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Long grass warns it’s about to die for lack of sunlight due to political fly tipping

An environmental study conducted by Cambodge University has warned that extensive political fly tipping by the UK’s governing DUP party, and their junior coalition partners the Conservatives, is now killing the long grass of British politics.

“We were shocked,” lead researcher, Professor G Election, told LCD Views, “we expected some browning in patches, as you always get that from lack of sunlight with localised build ups of dumped political problems, but what we found was extensive bleaching and die off on a scale that is unprecedented.”

But what is the cause?

“Predominately it’s the Irish Border problem. The coalition government at Westminster is simply unable to find a solution that both appeases Prime Minister Arlene Foster’s adherence to ideological dogma, regardless of the risk to the GFA, and adheres to international law. So they keep throwing the problem back into the long grass, but each time they do it’s bigger and more urgent and smothers more of the grass.”

What else did you find in there?

“Pretty much the entire Conservative cabinet is in the long grass in one form or another. This is to do with the bald faced lying that is now common practise for ministers of state. But how to fire them and keep Theresa May in office? Well, that’s a pickle for another day.”

I suppose there were other issues too?

“Yes. How not to destroy 80% of the British economy by leaving the single market. Remember the Chinese told us, in the EU the UK is a door to Europe. Out of the EU, the UK is just a door.”

What do you advise we do about it? Healthy long grass is a vital part of a functioning political life, necessary sometimes to buy time to solve complex problems.

“Well, at the moment it’s just being utilised to ignore complex problems while the government phones anyone they can think of who may know how to work magic.”

What’s your solution?

“Stop Brexit. Put all of Brexit into the long grass. The sunlight will kill it fast and it will break down rapidly. Basically it’ll become compost once it’s decomposed and the long grass will soon regrow to be used by the next generation.”

Is it that easy?

“Yes. We just say, given all the lies and the likely malign interference in the actual campaign, and the clear risk to the United Kingdom by pursuing Brexit, which is the greatest mis-managed privatisation programme of our time, we are simply stopping it. Which we can do. We’ve been told by our friends in the EU this time and again.”

I’m sure Jeremy Corbyn will bring this up at the next PMQ’s.

“Sorry. If you’re going to make jokes I’m going to have to terminate this interview.”

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First shipment of blue passports stuck in 10 mile truck tail back at Dover

Calls for increased tariffs on French Brie and Dutch clogs today as reports state the first shipment of potatriotic, British blue passports are stuck in a ten mile truck tail back at Dover.

The hold up occurred after the firm responsible, Franco-Dutch printers, Gelato, refused to pay the 500% tariff imposed on imported paper products by Brexminster.

”The driver of the lorry carrying the passports said he was under orders not to use the ‘express’ customs lane and its smart tariff payment system, as the processing fee added to smart payments by the British based sub-contractor responsible for processing was more than the tariff imposed,” passport specialist Paper Mashe told LCD Views, “which is a shame as the tail back in the express lane is usually only nine miles and not ten.”

It appears the driver turned off his engine and said he would have to wait for clearance from head office.

”But this only increases the cost as G4S, since winning the contract to manage the seamless border, have been actively clamping any vehicle moving slowly enough for their parking enforcement sub-contractors, Balls-Up, to get a clamp on.

It’s understood the clamp won’t be removed until the fine has been paid to Balls-Up’s sub-contractor for collections, Big Harry.

But as Big Harry was last seen drinking with his old flame Krystal late last night at the Fudge n Duck, no one expects him to surface until tomorrow, when they’ve run out of gear and he surfaces to score.

Unfortunately that’s nornally when Krystal slinks away and Harry returns to find the hotel room empty, damaged. This will trigger a five day bender ending in arrest after violent disorder in an off license in Enfield, where he first met Krystal all those years ago.”

So not much hope of getting those passports through Dover in time for the patriotic Brits who have booked for a holiday abroad this month?

”Not unless Scotland relaxes the hard border it recently imposed with England after Boris Johnson wouldn’t shut up about Culloden. They also cancelled all visas issued to English citizens, excepting the Cornish who are in open revolt.”

Will Boris apologise? Will Cornwall lay down their arms?

“Boris never has yet. He’s unsackable, even as the petition calling for his firing now has the signatures of over two billion people world wide. And the Cornish situation has only worsened recently as Jacob Rees-mogg, since seceding with Somerset, has arranged his militia on the border, it’s said with the tacit support of Westminster.”

So you’d advise people to plan on a staycation this year?

”Yes. Just like every year since we regained our independence from what, no one is quite sure anymore.”

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Biggest brain in Britain burning the midnight oil to dream up something dumb to say tomorrow

A report just to hand says the biggest brain in Britain will be burning the midnight oil tonight to dream up something dumb to say tomorrow.

The brain, more commonly known as Bojo the Clown, or Boris Johnson MP for Wtf, is said to be uncertain comparing Putin to Hitler will carry enough headlines tomorrow.

”He’s got to get Ken Livingstone on the blower,” distraction specialist Aded Feline told LCD Views, “if you’re going with WW2 references Ken is the master.”

It’s not clear if Mr Johnson will double down on today’s diplomatic coup tomorrow though.

”It’s a line call. Now that Russia’s greatest democrat has successfully gained re-election by beating himself he probably has little interest in keeping the song and dance improv show going with Downing Street.”

Nigel Farage and Rees-mogg did help out today by symbolising the waste and idiocy of Brexit, but it’s up to Boris to fulfil his primary function in office and capture the headline tomorrow.

”He’ll be hard at it. He’ll be reading the classics right now, absorbing none of the lessons, and preparing to deliver a winning quotation that will have the MSM swarming after him.”

It’s thought the pressure is at one of its highest levels for sometime as this shambles of a government and tits on a bull Labour leadership together take the U.K. to clusterf*ck levels not seen for years.

”This Cambridge Analytica story has everyone jumpy. Senior members from the Conservatives are all throw the shadowy, anti-democratic data mining, psyops companies. We can not have the focus on that.”

At least Boris can thank his Brexiteering colleague, leader of whatever it is that passes for an official opposition today for not asking about Cambridge Analytica at PMQ’s today.

“Bloody SNP did though. Traitors. They’re subverting the will of the people by suggesting the will of the people may have been subverted. Vince won’t stop bringing it up either. Some democrat he is.”

Good luck Boris, you’re going to need it, any day now that strong breeze is going to blow the house of cards you charge around in down.

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Food bank advocate Jacob Rees-mogg says watching Nigel Farage throw away food was very uplifting

Britain’s greatest food bank advocate Jacob Rees-mogg, MP for Want, says watching Nigel Farage throw away food this morning was very uplifting.

”To see such a staunch advocate of 0.5% of the economy, people he really, really cares about, just throwing their produce away in a wanton display of waste almost made me incandescent in the downstairs,” Jacob told LCD Views, detouring on his way to a fish eugenics conference.

”It must have been what watching Jesus divide up a fish and some bread was like back in the 19th century when women didn’t talk; the birth of the world. I’m a little muddled. It was really something.”

The choice to waste food in public, in a country where Jacob’s government has seen working poverty and food bank use grow at a rate only matched by his investments offshore in a dodgy Russian bank, and to use the produce of the industry they’re pretending to care about, and make that an animal used as a symbol of Christianity and charity, is certainly a devious and heedy mix.

”Doing it near the Houses of Parliament just deepens the public relations coup,” Jacob adds, “last week my government voted to take away hot food from potentially 1.8 million poor children, and here I am today applauding food waste! Huzzah!”

It was certainly a stirring sight.

”Uplifting is the word I choose,” Jacob clarified, “outside Westminster we I eat on the public purse one moment and damn to penuary the next? What better choice.”

LCD Views commends the courage of Jacob and Nigel, to have fronted a lie for so many years now, and to continue to do it even now they’re exposed, that takes a special sort of individual.

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The last known Brexit promise has died in captivity

The United Kingdom was in mourning today as the last known Brexit promise was reported to have died in captivity.

Brexit poacher turned gamekeeper while still poaching, Jacob Rees-mogg, is to bury the dead promise in a tearful ceremony in the Thames.

”We’ve had to hire professional mourners,” the MP for Emerging Markets told LCD Views, “as it was difficult to find anyone still credulous enough to get onto a boat with myself and Nigel now.”

Still, the ceremony is to mimic the one in which Nigel Fartage (never has been and never will be an MP) and everyone’s favourite fairy tale stepmother, Kate Goey (needs sacking Vauxhall, wake up now) paraded the promise on its capture in 2016.

”I wouldn’t say mimic, so much as mock,” Rees-mogg clarifies, “I hope it doesn’t take too long as I’m itching for another vote in the Commons to push Britain closer to Dickensian England.”

The death of ‘take back control of fishing’ is the last, following in a sad parade of extinction that began the moment the ink had dried on the EUref ballot papers in June 2016.

”We’ve killed them off one by one in as humane a manner as possible,” Jacob said, adjusting his specs and smirking, “the lower orders are so touchingly gullible, I’m amazed this farce is still going on.”

But what will you and other leading Brexiters do now the Brexit safari park is empty?

”Oh, we will start blaming the EU and the remoaners. Talk about fifth columnists and attempts to subvert the will of the British people, while attempting to avoid public inquiries resulting from the revelations of just how rigged things have become now that the Cambridge Analytica story has broken.”

This seems sensible. Sovereignty died with the Brexit White Paper, as we never lost it. The NHS funding promise died the moment the bus was parked. Control our borders was shot and butchered by the reality of physical space required, and the necessity of JIT manufacturing methods and how trade works in general in the 21st Century. Global Britain has been shown to be the imperial clothing set we knew it was. Strike new trade deals by losing all the ones we have? Who the hell ever believed that?

”Many did dear fellow,” Jacob smirked again, “It’s nice to have an electorate with so many pockets of desperation to take advantage of. And the irony, when you consider you helped create the sorry conditions to begin with. I do laugh with my chums at the club.”

I bet it’s rauccous with disdain. Strange how the last known Brexit promise was unable to keep its species alive. Lies normally beget more lies.

”Yes, quite, now do you mind, Ive got to go and waste fish in the Thames to better honour the uplifting presence of food banks.”

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Will moves to distance himself from the people after Cambridge Analytica revelations

LCD Views has an exclusive interview to print, broadcast and give away from the back of lorries today like some rag called The Metro.

”Will, of the people, has moved to distance himself from the people after the Cambridge Analytica revelations,” Rosie Searchlight explains,

“it’s highly probable the people will have something bad to say about Will, so we thought we’d let him get in first before he hears what they say.”

So it’s not a rebuttal?

”Of course it’s a rebuttal, Will has been spying, data mining, going through the trash of and eavesdropping on the people for years now, it’s not like he needs to hear what they’re going to say to rebut what they’ll say.”

Actually that makes sense.

So when are we printing the interview?

“He said he’d drop it over after he finishes shredding every bit of paper in his office and home, car and second cousins house. And burning all his computer servers.”

But don’t you need to look like you’ve interviewed him?

”Of course not. I agreed to allow an app called ‘Kittens! Kittens! More kittens!’ access to my Facebook profile back in 2010. Will knows everything I fear. He’ll know what I want to hear.”

It sounds like you’ll be leaving us for a job on Newsnight or one of the BBC Radio 4 flagship political spots soon.

“Oo! Do you think so? I’ll ask Will what the producers at the Beeb are thinking about me when he drops by.”

But doesn’t the data mining scandal put another set of concrete shoes on the feet of Brexit? We all know Will of the people is overwhelmingly in support of getting our sovereignty back.

”Not if Will can burn all the evidence first. And besides, thanks to Will’s legitimate work analysing the personal preferences, likes and dreads of the people supporting Brexit, he’s got them in emotionally. They will cling on stubbornly to stop other emotions taking over.”

Other emotions like what?

”The sense of being completely and utter conned, lied to by elected representatives and generally made a total ass.”

It sounds like the people need to distance themselves from Will too.

What emotion will this realisation of a con and stitch up presented as democracy cause?

”Embarrassment. Shame. Self loathing. Anger and probably self-pity. I can’t be certain how the duped people will react. Some will just tune out in response. Others may switch and work to take down the lying bastards who’ve tried to strip away their democracy though. Hopefully enough to make a change. Welcome those people.”

I know who will can ask, to find out who will do what.

”Yes. Will, he knows already.”

What about the gutless politicians who have gone with the “will of the people”?

”You mean like Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn and others?”

Yes.

”If they’ve half a brain they’ll see this as a get out of jail card.”

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May to make a success of solitaire now she’s lost the shirt off everyone’s back at poker with EU

Theresa May was in fighting form today after the last breakthrough round of poker against the EU in the Brexit negotiations.

”I and my party maybe gambling the shirts off everyone’s backs and losing them in poker with the EU, due to only havig a pair of twos versus their full house, she began, chest pumped like her heels outside Downing Street,

“But we promise you we will make a success of Brexit solitaire, just as soon as it is certain no one from Europe wants to play with us anymore.”

But critics have leapt at the Prime Minister for the telling qualification.

”Forget the European Union, they’re a failing superstate, they’ll be gone in ten years. I’m damn sure the USA will want to play defence budget snap or farm animals or dangerous chemicals with us after Brexit,” A Disaster-capitalist MP said,

“and with the amount of dosh I’ve ‘invested’ in tax havens I’m going to hold the PM’s feet to the fire to make sure they get the chance. Especially if it’s NHS Baker’s Dozen GP surgeries in the offing.”

But not all MPs were so forward looking, some still believe that one more round of poker with the EU will see the U.K. triumph.

”Theresa May hasn’t laid a single of our cards out on the table yet,” E Jit MP said, “she’s holding all back in reserve and luring the EU deeper and deeper in before she makes her power play.

She’s got a perfect poker face. She’s only conceding everything each round and rubbing out all her red lines so they get over confident.

We’re all in this game whether we like it or not now. And so what if we lose the shirts off our backs? As parliamentarians the taxpayer will foot the bill for new ones! It’s a hoot!”

The ante keeps rising. It’s a good thing the leaders of both parties have the requisite devil may care, let’s gamble the lot on a bluff attitude to the game.

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UKIP on brink of collapse as all the racists are happy to vote Conservative again

UKIP are reportedly on the brink of party collapse as all the racists are happy to vote Conservative again.

”It’s appalling. The British people have betrayed us,” temporary leader, Mr Someone Disgusting, told LCD Views.

”We expected to collapse in line with the United Kingdom as a whole, not in a great steaming bankrupt heap first.”

How does Mr Disgusting explain the loss of support for his party?

”It’s sabotage by the main parties. Most notably those grasping bastards the Tories, but Labour playing the race card on immigration and wages, is a stab in the back also.

They’re nicking our scripts out of convenience. We would sue for IP theft, if we could afford to. Which we can’t.”

What about Nigel Farage? Can’t he be persuaded to help out the fetid steed that has carried him so far?

”He won’t return our calls! Or if we phone him from a phone box and he picks up expecting someone from, well, overseas, calling on a burner or whatever, he pretends to be going into a tunnel and shouts “Woo! Woo!” like a steam train, then hangs up.”

What about increasing membership fees? Call it a patriotic levy?

”Most of our remaining members are potless. It’s how we convinced them to back us in the first place. That and positioning ourselves as more racist outwardly than the Tories, but not quite as bad as the BNP. You know, the respectable middle ground for British racists.”

Is there anyway we can help?

”Can you get Nigel back?”

We wouldn’t piss on Nigel if he was on fire.

”Well, claim the Tories are betraying Brexit!”

But that is Brexit. Brexit means betrayal.

”You’re trying to wind me up. I’m not biting. I left my teeth in the glass beside my bed. What do you suggest we do?”

”Maybe just ape the BNP now?”

”Show our true colours? Not just yellow and purple.”

”That’s right. Show people what you’re really like. No one is coming to help you. You’ve served your purpose mate.”

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Leading Brexiters confess it was always the intention to catch and release the fishing folk’s vote

Leading Brexiters have given interviews to quell concerns over the breaking of promises made to fishing communities during and after the EUref campaign.

”I have to confess it was always the intention to catch and release the fishing folk’s vote,” Jacob Rees-mogg admitted from the deck of the luxury yacht he keeps moored in his moat, “I hope the explanation that you’ve all been duped based on not knowing the basic facts helps?”

”It was blindingly clever,” Nigel Farage said, while waiting to meet a Russian woman on a park bench, “if you know people won’t bother fact-checking emotive assurances you can pretty much get enough to back you in anything.

I mean, all I have to do is phone up a BBC producer and promise the taxpayer funded broadcaster a spike in ratings and revenue and I’m booked. Their little hearts always beat faster. Their mind fogs. It’s like taking candy from a baby.”

Kate Hoey MP, somehow, was also approached for comment, but she was too busy threatening Snow White for comment.

As to how the communities affected by one of the last promises of Brexiters to be broken are feeling?

”Don’t ask a leading Brexiter,” Dan Hannan said, while putting the finishing touches to a mixed media statue of Satan, utilising various pasta forms and hate glue, “we really couldn’t give a flying fish.”

Mr Hannan later phoned back to correct his statement.

”I meant to say we couldn’t give a flying shit,” he added, “anyone who votes for us is a willing pawn in our plan to asset strip the U.K. to its bones while we tear up the red tape.

By red tape I mean legislation protecting worker’s rights, gender equality, access to health and education, racial equality, voting, basically anything that makes a society more fair and prosperous but means a smidgen less cash in an offshore bank account.

Can I take this opportunity to thank Jeremy Corbyn for getting populist on immigration and wages too? It really does help us.”

Sadly it looks like many have bought into the Brexit agenda hook, line and sinker.

But it’s not too late to stop drag netting the bottom of our politic and resurface, although the sun is already over the yardarm, it’s no time to stand easy if we value our democracy.

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Brexit dictionary withdrawn after it is discovered only to contain the words strong, stable and gullible

The new Brexit dictionary has been removed from the shelves as it was sadly lacking in detail. In fact it only defined three words, and poorly at that.

Linguistic expert Ettie Mology slammed the Dictionary. “This is the most pathetic, feeble attempt at a book that I have seen in a long time!” she fumed. “I know the government is running out of ideas, but really! None of the definitions makes sense.”

Brexit supremo David Davis begged to differ. “I wrote and approved it myself!” be bragged. “I have devoted many long seconds to its preparation!”

Mology suggested that the many blank pages were intended for Davis to do crayoning during Brexit negotiations. It is entirely coincidental that the Dictionary, which retails at £350m a week, comes with a free packet of Crayolas.

The Dictionary defines ‘gullible’ as ‘prepared to have faith in the government’s Brexit strategy’. ‘Strong’ is defined as ‘see stable’, and ‘stable’ as ‘the ability to prop up a minority by buying votes’, with a note to the effect that it has nothing to do with horses.

Far from being underprepared and lacking in substance, that is not the real reason for the withdrawal, Davis reveals. “There was a significant oversight, alas,” he confessed. “We accidentally omitted the word ‘Brexit’!”

The reprint – which will have traditional blue covers – will contain the word Brexit in all its glory. Davis revealed that the definition of Brexit will be ‘Brexit’.

“Unfortunately, this means that the cost of the Brexit Dictionary will increase,” said Davis breezily. “But it will all work out for the best. Every household will be obliged to own a copy of the Little Blue Book.”

Lovers of languages will doubtless be apoplectic with the diminution of the rich tapestry that is the English tongue. “It’s a debasement, a sacrilege,” commented Mology. “The government is attempting to drag us down to its level.”

Boris Johnson is said to be distressed that the Dictionary omits some of his favourite words, like ‘fibblefabble’.