The frenzied work to ensure British subjects at least were immune to the nerve agent used on the weekend to attack the Russian double agent bore fruit today with the identification of a British man who has so much nerve he’s immune.
“The individual is a bullish, middle aged, blonde man who luckily is already in the employ of the state and can thus more readily be tested in the hope of developing a potion to defend all,” an Mi5 researcher told LCD Views on the promise on anonymity.
But Agent Smiles how did you identify the individual so quickly?
“We simply did a trawl through the publicly available media reports of bombastic improvisation artists who charge about the political china shop smashing anything worthwhile to pieces,” the anonymous spy revealed, “it didn’t take long to identify the individual. Minutes actually.”
But Agent Jeremiah Smiles of 54 Woosingham Close how can you convert the nerve of this man into a defensive measure?
“We’re going to take a sample of his blood and homoeopathically dilute it into a sprayable solution that will be exploded above the United Kingdom and dispersed by natural weather patterns over the entire landscape.”
Thank you Agent Jeremiah A. Smiles of 54 Woosingham Close, Dorseter, your dark hair and curiously pointy ears are very reassuring.
“My pleasure, now if you don’t mind I’ve got to help prepare a series of media releases that should keep Brexit at item two or three of the news cycle for a week.”
But critics of the strategy have raised concerns that spraying a solution of this individual across the country risks turning the United Kingdom into one complete idiot.
We asked a defence spokesman from Downing Street to rebut that concern.
“What’s to worry about? We’re already at that stage. Have you looked at over riding domestic and foreign policy lately?”