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‘Brexit Guide to Chess’ withdrawn after discovery every strategy puts player using it in checkmate

The new “Brexit Guide to Chess” has been withdrawn from sale after the discovery that every strategy on offer immediately puts a player deploying it into checkmate.

”Let’s get one thing straight first,” author of the guide, Iain Duncan Smith told LCD Views, “It’s not a book, it’s more a pamphlet, as I don’t know much about chess.”

You’re still an expert though?

”I am if I self-identify as one.”

You self-identify as an expert on a lot of subjects, why not chess?

”My thoughts precisely. You wait until my book on brain surgery during space flight comes out.”

Let’s deal with the chess guide first. What’s gone wrong?

”Total lack of patriotic spirit amongst British youth. This book is aimed at the Tory youth market. Naturally I expected to sell millions of hard copies.”

But isn’t the problem with the book the lack of actual strategies contained?

For example, you’ve replaced the famous ‘four pawns gambit’ with cut out vouchers for prawns from a seafood wholesaler owned by your second cousin.

”Do you have a seafood allergy? What’s the problem?”

It’s not much use in a game of chess.

“It is if I refuse to acknowledge reality and believe it is. Are you a secret remoaner?”

What about the ‘Calabrian Countergambit?’

”What’s that? This isn’t Radio 4, is it? You’re not as sympathetic as you’re supposed to be.”

The ‘Calabrian Countergambit’ is one of the most famous chess strategies! You’ve written the title and then instructed people to buy a horse from your wife’s ex-flatmate’s stable.

”I don’t see what the problem is. You can be an actual knight with a real horse! You can make a serious impression on any game.”

Iain Duncan Smith, you have here on page one that all pawns should be sacrificed at the start of the game. That they should be viewed as the feckless, layabout, curtain twitching undeserving poor who will only be motivated to do a proper day’s work by increasingly arbitrary and soul crushing sanctions.

”It worked for reforming welfare.”

Iain Duncan Smith I put it to to you that you are a leech who survives on patronage and should not be allowed near public policy making.

”Oh my God. You’ve completely nailed John Humphrys back when he gave a shit and wasn’t just phoning it in before lunch with a Tory chum daily.”

Thank you for your time.

”Thank you too,” Iain replied, “Did you like how I replaced the ‘Bird’s Opening’ with a short story I wrote imagining me as a Dambuster? That’s my personal favourite.”

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Record numbers of homeless begin to set up pavement shrines to man’s portrait

Britain’s loyal army of homeless citizens are overjoyed with the new portrait of Iain Duncan Smith. They are coordinating a campaign to have a shrine set up in every town.

The Foodbankers, as they wish to be known, believe this to be their positive contribution to Brexit. Every pedestrianised shopping centre will have a shrine.

“Each shrine will have similar construction,” claimed coordinator Doggone String. “A base of empty tins of processed peas past their sell-by date. On top, an altar of fried chicken cartons. Finally, a photo of the portrait of IDS torn from the Metro. All weighed down with the foreign coins the public throw at us to be funny.”

String mentioned that he was attempting to have the shrines registered as places of worship. This has a dual purpose. It prevents councils from clearing then away, and gives the scroungers the right to hang about legitimately in a nice warm, dry shopping centre.

Local councillor Tori Privilege was curiously supportive. “It gives these wasters a purpose,” she preached. “They show true British enterprise. We will close the food banks to encourage their transition. Hunger is a great motivator!”

Irritable Duncan Syndrome was feeling very smug, just for a change. “I am delighted to have become so popular!” he slimed. “I am thinking of writing to the Pope to request immediate canonisation.”

The patron saint of bald ambition couldn’t resist a tacky Brexit comment. “The Foodbankers are growing in number, which is a credit to the spirit of the British people,” he oozed. “Looking after one’s community is a clear Brexit dividend!”

IDS explained that he was due to speak to a rally of about 5000 of his loyal fans. He intends to show generosity by taking two tins of sardines and five pitta breads. “That should be more than enough to feed them!” he squelched.

Give a man the Spirit of the British people, and he will never hunger again.

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Labour Party launch new helpline to tell voters whatever they want to hear on Brexit

The Labour Party is on the front foot in the Brexit debate today with the announcement of a new party sponsored helpline which will tell worried voters whatever they want to hear.

”It’s primarily focused on Brexit,” Keir Starmer, official party spokesman on Brexit, told LCD Views, “although reassurance can be given on any subject.”

It’s felt the move is being made ahead of EU election crunch time just in case punters anxious to know where the party stands on Brexit accidentally conflate the entire future of the country with matters in Corbyn’s constituency.

”It’s a straightforward extension of long standing party policy,” Keir said, “if you think a senior party figure has said something that sounds like we’re enabling the Tories, and the hard right neocon Brexit project, just press one and an automated recording of my voice will reassure you we intend to hold the government to account.”

But what if you’re worried that Labour will attempt to subvert the will of the people to intentionally ruin the country to make Jacob Rees-mogg and chums richer?

You know, the decision delivered by an overwhelming mandate of f*ck all, data mined percent?

“The expression of opinion of people who didn’t take the time to understand how the fishing industry works?”

Yes.

”But went for it in a gerrymandered EUref held about fifty years ago now, without a supermajority because it was only advisory in the hope of making David Cameron’s life easier?”

That’s the one.

”Oh, then press two and Emily Thornberry will actually answer and ask you want your concern is and then soothe you by telling you whatever you want to hear.”

This is great. I’m calling today.

”You’ll feel better. The Tories have the BBC so why can’t we have something?”

You could have government by acting like an official opposition?

”Bugger. We need to add number three too.”

What’s three?

”It trolls you for undermining the leader by raising valid criticism of his leadership decisions.”

Thats not allowed?

”Gulag comrade. Gulag.”

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“We got are country back” to be printed on cover of new blue passports

Potatriots are rejoicing over the design of the new blue, potatriotic passports today with the confirmation that the famous British phrase “We got are country back” is to be printed on the front.

“It’s so everyone around the world knows what Brexit means to natural English  speakers when we visit,” Amber Rudd MP, Home Office Secretary, told LCD Views’ travel correspondent,

“well, if we visit. After Brexit the only Brits who will likely be able to afford to go anywhere will be the ones rich enough to purchase an EU27 burgundy passport of course. And senior politicians, like the party leaders pushing it forward.”

Why that phrase in particular though?

“The phrase was chosen as it best symbolises what Brexit means for the people who want it. And importantly, for the people who don’t.”

Yes. What about the people who don’t want to lose decades of accrued rights?

What about the people who think its an outrage you intend to strip away their right to travel freely across an entire continent?

“Do you mind if I ignore that question? Those people don’t really exist anymore. Even if they’re members of Labour.”

Carry on.

“Thanks. We had a bit of difficulty settling on the spelling,” Amber illuminated, “some thought country should be spelt cuntry, but that seemed a little low brow to my mind. Also there was a strong case for spelling back without the c, but I want people to focus on the ‘are’ personally.”

And we’ve heard there are other special features?

“Yes indeed! The cover is to be made from a material that combusts when deprived of oxygen.”

Why is that?

“It’s to stop traitors putting the British blue into burgundy wallets. If they do, they’ll catch fire. In fact any prolonged pressure on the surface will cause it to combust.”

But doesn’t that mean you won’t be able to hold them in immigration queues?

“We hadn’t thought of that.”

Doesn’t it also mean you won’t even be able to ship them?

“Because they’ll catch on fire in the shipping containers?”

Exactly.

“This is why we need to leave the EU. All these overbearing rules and regulations to do with what is and what is not supposed to catch on fire. Minimum rights and all that guff. You’ve just underlined our entire manifesto.”

I don’t see how. I’ve pointed out that there’s a risk ten mile long truck tailbacks at Dover could start burning when we leave the customs union.

“You realise this passport colour change is costing half a billion quid? And that’s just for starters?”

It sounds like money very well spent, if it means we get are country back.

“Oh, it’s just a down payment. You wait until you see how much the commemorative stamps are going to cost. Not to mention the loss of huge pieces of our service sector as a result of leaving the single market.”

I dread to think.

“Ah, now you’re getting in the swing of it. That’s how I get through every waking day now.”

Amber Rudd, thank you for your time.

“Thank you. Now watch me as I deport another academic.”

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Labour Party launch new helpline to tell voters whatever they want to hear on Brexit

The Labour Party is on the front foot in the Brexit debate today with the announcement of a new party sponsored helpline which will tell worried voters whatever they want to hear.

”It’s primarily focused on Brexit,” Keir Starmer, official party spokesman on Brexit, told LCD Views, “although reassurance can be given on any subject.”

It’s felt the move is being made ahead of the local elections just in case punters anxious to know where the party stands on Brexit accidentally conflate the entire future of the country with local council matters.

”It’s a straightforward extension of long standing party policy,” Keir said, “if you think a senior party figure has said something that sounds like we’re enabling the Tories, and the hard right neocon Brexit project, just press one and an automated recording of my voice will reassure you we intend to hold the government to account.”

But what if you’re worried that Labour will attempt to subvert the will of the people to intentionally ruin the country to make Jacob Rees-mogg and chums richer?

You know, the decision delivered by an overwhelming mandate of f*ck all, data mined percent?

“The expression of opinion of people who didn’t take the time to understand how the fishing industry works?”

Yes.

”But went for it in a gerrymandered EUref held about fifty years ago now, without a supermajority because it was only advisory in the hope of making David Cameron’s life easier?”

That’s the one.

”Oh, then press two and Emily Thornberry will actually answer and ask you want your concern is and then soothe you by telling you whatever you want to hear.”

This is great. I’m calling today.

”You’ll feel better. The Tories have the BBC so why can’t we have something?”

You could have government by acting like an official opposition?

”Bugger. We need to add number three too.”

What’s three?

”It trolls you for undermining the leader by raising valid criticism of his leadership decisions.”

Thats not allowed?

”Gulag comrade. Gulag.”

 

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Source of new outbreak of Mad Cow Disease identified

The outbreak of Mad Cow Disease, on a farm in Bangor, County Down, had been traced to the presence of an infective agent. Sources close to the Prime Minister describe the timing of the outbreak, which occurred during her visit, as ‘coincidental’.

The disease causes progressive degeneration of the brain, and affects the movement of an affected animal. We spoke to Buttercup, one of the infected cows.

“I was fine yesterday morning,” she mooed. “Then this woman came to talk to a bunch of journalists for some reason. I could smell the poison, but I put it down to Daisy having a dicky tummy again. Next thing I know, I couldn’t stand up!”

How long was the woman in your cowshed, we asked.

“About five minutes or so,” lowed Buttercup. “Or not. I’m a cow, I can’t tell the time.”

What happens now?

“We are going to be burned,” she said, mournfully. “About time too. I am fed up of being a cash-cow for Farmer O’Reilly, or whatever his name is. I have a right beef with him. He is just milking me dry!”

This emergency measure should prevent the spread of the disease. Nobody wants a repeat of the disgraceful scandal of 1990, in which Agriculture Minister John Gummer tried to infect his daughter with British beef. The girl sensibly refused.

Gummer’s present-day successor, Michael Gove, was asked if he would repeat the stunt to reassure today’s public. “Of course! I’ve eaten British beef all my life,” he slobbered, eyes rolling uncontrollably. “And it has had no ill effects upon me or any member of my family!” He staggered off with a most unusual gait.

Government medics confirmed that Theresa May herself is clear of the disease. “She has been examined most thoroughly, and all traces of disease repaired,” confirmed a spokesdoctor. “The procedure left her slightly robotic, but you wouldn’t ever notice it!”

An independent doctor pointed at the unregulated mess-hall at the House of Commons. “That was contracted out under Thatcher,” claimed Dr Jakob Creutzfeldt. “Ever since the Eighties, all kinds of dodgy meats have been served up. Since then, Mad Cow Disease has been endemic in the House.”

Our elected representatives, suffering from a progressive degeneration of the brain? You couldn’t make it up.

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Satan protests Pope’s austerity measures

Pope Francis’s claims that Hell doesn’t exist has raised a lot of eyebrows and caused quite a stir already, but the latest reaction beats them all, coming as it does from the Devil himself.

Speaking at a press conference, he made the following statement:

“This time, this Pope has gone too far,” he said. “You know, I actually thought for once the Catholic Church had picked an OK bloke for their top job on Earth, maybe this one might actually make it to Heaven, but he’s just crossed a line, and if he thinks he can put me and my demons out of work, he’s in for a shock. At least he will be when he joins his predecessors down here!”

Wait a minute, is he saying there are Popes in Hell?

“Oh yes! We’ve got a lot of clergy of all faiths of course, priests, imams, rabbis, preying on people’s superstitions over the ages, selling indulgences, telling people they could buy their way into Heaven. God went through the roof when that one happened. And whose job is it to deal with these turbulent priests? Me and my staff.”

This begged the question of how they are being tormented.

“Well, the scale varies depending on the seniority of the clergyman in question. Obviously the Popes being the most senior you can get, they get the worst punishment. They’re all eternally eight months pregnant. Apart from a couple of the really nasty ones who are eternally in labour, and the babies are all coming out feet first.”

That sounds painful.

“Absolutely. You should hear them whinge about fluid retention and varicose veins, it’s a hoot! Now, as it stands, that’s what he’s in line for when he snuffs it.”

Here at LCD Views we wish the Pope and the Devil a speedy resolution to their differences.

The UK is already negotiating a trade deal to supply Old Nick with vast quantities of British sulphur.

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Man’s afterlife plans thrown into disarray by Pope

Nigel Farage vented his fury through the night on LBC’s ‘hate-everyone’ slot after Pope Francis threw his afterlife plans into disarray.

”This is just the sort of elitist, metropolitan, out of touch statement I expect from Brussels,” Nigel ranted, “it’s another reason to leave the corrupt, tyrannical, dogmatic, spiritually overbearing EU Holy Cee as soon as possible.

Honest, hardworking, British tithe payers can then send all their money and unanswered prayers directly to me. Or straight to the tax haven of their choice.

This will allow me to launch myself as a born again evangelical TV preacher who is damn sure about the existence of an eternal Christian hell where everyone, and make no mistake, everyone who doesn’t believe in me goes straight to Hell.”

It’s believed this will also help Nigel’s next attempt to crack America as a hate preacher.

When queried later and informed that he was conflating Brussels and the entirely unrelated matter of the Pope’s recent announcement that Hell doesn’t exist, Mr Farage was having none of it.

”People have had enough of experts.” he hit back, “expect for self-appointed ones like myself who just make things up to suit their agenda on any given day.

I have been told to go to Hell more times than any living British man who made sure to get an EU passport as soon as possible after the advisory, gerrymandered EUref.

I’ve a bag packed and I fully expect to go and party with Richard Nixon, Hitler, Vlad the Impaler and anyone else I can find down there the next time the Grim Reaper makes a play for me.”

Asked about his assertion in relation to Mr Farage, the Pope replied,

”I may have been a little hasty. I’m sure there is a special room set aside for Mr Farage for eternity.”

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Government under fire over plans to replace emergency services with affirmations

The government is under renewed fire today over Home Office plans to replace emergency services with affirmations.

”I don’t really see what all the fuss is about,” acting prime minister Theresa May said, while attempting to convince a terrified child to approach her, “Amber and I have worked very hard on the phrases. They’re sure to be stable and certain in emergency situations.”

The prime minister paused a moment, picking up a chair by its back and attempting to pin one squirmy boy to the wall.

”Stop running away. That’s an order from your commander in chief! Haven’t these children been sedated for the photo op? They’re supposed to be e’ing off their heads by now. Who wants a cuddle? Come on you little brats.”

But when quizzed over how replacing the entire fire brigade with an affirmation was going to work, the acting prime minister attempted to divert the discussion to economics.

”Just think of the saving to the public purse? All those ghastly and expensive, brawny, uniformed, common chaps replaced by one well brought up fellow saying ‘this house is not on fire’ over and over. The house will soon come to believe its new reality and the fire extinguish itself. It will free up millions for tax relief for my husband’s clients.”

The ambulance service will be similarly reorganised. ‘My leg is still attached’. Although people will have to phone a new premium rate line in order to receive a tailor made affirmation. Average wait time is expected to be less than one week.

”If you come home to find your house being ransacked by a ner-do-well you simply invoke the phrase ‘my possession are my f*cking possessions and I’ll have your child’s lunch while I’m at it’. It’s going to make police response times the best in the world.”

And at last, with that, Ms May pinned the child to the wall.

”Quick! Get the photo before I faint from the stink.”

LCD Views commends the government’s original thinking. We believe this is a strong policy that all can unite behind.

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Frog in a boiling pot goes on tour of United Kingdom

LCD Views has the pleasure to be the first to announce that a well known and highly regarded frog in a boiling pot of water has gone on a UK wide tour.

“We thought it’s best to take the frog on the road now,” specialist animal handler JRM told LCD Views, “as I fancy I’m going to put the lid on the pot any day now. I’ve been trying to train it with gradual increases in heat, but each time I think it’s going to do exactly as I order, well, it tries to jump out of the water. I’m about done with it.”

Still, while the frog remains it will be sure to impress people in all the nations of the optimistically named United Kingdom.

“I have taught it to croak out some lovely phrases,” JRM informs us, “people said you can’t teach a frog to speak, but we’ve proven them wrong. If the flame nudges up in intensity every day, just a little bit, it’s amazing what you can teach a captive, but limited, intellect to say.”

Strong and united is apparently the latest effort.

“It’s hilarious. Sometimes I weep a little with mirth when I consider the accuracy needed to make every statement the frog croaks out immediately self-contradictory. It’s like an attempt to put the fire out in a burning house merely by affirmation.”

But shouldn’t the frog have croaked it by now, given the heat of the water?

“Well, to be honest, I don’t think my little beauty quite understands how hot the water is. Denial is a vital part of the act.”

The tour is expected to be brief, but only because so few people could be pre-arranged to come and smile at what is now just an exercise in cruelty.

“It’s my speciality,” JRM adds, “just imagine me as prime minister one day?”