Prime Minister Arlene Foster was crowing with success this morning after a record number of poor english children joined the DUP in the last twenty four hours, in order to keep access to a hot school meal.
“Isn’t it wonderful?” Ms Foster beamed, “all these children who will now be feed by the right Jesus?”
The surprising recruitment surge for Ms Foster’s party comes on the back of the decision by her deputy, Theresa May, to attempt to rob hot food away from under privileged english children, but maintain it for ones in Northern Ireland, in order to help pay for Brexit.
“It’s part of our commitment in government to keep exactly the same conditions in the union back and forth across the Irish Sea,” Theresa May told reporters, while in theory talking about the £2 billion being spent on civil servants for Brexit.
“It will help us feed all those poor, hardworking civil servants,” Ms May added, “my agreement with Arlene will mean 10,000 state employees won’t have to shell out for lunch. Children in Northern Ireland who need a hot meal will continue to get one, but the same can’t be said for english ones, if I have my way. It’s called honest, upright, caring Conservatism. There is nothing distasteful, cynical or hypocritical about this at all. This is about keeping my party in power. And we all know that is the only thing that matters. The UK can burn for all I care, as long as I am chief arsonist.”
It’s believed a side benefit will also be motivating poor english children to learn the skills needed to survive in a post Brexit economy.
“Smuggling. Bartering. Shoplifting. Running from authority. Being too hungry to do anything but beg for food. They’ll be well prepared for life under the regime coming down the tracks in 2019 like a runaway steam train.”
But what will Ms Foster do with the additional influence the surge in membership gives the DUP?
“I haven’t really thought about it. Probably push to have homosexuality taught as a sin on the flat earth we live on. Also, dinosaurs are right out of the school curriculum now, unless they are used as an example of the devil attempting to trick us. I’m having the time of my life right now. Aren’t you?”
LCD Views is clearly behind the maintenance of school meals for underprivileged children in Northern Ireland, if a developed country can’t care for its most vulnerable, then it is rotten to the core, especially if huge tax breaks continue to be given to tax dodging millionaires, but we must say the hypocrisy of Theresa May and her puppet master across the Irish Sea, such good christians both, does stick in the craw. We commend this statement to the house.