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Hannibal Lectre confident of remaining Downing Street doctor as May doesn’t fire anyone no matter what

Doctor Hannibal Lectre has spoken exclusively to LCD Views today to tell us he is “confident of remaining Downing Street doctor, as Theresa May doesn’t fire anyone no matter how serious the charge.”

The Doctor has good reason to be confident of keeping his position when you consider the scandals and lying that have enveloped May’s cabinet.

”I admit that Ms Patel was forced to resign for attempting to funnel British taxpayer’s money to a foreign military, but that was only because Ms May doesn’t like her on a personal level. The actual wrongdoing wouldn’t have been sufficient otherwise. And she still got to resign, which means she can come back when it’s perceived she maybe an electoral asset.”

The Doctor went on to list several well known names and the charges against them, and Ms May’s inability to fire them.

”Boris Johnson? An incompetent clown who systematically alienates people he is supposed to befriend. A prime minister with any backbone would have fired him multiple times. I personally wouldn’t cannibalise him. Too much fat. Not enough meat. And that’s just in the brain.”

Liam Fox, a man who hides friends behind curtains.

”David Davis. Caught lying to parliament and no action. This is because his job is to lie to parliament. His liver is Swiss cheese by the way, you’re welcome to it.”

Jeremy Hunt? Dismantling the health service piece by piece as instructed to do.

The Doctor says he would make a good soup.

”Chris Grayling? I wouldn’t even fatten my hogs on him.”

But surely the Doctor’s own crimes are so bad as to warrant at least demotion?

”Did I systematically lie to an entire country in order to put it on the slab to be cannibalised by tax havens? That’s what the good Mr Johnson and Michael Gove have done. By the way, if you see Michael please warn me, he’s the only man alive who scares me.”

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Putin attempts to throw bloodhound Boris off his trail with new disco themed national anthem

Ever since Vladimir Putin’s recent election victory, he hasn’t exactly been hiding from the headlines. Now he has a new announcement. He has unveiled a new Russian national anthem, which has a curiously familiar tune.

The song is called “U.S.S.R.” and the first officially sanctioned recording has been made by a band called the Gulag People. The lyrics in the verses spend a lot of time glorifying the Russian leader with rather exaggerated claims:

“Putin – he’s as strong as an ox, you know,
Putin – he’s as smart as a fox, you know,
Putin – he can stop all the clocks
With a single little finger

“Putin – he can wrestle a bear, and win,
Putin – he can race with a hare, and win,
Putin – can escape any snare
Without injury or mishap!”

While the chorus basically bigs up the whole country – or even more besides:

“Pledge your allegiance to the USSR
Pledge your allegiance to the USSR
Pledge yourself to destroying the West
Because we all know that Russia’s the best!”

The official writing credit lists the lyrics as by “Vladimir – no, not Vladimir, definitely not Vladimir, Piotr, that’s it, Piotr Pu- no, Piotr Pistov”.

Mr Putin himself had the following to say on the subject.

“Russia needs a new anthem. Now Russia has a new anthem. New anthem perfect for Russia and indeed world. Simples!”

One fellow journalist asked whether the reference to the USSR was a sign of things to come. Putin just smiled and said, “Wait and see.”

Another asked if the original writers were getting any credit or royalties for this reinvention. He was escorted kicking and screaming to somewhere. I heard one long scream from him behind closed doors and then all went quiet.

First Skripal, now this. I didn’t like to ask what had happened to him, I wanted to get out with everything intact.

It does seem to be becoming the in-thing for leaders to redo their countries’ national anthems. I still haven’t got over Donald Trump redoing America’s national anthem as “Donald, Donald, Über Alles”.

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Cambridge Analytica boss accepts job of Australian cricket coach to teach them how to cheat properly

LCD VIews has great news for the Australian cricket team today with the announcement that shamed Cambridge Analytica boss Alexander Nicked has accepted the job of teaching them how to cheat properly.

”Let me make one thing clear before I catch my plane as far from Blighty as I can,” Mr Nicked told our sports correspondent, from the Qantas lounge at Heathrow terminal 6,

“just because I’m going downunder to teach those amateurs in the Aussie first team how to cheat properly in no way means I did anything improper while illegally mining the living crap out of Facebook profile data in order to get a percentage gain for Vote Leave.”

As to how Alexander will improve the victorious Ashes team’s game?

”First off we’re going to need to hack into the mobile phones of all people attending cricket matches,” Mr Nicked replied, “once we know who is going to film the bowlers we can influence them to just take selfies and put rabbit ears on their digital heads, for as long as five days, if necessary.

We’ll also be digging through the personal details of the bowling squad to discover who has ever cheated on a partner, so we can focus especial attention into raising their game so they don’t get caught acting perfectly within character again.

Winning at sport, as in politics, is all about percentage gain, no matter how you gain it.”

The news is welcome relief for Australian cricket, just as footage showing some team members acting as thick as footballers often do is on endless repeat on the BBC.

We asked a representative of the BBC to comment,

”I am not a representative of the BBC, I work for the government.”

We’re sorry. What would you like to say?

”We would like to thank the wallies downunder for their timely actions with ball tampering.

For a horrible moment we feared the BBC maybe forced to defy our orders to blackout coverage of both the protest marches to support continued U.K. membership of the EU and the increasing stink around members of the Conservative cabinet.”

The representative later phoned back to threaten us with deregulation of our mass media organisation and direct state control if we print mention of the EU protest marches on the weekend. Please use white-out and cover words on your screen where appropriate. Thank you.

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IDS cuts the blue ribbon as Broadcasting House renamed Propaganda Central

Everyman Iain Duncan Smith MP was rubbing his blue palms together gleefully today as he took a break from refuting specialist comments on subjects he knows sod all about to cut the blue ribbon at BBC central.

“It didn’t take me long to get here,” Irritable Duncan Syndrome commented,

“when they opened the door on the walk in fridge they keep me in at the Radio 4 Today studio I thought it was because Humphrys needed cheering up. But then they gave me this pair of long shears and asked if I’d love to stab truth and accountability in the face again?”

Of course he would.

“I must say I think it’s a great step forward for honest, straight talking governance in the United Kingdom, now that the BBC’s Broadcasting House is to be rechristened with a name that tells it like it is, just like me.”

The ceremony is scheduled for midday and all the stalwarts of British investigative journalism will be on hand. Dacre, Murdoch, Rothermere, Marr, Neil, Sarah Sands.

“I’m a bit surprised they didn’t ask young Isabel Oakeshott to cut the ribbon. She tirelessly campaigns for balance. It’s a vital part of the Ministry for Propaganda’s work that whenever an expert says something boring, a generalist like myself or Isabel is invited onto the Beeb to waffle a load of distracting nonsense in refute. It’s called balance.”

Coverage of the ceremony is expected to consume the BBC’s entire news agenda for several days.

“You won’t have us going after that Cambridge Anal stuff, or the spending irregularities in the Brexit campaigns, or the fact that leaving the single market throws 80% of the British economy into question, never mind the CU. At least we have Starmer spearheading the campaign now to make British passports in Britain.

I must say, on a personal note, I think it is very endearing how the Labour leadership say something to keep Leave voters chipper one day, and then something to appease the overwhelming mandate to remain in their membership.

With this sort of cynical spin they’ll do a fine job convincing people that eating out of bins is actually healthy, once they take over from our shower of a government.”

LCD Views would like to take this opportunity to congratulate the BBC on its evolution out of something that used to upset all political parties, by way of actual journalism, and into a creature that now just upsets people who like facts.

“With any luck the BBC will find some sort of irregularity with how I cut the ribbon today and they can spend the next month obsessing over their own mistake instead of covering what a cock up we’ve made of everything.”

All the best Iain. May the force be with you.

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JCB sponsor Boris Johnson as a normal shovel is no longer big enough for what he’s shovelling

Boris Johnson was found in an upbeat and reinvigorated mood this morning as he took to the streets of north London to cause traffic jams, while lumbering about in a manner which vaguely brings to mind a man jogging.

We sent a correspondent along to slow walk beside him and ask what’s changed?

Has he succeeded in getting the undertaker Phil to open the chequebook and get Nazanin home?

”Pah!” the United Kingdom’s Foreign Secretary puffed back, “who is that again? Anyway, the half a billion quid is going into the pocket of some continental chaps to pay for blue freedom passports, which symbolise the loss of freedom of movement to British youth.”

What has caused this outbreak of good cheer then?

Russia agreed to pull another stunt so your government and the official opposition has a new dead cat to throw on the table for weeks?

”We need one! The toxic shock tabby has broken into its constituent components. Wibble! Mind the pot hole! Wobble!”

Our correspondent took care to avoid the holes being made in the bitumen by Johnson’s massive hooves.

Thanks for the warning. These roads are in a shocking state.

So what’s put the fire in your engine?

”JCB, those brave stalwarts of Leave, have agreed to be the official sponsor of my new campaign! Hotwot! Tot for tot!”

Bullshitting for Britain?

”That’s the tiger! Got it by the tail now! Nick of time too. This Cambridge Analytica business and the alleged illegal spending and collusion by the Leave campaign is going to take a mountain of bullshit to conceal!”

Yes, sometimes an ordinary shovel isn’t enough.

“You just watch me dig once I’m in the cab of that yellow terror! BeLeave me!”

We’ve been watching you dig for years now Foreign Secretary.

”It’s a hoot! I’ll be breaking through to China any day now!”

Or hitting rock bottom…we’ll soon see.

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Pop music banned due to cultural appropriation

The nationalism unleashed by Brexit has claimed pop music as its latest victim. Musical purists are demanding that only music originating in Great Britain be played.

Some argue that popular music derives from British folksong, as adapted and developed by people who have come into contact with Brits. The result was the finger being taken out of the ear, ingredients from around the globe being added, and the whole multiplied by technology. This cultural appropriation is totally unacceptable to musical Brexiters.

To accompany this tuneful eugenics, the new “moBo Awards” have been created. The host of the first moBo (“Music Of BRITISH Origin”) Awards is to be Boris Johnson. Boris has not lost his knack of talking utter bollocks, but his musical credentials are slim indeed. moBo BoJo lost his mojo.

The news means that leave leaning beardy men in folk clubs are getting excited.

Folk singer Al Aroundmyhat was upbeat about the news. “At last my brand of music will have a ‘pop’ at the charts!” he chanted. “British folk songs have a universal theme. Crap bosses, farming and being no good in the sack. Dying at sea. Getting lost at sea. Being transported to a desert prison by ship. Being buggered, getting drunk and getting whipped at sea. These are things that everybody can relate to.”

Piano player Ebony Andivory was feeling crotchety. “I now have to refer to my instrument, the Pianoforte, as a Softloud,” she moaned. “And I’m only allowed to play sentimental melodies in modal keys while some old chap warbles wistful nonsense and spills his beer on the keys.”

Other genres have not been forgotten. Classical music, a largely European phenomenon, will correspondingly be largely banned. Only music by the ultra-English Edward Elgar and Georg Friedrich Handel will be permissible. Handel was, of course, as British as the Royal Family itself.

It only remains to be truly British and crack jokes about the whole sorry affair. So to finish on a suitably low note, here is a false climax:

What does diminuendo mean? It’s a limp knob gag that keeps getting softer.

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We cannot allow Labour to break apart over Brexit, but it’s okay if the U.K. does says Starmer

“We cannot allow Labour to break apart over Brexit,” Labour pedigree Keir Starmer told Peston today, “but it’s okay if the United Kingdom does. By the way, I think it’s a disgrace our new blue passports are being made in France, just like Rees-mogg does.”

The clarity on Labour’s position on Brexit is welcomed, especially the further clarity about where the party’s current leadership’s priorities.

”It’s important that we match the Conservatives pound for pound in putting our perceived party political interests over the blindingly obvious reasons to oppose Brexit,” Mr Starmer added,

“how are we supposed to get elected to government if we don’t mimic them as closely as possible on the topic of Brexit? You tell me. It’s a proper head scratcher.

To actually oppose what is clearly insane and only serving the hard right neocons would be too risky.”

Mr Starmer went on to say that nothing was going to sway leader Jeremy Corbyn’s support for Brexit.

”Not even if Satan himself was found to be behind the Brexit agenda.

The people had an advisory vote and narrowly backed a bunch of liars and conmen, so it’s clear what we have to do now as the official opposition party.”

Mr Starmer left shortly after as his Momentum minder had arrived with the next preprepared statements for him to say, in order to be safe in his front bench job until he can be de-selected at leisure with a placard of shame hung around his neck.

”Theyre going to give me a parade when they do it!”

Thats nice dear. I’m sure there’s no chance you’re being played for a sucker by the ideologically firm.

“If you don’t mind though, we’ve got to wrap it up now. I’ve got lines to learn for my family lunch. I have to be really, really careful not to say anything that could be considered thought crime by the leader, or they’ll chase me with the vacuum cleaner for an hour.”

We wouldn’t want that. Just be careful not to follow your lawyers nose, it might lead you to what stinks in the Leave campaign, and they would really be a pickle for the party hoping to ride Brexit over the rubble and ashes to come and into government.

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University of life graduates assigned to confused millennials to explain how great England was before the EU ruined it

Wonderful news for confused millennials today with the announcement that graduates from the University of Life are going to be assigned to explain how great England was, before membership of the European Union ruined it.

”The discussions will be patient at first,” Michael Gove told LCD Views’ Sunday morning digest, “but for millennials who are unconvinced by the hazy and selective recollections of their betters, strident phrases maybe required.”

The people had a vote is clearly top draw, mostly for how little sense it makes in the context of democracies, as that’s what they do, and then do again when circumstances change.

”If young people are that bothered they should have voted, even if they couldn’t, this will also have to be explained repeatedly,” Michael added, “but surely mentioning the sense of community encouraged by lack ought to do it.”

To deepen the impact of the discussions, they will be held in local pubs festooned with Saint George flags, and if possible establishments that go silent when someone presumed to be foreign enters.

But what if the strategy falls flat?

”Rest assures we’re not launching a lead balloon off the Dover cliffs,” Mr Gove soothed, “how can having a pensioner who received free university education at a time of liberating social forces and when houses cost a pound not have a misguided millennial hankering to go back in time too?”

But you must hVe developed a contingency plan for those thick younger voters who nostalgia just can not educate?

”Don’t make me laugh! Contingency planning? This shower of a government? Ha!

If they fail at the University of Life they’ll be enrolled in the school of hard knocks, where they should have been anyway, instead of pouncing about the continent with the wrong coloured passports”

If you are in need of reminding how great England was before the EU ruined everything with greater rights and freedoms, get ready, the time machine is coming to save you and it will deploy phrases that are both tired and tested.

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Ten Downing Street issues white sticks to every MP

The endless ability of Number Ten to help its own has reached new heights. White sticks have been issued, free of charge, to every serving MP, regardless of their political affiliation.

To save time and energy, a job lot of white sticks was procured, from a geezer in a yellow Reliant Robin who bore a striking resemblance to David Jason.

Assessors from ATOS were called in to aid the sight tests. Candidates were asked to sit in a darkened room and read phrases as they flashed up before them. Phrases like “The Irish Border”, “Cliff Edge” and “£350m for the NHS” proved beyond all but the hardiest. However, the fact that none of them noticed the elephant in the room was the clincher.

The sessions came to an end after the first thirty MPs lacked the necessary vision. The remaining MPs were assumed to be suffering too.

Then someone realised that each fifteen-minute assessment was costing the taxpayer in excess of £75,000. Most of this money went, quite justifiably, straight into ATOS’s back pocket. But leading Tories were apoplectic that almost 10% of the money was being wasted on elephant feed and insurance against pachyderm-related mishaps.They explained that they refused even to acknowledge the possible existence of the elephant.

The conundrum remains, however. Nobody can see the elephant, yet it is still most definitely there. Who will feed it, care for it, and clean up after it? Well-meaning but one-eyed wildlife freaks, who can certainly see the elephant, if nothing else, are pressing for the elephant to be released into the wild. There it will be able to lead a free and happy life trampling ivory hunters.

Brexit is most definitely a case of the blind leading the blind. The white sticks will assist MPs to negotiate the dark days ahead. But neither blinkers nor rose-tinted spectacles can save their sight.

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English cricket team outsourced to France

The England cricket team has been outsourced to France, on grounds of cost. The French are believed to be able to lose Test matches more cheaply than the UK.

The current team is rumoured to be the first French prototype. The players all bear anglicised versions of their names. For example, captain Joe Root is really called Jean Racine.

It is no secret that the newly named BCF (Board de Cricket Français) is keen to lower its overheads. Lengthy tours of Australia and New Zealand are expensive, and there are lots of extras (‘sundries’ down under) that have to be paid for.

In this context, employing a seventeenth century playwright as team captain makes perfect sense.

The Honourable Freddie Tennyson-Jardine has started his own rival, the Real England Cricket Team Union of Marylebone (RECTUM). With players drawn from the cream of the aristocracy, his team has an unbeaten record against all-comers. He has also revised the rules, so that a player may not be dismissed by his social inferior.

This unbeatable combination of privilege and match-fixing, Freddie believes, will lead to a renaissance of Proper British Cricket. RECTUM will lead the race to the bottom.

Back in New Zealand, where the French-produced England team mustered a magnificent 58 all out, BCF apologist B. S. Flannel was in bullish mood.

“For a team comprised mainly of dead Frenchmen, 58 is a cracking total,” flannelled B. S.. “Obviously there will be a few teething troubles, as the French players are used to a pitch 22 metres, not yards, long. There’s many a slip twixt wicketkeeper and gully.”

The charming French have bowled over the Kiwis. The only catch is that they have been on the back foot, and then bailed out.

The BCF has already taken over boules and pétanque. It is considering whether to push French cricket as an Olympic sport.

It’s just not cricket.