It was recently announced that the NHS would no longer provide treatment related to Freedom of Movement, such as constipation and diarrhoea. With Brexit in the pipeline this may well be just the tip of the iceberg.
We have been reminded during the negotiations currently taking place that the EU’s four freedoms of movement (goods, services, capital and persons) cannot be compromised. To these four can be added a fifth, the freedom of movement for shit, which we shall also lose when we leave the EU.
There will therefore, as they say, be consequences, or perhaps consesquelches. This at least was the view of the spokesperson at the newly-formed sub-department for Brexshitting the EU who advised that life would be different, and that we would have to adapt to the loss of freedom of movement.
We were passed on to Mysterious Martin with his crystal toilet bowl. He had been engaged to have a look into the future in the manner of Charles Dickens’s Christmas Carol, to get a taste – or smell – of what was to come.
We stared into the bowl, which was full of a murky brown liquid which let off fumes and a nasty odour. Martin held his nose with one hand and stirred the liquid with a toilet brush with the other.
“This stench is so bad, I’m almost tempted to cut off my nose to spite my face so I can’t smell it!” he gagged.
Gradually the mess cleared, and a line of people came into view (a bit like that infamous poster in the referendum campaign).
It looked as if they were waiting in an airport , which was clearly somewhere in Europe, under a sign which read “No Poo Queue” .
They were would be holiday makers who looked pretty glum (as glum as their bums) . One of them, a sad looking person who gave his name as Willie Havercrapp, was speaking to a television news reporter.
”It’s absolutely terrible, since we left the EU we haven’t been able to use the loos at airports in Europe when we go on a bog standard package holiday,” said Havercrapp. “We have to take a bucket and spade with us, not to build sandcastles with, but in case we have an, err, accident. And the bureaucracy is terrible, there’s far too much – when the border control people ask to see our papers, we have to bring out our toilet rolls to prove that we’ve come prepared and won’t put a strain on the facilities here!”
I think he means, it’s not the job that’s the problem, it’s all the paperwork afterwards.
“We’ve been advised not to eat anything near five portions of fruit and vegetables a day, in order to avoid the need to go to the loo,” Havercrapp continued. “A well known vacuum cleaner manufacturer has advised us to suck it up, and some of us are thinking of investing in space suits and little portable loos, like the ones you can get for your car. Mind you though, we’re getting used to this, what with all the public loos back home being closed to save money”.
He suddenly broke off, and dashed off, saying “I’ve got to go!”
The scene dissolved in a swirl of smelly brownness as Mysterious Martin wiped his forehead and gasped, “It’s pretty grim, but you can see the funny side of freedom of movement can’t you!”
As we ponder the loss of Freedom of Movement I can hear that song by the Moody Poos, sorry, Moody Blues. “If you’re going to go, go now”, and the advice our mothers gave us before going on a journey: “Go before you go!”