Posted on

Poll reveals U.K. united and happy to wait until 2022 for next general election

A new poll of the governing Conservative Party cabinet, which includes the Labour Party leadership, has revealed the U.K. is united and happy to wait until 2022 for the next general election.

”It’s a fantastic result,” Jeremy Corbyn told LCD Views, “I fancy between Boris and myself and our headline ping pong we can keep the Skripal business running till at least 2021.

Presumably some of the benefits of Brexit will be flowing through by then and we can squabble over whether or not the government gets the credit or we do. This will take us into 2022.”

The chief Lexiter wasn’t the only one pleased.

”To be frank, and this may shock your readers, we can’t deliver Brexit and all the tangible benefits of it without the support of our parliamentary colleagues across the floor.

Just think how happy everyone will be having a blue passport, a commemorative third class stamp and soup,” prime minister Arlene Foster said, “oh and compulsory singing of the national anthem before gruel at school in the mornings.”

The results of the poll, due to be covered extensively and uncritically by BBC News twenty four seven for several days, will cheer people who maybe mildly concerned that the United Kingdom’s present leaders aren’t perhaps making the best fist of things.

Ms Foster’s deputy Theresa May, MP for the Walking Dead, was also asked for comment, but unfortunately there was a blue screen behind both her eyes and her mouth was open but nothing of use was coming out.

Posted on

Foreign Office to begin deleting statements by Boris Johnson before he says them

The Foreign and Commonwealth Office has announced today it is to begin deleting statements by foreign secretary Boris Johnson before he says them.

“It’s just standard civil service contingency planning,” H Bogart, head of the FCO staffers told LCD Views during a job interview, “my starting salary isn’t really a concern, just help me get out of there please.”

That’s good. We can’t pay you anything.

“Not a problem.”

But please explain more about your decision regarding Mr Johnson.

“He’s doing what Theresa May needs him to do.”

Be a walking, talking catastrophe?

“Precisely,” Humphrey said, “he absorbs so much news print and media focus. It makes it easier for Ms May to starve children and slash police numbers. So that’s all well and good. It also keeps the Corbyn cultists absolutely swivel eyed obsessed on that Russian matter. Even better. But, and this is an important but.”

We waited.

We waited some more for H Bogart to continue.

What’s the important but?

“Oh, sorry, I was musing on what you offer for lunch? Buffet or fine dining at subsidised prices?”

You can grab lunch from the greasy spoon under our office. You have to pay for your own lunch. We run at a loss.

“Oh, you’re a standard newspaper then. Hmmm. Still…”

The but?

“Oh yes. Having a clown to distract the media and opposition is sensible government policy. Always need a few jokers in the pack. Makes for a f*cking terrible foreign secretary though. You’re not really supposed to squirt people in the eye from a flower on your lapel if you’re the face of the United Kingdom.”

So what’s to be done about it?

“Nothing, by Theresa May, she’s useless. She only fired Patel for trying to funnel taxpayer’s money to the IDF because Boris was cheesed off and ordered her to.”

Well, what are you going to do about it?

“We’ve had some code written. Anything Mr Johnson says now will be deleted before he says it.”

Did you invent a time machine?

“No. Gaffer tape and a sturdy chair. Oh, and a sock for is mouth.”

Posted on

We don’t send £350M a week to EU let’s use it to bribe carmakers instead

Greg Clarke Minister for Bungling was leading the big band in a celebration song after the government buckled to PSA’s demands for a big bucket of British taxpayer’s cash yesterday.

“This shows you we cut a fine cut out out when we agreed to give Nissan however much they wanted to stay in the U.K. for a while,” Mr Clarke sang, “and PSA have been smart enough to twist our arm behind our back and demand likewise to keep van production at the Luton plant.”

While some short sighted types might criticise the government for shoving taxpayer’s money into the pockets of multinationals, Mr Clarke is not having that.

”I’m having taxpayer’s cash of course. It’s my job. But securing capitalists against any potential losses that will be incurred because HMG has a dream of a bold, bucaneering, free trading country out on the high seas of international trade, busily shoving fistfuls of money into the pockets of international businesses dependent on CU and SM access to survive, that’s just a traditional conservative approach to business, isn’t it?”

They are the party of business, after all.

”I’m sure Labour won’t criticise the nationalisation of profit loss by capitalists, given it’s in the service of Brexit.”

LCD Views commends the government for its short term thinking and is more than certain there’s enough taxpayer’s money in the U.K. piggy bank to bribe, we mean incentivise, any business that needs bribing, we mean incentivising, to keep operations in the U.K. for a few years longer, while we sort out the few details left to clarify what Brexit means for trade.

”Of course her majesty’s loyal opposition supports throwing money at multinationals so our support of Brexit doesn’t get sticky for us before the long game reaches the final stage,” John McDonnell is expected to say later,

“there’s nothing else those millions could be better spent on. Remember, the people had a vote. Which is why Labour now also supports austerity, because the people had a vote on that too. It’s about our principles.”

Posted on

BBC devotes 25 minutes of main news bulletin to discussing whether the Earth is flat

The once-respected BBC has sunk to a new low. Once admired worldwide for its impartial and rigorous programming, it has been reduced to serious discussion of the flat earth theory.

LCD’s Round Things correspondent, Dennis Ball, investigated the likely impact on Global Britain.

“The BBC has sunk to a new low,” Ball began. “Against an astrophysicist, they balanced the panel by including a conspiracy theorist, a woman who thinks the Earth balances on the back of a turtle, and Nigel Farage.”

Things went downhill after that.

“The astrophysicist was shouted down, because she hadn’t personally flown around the earth in a spacecraft,” Ball explained. “Plus she was a vegan, so obviously a subversive and not to be trusted. Meanwhile, the turtle lady was allowed to spout any old idiotic bollocks she liked, without challenge. The conspiracy theorist, when asked to justify his assertions, triumphantly replied, ‘Prove the Earth isn’t flat!’, and described a rim around the edge of the Earth to stop us all falling off.”

What about Farage?

“Oh, there’s a new BBC directive that ensures that Farage appears on the BBC at least once a day,” said Ball. “He proposed creating a rim around Britain to keep our fish away from the EU.”

Ball spoke to the BBC’s Director of Political Output, Craven Acquiescence.

“The BBC must consider many factors,” claimed Acquiescence. “But mainly the licence fee. The government has threatened to sell the BBC to Murdoch for 50p the moment we broadcast something that challenges Brexit. By doing exactly what we’re told, we are preserving the integrity of the BBC for future generations.”

“Explain the contradiction,” demanded Ball. “Doing what you’re told, and preserving integrity? How does that work?”

“Sorry, I don’t understand the question,” replied Acquiescence. “Excuse me, I have a puff piece on Boris Johnson to get ready for Newsnight.”

Ball concluded that Mr Craven Acquiescence has no bollocks. Or, at least, flat ones.

Posted on

Brits reassured traditional British toilet humour can survive loss of freedom of movement

It was recently announced that the NHS would no longer provide treatment related to Freedom of Movement, such as constipation and diarrhoea. With Brexit in the pipeline this may well be just the tip of the iceberg.

We have been reminded during the negotiations currently taking place that the EU’s four freedoms of movement (goods, services, capital and persons) cannot be compromised. To these four can be added a fifth, the freedom of movement for shit, which we shall also lose when we leave the EU.

There will therefore, as they say, be consequences, or perhaps consesquelches. This at least was the view of the spokesperson at the newly-formed sub-department for Brexshitting the EU who advised that life would be different, and that we would have to adapt to the loss of freedom of movement.

We were passed on to Mysterious Martin with his crystal toilet bowl. He had been engaged to have a look into the future in the manner of Charles Dickens’s Christmas Carol, to get a taste – or smell – of what was to come.

We stared into the bowl, which was full of a murky brown liquid which let off fumes and a nasty odour. Martin held his nose with one hand and stirred the liquid with a toilet brush with the other.

“This stench is so bad, I’m almost tempted to cut off my nose to spite my face so I can’t smell it!” he gagged.

Gradually the mess cleared, and a line of people came into view (a bit like that infamous poster in the referendum campaign).

It looked as if they were waiting in an airport , which was clearly somewhere in Europe, under a sign which read “No Poo Queue” .

They were would be holiday makers who looked pretty glum (as glum as their bums) . One of them, a sad looking person who gave his name as Willie Havercrapp, was speaking to a television news reporter.

”It’s absolutely terrible, since we left the EU we haven’t been able to use the loos at airports in Europe when we go on a bog standard package holiday,” said Havercrapp. “We have to take a bucket and spade with us, not to build sandcastles with, but in case we have an, err, accident. And the bureaucracy is terrible, there’s far too much – when the border control people ask to see our papers, we have to bring out our toilet rolls to prove that we’ve come prepared and won’t put a strain on the facilities here!”

I think he means, it’s not the job that’s the problem, it’s all the paperwork afterwards.

“We’ve been advised not to eat anything near five portions of fruit and vegetables a day, in order to avoid the need to go to the loo,” Havercrapp continued. “A well known vacuum cleaner manufacturer has advised us to suck it up, and some of us are thinking of investing in space suits and little portable loos, like the ones you can get for your car. Mind you though, we’re getting used to this, what with all the public loos back home being closed to save money”.

He suddenly broke off, and dashed off, saying “I’ve got to go!”

The scene dissolved in a swirl of smelly brownness as Mysterious Martin wiped his forehead and gasped, “It’s pretty grim, but you can see the funny side of freedom of movement can’t you!”

As we ponder the loss of Freedom of Movement I can hear that song by the Moody Poos, sorry, Moody Blues. “If you’re going to go, go now”, and the advice our mothers gave us before going on a journey: “Go before you go!”

Posted on

Farage and Hoey to dump entire British fishing industry in Thames 29/03/19

EXT   WESTMINSTER   MORNING

The Thames is lit like a Turner. The colours of the sun splashed across the rippling water as if the artist himself has painted it. Fiery reds. Warm oranges.

A tall ship struggles against the outgoing tide in front of the Palace of Westminster.

Its sails are ragged. It lists to one side as if taking on water.

Two figures stand at the prow. A man and a woman. The woman has climbed onto the prow as the man holds her around the waist. They are remaking the famous scene from ‘Titanic’.

CLOSE ON

The woman and the man. KATE HOEY and NIGEL FARAGE.

NIGEL FARAGE is smoking. Great clouds of smoke envelope KATE HOEY. She struggles to keep her balance. She struggles to breathe.

KATE HOEY

“Bloody hell Nigel. As if the Brut aftershave you’ve drowned yourself in isn’t enough.”

NIGEL FARAGE

“Christ. Why the hell did you hire a boat without a bar on it?”

KATE HOEY

“Shouldn’t the fish have been here by now? I can’t stand much more of this.”

NIGEL FARAGE

“I’ve told them there’s a fish market at Westminster today. There they are.”

PULL BACK

Look upstream from the tall ship. See the river full of all manner of ageing fishing boats. Regional flags tells us they come from every coastal region of the United Kingdom.

KATE HOEY

“Can we get a move on sinking this gullible lot? I’ve got to attend the inaugural chicken de-cholorination festival in an hour.”

NIGEL FARAGE

“One by one they float down here. One by one I’ll sink them. Fe fi fo fum, I smell the tears of an Englishman.”

One boat moves forward from the rest. We hear its engine struggling as it pulls alongside the tall ship.

A FISHERMAN who looks like a ghost points mutely at the crates of fish on his deck. He’s missing fingers. There’s so many fish.

FISHERMAN

“Ready when you are Mr Farage.”

NIGEL FARAGE begins to laugh. He’s so amused he starts hacking a smoker’s cough. He can barely breathe.

He releases KATE HOEY.

CLOSE ON

KATE HOEY flaps her arms madly. It looks like she’s going to fall into the water.

KATE HOEY

“Nigel you reptilian shit. Catch me.”

Slowly, so slowly, NIGEL FARAGE reaches out through his hacking and gives KATE HOEY a shove.

END SCENE

Posted on

Corbyn supporters fall hook line and sinker for plot to keep novichok story playing

Saint Jeremy Corbyn’s supporters have fallen hook, line and sinker for the Tory government plot to keep the novichok story playing.

”It’s like shooting fish in a barrel,” Boris Johnson MP told LCD Views while hiding in our office from his wife, “the people who back Jezza are like the people who still back Brexit. It’s a faith based position. No wrong thought allowed. I don’t still back Brexit by the way, but I’m kinda nailed to the cross on that one, for now.”

Mr Johnson goes on to explain, while ducking down under the window, that,

”I’m unsackable. Think of all the ghastly crap I’ve done just since becoming Secretary of State for making the U.K. look ridiculous?”

We do. Constantly.

”I’ll leave post when I think it’s time to knife the Maybot in the back, chest, face and wherever else I fancy when I make my final bid to be PM.”

This depends on how you gauge Rees-Mogg?

”Correct. Fantabulous.”

So you cant be sacked by May if Porton Down contradicts some definitive statements of yours over the Skripal case?

”She didn’t sack me when I adlibbed on Nazanin and made her hot pot hotter. In another age and time my goose was cooked. But not in the kingdom of lies.”

So you’re saying the news that Porton Down not being able to verify the nerve agent was made in Russia is just another Tory dead cat on the table?

”Of course!” Boris accidentally stood and then ducked again, “his supporters are so fanatical, so desperate to counter the right wing press smears they’ll grab at anything. They’re falling right into the trap and doing the work for us!

You think a Daily Mail reader is going to believe the truth?

Amd how the hell can Porton Down prove it without access to Russian labs?

This buys us days of distraction regarding Cambridge Analytica. Time to rub out more of the trail. What! What!”

Well that makes sense.

”Nothing makes sense,” Boris winked, “Thats the Putin playbook.”

Posted on

Downing Street to test Irish Border solutions by imposing a border between Camden and Westminster

Downing Street was so on the front foot today they were a few steps ahead of themselves and in danger of tripping themselves up as they announced they are testing solutions to the Irish Border puzzle by imposing a border between Camden and Westminster.

“It’s going to rock,” David Davis said, making a rare public appearance away from the subsidised Common bar, “I was having a swift one with Boris, well, it was more like ten, but that’s by the by, and he got out a fag packet and was going to throw it in the bin.”

Mr Davis intervened.

“I said, Boris, I’ve got a pencil and we can solve the Irish Border solution right now and save Brexit.”

What did Boris say?

“He wasn’t really paying attention. He was eyeing up this blonde filly in a corner and wondering if he was supposed to be running to her or away from her.”

But a few shots of tequila later?

“We did it. As my brain fizzed I knew it was obvious. We needed a guinea pig to test solutions out on.”

You’ve got the entire United Kingdom as a guinea pig though?

“Yes, but we’re in danger of terminating that experiment early. We need a smaller guinea pig. Like a micro guinea pig. Or just a little one.”

So that is how you hit on the Camden and Westminster border idea?

“I should hire you. You’re ahead of the story at each step,” Mr Davis swayed, “send me your CV. Or better yet, find out if you’re related to anyone in the cabinet. It’s a lot faster to screen new employees that way.”

So what’s the first test?

“The hard border. Military installations and concrete walls and barbed wire and machine gun nests. Pretty much how we expect the Irish border to look by 2025 once the organised crime gets involved in smuggling when we’re out of the customs union.”

Won’t that make for congestion in central London?

“Maybe you’re not as smart as I thought. There won’t be any congestion if no one can move between Camden and Westminster. It will actually improve traffic flows in London.”

But the hard border won’t work.

“Yes it will. People will just go to the end of it and drive around. It’s bloody genius. We impose a border. We keep the DUP happy and life goes on as usual.”

But they won’t be able to drive around the hard border on the border of Ireland.

“Don’t send me your CV,” Davis sighed, “you haven’t even heard of boats.”

Posted on

U.K. customs officers begin training for post Brexit US food imports in full uniform

A blow for fifth column Brexit saboteurs today with the announcement from the Home Office that U.K. border force customs officers have begun training for post Brexit US food imports in full uniform.

”This will stuff those who say we aren’t preparing for life after Brexit right up,” Liz Truss said, in a joint statement released and read by Priti Patel.

”And what’s more no one can accuse your government of wasting hard earned taxpayer’s cash on the uniform design, as we’ve looked backwards for inspiration,” Priti Truss continued, “which is about as Brexit as you can get.”

The medieval plague doctor look is certainly flash.

We asked our resident fashion correspondent to comment on both the design and utility of the swish outfits.

“The new uniforms are certainly eye catching. They feature a classic fedora style hat and a beaked face mask that is certain to have any customs officer, no matter their length of time in post, feeling confident in their work,” Gary Searchlight commented.

The beaks come in varying sizes too, and can be chosen depending on the food being inspected.

”If for instance it’s American hormone stuffed chicken breasts then a long beak can be worn,” Gary reassured, “or if it’s Aussie beef, perhaps a shorter beak.”

And what are the beaks made from?

All beaks are made from one hundred percent British tanned leather and lacquered at a new site purpose built in Pembrokeshire.”

This will help see off complaints that Brexit will mean cheaper clothing imports from abroad at the expense of home manufacturers too?

”Quite right. With one exception.”

Which is?

”The beaks for inspecting Chinese origin, antibiotic soaked pork have been sourced from Chernobyl, as only the native woodpeckers of the famous region have mutated long enough beaks for that task.”

I’m sure no one will complain about a little international trade.

”It’s why we have to leave the EU,” Gary agreed, “we can’t comtinue to base our entire economy just on Cornish pasty exports to France.”

And how will the money saved on the design be spent?

”By Dominic Raab, on maps.”

Posted on

Australian Cricket Board agree to buy all sandpaper from UK post Brexit in exchange for hormone treated beef

The first great trade deal of Global Britain has already been struck. Australia has agreed to supply beef in exchange for British ball-tampering technology.

The mainstream press have pounced upon the story, in order to avoid reporting any news. Who cares that a small, noisy group of people is feeding anti-Corbyn stories to all and sundry? What does it matter that Brexit is failing? Let’s slag off the Aussies instead.

Liam Fox was understandably jubilant on all fronts. “My tickets to the Ashes were well worth the money the taxpayer forked out for them,” he crowed. “England showed them how to cheat without being found out.”

But England lost the series 4-0.

“But nobody saw them cheat!” replied Fox. “Now the Aussies ripped the ball to shreds and mended it with gaffer tape. It worked, but wasn’t exactly subtle, was it? British sandpaper, concealed in a pocket, is the way to do it!”

Tell us how the trade deal came about.

“I was chatting to my Aussie counterpart during the lunch interval,” Fox disclosed. “The beef was excellent, much better than ours. So I offered him the chance to cheat undetectably at cricket in exchange for as much delicious meat as he could spare. He agreed, and I swelled visibly with pride!”

Maybe that was just the hormones.

British beef has lost popularity recently. Cattle raised in cold, damp Britain yield tough, tasteless meat. Aussie beef, from cattle raised on sunshine and hormones, tastes of success, albeit fraudulently obtained.

A perfect metaphor for Brexit, then.

John Bull, of the Beef and Bullshit Corporation (BBC), was not happy.

“Why are we doing this?” he moaned. “British people should eat British food. Even if it is expensive and tastes of cardboard. It’s like our passports being produced in France. I thought we had got our country back!”

Empire Beef, as it has been branded, will be available as soon as England have regained the Ashes from the cheating colonials.