The BBC Radio 4 political reporters are in lockdown after triggering an emergency Brexit news blackout in response to the EU’s ‘Ireland First’ declaration yesterday afternoon.
“We established the protocols early last year when we signed up to Brexit mind, body and spirit,” said Nick Robinson, political editor on the failing Radio 4 flag dingy programme ‘Today’,
“we don’t care anymore that it’s an agenda of lies to profit wannabe fascists and money launderers, allegedly, and we should be interrogating the living hell out of it.
We just care that it matches the sentimentality we feel about having to stand in food ration queues with our mums when we were boys. Ah, the wellspring of youth.”
At least that’s what we think he said.
He was knee deep in terror with his colleagues, hiding in the walk in fridge the programme editors store Iain Duncan Smith in, when he’s not wanted to bluff and dissemble on behalf of the great leap backward.
“But while we prepared protocols for how to react if ‘things got a bit sticky with the Brexit’,” Robinson continued, “We didn’t think what we would do after the lockdown. How to actually get out of it?”
It’s believed playing endless patriotic songs is the most likely avenue out of the fridge.
“We’ve hidden the EU’s ‘Ireland First’ declaration down in the Northern Ireland sub-section of UK news for the moment, to give us plausible deniability against accusations of not covering the story.
But there is no way in hell we are mentioning it until we can find a suitable way to link it to assertions that the ‘EU is doing itself more harm than us’ by seeking to protect the peace in Northern Ireland.
Also, this is ‘just the EU’s opening gambit’. They’re rattled. And other favourites from Brexit bingo. Stick with us. We’ll find a way. Humphrys is flying back on a RAF jet from a stone rolling contest right now.”
Nick Robinson went on to further express his gratitude that Donald Trump has delivered a double whammy of distraction in the last twenty four hours, by twinning trade war with a promise to talk to Kim Jong-un.
“I almost achieved a state of near perfect elevation when I heard the news,” Robinson said, “there is little chance of Trump following through, he’s just looking to distract with a penny rocket, but boy, being able to obsess on that story and not mention the EU starting the process of bringing down the brave, noble, beautiful, wise, all powerful, lying, economically insane administration of Theresa May? What a relief.”
Nick stepped back from the fridge door at that point so a cook could open it and get a slab of butter out.
Before asking his colleagues again what sort of immigrant they really like?
Does anyone else get the feeling the BBC will also find itself hauled in front of parliamentary committees in the years to come, and asked as the public broadcaster, how it failed to properly investigate the sham and con job of Brexit?
“I’ll be retired to the south of France by then!”
Yes. Thanks Nick. Keep up the good work. A narrow cabal in the Tory party needs you and your team to keep wearing blinkers. Oh, and the Lexiters, they need you too.