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First shipment of blue passports turned away at Dover for being metric

The new blue passports, which have been treacherously produced in the EU, will not be reaching these shores any time soon. Dover customs jobsworths have refused the first consignments because they are the wrong size.

It transpires that the new blue passports measure precisely 8cm by 12 cm. The specification stipulates that they should measure roughly 3 inches by 4 inches. Predictably, the tabloid press have seized upon this gaffe with great delight.

“Who wants a blEU passport?” squeals the Daily Mail. “We MUST take control of our passports NOW!” proclaims the Daily Express. Many items of calamitous bad news have been cheerfully buried in small print on page 73 as a result.

Cursory digging reveals that many of the now-useless decimal passports lack pages entirely. This is not a problem, as they are unlikely ever to be used, but they fail to communicate the vital illusion of global travel.

The ‘executive’ version of the passport does indeed contain pages. These pages are not made of the usual vellum, as this is too expensive. Instead, a parchment made from the skins of grateful unicorns has been used.

Including pages does increase costs, though. So corners have been cut to save costs. The passports will come without corners to get all dog-eared.

“This is a national scandal!” hooted passport expert Bergen Dee. “The incompetent EU cannot even get basic units of measurement correct. It is vital that we leave the EU as soon as possible, if not before that!”

Bergen Dee riffed about the use of Imperial measures being the first step towards reclaiming the Empire, before turning his ire on the EU again. “If you can’t even use a ruler properly, how on earth can you be taken seriously?” he shouted. “Britannia rules the waves!”

Don’t mention the fact that it would be much cheaper and simpler to retain EU passports. But that’s not Brexit. Britannia waives the rules.

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I will not benefit personally from Brexit, says man carrying suitcase of used banknotes

Many conspiracy theories surround the motivation behind Brexit. Will we all get richer? Will we take back control of. well, everything? Just don’t mention the Irish border.

One man who believes he has the answers is Phil Yerboots. LCD’s Financial Mismanagement correspondent went to speak to him.

“Brexit is for the many, not the few,” claimed Yerboots, glancing shiftily about. “This suitcase stuffed with used banknotes in my hand is completely irrelevant. I don’t stand to gain in the least.”

So, will we all get richer? we asked him.

“Errr, well, um… yes of course!” he stammered. “Look, it’s happening already!” He indicated the suitcase, which was leaking a few tatty notes. Shabby passers-by picked them up in surprise. “The trickle-down effect in operation!” bragged Yerboots.

An exhausted man dragging a huge trunk came up behind Yerboots. “Hurry up, Baldrick!” snapped Yerboots. “All the trunks of used banknotes need to be on the Cayman Islands plane by six o’clock sharp. Look lively!”

Suddenly, the sound of Abba’s “Money Money Money” rang out. “I’ve got to take this,” said Yerboots, pulling out the offending mobile phone. “No, Dave, wait until the NHS has collapsed completely before buying any hospitals!” he barked. “But I want Regent Street, Oxford Street and Bond Street asap. Yes, with hotels. No, don’t take any Chances. You know the drill!”

So, how does this work, then, we asked.

“When I benefit, everybody benefits,” he explained, patiently. “Everybody has a share. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to supervise a fleet of lorries carrying gold bullion onto the cross-channel ferry.”

Is the gold going to France, then?

“Of course not,” Yerboots retorted. “The ferry belongs to the Syndicate, and will sail to my secret headquarters. What is good for Phil Yerboots is good for the country!”

Heads I win, tails you lose. Brexiters have monopolised Catch 22 situations. Fill your boots!

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Brexit Dad helps British fisheries by taking his son angling by the canal

Brexit Dad Figel Narage is very upset about the future of fishing in UK waters. Feeling a responsibility to do something, he has taken a one-man stand. Narage is taking his son fishing by the local canal.

Narage’s protest stems from the concession of fisheries policy. The UK has gloriously taken back control by permitting the EU to dictate fisheries policy during the Brexit transition phase.

Narage’s near namesake, Nigel Farage, the face, voice and empty bank account of UKIP, has done his bit by attending as many as one out of 42 fisheries committee meetings.

Clearly, Farage’s valiant efforts have been in vain, so Brexit Dad is taking up his mantle. Armed with only a big stick with a string tied to it, and a butterfly net, Narage and son are Fishing For Britain.

“It’s my way of making a difference,” claimed Narage, from under a dripping umbrella. “The EU cannot impose quotas on British waterways! And there is no way I am chucking any back in, so there.”

Brexit Dad impaled another maggot on his home-made fish-hook and cast off hopefully. A partly-submerged shopping trolley and a solitary duck gazed back.

How much have you caught? we asked Figel junior, sitting sullenly in the drizzle.

He lifted the net. “Nothing,” he moaned. “We’ve been here hours. I’m dripping wet and freezing cold. I want to go home and play GTA 5, but Dad says I’ve got to stay.”

“Isn’t this great?” said Figel senior, ignoring his son. “I think we’re really bonding here. We will go home as soon as we have caught enough fish for tea.”

“I don’t even like fish!” wailed Figel junior.

The gifted British amateur is beating the so-called experts at their own game. We left Figel senior and junior to dissolve in the rain on principle.

Meanwhile, we heard a rumour that Mrs Narage, Krystyna, and her daughter Figella, were stuffing their faces at a friendly, European-owned Italian restaurant. But steering clear of the fish.

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Fishy Thames stunt to be trumped by all of Commons micturating on the rights of 65M people on Westminster Green

The Houses of Commons has moved to get back on the front foot today after Nigel and Jacob’s fishy Thames stunt.

“We can trump that,” Iain Duncan Thick told LCD Views, “we’re currently arranging to micturate on the rights of 65M people plus.”

In what has been called “the great micturation bill”, more commonly known as the EU Withdrawal Stitch Up, Parliament will collectively tear up the right of everyone in the United Kingdom to travel, live, love, study and retire on the continent of Europe.

“We’ll make a serial chancer like Nigel throwing some dead fish into the Thames look like a cheap, unintentionally honest publicity stunt,” Iain Duncen Smith continued, “imagine the look on the face of a family when they borrow the money at ever rising interest rates to have a much needed break on the Costa del Sol, only to discover there are irregularities with their visa and they have to turn about and fly back home on the overpriced charter flight?”

This sounds like Global Britain will be a place people will notice.

”They will certainly point at us!” Irritable Duncen Shite agreed, “especially when a lorry bringing food relief from France breaks down leaving Dover and we all start eating our neighbour’s pets. Best to practice now looking honest when you say you haven’t seen Felix or Rex.”

But do you think all the MPs elected to use their best judgement can piss on the rights of 65M people at once?

”We may have to form an orderly queue and go one by one. Trench coats will be on hand for modest men and she-wee’s for the ladies. It’ll be a hoot, just like the ceremony after to start scrapping all that EU red tape.”

You mean legislation protecting people’s human rights, workplace rights, gender equality rights, safety standards, environmental protections and so forth?

”Yes. That’s what Brexit means. Make sure you wear a zippered fly for the ceremony. It’s going to be a celebration of the traditional values of disenfranchisement of lower orders for the enrichment of a few.”

Global Britain.

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Long grass warns it’s about to die for lack of sunlight due to political fly tipping

An environmental study conducted by Cambodge University has warned that extensive political fly tipping by the UK’s governing DUP party, and their junior coalition partners the Conservatives, is now killing the long grass of British politics.

“We were shocked,” lead researcher, Professor G Election, told LCD Views, “we expected some browning in patches, as you always get that from lack of sunlight with localised build ups of dumped political problems, but what we found was extensive bleaching and die off on a scale that is unprecedented.”

But what is the cause?

“Predominately it’s the Irish Border problem. The coalition government at Westminster is simply unable to find a solution that both appeases Prime Minister Arlene Foster’s adherence to ideological dogma, regardless of the risk to the GFA, and adheres to international law. So they keep throwing the problem back into the long grass, but each time they do it’s bigger and more urgent and smothers more of the grass.”

What else did you find in there?

“Pretty much the entire Conservative cabinet is in the long grass in one form or another. This is to do with the bald faced lying that is now common practise for ministers of state. But how to fire them and keep Theresa May in office? Well, that’s a pickle for another day.”

I suppose there were other issues too?

“Yes. How not to destroy 80% of the British economy by leaving the single market. Remember the Chinese told us, in the EU the UK is a door to Europe. Out of the EU, the UK is just a door.”

What do you advise we do about it? Healthy long grass is a vital part of a functioning political life, necessary sometimes to buy time to solve complex problems.

“Well, at the moment it’s just being utilised to ignore complex problems while the government phones anyone they can think of who may know how to work magic.”

What’s your solution?

“Stop Brexit. Put all of Brexit into the long grass. The sunlight will kill it fast and it will break down rapidly. Basically it’ll become compost once it’s decomposed and the long grass will soon regrow to be used by the next generation.”

Is it that easy?

“Yes. We just say, given all the lies and the likely malign interference in the actual campaign, and the clear risk to the United Kingdom by pursuing Brexit, which is the greatest mis-managed privatisation programme of our time, we are simply stopping it. Which we can do. We’ve been told by our friends in the EU this time and again.”

I’m sure Jeremy Corbyn will bring this up at the next PMQ’s.

“Sorry. If you’re going to make jokes I’m going to have to terminate this interview.”

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First shipment of blue passports stuck in 10 mile truck tail back at Dover

Calls for increased tariffs on French Brie and Dutch clogs today as reports state the first shipment of potatriotic, British blue passports are stuck in a ten mile truck tail back at Dover.

The hold up occurred after the firm responsible, Franco-Dutch printers, Gelato, refused to pay the 500% tariff imposed on imported paper products by Brexminster.

”The driver of the lorry carrying the passports said he was under orders not to use the ‘express’ customs lane and its smart tariff payment system, as the processing fee added to smart payments by the British based sub-contractor responsible for processing was more than the tariff imposed,” passport specialist Paper Mashe told LCD Views, “which is a shame as the tail back in the express lane is usually only nine miles and not ten.”

It appears the driver turned off his engine and said he would have to wait for clearance from head office.

”But this only increases the cost as G4S, since winning the contract to manage the seamless border, have been actively clamping any vehicle moving slowly enough for their parking enforcement sub-contractors, Balls-Up, to get a clamp on.

It’s understood the clamp won’t be removed until the fine has been paid to Balls-Up’s sub-contractor for collections, Big Harry.

But as Big Harry was last seen drinking with his old flame Krystal late last night at the Fudge n Duck, no one expects him to surface until tomorrow, when they’ve run out of gear and he surfaces to score.

Unfortunately that’s nornally when Krystal slinks away and Harry returns to find the hotel room empty, damaged. This will trigger a five day bender ending in arrest after violent disorder in an off license in Enfield, where he first met Krystal all those years ago.”

So not much hope of getting those passports through Dover in time for the patriotic Brits who have booked for a holiday abroad this month?

”Not unless Scotland relaxes the hard border it recently imposed with England after Boris Johnson wouldn’t shut up about Culloden. They also cancelled all visas issued to English citizens, excepting the Cornish who are in open revolt.”

Will Boris apologise? Will Cornwall lay down their arms?

“Boris never has yet. He’s unsackable, even as the petition calling for his firing now has the signatures of over two billion people world wide. And the Cornish situation has only worsened recently as Jacob Rees-mogg, since seceding with Somerset, has arranged his militia on the border, it’s said with the tacit support of Westminster.”

So you’d advise people to plan on a staycation this year?

”Yes. Just like every year since we regained our independence from what, no one is quite sure anymore.”

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Biggest brain in Britain burning the midnight oil to dream up something dumb to say tomorrow

A report just to hand says the biggest brain in Britain will be burning the midnight oil tonight to dream up something dumb to say tomorrow.

The brain, more commonly known as Bojo the Clown, or Boris Johnson MP for Wtf, is said to be uncertain comparing Putin to Hitler will carry enough headlines tomorrow.

”He’s got to get Ken Livingstone on the blower,” distraction specialist Aded Feline told LCD Views, “if you’re going with WW2 references Ken is the master.”

It’s not clear if Mr Johnson will double down on today’s diplomatic coup tomorrow though.

”It’s a line call. Now that Russia’s greatest democrat has successfully gained re-election by beating himself he probably has little interest in keeping the song and dance improv show going with Downing Street.”

Nigel Farage and Rees-mogg did help out today by symbolising the waste and idiocy of Brexit, but it’s up to Boris to fulfil his primary function in office and capture the headline tomorrow.

”He’ll be hard at it. He’ll be reading the classics right now, absorbing none of the lessons, and preparing to deliver a winning quotation that will have the MSM swarming after him.”

It’s thought the pressure is at one of its highest levels for sometime as this shambles of a government and tits on a bull Labour leadership together take the U.K. to clusterf*ck levels not seen for years.

”This Cambridge Analytica story has everyone jumpy. Senior members from the Conservatives are all throw the shadowy, anti-democratic data mining, psyops companies. We can not have the focus on that.”

At least Boris can thank his Brexiteering colleague, leader of whatever it is that passes for an official opposition today for not asking about Cambridge Analytica at PMQ’s today.

“Bloody SNP did though. Traitors. They’re subverting the will of the people by suggesting the will of the people may have been subverted. Vince won’t stop bringing it up either. Some democrat he is.”

Good luck Boris, you’re going to need it, any day now that strong breeze is going to blow the house of cards you charge around in down.

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Food bank advocate Jacob Rees-mogg says watching Nigel Farage throw away food was very uplifting

Britain’s greatest food bank advocate Jacob Rees-mogg, MP for Want, says watching Nigel Farage throw away food this morning was very uplifting.

”To see such a staunch advocate of 0.5% of the economy, people he really, really cares about, just throwing their produce away in a wanton display of waste almost made me incandescent in the downstairs,” Jacob told LCD Views, detouring on his way to a fish eugenics conference.

”It must have been what watching Jesus divide up a fish and some bread was like back in the 19th century when women didn’t talk; the birth of the world. I’m a little muddled. It was really something.”

The choice to waste food in public, in a country where Jacob’s government has seen working poverty and food bank use grow at a rate only matched by his investments offshore in a dodgy Russian bank, and to use the produce of the industry they’re pretending to care about, and make that an animal used as a symbol of Christianity and charity, is certainly a devious and heedy mix.

”Doing it near the Houses of Parliament just deepens the public relations coup,” Jacob adds, “last week my government voted to take away hot food from potentially 1.8 million poor children, and here I am today applauding food waste! Huzzah!”

It was certainly a stirring sight.

”Uplifting is the word I choose,” Jacob clarified, “outside Westminster we I eat on the public purse one moment and damn to penuary the next? What better choice.”

LCD Views commends the courage of Jacob and Nigel, to have fronted a lie for so many years now, and to continue to do it even now they’re exposed, that takes a special sort of individual.

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The last known Brexit promise has died in captivity

The United Kingdom was in mourning today as the last known Brexit promise was reported to have died in captivity.

Brexit poacher turned gamekeeper while still poaching, Jacob Rees-mogg, is to bury the dead promise in a tearful ceremony in the Thames.

”We’ve had to hire professional mourners,” the MP for Emerging Markets told LCD Views, “as it was difficult to find anyone still credulous enough to get onto a boat with myself and Nigel now.”

Still, the ceremony is to mimic the one in which Nigel Fartage (never has been and never will be an MP) and everyone’s favourite fairy tale stepmother, Kate Goey (needs sacking Vauxhall, wake up now) paraded the promise on its capture in 2016.

”I wouldn’t say mimic, so much as mock,” Rees-mogg clarifies, “I hope it doesn’t take too long as I’m itching for another vote in the Commons to push Britain closer to Dickensian England.”

The death of ‘take back control of fishing’ is the last, following in a sad parade of extinction that began the moment the ink had dried on the EUref ballot papers in June 2016.

”We’ve killed them off one by one in as humane a manner as possible,” Jacob said, adjusting his specs and smirking, “the lower orders are so touchingly gullible, I’m amazed this farce is still going on.”

But what will you and other leading Brexiters do now the Brexit safari park is empty?

”Oh, we will start blaming the EU and the remoaners. Talk about fifth columnists and attempts to subvert the will of the British people, while attempting to avoid public inquiries resulting from the revelations of just how rigged things have become now that the Cambridge Analytica story has broken.”

This seems sensible. Sovereignty died with the Brexit White Paper, as we never lost it. The NHS funding promise died the moment the bus was parked. Control our borders was shot and butchered by the reality of physical space required, and the necessity of JIT manufacturing methods and how trade works in general in the 21st Century. Global Britain has been shown to be the imperial clothing set we knew it was. Strike new trade deals by losing all the ones we have? Who the hell ever believed that?

”Many did dear fellow,” Jacob smirked again, “It’s nice to have an electorate with so many pockets of desperation to take advantage of. And the irony, when you consider you helped create the sorry conditions to begin with. I do laugh with my chums at the club.”

I bet it’s rauccous with disdain. Strange how the last known Brexit promise was unable to keep its species alive. Lies normally beget more lies.

”Yes, quite, now do you mind, Ive got to go and waste fish in the Thames to better honour the uplifting presence of food banks.”

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Will moves to distance himself from the people after Cambridge Analytica revelations

LCD Views has an exclusive interview to print, broadcast and give away from the back of lorries today like some rag called The Metro.

”Will, of the people, has moved to distance himself from the people after the Cambridge Analytica revelations,” Rosie Searchlight explains,

“it’s highly probable the people will have something bad to say about Will, so we thought we’d let him get in first before he hears what they say.”

So it’s not a rebuttal?

”Of course it’s a rebuttal, Will has been spying, data mining, going through the trash of and eavesdropping on the people for years now, it’s not like he needs to hear what they’re going to say to rebut what they’ll say.”

Actually that makes sense.

So when are we printing the interview?

“He said he’d drop it over after he finishes shredding every bit of paper in his office and home, car and second cousins house. And burning all his computer servers.”

But don’t you need to look like you’ve interviewed him?

”Of course not. I agreed to allow an app called ‘Kittens! Kittens! More kittens!’ access to my Facebook profile back in 2010. Will knows everything I fear. He’ll know what I want to hear.”

It sounds like you’ll be leaving us for a job on Newsnight or one of the BBC Radio 4 flagship political spots soon.

“Oo! Do you think so? I’ll ask Will what the producers at the Beeb are thinking about me when he drops by.”

But doesn’t the data mining scandal put another set of concrete shoes on the feet of Brexit? We all know Will of the people is overwhelmingly in support of getting our sovereignty back.

”Not if Will can burn all the evidence first. And besides, thanks to Will’s legitimate work analysing the personal preferences, likes and dreads of the people supporting Brexit, he’s got them in emotionally. They will cling on stubbornly to stop other emotions taking over.”

Other emotions like what?

”The sense of being completely and utter conned, lied to by elected representatives and generally made a total ass.”

It sounds like the people need to distance themselves from Will too.

What emotion will this realisation of a con and stitch up presented as democracy cause?

”Embarrassment. Shame. Self loathing. Anger and probably self-pity. I can’t be certain how the duped people will react. Some will just tune out in response. Others may switch and work to take down the lying bastards who’ve tried to strip away their democracy though. Hopefully enough to make a change. Welcome those people.”

I know who will can ask, to find out who will do what.

”Yes. Will, he knows already.”

What about the gutless politicians who have gone with the “will of the people”?

”You mean like Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn and others?”

Yes.

”If they’ve half a brain they’ll see this as a get out of jail card.”