LCD Views

The British political establishment was in a celebratory mood today, ably assisted by interesting interpretations on BBC Radio4 PM programme, as the EU announced it had agreed the guidelines for telling the United Kingdom exactly what it will do in the next stage of Brexit.

“Theresa May is bloody relieved I can tell you,” Downing Street insider Ms Getme Outnow told LCD Views, “she’s been fretting like mad that they’d keep her waiting till Monday and she’s just lost without EU setting out nice, easy to follow instructions for when and how she will concede and rub out her red lines. It’s nice to have a voice of sanity when you’re nominally in charge of an insane government.”

It’s believed the agreement on the guidelines will also give certainty to businesses of all sizes in the United Kingdom, anxious to know exactly when to strap on their parachutes as the UK’s combined political establishment hurl the country over the Dover cliffs.

“Let’s just hope no one brings up the Irish Border again,” Getme said, “because it’s bloody unsolvable. So we hope to take that little problem over the cliff with us.

That’s not to say the inheritance millionaires running England have an imperial mindset towards the Irish and couldn’t actually give a shit what happens over there.

They really do have a more compassionate state of mind. They anticipate the Irish buckling under and doing what they’re told by people like Rees-mogg. So it’s all going to be fine. Also, there is absolutely no threat to all the rights built up for the common man over the last several decades.”

It’s expected Ms May and her ministers will study the EU’s new do’s and don’ts for them going forward.

“I do hope their reading comprehension is better this time. The EU has essentially been saying the same thing for nearly two years, because they can, because they’re half a billion people almost and the most powerful trading bloc on earth. At least they’re staying polite. Which is more than we can say for Boris.”

Asked for comment on how Labour sees the latest development in the UK being lead like a confused and lost child to the end of its economy, a Labour spokesman said,

“Jobs first Brexit. Oh, and we’ve just sacked Owen for thought crime on Brexit.”

Jobs first Brexit continues to make about as much sense as Brexit means Brexit.

Nigel Farage is the focus of a cross Europe police hunt this morning after smashing up the Gutenberg press to protest the decision by the Home Office to award manufacture of the patotriotic blue passport to a Franco-Dutch business, and not a British one with a French name.

”Europol issued the arrest warrant shortly after 5am for a man described as a human ashtray made from reptile skin, slippery, shadowless, hollow, deeply hypocritical and clutching a German passport in one hand and a hammer in the other,” LCD’s cultural Luddite correspondent reports.

CCTV footage shows the man swaying on the pavement outside of the museum in Gutenberg at 4am, shouting at passers by and demanding bags of money in either roubles or Euros, and also demanding to be shown the location of the nearest Belgian waitress.

”The hammer is believed to have been made in China,” our correspondent continues, “although it’s expected Mr Farage will write Sheffield on the expenses form.”

Questions why an elder statesmen of British political life would indulge in criminal behaviour and damage a priceless cultural and technological artefact from European history haven’t been asked.

”He was happy to stand in front of a billboard mirroring Nazi propaganda during the EUref campaign.

Her Majesty’s Government was happy to validate his agenda and make it our international policy, the leader of the official opposition has also aligned himself with all this by backing Brexit, so smashing up an invaluable tool for sharing knowledge is not exactly surprising.

More so, given the current policy foundations of Westminster decision making are predominantly ignorance and magical thinking, which is Brexit.”

But it’s bekeived Mr Farage’s protest will have one exciting outcome.

”It shows everyone, everywhere that Global Britain is not to be messed with. We’re going to lay out new rules for trade deals and people are going to sign up. If they don’t Nigel will pull a stunt and that’ll learn ‘em.”

LCD Views commends Nigel for his courage and we believe with this symbolic act of destruction he has rewritten European history, again.

Brexit Dad Figel Narage is very upset about the future of fishing in UK waters. Feeling a responsibility to do something, he has taken a one-man stand. Narage is taking his son fishing by the local canal.

Narage’s protest stems from the concession of fisheries policy. The UK has gloriously taken back control by permitting the EU to dictate fisheries policy during the Brexit transition phase.

Narage’s near namesake, Nigel Farage, the face, voice and empty bank account of UKIP, has done his bit by attending as many as one out of 42 fisheries committee meetings.

Clearly, Farage’s valiant efforts have been in vain, so Brexit Dad is taking up his mantle. Armed with only a big stick with a string tied to it, and a butterfly net, Narage and son are Fishing For Britain.

“It’s my way of making a difference,” claimed Narage, from under a dripping umbrella. “The EU cannot impose quotas on British waterways! And there is no way I am chucking any back in, so there.”

Brexit Dad impaled another maggot on his home-made fish-hook and cast off hopefully. A partly-submerged shopping trolley and a solitary duck gazed back.

How much have you caught? we asked Figel junior, sitting sullenly in the drizzle.

He lifted the net. “Nothing,” he moaned. “We’ve been here hours. I’m dripping wet and freezing cold. I want to go home and play GTA 5, but Dad says I’ve got to stay.”

“Isn’t this great?” said Figel senior, ignoring his son. “I think we’re really bonding here. We will go home as soon as we have caught enough fish for tea.”

“I don’t even like fish!” wailed Figel junior.

The gifted British amateur is beating the so-called experts at their own game. We left Figel senior and junior to dissolve in the rain on principle.

Meanwhile, we heard a rumour that Mrs Narage, Krystyna, and her daughter Figella, were stuffing their faces at a friendly, European-owned Italian restaurant. But steering clear of the fish.

The Houses of Commons has moved to get back on the front foot today after Nigel and Jacob’s fishy Thames stunt.

“We can trump that,” Iain Duncan Thick told LCD Views, “we’re currently arranging to micturate on the rights of 65M people plus.”

In what has been called “the great micturation bill”, more commonly known as the EU Withdrawal Stitch Up, Parliament will collectively tear up the right of everyone in the United Kingdom to travel, live, love, study and retire on the continent of Europe.

“We’ll make a serial chancer like Nigel throwing some dead fish into the Thames look like a cheap, unintentionally honest publicity stunt,” Iain Duncen Smith continued, “imagine the look on the face of a family when they borrow the money at ever rising interest rates to have a much needed break on the Costa del Sol, only to discover there are irregularities with their visa and they have to turn about and fly back home on the overpriced charter flight?”

This sounds like Global Britain will be a place people will notice.

”They will certainly point at us!” Irritable Duncen Shite agreed, “especially when a lorry bringing food relief from France breaks down leaving Dover and we all start eating our neighbour’s pets. Best to practice now looking honest when you say you haven’t seen Felix or Rex.”

But do you think all the MPs elected to use their best judgement can piss on the rights of 65M people at once?

”We may have to form an orderly queue and go one by one. Trench coats will be on hand for modest men and she-wee’s for the ladies. It’ll be a hoot, just like the ceremony after to start scrapping all that EU red tape.”

You mean legislation protecting people’s human rights, workplace rights, gender equality rights, safety standards, environmental protections and so forth?

”Yes. That’s what Brexit means. Make sure you wear a zippered fly for the ceremony. It’s going to be a celebration of the traditional values of disenfranchisement of lower orders for the enrichment of a few.”

Global Britain.