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English words starting with eu- to be re-potatrioted in 2019 to help make England different

The newly established ‘Ministry for Potatriotic Culture’ has informed an eager country that english words starting with eu- are to be re-potatrioted in 2019, to help make England different.

“We will be removing the e from the -eu prefix. It’s part of the Great Leap Forward into the unknown, “Secretary of State for Potatriotism, B Ediot MP, told LCD Views,

“modern english has become littered with aggressive imported words that are driving out the useage of indigineous inglish words. We will put a stop to that. It’s my ministry’s raison d’être, if you will. To raise the cost of Inglish words and make them valuable again.”

It’s believed the minister has identified the prefix -eu for action especially as it’s the gateway to dilution of traditional English words.

”If we can stamp out -eu when we stamp out EU in our lives, we can make a very different england going forward. One that Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland will also feel the benefits of, especially if we can encourage them to more readily use proper Einglish too.”

Like in the good old days?

”Yes. Back when we married our cultures together seamlessly by accepting only Ainglish was worth speaking. And english didn’t become the amazingly diverse and popular language it is by cross pollination with our languages. That’s not how it works.

Immigrants have given us nothing of value, that’s a key message in Brexit, which is supported in a very unifying way in parliament. It’s helping make us grate again the world over.

Although it’s important to understand that being envaded by Ingland was always solely beneficial.”

So words like uphemism, uthanasia, urope, ugenics will become the way forward?

”Yes,” B Ediot said, “making a different United Kingdom after making a success of Brexit is the way to make it a utopia.”

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Momentum activists react calmly to news of new centre left political party

Momentum social media activists have reacted calmly to breaking news this morning of a new centre left political party.

”Do I look bothered?” F Uming told LCD Views class traitor correspondent, “we’re so left we’re so right about everything. As only we represent the people, except for anyone who doesn’t agree with us, you know scum, why would I be bothered?

People who disagree will be re-educated sooner or later. They don’t need a voice as it’s inconceivable they could have any legitimacy.”

F Uming had to stop for a moment to retweet “yellowtorytardenabler” five hundred times at someone sharing news of the new party with a positive spin on it.

So you don’t see a new centre left force in British politics as a threat?

”Only Blairite traitors would vote for them, so what’s to worry about? A rich man’s party only for the rich. Tory enabling scum.”

But some would suggest Jeremy Corbyn is enabling Theresa May’s neocon chums to push through Brexit, in spite of the unceasing evidence of the damage it is causing and will cause? You know, the long game? Is not serving our democracy.

And this is why they will not vote for Corbyn’s Labour, precisely because they believe Brexit will hurt the most vulnerable the most?

”Let’s get one thing straight. Brexit is a Tory project. Corbyn three line whipping his MPs to vote for article 50 before any preparation or real analysis of the impact was done is leadership. He dropped May right in it.”

He votes with the Tories every crunch point…

”Blairite.”

But.

”Blairite scum.”

I didn’t support the Iraq War. And I’ll save you some time, I didn’t support any of the damaging policies brought in from 2010 and believe the bankers should have been held to account for the financial crisis.

”Yellow Tory.”

You’re not addressing my concerns.

”Insulting you is how I win and means you’ll vote for us.”

No. Not when I see your leadership assisting the government in reducing the country and living standards and supporting what I believe is the tax dodger’s dream of Brexit.

Not to mention all the broken promises, lies, suspected voter manipulation wrapped up in Brexit. Also the risk to peace long term on the island of Ireland.

“Tory class traitor.”

And, given that we know half the country, and likely more if you consider polling of people who didn’t vote in the EUref of 2016, don’t want Brexit, shouldn’t the job of the official opposition be to give them a voice?

”You’re a libtard Tory shill,” F Uming won the debate, “I knew it from the moment I saw you. Blairite.”

How will Corbyn afford his social policies, which by and large most centrists and left of agree with, with Brexit?

”I’m still saying Blairite.”

That isn’t an answer.

”Of course it is. Labelling someone who questions the leader a ‘Blairite’ is the way I win every debate online. It’s how we’re going to triumph and create utopia, because who won’t vote for us? We’re so bloody sure we are right. You however, by disagreeing with me are making people homeless.”

You’re not winning me over.

“You don’t matter. Get that into your thick yellow Tory head. We are going to win. At least on Twitter once everyone who disagrees with us has blocked us and we can only talk to ourselves.”

F Uming, thank you for your time.

”Blairite.”

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Prince of Wales to spend weekend planking stream in prep for being renamed The Severn Bridge

The intermediary between Prince Charles and the rest of us has announced today that HRH is to spend the weekend planking a stream in the grounds of Balmoral in preparation for being renamed The Severn Bridge.

”He’s building bridges,” the footman said, “he’s terribly distressed regarding the kerfuffle over those patriotic chaps wanting the rename The Severn Bridge, The Prince of Wales, so he’s devised a compromise to please most parties.”

It seems as part of the Prince’s offer he will allow The Severn Bridge to take his name and position and he will do so in kind.

”He is going to have to take some heavy traffic,” Prince Charles’ man told us, “but if you consider his day to day life, it won’t be much change.”

But while the peace offer shows he is ready and suited to be monarch, not everyone is best pleased by the Prince’s intentions.

”I don’t want to be a bally bridge,” Prince William is reported to have said in private, “I want to be king. I want my first born to be king and his first born, boy or girl, to expect to be king in the fullness of time. A flipping bridge? A common toll bridge at that? I’ve half a mind to stage a palace coup.”

Prince Harry is said to be upset by his father’s plan also.

”What’s that make me then? An overpass on the M4 I suppose? Or a bloody pedestrian bridge? A railway siding at Waterloo? Jesus wept. I’ve half a mind to stage a palace coup. I told my fiancé she had an outside chance at sitting on the throne one day, not at being a multi-story carpark outside Bath.”

As to what The Severn Bridge thinks?

”I’m glad someone thought to ask,” it told us, “I’m going to have a bugger of a time waving and asking people what do you do? But I’ll do just fine at taking the money I suppose.”

As part of the transition it’s understood Charles is to take up residence in Caernarfon Castle, the traditional seat of English power in Wales, so that should please everyone too.

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U.K. placed in intensive care after contact with toxic substance

LCD Views has been ordered to strap on the face mask, snap the rubber gloves and issue the public service message that the U.K. has been placed in intensive care after contact with a serious toxic substance.

”Scientists at Porton Down are working furiously to determine the exact toxin used,” Dr B Offin informs us, “it’s most likely cooked up from a recipe of Russian Cold War, or close after, origin and is thought to be especially dangerous if inhaled, but less so if rubbed on the skin to avoid getting the hose again.”

Dr B Offin wasn’t able to pinpoint the extent of Kremlin involvement, but suspicions are it’s in there somewhere, and being utilised by homegrown agents of both main political ideologies prevalent currently to further their own ambitions.

”It is inconvenient to have to quarantine the entirety of the United Kingdom. We had hoped just to shove England behind a curtain with a zipper and an armed guard, but it seems the toxin has already been transported across to Northern Ireland.”

But what about a cure? And a defence against further toxic attack?

”If the patient is to recover they will need to stop re-electing proven liars, as that’s the main source of toxic shock and the bigger the dose the bigger the damage.”

What about politicians that promise popular policies, like unicorns for all?

”You’re not paying attention. See above. Such types only faciliatate the damage after the major shock from another source. Truth must return and devotion to it and sanction for deliberate dissembling. It’s like sunlight killing germs, truth, we should try it. Can probably unplug the respirator and stand tall again if we do.”

Any other measures?

”Stop buying, sharing and in anyway interacting with The Daily Mail, Sun, Express and Telegraph,” Dr B Offin advises, “as they weaken your immune system and make you susceptible to the toxin in the first place. It would be bloody helpful if the BBC could stop interviewing liars too.”

Now there’s a further thought.

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Escape from the Garden of EU

God created the Garden of EU for the man and the woman to live in. He took a day off, as he was tired after six days of ceaseless creation. Unfortunately, free Will of the People was one of the gifts that He had given to mankind.

The Garden was fruitful, and the man and the woman were happy, and had plenty of all that they needed. They prospered and grew strong, and there was no need to cover up.

God placed but one condition on them. “You may eat of any of the plants in the Garden,” He decreed. “But you are forbidden to eat the fruit of the Brexit tree, for whomever eats of that tree will surely die.”

Now the serpent was the craftiest of God’s creatures. He persuaded the woman to eat the fruit of the Brexit tree. “For you will not die,” he hissed. “You will see the light, and know the truth which God has concealed from you!”

So the woman ate, and discovered that God’s plans were laid bare, as naked as she was. She became convinced that the Garden was too good to be true, and that the grass was greener outside.

“Cheers for the tip, Nige!” said the woman, Theresa. “Hey, Jeremy, try this, it’s lovely!” So the man ate too. The scales fell from his eyes, and he too felt as if he has been lulled into a false sense of security. So they created dull garments and set off for the Garden gate.

“Why are you leaving my Garden?” asked God. “Why have you covered your motives? Did you eat the Brexit fruit? Did I not forbid you to eat of the Brexit tree?”

“It was the serpent’s fault!” wailed the woman. “He deceived me!”

“In return for your disobedience, woman, you will have an insoluble paradox to solve,” thundered God. “And you, man, for your weakness, will Labour for ever in barren soil!”

He turned to the serpent. “You will crawl on your belly,” He declared. “You will forever be an Enemy of the People!”

“Get over it, God, who needs experts?” said the serpent. “We got are country back!”

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If you don’t vote Labour the Tories get in say people who forget how Nigel Farage became prime minister

“If you don’t vote Labour the Tories get in,” is on permanent cut and paste under the fingertips of Labour activists with just weeks to go until the polls, and the reverse for the three or four Tory ones that exist still. As no other parties exist in British politics and even if they did clearly their points of view no longer matter.

“We’ve also a fresh batch of vilifying insults to deploy on social media for anyone who isn’t prepared to kiss Corbyn’s saintly ring,” Jacob Rees-mogg told LCD Views, “you see Brexit is a crusade of proven lies, anyone with proper political principles is backing it.”

Something to chew on.

But why is the ultra conservative, ultra Brexiter, leader of the Borg, assisting Labour with its campaign chit chat?

”Because Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell and the crowd running Momentum are Brexiters,” the MP for stripping away the rights of the working man said.

”Their enemy is our enemy, so it’s best we work together until we fight over the spoils.”

That’s the long game?

”Yes.”

It explains why it’s taking so long.

But surely you run the risk of people voting Labour as a result of this now tried and tested phrase?

”You’re forgetting that the people who say it online often follow up with yellow Tory, centrist shill for about a week on retweet,” Jacob smiled, “so any wavering Conservatives will stay with us out of fear of being strung from a lamp post day one of a Corbyn administration.

As to the others who don’t think either a Corbyn or May Brexit is the answer, as they are clearly one and the same, those millions no longer exist and can be insulted at leisure due to their obvious thought crimes. It’s fantastic campaigning. Building alliances through insults and alienation.”

But it’s not even true. People abandoning both Labour and Conservatives and voting UKIP made Nigel Farage prime minister just with council seats and voteshare.

”And what a fine Brexit PM he’s turning out to be, he’s even united the leadership of the two main parties in U.K. politics behind his vision of a xenophobic little England for the future.”

Nice work.

I wonder what the rest of the world thinks of us now?

”They think we’re an example, mostly of how 1930’s values can be revised for the 21st century.”

British exceptionalism at its finest.

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Jacob Rees-mogg’s LBC radio show to feature family planning advice

Jacob Rees-mogg’s new LBC radio show is to feature family planning advice as a regular feature, the broadcaster has advised.

”Mostly he’ll be exhorting people to throw away their condoms, flush their pills, burn their coils and just breed,” programme producer K Hopkins told LCD Views, “as baby Jesus demands. You want baby Jesus to be happy, don’t you?”

Yes. Of course.

”There will also be a name choosing ceremony each week live on air, targeted at people who are stuck for what to name their sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth children,” Hopkins added,

“although participants will feature only after proving they inherited sufficient wealth to afford to have so many children. Octuvulist is a nice name, don’t you think?”

Of course. We adore the classics. It’s sets one’s issues apart from the great unwashed.

We hear he will also feature environmental issues?

“Of course. He will be promoting fracking under your home. This is so Global Britain has enough energy to go to war against the EU.

And every week he will remind women they will burn in Hell if they have an abortion. Baby Jesus wants that too, regardless of the circumstances.”

What about a cooking segment?

”It won’t feature too many recipes per se,” K says, “it’ll mostly be a diatribe about how if your children can’t afford a school meal then they should starve, as Jacob’s voting record demonstrates.”

Well, we’re very excited. But why Jacob and why now?

”Sooner or later Farage is going to do a Hopkins,” K says, “and he’ll be pushed out the door. So we need to get our next right wing bullshit artist in full flow in advance of Farage demanding people goosestep for Brexit. Oh, and it doesn’t matter how much he’ll lie and dissemble, the ratings will be ace.”

Well, that’s all that matters.

”You wait until he does his Lord Haw-Haw impersonation, it’s almost as if the man is there himself. He’ll also be giving great tax advice. Just like you’d expect from a patriot. Tune in, drop out, of democracy.”

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2045 German remake of Fawlty Towers features an episode with English guests

The year is 2045. Germany is the thriving heart of Europe, and whoever it was who said that they have no sense of humour has been proven well and truly wrong, for last night on the publicly funded GBC (German Broadcasting Corporation) Germany was treated to a new series of its favourite sitcom.

Set in a hotel, it’s called Fehl Turmen, which translates into English as literally “faulty towers”, and is so-named in tribute to an English sitcom from seventy years ago with a name that sounded like that.

The hotel owner, Basil Fehl, and his wife Sybil, had their hands full last night with a consignment of English guests, and Basil is warning all his staff:

“Don’t mention Brexit – I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it.”

He was alluding to the moment earlier when he’d done an impression of Nigel Farage, raised an imaginary glass of beer, and said “bloody foreigners”.

Of course, it all gets ugly when a family of English guests are ordering lunch:

MOTHER: I’ll have the gammon.

BASIL: Ah yes, David Cameron, he announced the referendum.

FATHER: And I feel like some fish please, I’ll have the cheesy ray.

BASIL: Ah, Theresa May, what was it she used to say? Oh yes, that’s it, strong and stable!

SON: Can I just have a hot-dog?

BASIL: Oh yes, Jacob Rees-Mogg, he was there too.

DAUGHTER: And I’d like some won-tons please.

BASIL: Oh of course, Boris Johnson, what an imbecile! That silly red bus, hahaha! [Making speech marks] Three hundred and fifty million! And people believed him!

At this point the children are crying.

BASIL: What are they crying about?

FATHER: Will you stop talking about Brexit?

BASIL: You started it!

FATHER: No we did not!

BASIL: Yes you did, you voted leave!

And so it continued until the English guests stormed out. This segment only covered the last ten minutes of the episode, but already it’s all the viewers are talking about.

The show is already being dubbed into French, Spanish, Italian, Greek and every other continental language, it’s being lapped up by audiences all across Europe.

Although how it will go when it gets an English translation is anybody’s guess.

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The People whose Will dictates government policy are the same People who can’t be trusted to name a boat

The Will of the People means The Will of the People only when it suits the government. Compare the famous poll to name a polar research vessel. In this case an overwhelming majority voted for Boaty McBoatface.

The boat in question was subsequently named RSS Sir David Attenborough. Despite the clear Will of the People. This is a clear subversion of democracy. We want are Boaty back.

Compare the ‘advisory’ referendum on whether to remain in the EU. The result stands, we respect it, blah blah. Not remotely an overwhelming majority, yet this counts as the Will of the People. The same People who can’t be trusted to name a sodding boat.

This all stems from David Cameron losing a game of chicken. Caving in to the hardline Eurosceptics in his party to (hopefully) shut them up, he called the referendum. Of course, it all went horribly wrong for him, as Leave narrowly won. Even then, he could have interpreted the poll correctly, and say that the public was divided. We could then have had a serious debate on the issue and would have all been spared the pain. Instead he fell on his sword like a coward and went to hide in his shed.

Theresa May is complicit too. Instead of calling a halt, as you might have expected from someone who backed Remain, she called a disastrous general election and thoughtlessly triggered Article 50. Is May another headless chicken?

The wilful misuse of The Will of the People has led directly to the UK becoming the laughing stock of the world. Which other nation would endure Boris Unsackable Casual Racist Goldenballs Johnson as Foreign Secretary? Who else would conceive of Victorian caricature Jacob Rees-Mogg as a serious contender for Conservative party leader?

Our special relationship with the USA is looking like a competition to elect the worst possible people. A race to the bottom. An Arse Race, if you will.

Brexit means Brexit. But No Brexit is better than a Bad Brexit. Thanks, Will.

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May to start trade war with Argentina to boost Tory prospects in May 3rd local elections

Theresa May has announced her intention to start a trade war with Argentina in order to boost Tory party prospects in the May 3rd local elections.

”It worked for Maggie,” Stephen Parkinson, Downing Street insider, told us while stopping by to kick our door in, “it’ll work for Theresa. It’s my idea. I don’t want anyone else getting the credit or I’ll put their whole family in danger for payback.”

It’s certainly a shrewd bit of politics and why shouldn’t it work?

”Have they asked Argentina about it?” our international trade correspondent wanted to know, “Trump is coordinating his trade war with China via back channels so both he and Xi look tough, the stock market tumbles and they all make a lot of money buying the right stocks in a bear market before stabilising things again. I’m not sure Theresa has put in the ground work?”

We put his concerns to Stephen.

“Groundwork is for pussies,” Mr Parkinson retorted, “we’re on full wing it mode. Day to day. Seat of your pants stuff. Groundwork? What age is your supposed expert living in? The early 2000’s?”

But will a trade war centred on a few international footballers give May the boost her party needs to not wipe out on May 3rd?

”That’s an easy one,” our political analyst chimed in, “No. 41% of the local elections are in London. Enough said. Remain central. F*ck Theresa May. And very possibly a bit of screw you Jeremy coming too. In order to unite the country behind her she needs Russia to invade the Shetlands, or maybe even Skye.”

Well, that’s encouraging. Good luck with your trade war Theresa come what May. You get this trade war right it’s another fifteen years of Tory rule and flag waving. Global Britain will make Great Britain grate even more. Full cheese grater.

*This article is to be redacted before printing so Boris doesn’t get any ideas about Scottish islands and Russia.