LCD Views’ Common Folk correspondent has been speaking with a man who is thanking God everyday for Brexit.
The interview took place in the man’s local gym, located in the crypt of Saint T-Bone’s church, as he worked out.
Although ageing, the man likes to keep in fighting shape.
“You never know when you may have to leg it with your money. In case you’re running late for church confession, or something.”
Just an everyday guy.
”You know when they told me,” the man said next, huffing as he bench pressed one hundred pre-reformation bibles, “that Brexit had narrowly won the advisory referendum I was thrilled.”
He paused a moment, inhaling God’s air, counting mentally with the bibles over his head, his arms trembling but not quaking.
“I thought [puff], that chubby, pork fancying simulacrum of me the Tories had elected leader had stuffed his party for a generation.
I never dreamed parliament would be so dense as to take a narrow win in an advisory referendum as a command from god written in the sky in fire to destroy the entire country.
But then, I was forgetting in that moment that Jeremy Corbyn is a diehard Brexiter and the Tory party owned lock stock these days by tax haven exiles and offshore media moguls with bad tendencies. Of course they were going to work hand in hand to deliver Brexit, before squabbling over the ashes.”
But Corbyn campaigned for Remain. The Tories own Brexit. Labour is playing the long game and will ride to triumph once the Tories destroy themselves. Labour are very clever.
“Corbyn predominately campaigned for remain in little town halls where no one would bother reporting what he said much, because Boris was tearing up the country in a big, red bus.”
Do you think Corbyn would have campaigned harder if Seamus had let him off the leash more?
“In a word. No.
Everyone forgets that in my day Corbyn and McDonnell were parliamentary rebels who disobeyed the whip every turn they could, while plotting with David Davis and the other rebels on the Tory back benches.
I suspect if anyone bothered to dig about, they may find there’s a lot more coordination between May’s cabinet and the current Labour front bench than people realise, even though it’s blindingly obvious if you look at what is happening in the Commons on Brexit.
In the end it’ll only be people who shout ‘you’re just trying to undermine the leader’ who’ll still be ignoring the possible collusion to undermine our democracy and turn it into something rather different.”
So you’re saying the hard right Tories and the old revolutionaries on the other side are engaged in a winner take all battle over the future of our country, right now? And working together until the final play?
“That’s the long game.
Both sides would be happy to have you eating out of a bin as it works for both hard right and hard left agendas.
The hard right get to slash and burn regulations and pay, that’s how Global Britain will attempt to compete with China, and the hard left wants to burn the established model to the ground, but they can only get the conditions for that if the middle classes are also reduced to penury, enough to revolt.”
But Corbyn’s supporters love to talk about how he rebelled against Blair’s government over the Iraq War and ignore the fact that the Liberal Democrats under Charles Kennedy voted against the war as a party?
“Omission is important when you are trying to motivate people emotionally. If anyone should know that, it’s me!”
So what’s next?
“Get me that towel, will you? I’ve worked up a godly sweat.”
Here you go.
“Thank you,” he said, “What’s next for me?”
I was thinking about the country, but talk about you if you like.
“I’m going to get my legacy back by the time this is all over, with a smudge inbetween sorting out Sierra Leone and Brexit.”
How are you going to do that?
“Because all the people in positions of power are going to totally screw themselves pursuing their blind ideological agendas and at the end of the day, it’ll just be me talking any sense.”
There’s others.
“Whatever. Brexit will be a great eraser over the parts of my record I’d rather you forgot. I may have screwed it up bad with one vital decision and sowed the winds of death and destruction in other parts of the world with that horrible mistake, but I’m inconveniently right on Brexit.”
This is not easy. I don’t like this.
“Suck it up buttercup.
Old Corbs is going to look pretty bloody silly still shouting ‘jobs first Brexit’ when Nissan and Airbus announce they’re pulling out in the summer.
I’m going to enjoy that day almost as much as I did watching David Cameron announce he was chicken shitting away from the mess he created by being too gutless to stand against the racists in his own party.”
I’m not going to enjoy thousands of people losing their jobs, although that’s probably what it will take to stop Brexit.
“You don’t see the completeness of God’s design like me.”
So what’s next today?
“I’m going to pray, as I do everyday, and thank God for Brexit.”
