Posted on

Government replaces school lunches for English children with thoughts and prayers

The government has moved swiftly to profit from the chorus of celebration over their decision to take hot school lunches away from a vast number of children whose parents are too lazy to feed them.

“We will be replacing the hot meals with a copy of the bible,” a spokesman for the vicar’s daughter told LCD Views, “We’ve outlined all of the Old Testament in bold, so the children will get the message. And if they don’t we will beat them about the head with the books until they do. Metaphorically of course. We won’t be bringing back corporal or capital punishment until after Brexit.”

It’s hoped with this open handed act the hungry children will fill themselves up with thoughts and prayers.

“Only by following the example of their elected representatives in such matters as want and fasting can underprivileged children in England hope to better themselves,” the spokesman said, “if they don’t study hard and better themselves they’ll end up as the sort of lost causes their parents clearly are, if you are paying attention to our caring conservative agenda.”

We wanted to find out how the children themselves will take the swapping of a  hot meal, perhaps the only one they would have gotten that day, with a big book full of old fashioned words, and lessons Theresa May and Arlene Foster ignore when it suits them for base political reasons.

“What are the recipes like?” Artful Dodger, 10, London, asked.

It’s not a cookbook, we informed him, it’s a book that will teach you how to avoid the pitfalls of decadence and sin that your parents have fallen prey to.

“Oh, but how will I study properly if I am too hungry to concentrate properly?”

We will pass that question along to the two good christians who have stitched up this penny pinching deal to satisfy their party first politics and questionable sense of duty to the less fortunate.

Posted on

I want to bring our country together, says woman determined to break it apart

Theresa May is meeting with Nicola Sturgeon and Carwyn Jones to thrash out what Brexit means for the country. There is no representative from Northern Ireland because May is already in Arlene Foster’s pocket.

“Brexit means Brexit,” May will declare, triumphantly. Although this means that the meeting should be over in minutes, Sturgeon and Jones are likely to demand a translation. “Oot means Oot, Jimmy”, and “Brecsit, boyo”, presumably.

Number Ten is now employing escapologists to help May get out of trouble. One of her team, Harry Houdunnit, was sent to explain the Prime Minister’s position.

“Let me be entirely clear about this,” vacillated Houdunnit. “We are leaving. By which I mean, strengthening our union. The balance of power has shifted. Since Foster is a power-hungry opportunist, she wants full devolved powers for Northern Ireland. So to be fair, Scotland and Wales must be treated the same. This isn’t on the record, is it?”

No, no, of course not, we assured him, concealing our miniature recording devices.

“Theresa May is on record as saying that she wants to bring our country together.” Houdunnit continued. “This is why she is encouraging Wales and Scotland to become independent. They will be free to make their own laws and police their own borders. We are taking back control!”

Will England’s closest neighbours be able to rejoin the EU?

“So long as 52% of the people want it,” Houdunnit revealed. “This will give rise to a deep and lasting relationship. The price of whisky and lamb will remain almost unaffected.”

We passed him a spade so he could dig himself into a deeper hole. “Offa’s Dyke and Hadrian’s Wall will be repurposed for the 21st Century,” he shovelled, desperately.  “And Wales and Scotland will pay for it!”

At this point we terminated the interview, as Houdunnit was so deep down that we could barely hear him. It is only a matter of time before he hits the power cable that will terminate him. Dig for Britain!

Posted on

Nothing hypocritical about starving kids in England and not in Northern Ireland, says DUP

Arlene Foster, leader of the United Kingdom via the bung Theresa May paid the DUP, has reiterated her firm stance on there being no deviation between Northern Ireland and the United Kingdom in status or law.

“Except for laws concerning abortion, marriage and now I have added whether or not poor children can have a hot school meal to my short list,” Ms Foster told a gathering of journalists at her weekly media session at 10 Downing Street.

“I don’t have a lot of time today, I’ve got to go and have my regular meeting with the Queen,” she added, urging reporters to get their questions in swiftly.

LCD Views had our rookie at the meeting and he asked some pointed questions of the acting prime minister.

“Ms Foster, do you think it will be possible to resume the power sharing agreement, or mandatory coalition in Northern Ireland soon? As it doesn’t seem too mandatory at the moment?” Green Searchlight asked.

Green Searchlight was immediately ejected from the room.

We gathered the rest of our quotations because Sky News reporter Beth Rigby allowed us to photocopy her shorthand notes later. We like Beth.

Asked what other exceptions Ms Foster was planning to add to her list as the DUP tail continued to wag the Downing Street dog, Ms Foster was adamant, as always.

“Dinosaurs. Egg shaped earth. Healing anyone with the wrong Jesus. Acknowledgement of the Oireachtas as governing any inch of the island of Ireland. Pubs that open on Sunday…”

It took the rest of the meeting to compete the list and no more questions were taken.

LCD Views commends the laudable display of economy shown by both Ms May and Arlene Foster. It seems if you put your mind to it you can make one billion pounds stretch a very long way, especially if the person holding the chequebook is terrified of you.

And we state categorically that there is nothing hypocritical or disgusting about two political leaders who profess to having a strong Christian faith doing a bargain that robs potentially a million poor children of a hot meal. It’s actually very traditional for Christian politicians to be screaming hypocrites and we commend this statement to the house.

Posted on

Conservatives to stop taking donations from Russian oligarchs in anything other than unmarked bills

The Conservative Party has issued a new directive to greedy party figures that they are to stop taking donations from Russian oligarchs in anything other than unmarked bills.

“It’s a fierce reaction to this inconvenient scandal involving the nervy agent thingy,” Party tsar Boottle Augustus Norman Invasion Statute-of-Labourers-Brexit-1351 told LCD Views,

“I expect we can resume taking standard money transfers in a week or two, once the aluminium lady has finished blowing hard at old Poots. We certainly shouldn’t rush into any of that Magnitsky stuff.

Imagine the devastation to landlords if we stopped allowing masses of money from oligarchs in states that don’t have a functioning rule of law coming into the capital and buying up oodles of new flats they have no intention of ever allowing anyone to live in? It could be devastating.”

Queries have also been raised over the access of eyewateringly wealthy figures to the executive, with one such individual apparently shelling out £30,000 for lunch with the Secretary of State for Defence.

“Nothing to see there, move along, just because a minister of state is having a standard twenty course lunch with champers with a man who may have become insanely wealthy through means not exactly standard, is not reason not to tighten our state control over the media, post Brexit. It’s not corrupt. It’s business as usual.”

None the less, the party of government will have to do something?

“I’ll correct you there, you silly little peasant, I know this is beyond your ken, as my ghillie tells me every year when I fail to catch a salmon, we have to be seen to be doing something. It’s a key difference.”

So how will donations be made from now on?

“Oh, by reviving the old tradition of the brown paper bag I expect. Although personally I prefer the unmarked bills in a lockable briefcase.”

Posted on

May replete now she has has done something naughtier than running through the wheat

“I am replete,” Theresa May said after winning her Commons showdown on school meals, “I am stuffed to the brim with pride. My Christian heart is full to satisfaction. What a good Vicar’s daughter am I.”

The reason for this feast of self congratulation was the defeat of a Labour motion in the Commons to protect the hot school lunches of one million poor children.

”This might be a little bit naughtier than running through the wheat?” Theresa May smirked, “the parents of those children have been taught a lesson about caring conservatives now.”

The stunning victory was secured in the awareness the SNP would not be voting on this English matter, and quite a bit of advanced menu planning for the votes.

”Those Old Testament types, the DUP, they agreed not to oppose my feast or famine penny pinching, see? We did a deal that Northern Ireland could keep the meals and England could not.”

Well, this is a fine example of the DUP meaning what it says about exact same conditions between their place and ours.

But how do you explain it to such a multitude of hungry little kids, whose only hot meal a day you may well have taken away?

”It’s simple. Traditional Victorian values, don’t you see?”

Do go on you old wheat stomper you.

”The poor children in Northern Ireland are the deserving poor.”

And the poor children in England?

”The poor children in my Victorian universe,” May went on to say, “why those one million are deserving of me. Because of the way their parents vote, don’t you see?”

Posted on

Boris Johnson to ride bareback and shirtless around Hyde Park to show Putin what he’s dealing with

Boris Johnson has announced his intention to ride bareback and shirtless around Hyde Park, to show master poisoner Vladimir Putin what he’s dealing with if he continues to mess about with Global Britain.

Speaking as he saddled his steed for the event, a bare chested Mr Johnson sounded upbeat.

“This is cherry picking at its fandiggly finest,” the statement led to calls for Mr Johnson to put his shirt back on, but he was unrepentant, “once I jiggle and wiggle and bomdoddle doddle about the lush, green and pleasant lawn of England’s capital city that dastardly Russian chap will beg us to send our footie boys to his golden palladium in the snow.”

It’s not clear if the ride was agreed with the prime minister beforehand. There are rumours that the foreign secretary has gone rogue again.

“Ms May is seething about it,” a rumourmonger told us, “she was planning to do exactly the same thing dressed Boudicca. Boris has buggered it all up. This really does confirm the rumours that he listens to her planning meetings outside of the office at 10 Downing Street with a glass pressed to the door.”

The outing by Mr Johnson will be broadcast live on the BBC with appropriately patriotic music.

“I’ve heard they’re getting some pipers in and they’ll be in the nude. Completely starkers. We know Vlad’s bearskin style and we’re going to show that fellow who’s buffer when it comes to international rows about minor issues to do with knocking off spies.”

We understand there will be popcorn available from stands along the route Boris is to ride and that he will do it without a saddle, just his big, hearty thighs gripping the sides of a thirty four year old horse, chosen for its age, to make it less likely Boris will get thrown off. Although the horse may not survive.

“I’ve heard that Theresa is so chip spitting furious she’s going to go Boudicca and challenge him to a chase. She’s going to quiz him in public about how he got a Russian first name and an American surname!

Get your selfie sticks out and get to Hyde Park and get in the picture. They’re doing this for Global Britain. Ride Boris! Ride!”

Posted on

Leader who can’t control a piece of furniture to boss autocrat with lots of nukes

The United Kingdom was feeling warm, very warm and high temp cosy today secure in the knowledge that Theresa May is going to deal with Vladimir Putin and chemical attacks on British streets.

“She’s got Boris beside her,” Vicky Pollard, political obsessive, told LCD Views, “so what could possibly go wrong? I mean whenever I hear Boris mentioned I immediately think of killer whales and baby seals. Who is tossing who about here? Ask yourself that. Who is going to lose their nerve?”

Quite what Vladimir Putin will do faced with the collective force and intellectual might of the current piece of furniture Theresa May is in charge of is anyone’s guess.

“He must be well packing it,” Vicky opines, “he’s got elections coming up in Russia soon, so the last thing he needs is a country like the UK getting upset with him. That’s not how he governs. He tries awfully hard to convince Russians everyone is their friend, they are perfectly safe and they should feel more than happy to elect someone else, should they like to.”

Measures under consideration by Theresa May to slap Russia with, should Vladimir Putin not make a fulsome apology and promise never to mess us about again include,

“Wrist slapping. Pretending we don’t want Russian money in London anymore.

Maybe even pulling our football team out of the world cup over there. That’s the big stick. To think he maybe denied the pleasure of watching the English team stagger about and then crash out of the World Cup in his own back yard? You wouldn’t want to miss that!”

Theresa May has given Putin until midnight to make his apology. In the meantime she’s going to attempt once more to work out why her cabinet has so many screws loose.

Posted on

One million hungry english children join DUP as crusade for a hot meal gets underway

Prime Minister Arlene Foster was crowing with success this morning after a record number of poor english children joined the DUP in the last twenty four hours, in order to keep access to a hot school meal.

“Isn’t it wonderful?” Ms Foster beamed, “all these children who will now be feed by the right Jesus?”

The surprising recruitment surge for Ms Foster’s party comes on the back of the decision by her deputy, Theresa May, to attempt to rob hot food away from under privileged english children, but maintain it for ones in Northern Ireland, in order to help pay for Brexit.

“It’s part of our commitment in government to keep exactly the same conditions in the union back and forth across the Irish Sea,” Theresa May told reporters, while in theory talking about the £2 billion being spent on civil servants for Brexit.

“It will help us feed all those poor, hardworking civil servants,” Ms May added, “my agreement with Arlene will mean 10,000 state employees won’t have to shell out for lunch. Children in Northern Ireland who need a hot meal will continue to get one, but the same can’t be said for english ones, if I have my way. It’s called honest, upright, caring Conservatism. There is nothing distasteful, cynical or hypocritical about this at all. This is about keeping my party in power. And we all know that is the only thing that matters. The UK can burn for all I care, as long as I am chief arsonist.”

It’s believed a side benefit will also be motivating poor english children to learn the skills needed to survive in a post Brexit economy.

“Smuggling. Bartering. Shoplifting. Running from authority. Being too hungry to do anything but beg for food. They’ll be well prepared for life under the regime coming down the tracks in 2019 like a runaway steam train.”

But what will Ms Foster do with the additional influence the surge in membership gives the DUP?

“I haven’t really thought about it. Probably push to have homosexuality taught as a sin on the flat earth we live on. Also, dinosaurs are right out of the school curriculum now, unless they are used as an example of the devil attempting to trick us. I’m having the time of my life right now. Aren’t you?”

LCD Views is clearly behind the maintenance of school meals for underprivileged children in Northern Ireland, if a developed country can’t care for its most vulnerable, then it is rotten to the core, especially if huge tax breaks continue to be given to tax dodging millionaires, but we must say the hypocrisy of Theresa May and her puppet master across the Irish Sea, such good christians both, does stick in the craw. We commend this statement to the house.

Posted on

Home Office orders FA to change name to Soccer Association in prep for US trade deal

Home Secretary Amber Rudd, MP for Bottled Up, has gotten out her big ministerial paddle and slapped the Football Association around the ears today while shouting “YOU ARE NOW THE SOCCER ASSOCIATION”, repeatedly.

”It’s just one of the many tangible benefits of Brexit,” Mr Adobe Onfire, junior minister at the Home Office, told LCD Views,

“as we prepare for a future in which we bend over backwards and forwards to ensure the success of our special friend Donald’s four-four-twenty-two MAGA regime, our national institutions need to evolve.

We expect everyone, most especially the Soccer Association, to give a minimum of 110% to the many changes coming down the line. And everyone is to damn well start thanking God after every conceivable setback.”

It’s believed that by eradicating the world “football” whenever we actually mean “soccer” in our national discourse, Brexitannia will be better placed to strike trade deals that are exceptionally lucrative for the US.

”These deals can be after Brexit, or maybe even before Brexit,” Adobe says, “depending on how many active brain cells Liam Fox has on the day he’s asked to opine on the progress his department is making.”

Changes will be made to the format of soccer games too.

”Cheerleaders. An absolute bucket of them. Dancing and twirling with those little skirts and probably some branded batons.

’Starspangled Spanner’ will be sung by a celebrity before the first pitch in a soccer game.

Goals are now home runs.

And injury time is to be replaced by a drone strike on a middle eastern country.

Penalty shoot outs replaced by multi-ball shoot out bonanzas with bonus points for injuries sustained.

And of course commentary will only be given by old men on toilets tweeting aggressively. It’s got to be max entertainment with super tasty, massive hormone pumped, fried chicken breasts to eat.”

Further exciting changes are expected in other iconic British sports.

”Cricket is going to be called Crickets and games only played in quarters and there must be a winner now.

Cups of tea will be replaced by mugs of coffee, regardless of the age of the drinker (sorry octogenarians) and pavements become sidewalks. It’ll all help show we mean to let Trump do his business on us.”

LCD Views commends the swift play by the Home Secretary in best preparing the United Kingdom for independence from the tyrannical group of parliamentary democracies who for too long have conceded to all our whimsical ways.

We will say it’s a bit curious, changing foot-ball to soccer though, as it’s one word that is already descriptive, in the American way, but we commend this statement to the house anyway. We look forward to the first multi-ball, powerplay madness in the premier league, sponsored by MaxMaxMax CheeseWarehouse – They’ve got the CheeseCheeseDistractingWarCheeseBurgle for You!

Posted on

Russia carried out an act of aggression on our soil and we are determined to make a success of it

Theresa May spoke briefly this evening in the House of Commons to reassure Russian President Vladimir Putin that his acts of aggression against Global Britain will not go unrewarded.

“Russia has carried out another act of aggression on our soil, with the attempted assassinations with nerve agent. and we are determined to make a success of healing the targets, so Russia can try again, and of Brexit.”

The Prime Minister went on to say that she would have “Boris ring around the EU27 to pretend to talk about more sanctions against Russia”, but Mr Putin shouldn’t lose any sleep on the issue because “I hardly think the Germans are in the mood to lose billions at our behest again, now that we’ve made Nigel Farage our face to the world.”

The statement is likely to be laughed at by Mr Putin and his friends, who are well aware that using London as an alleged money laundering facility for misappropriated state funds isn’t about to end under the Conservatives.

”May I also reassure our good friends in Moscow that Brexit still means Brexit, even though we know they used digital methods, via social media, to heavily influence the allegedly advisory referendum of 2016. Also, that the Scottish IndyRef was a likely test run of the strategy. But I won’t persoanlly be asking why Alex Salmond keeps popping up on RT.”

Finally the prime minister of the Global Britain added extra reassurance by the ending statement,

”It’s a good thing your flag is the same colours of our own, so everyone knows what I really mean when I say a red, white and blue Brexit.”

After the prime minister commended her statement to the house, leader of whatever passes for an official opposition nowadays, cult leader Jeremy “allotment” Corbyn gave his response.

”I like drinking tea. You can do whatever you like, because I know really, you’re just misunderstood.”

And everyone in Brexitannia slept a little better that night knowing what Global Britain really means. Amen.