins, “you can see them leading a line of freshly painted BMW’s, just off the production line, down towards this shimmering lake.

It’s moonlight.

By the size of the moon I reckon this act to hide surplus luxury cars, that were once destined for the UK market, happened under the recent super moon.”

Green paused for a while, just to feel smug about Saint George, before continuing.

”One by one the BMW’s are pushed, pulled and dragged into the prosecco. It’s clearly a desperate attempt by the unelected, tyrannical, deluded plutoautomotocrats that run the megasuperstate EU, to hide the evidence of just how much the EU needs the UK.

If this video gets out on social media the EU is finished in the Brexit negotiations.

They will be forced to bend over and give us everything we demand.

Bespoke cherrycake and pie in sky mix on the table, no rules to follow, no money to pay. They’re over.

The farce of the last two years, during which they have repeatedly said the same stock thing each time one of our diversity loving, open handed, pluralistic public servants made a reasonable offer to help them out after we leave will be laid bare for all to see.”

Green stopped. He could smell the British victory that is now so near to hand.

LCD Views would like to thank the noble British heroes who got this damning EVIDENCE that the Brexiters are right into our hands.

Just wait until you see it.

The EU’s farcical red lines are dust.

England will surely win the battle of Britain now.

We will have our cakes and we will keep them, at least until they go mouldy and we realise we should have eaten them.

Who are you going to sell your cars to now EU? Who is going to drink that prosecco? Who is going to cut up the brie? If you’re lucky, in time, we’ll give you a jar of our jam.