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Easter over bakers go back to making cold, passive aggressive buns

The Easter holiday over bakers across the United Kingdom have gone back to making cold, passive aggressive buns.

“It’s a lot easier,” G Reggs told LCD Views food specialist, “do you realise how fiddly it is to get the crosses on buns while they’re still hot? It’s always near impossible to get the last nail in. Especially if you really put yourself into your baking like I do. I try and get my partner to help, but they just bang on what’s wrong with a pair of baps? It normally descends into an argument then.”

But while bakers across the land may have happily stopped producing the Easter speciality, for at least a week or two, many have other reasons to be relieved.

“I’m fed up trying to find hot cross buns with easta baked into them,” B Iffa told LCD Views, “so I can make proper easter treats by shoving them inside an EASTA EGG. If you can’t mash your personal idea of religion based on a delusion of hate and ethnicity into jingoistic bullshit, it makes it harder to spread the butter. I never get the butter to spread right when I’m not heating up the butter knife with my internal confusions and rage.”

Asked if they expect sales to drop for a few days in the wake of Easter, G Reggs was upbeat.

“I’m going to start selling Christmas mince pies sometime next week, I’m getting a jump on Sainsburys this year, they’re not churning out the Christmas lines till June this year. Slow coaches. And I’m making the Halloween themed breads this morning.”

So while some may have to wait a few weeks for the hot cross buns to return, it should at least make early morning marital disputes over breakfast easier to negotiate.

Here, have a pack of cold, passive aggressive buns. They’re good all year.

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British fish applying for EU passports in record numbers

Michael Gove MP is promising a catch all reprisal today after reports that proper British fish are applying for EU passports in record numbers.

”Entire shoals of herring have gained Austrian citizenship last week alone,” Mr Gove blurted unfathoming, “schools of cod are currently waiting expectantly outside the Cypriot embassy in Mayfair, London. It’s an outrage. I don’t even know if cod can survive in the warmer waters of the Aegean?”

Reports are also filtering up from the deep that loch based salmon are joining the ranks of other fish making a beeline for the Maltese embassy in Balquhidder, Scotland, to apply for citizenship, along with trout and that most British of fish, the long nosed wafflesnozzer.

”Can fish even make a beeline?” Mr Gove demanded, “when I accepted the promotion to my current chairwarming at the Ministry of Pretending Mickey Cares About Green Stuff, I was told all stocks of British fish were potatoes. I mean potatriots. We will be scaling back freedom of movement for fish. If it’s good enough for 65 million British people to lose, it’s good enough for fish.”

While it’s not clear exactly what measures Mr Gove can take to curtail the freedom to roam of that most mobile of shared resources, Mr Gove is promising,

”a sea wall, most likely, starting at John O’Groats and going right around the entire U.K. to Lands End.”

The wall will be “unscaleable” according to Gove and most likely be built just behind the sand dunes, on the land to “stop British fish accessing the sea before they attempt to flee to foreign nets, regardless of where Westminster allocated and or sold fishing quotas to non-British commercial operations.”

Asked for a response to Mr Gove’s proposal a representative of proper British trout responded,

”I go great with chips,” before adding, “we intend to protest any restrictive measures placed on our migratory patterns by hurling Nigel Farage’s German burgundy passport into a google search for five seconds, as that’s about all it takes to debunk any nonsense a Brexiter spouts.”

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EU denies new EU flag design chosen just to wind up inglish nationalists

English nationalists are fuming’ today and threatening to invade somewhere after the European Union revealed the winning entry of the competition to design the new EU flag for 2020 and beyond.

“We believe the flag and its many Saint George crosses will best symbolise our desire to take over the world,” competition organiser Philip Joshingman told LCD Views, “all the years the english nationalists have been right about us of course. So we are taking their favourite flag first, as part of our tyrannical conquest of the United Kingdom. We believe it’s the best way to honour the contribution they make to world peace and harmony in communities.”

Legislation has already been passed by the European parliament in an entirely undemocratic fashion of voting by MEP’s stating that all buildings, government or civic or private residential ( and takeaway food outlets) in all EU member states must fly the new flag at all times from 2020, in line with the new EU budget release.

“Of course we understand that some Westminster politicians, especially those who support Brexit, may claim that adopting a flag first used in the Kent city of Genoa in the 13th century, maybe seen as a provocation of Downing Street, especially as it will almost certainly be just be United England before long,” Joshingman continued, “but I want to reassure those types that this is nothing of the sort. In fact the highest density of votes for the new flag design originated in Thanet and were all filled out by the same hand.

Also, the inclusion of the tiny old EU flag in the top left is a nice touch, so England can remember the peace project it choose to leave in order to please neocon capitalists.”

But what about beyond 2020? Won’t it be confusing for Brexit England to see European Union buildings flying a flag that only belongs to them and most of the rest of the world?

“Well, they can always adopt a new design,” Joshingman replied, “I would suggest enlarge your unicorns. But it’s no great worry, once the transition period out of the European Union is complete, I suspect everyone in the United Kingdom will be flying an American flag with a Donald Trump in the middle of it holding an antibiotic stuffed chicken by the breast? No?”

LCD Views would like to congratulate the winning designer, a Mr M. Gove, and we look forward to seeing the new European Union flag flying over the door of our favourite dirty chicken shop from 2020, when we duck in for a box of filth, knowing we really shouldn’t.

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Boris promises post-Brexit productivity boost by reintroducing the three day week

Boris has promised this reduction in working hours in response to the latest statistics. Manufacturing is shrinking and prices are rising. As usual, there is a madness to Boris’s method.

“Tourism is vital to the economy,” he gibbered. “With a four-day weekend, we can all spend time and money in Cornwall! Boost the economy and have one’s hols at the same time!”

But working shorter hours means less pay. Nobody will be able to afford the price of a Cornish holiday.

“Nonsense, pish and tush, my dear fellow,” Boris burbled. “We will simply work smarter!”

Those of us who remember the 1970s will remember hardship and power cuts.

“Ooo! They were great fun!” waffled Boris. “We all remember Nanny and the butler scrabbling for candles in the pantry. At least that’s what Father told me they were doing.”

Power cuts are a distinct possibility, since new trade deals must be struck to import the Chinese coal and Arabian oil we need to keep the lights on. Transition means endless delays and deferments.

It will become mandatory for all citizens to carry emergency candles. There is, apparently, no truth in the rumour that the three day week is being promoted by Candlestick Analytica.

We sought the opinion of Work & Pensions secretary Esther McVey. She was in the Westminster dungeons forcing Anna Soubry to write out “Brexit Means Brexit” a million times.

“Sounds like a plan,” she agreed, cracking her whip. “We will, of course, also have to ration food as a precaution. Your blue passport will entitle you to collect a pint of gruel every week, whether you need it or not.”

McVey returned to the party whip.

“Random power cuts are a small price to pay for our independence and freedom,” she commented. “Write that down too, Soubry!”

Hold A Candle For Freedom is destined to be the next government slogan.

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MOD move all Leave EU memes to Porton Down

The Ministry of Defence has taken action today and moved all Leave EU memes to their secure facility at Porton Down, as they’re now just so toxic.

“This move has been planned for some time,” MOD spokesman, General Wtfis Williamson, told LCD Views, “as the risk to public safety from the hate and racism and bile is nearing the level of a spoonful of Russian nerve agent.

Leave EU itself is probably a Russian nerve agent in campaign form, but that’s a question for another day to do with murky money trails.”

It’s believed the action has been taken now to stop the spread of any further memes.

“You see all the islamophobia going around? That’s Brexit,” the general explained, “that’s Leave EU. That’s Farage. That’s Britain First. That’s all manner of degenerate crap we’re supposed to have left behind. That’s how humanity ends up in wars. They allow sociopaths to sow division. They make credulous people stop seeing shares humanity. They want violence to beget violence.

They want people to hate. It’s a right little earner.

And that’s why they’re after Eddie Izzard now too. He’s just a threatening puzzle to them. And their followers are not good at puzzles!

Leave EU are essentially a terror group. They probably sense though that their time is up, as the net on all the corruption closes in, so they’re going to get worse and worse.

But they’re still very dangerous as they’re good at triggering insecure idiots into action. It’s now a national security risk.”

So you’re saying we’ve let the f*cking nazi’s in our midst get emboldened by making a billboard mirroring WW2 fascist propaganda become our face to the world?

“Do you ever stop and ask what that has said to the world? It’s definitely part of the problem.”

I consider it routinely. It shames us as a country that we’re allowing hate to be our face.

“Yes. The fact too, that senior elected British politicians are happy to push forward UKIP’s vision for the UK?

We’re doing the work of the fascists for them! With paid expenses! And it’s all about tax evasion. It’s a time in our history we won’t look back on with any pride.”

Hatemonger Farage’s ‘Breaking Point’ billboard, Leave EU and the other swamp creatures are loving it though?

“They reckon they’re going to get a race war and they’re spreading their anti-human shit about on social media to further encourage the bacterial filth and gullible types that follow them.

This is why we’re acting now. All Leave EU memes will be contained in a bunker deep underground next to the recording of Nigel Farage singing Hitler Youth songs when he was a boy.”

What have Michael Gove and Boris Johnson had to say about this move?

“What have they got to do with it?”

Aren’t Leave EU associated with Vote Leave?

“Are you conflating things?”

It does seem like it’s all connected. Even if only spiritually. What’s your boss Gavin Williamson up to? Did he order the memes contained?

“Oh that little prick? No. He’s busy shopping for a bigger tarantula. Not a day passes when he doesn’t wake in a sweat remembering what he said to Putin. I’d leave him out of it. He’s making enough trouble for himself.”

Members of the public are requested to notify the MOD the moment they spot any Leave EU memes, just in case one has slipped the net. Do not touch it. Do not comment on it. And whatever you do do not share it. Together we can stop the hatred, but we’ll probably need to stop it being major public policy first.

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Out of control hot air balloon identified as Boris Johnson

LCD Views has a breaking report from Heathrow air traffic control that an out of control hot air balloon drifting across the English Channel has been identified as Boris Johnson.

”Shortly after lunch time GMT today reports from aircraft arriving from or flying to the continent stated there was a large, overinflated, unifentified flying object drifting uselessly across the English Channel towards France,” a statement from Heathrow said, “the blueberry coloured object appeared to be direction less and with no capable pilot.”

Heathrow air traffic control enacted emergency security procedures, contacting the RAF who scrambled a pair of Eurofighter Typhoons to intercept, and if necessary, destroy the flying hazard.

”Initial reports from RAF interceptors said the object was a hot air balloon. Further flybys established it was in fact a serving minister of state, Boris Johnson MP for Boris Johnson.”

Even though the danger to aviation was clear, it was decided not to burst the balloon at this time.

”The RAF pilots were instructed to escort Boris Johnson, however his course was so unpredictable and erratic they were unable to track the hot air balloon and had to return to base, having exhausted their fuel.”

All flights to and from Heathrow have been diverted, at great expense, while a decision is made as to what to do about the aviation hazard.

”It’s expected Boris Johnson will shortly make a public statement on Russia, in order to deflect from the shambles of the government, or any other shiny thing that catches his eye.”

This will cause him to deflate enough to descend to the ground, where he will resume his standard role as an obstacle to cross border trade via the roads.

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Brexit phone app cures digital addiction by immediately turning smart phone into dumb phone

The addiction plagued people of Brexit Britain were given further reason to rejoice today as the new Brexit phone app, released today by Brexit Industries, was found to instantly cure digital addictions.

We spoke to head developer, Richard Head, to learn more about this exciting technological breakthrough.

“We didn’t design it to cure digital addictions,” Dr Head advised, “it’s actually an accident. Although with roaming charges set to return for UK citizens post Brexit, it’s probably good and timely.”

So what did you set out to do?

“We wanted to make it easier for our vast army of social media warriors to quickly respond to Brexit saboteurs online,” Dr Head said, “we figured if we gathered up all the stock responses to reasoned criticism of the Brexit strategy (using the word strategy loosely), then they could engage the app and let it do the arguing online for them. It’s a time saver, essentially.”

You mean turn every Brexiter with a smart phone into a Brexit bot?

“Yes. The Kremlin ones keep getting shut down. But if “you lost, get over it” and “I won, I can’t get over it” etc are coming off the verified phones of actual people, then that’s a nice work around.”

So the Brexit phone app is a bit like viagra? Developed initially for another purpose, but now found to have a real win-win value elsewhere?

“We’re not sure.”

Why’s that?

“Well, as it instantly turns any smart phone into a dumb phone, no one can get online to tell us how their digital addiction cure is actually working out.”

That’s evidence itself, surely?

“It is very Brexit. Lack of evidence taken as irrefutable proof. And completely self defeating. We are quite proud of ourselves.”

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Fire service called to chocolate factory after woman judged bad egg falls into garbage chute

The fire service have reportedly been called to a chocolate factory this afternoon after a woman judged a bad egg fell into a garbage chute.

”She didn’t fall,” Charlie Bouquet, also on the tour told LCD Views, “she made this big song and dance about making the chocolate factory strong and united, which was odd, as all she did on the tour was read things, then she jumped up onto a set of scales used for judging the quality of eggs.”

Apparently the scales didn’t judge her kindly?

”They judged her accurately so far as I can tell. It was a lot nicer once she was dropped into the garbage chute.”

What was the attitude of the factory owner?

”He was funny,” Charlie said, “he saw her about to get onto the scales and he said ‘no, stop, be careful, please don’t’, but he said it quietly. It was almost like he expected her to end up in the chute at some stage of the tour.”

Were the other group members concerned?

”No. They all seemed out for themselves, if you ask me. After the woman went there was only me and little Liam Teevee left. He kept banging on about getting more golden air miles. He was irritating.”

What happened to him?

”He was magically transported through the air and diminished in size. He was very far away from the action by the end.”

The fire service was asked for a progress report on how the search was going.

”Please. We’re, trying, really…hard to locate her,” was the statement, but they didn’t sound like they were really trying to find her at all.

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Pope under pressure after saying the resurrection was technically the second coming

Pope Francis is under pressure to stand down today after saying in an interview to ‘Papal Bull’ quarterly that the resurrection was technically the second coming of Jesus.

”It’s just basic math,” the pontif pontificated, “Jesus was born after he made his mother pregnant with himself in a part of the story we prefer not to dwell on too much.

After that he ruined the business for vintners in his local area with a water to wine miracle.

He did some solid social democrat work.

He died, executed in the horrifying fashion of so many thousands of political activists under the Romans.

That was the end of the first coming. Everyone agrees. He was dead. He was buried. That’s a bit of a bookmark event.”

But surely, given that the resurrection was only a long weekend away, it still counts as part of the first coming?

”It’s too much of a fudge, ain’t it? No, the resurrection is technically his second coming.”

So what’s everyone waiting for?

”A third coming. Two thousand years now. You would have thought a man of his age could have managed it by now.”

When do you expect it to happen?

”Good question,” the Pope replied, “given the treatment he received the first time around I wouldn’t be rushing back. Would you?”

The second time ended okay.

”Yes. He learned to fly. Probably a good place to leave it. A happy ending.”

Do you intend to issue a decree pointing out the technical challenge to the accepted scripture?

”Mate, I just abolished Hell, I think I can manage a small adjustment to the maths concerning how many times Jesus has come to Earth, don’t you?”

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Brexit Easter Egg kits withdrawn from sale after the Brexit rabbit refused to lay

The United Kingdom is bereft and confused today as the foolproof Brexit Easter Egg kits were withdrawn from sale, after the rabbit included in each kit refused to lay the promised chocolate flavoured sovereignty eggs.

“We were traumatised,” Mr K Ipper of Juniper Lane, Independence Street, told LCD Views, “we bought a kit from a posh man with a suitcase full on the high road after he told us they were certain to lay Easter eggs. Nothing. Just a lot of rabbit poo on the carpet and some chewed furnishings.”

Mr Ipper wasn’t alone in his disappointment. We spoke to our consumer affairs correspondent to learn more.

“Over seventeen million Britons are reported to have purchased a Brexit Easter Egg kit on the promise that the rabbits inside were better than unicorns for this time of year and would lay chocolate, and maybe even gold eggs.

Nothing has been delivered as promised, in spite of reports of the rabbits straining really hard on a diet of complete and pure bullshit.”

What have the rabbits produced then?

“The promise of jam mostly. Which also makes little sense. The rabbits are pretty much a four legged wrecking ball. People who take them into the home report large, gaping holes appearing in the walls and the rabbits still expecting to be let out into the yard whenever they like.”

I presume unsatisfied customers are eating or returning the rabbits before more harm is done?

“Some are. But interestingly a sizeable percentage of the hoodwinked consumers are still watching their rabbit waiting for it to poop out an egg, or curiously blaming people who just went to the supermarket and purchased an actual chocolate Easter egg.

It’s like the people who bought the rabbits haven’t done the most basic of research. But that can’t be right, as that would make them credulous and self defeatingly stubborn by now.”

How are the manufacturers of the Brexit Easter Egg kits planning to compensate unhappy customers?

“They’re calling them traitors.”

That’s a good first step. And after that?

“Oh, they’ll be too busy counting the money they made selling the bogus Easter Egg kits to worry about that. I expect they’ll take a holiday somewhere tropical and come back in a few years time.”`