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Gavin Williamson to be knighted for services to herd immunity

KNOWLEDGE IS CONTAGIOUS : Former Education Secretary Gavin Williamson is the subject of rumours today with the belief being that Prime Minister Boris Johnson will knight him.

It’s not clear why Mr Williamson would need a knighthood, given he already owns a spider and a whip, but it could be because he’s been a faithful servant of evil throughout his tenure as a Secretary of State. Few can forget his impact as Education Secretary. There are many highlights but threatening to sue schools who refused to invite kids in to have a measles party and then ordering schools closed the next day was a star turn. So too the fight over free school meals, because everyone knows the children Tory policies have impoverished learn better when they’re starving.

“It’ll wind up the libs,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s also a payoff for his services to Brexit. Knighthoods are ten a penny in Brexitannia. Why not give old Gav one? The titles and the palaces help inadequates like Williamson believe they are somehow destined to rule. The bricks and mortar achievements of the past, the outdated honours system, all that pomp and circumstance guff allow us to ignore just how frightfully bad we are at government. Heaven help us if the whole show is ever brought into the 21st Century. Still, not a problem for Sir Frank Spencer.”

But while it’s normal for PM’s to payoff loyal servants there is a suggestion that it isn’t really his time as Education Secretary that the knighthood is for.

“He helped keep everyone bloody confused. He has also helped sell to schools a pandemic plan that makes children the best vectors for the virus in the country. If a few of them end up with chronic illnesses that’s a sacrifice we’re willing to take to achieve herd immunity. Just no one admit it publicly.”

When your child starts learning Latin you’ll have Sir Gav to thank for it. If they catch the virus and give it to you, if they haven’t already? You can thank him for that too.

Inmunidad colectiva – get your kid to translate it next time you take their temperature.

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Big Ben clock face to be replaced with traditional British sun dial

BRING ME SUNSHINE : DOWNING STREET will stop at nothing to showcase modern Britain to the world. There are to be no sacred cows, not even the sacred ones. Even famous landmarks are potentially “for it” as Prime Minister Boris Johnson levels up the country.

“We have to look behind us in order to go forwards,” a source inside 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “No one had considered changing the Elizabeth Tower until it was pointed out by the BLOODY GERMANS supplied the glass panes in the refurb. But Britain will have the LAST LAUGH.”

Under plans invented just now by LCD Views, and leaked to ourselves, the world beating bell, Big Ben, will be removed from the tower and melted down.

“It will then be recast as a world beating sun dial and the boring old Victorian clock face knocked out and the sun dial fitted in place. Most sun dials aren’t much use because not enough people can see them, but this one the world will notice. And four times a year when it’s actually sunny everyone will be able to tell the time. This will put Global Britain on the map.”

But it’s not just the old clock at Westminster that is getting the treatment.

“GMT will now be sun dial based too. We’re blowing up the atomic clock at Greenwich for a laugh and replacing it with a TRADITIONAL BRITISH SUN DIAL. World beating technology. Very British technology. And the sun dial will be Union Flag patterned so there’s NO MISTAKING IT FOR A FRENCH ONE.”

Town and village squares will also see their dull old Victorian public clocks turned into sun dials as the British wave sweeps the land.

“With our weather we can’t fail,” the source adds. “We’re even going to order Apple to make a sun dial app and then YOU’LL ALL HAVE TO DOWNLOAD IT.”

Plans to rearrange Stonehenge into a sun dial are also being drawn up as it is believed this will lead to a significant productivity boost to Wiltshire.

“Druids lose a lot of time rearranging those stones when the clocks change, but once the nothing old slabs are ground into dust and compressed into a sun dial shape they can get on with more useful British past times. Things like head hunting, putting heads on sticks and casting spells to RUIN THE GERMAN AUTOMOTIVE SECTOR.”

BRITAIN. WE HAVEN’T GONE COMPLETELY BATSHIT UNDER BORIS JOHNSON, we’ve simply let the most insane and batshit people we can find run the country for a time.

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Nadhim Zahawi fulfils his brief by making a badge saying “Educate”

WE DON’T NEED NO EDUCATION: New Education Secretary Nadhim Zahawi has made a stunning entrance. He has taken his cue from the much unlamented Matt Hancock, and completely mastered the job in a matter of moments.

WE DON’T NEED NO THOUGHT CONTROL: His simple solution, like all simple solutions, has completely bypassed the normal requirements to be intelligent, well-informed, empathetic and so on. These outdated woke hand-wringing lefty ideals have been totally superseded. In their place, a single, powerful, gesture. Zahawi has contacted a Tory donor, in the badge making trade. This donor (in return for an undisclosed sum, but sure to be the majority of Zahawi’s annual budget) has knocked up thousands of attractive lapel badges. These bear the single, powerful word, “Educate”.

NO DARK SARCASM IN THE CLASSROOM: The news has been greeted with stunned, admiring silence in classrooms up and down the country. “What can you say?” commented long-serving teacher Matt Riculation, with a hint of dark sarcasm. “I thought that the government had peaked by giving us Gavin Williamson. But now they have outdone themselves. This new badge is the solution to all our problems! Finally! I now know what I’m supposed to be doing all day, after a year off with no work, because we all know that working from home doesn’t count!”

HEY, TEACHER, LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE: “Yes, because it’s all a case of Tory education now,” sighed Riculation. No such thing as society, the individual triumphing over the group. I can see Zahawi simply issuing every child with one of these ridiculous badges and saying, go educate yourself. Leave it up to the individual’s Great British Common Sense. If that’s levelling up, I’m a Dutchman. Oops, not supposed to acknowledge the existence of European countries any more. The kids will end up as drones miserably feeding on conspiracy theories. I’m out of here.”

All in all, you’re just another brick in the Red Wall.

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“Agincourt Day” – Downing Street announce new public holiday to celebrate Britishness

CARRY ON HENRYING : Downing Street have taken a decisive step backwards to drive Global Britain forwards with the creation of a new public holiday.

Work has been ongoing for sometime now to determine which British achievements to celebrate with a day off for everyone, except the NHS and care workers. It was decided that the best way to promote a renewed sense of being British would be to pick one of our Great British monarchs, and celebrate their greatest achievements.

“We narrowed the choice down to one of the Henry’s,” a 10 Downing Street source says. “From there it was just following the PM’s order to choose the one who most wound up the French! Ha! Jolly good japes.”

The first Agincourt Day will be held on this year’s anniversary of the 24th of October and involve local fairs and pageants across Britain.

“Wife sales. Ducking stools. Bear baiting. Witch trials. Bubonic plague. Mass execution of peasants after a failed peasant revolt. All the great features of traditional 15th Century British culture will be celebrated and renewed. And with Union Flag bunting!”

Free DVD’s of the day will be shipped to France, as soon as someone can work out how to export them.

“It’s really going to promote a sense of national unity. Everyone needs to laugh and cheer and hate the Continent. It’s how we’ll capitalise on the opportunities of Brexit.”

To really make the day memorable too actors will be employed to replicate Henry V’s death from the runs after he’d secured France for his descendants.

“That will be the most Brexit part of Agincourt Day. Be sure to bring the kids. And if like the PM you tire of your wife easily, why not bring her along and sell her for someone else’s? Tory MPs especially are going to see that aspect is a tour de force.”

Agincourt Day – Get involved and feel truly British!

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U.K. Government to criminalise “being young” to keep its base happy

TAKE IT : The United Kingdom government is to drive forward its agenda of governing solely for the satisfaction of elderly Farage fans, as a way of hiding robbing the state blind, by criminalising “being young”.

While the decision to outlaw being born in the 21st century has been expected for some time, criticisms have been levelled at the new overarching laws.

In particular Tory MPs appear to be concerned the new law doesn’t go far enough. To see that it does a group have formed called the “Youth Research Group” or YRG, who will do no actual research and be taxpayer funded for the privilege.

“We don’t have to do any research because we know it all already,” a spokesman for the YRG told LCD Views. “The young need to be given the certainty of their place in a rapidly changing world and know that the place is the 1930’s. Anyone who rebels can be sentenced to farm work, hospitality, haulage and so on. Anywhere there is a labour shortage.”

But all is not as it appears as there will be a range of exemptions for right thinking young people.

“Members of the Conservative Youth will be exempt from the new laws. This will help embed in them the divine right to rule so they can then punish the future generations of youth when they assume their rightful place in government.”

Clearly the law will not be a surprise to most as a brief examination of what has happened to the country since the weird as fuck nostalgia act that is Johnson’s premiership began.

“If you want to see where we will go next just examine any UKIP manifesto. That’s who we’re governing for and the rest of you can go swing. Go swing? There’s an idea.”

A round of applause will be held for the Brexiters and Lexiters who helped us arrive at this exciting new departure from reality as Johnson couldn’t have done it without them.

“The young are advised to join in the applause of the laws which criminalise them or they’ll be in the dock faster than you can pay for a banana in pre-decimal currency.”

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Johnson to win youth vote by banning smart phones and reintroducing pre-decimal currency

ALL ALONE IN A COLD SEA : The United Kingdom has not gone batshit crazy, that much is obvious, it’s merely having an extended identity crisis. From which it will clearly recover in good order and everyone will be pleased with it.

The decision to keep a prominent monarchy and have the majority of the elected government be people of inherited privilege has in no way caused a conflict psychologically between what overblown, entitled nonsense the country’s rulers are weaned on and reality in the 21st Century world. For those not born to rule, the grand palaces they govern from compensate for what was missing in their early years as they struggled out of state schools and into the arms of the Tory Party.

Happily for the befuddled citizens of the shrinking island estate wedged between the North and Irish Seas they have a Prime Minister who is extremely capable of denying reality and doing whatever the hell he likes. Mostly because unseen forces profit from it.

The young of the island may feel a little lost, with all the upheaval of recent years. But that is just a fitting punishment for being young. Normally it’s a wedge of older voters who feel confused and lost as the world moves on and their minds calcify. Not in Blighty! Here the frozen neurone has taken back control.

But it won’t do to forget the aspirations of the upcoming generations entirely. They need to be guided, a hand held as they step along the suddenly different paths of Brexitannia.

“We will soon be banning smart phones for anyone who is not a Party member,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Which means for the great unwashed, as a rule of thumb, anyone under sixty. We’ll also be bringing back pre-decimal currency.”

The return of pounds, shillings and pence will do more than any other measure to help the youth adjust to living on an isolated rock, as the world churns on unseen beyond its borders.

“They’ll be so occupied trying to work out how to pay for this week’s bread ration they’ll forget that once there was a world with greater horizons. And they’ll have the Prime Minister to thank for that.”

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Wednesday Cabinet reshuffle sees UK food poverty drop to levels not seen since 15/09/21

PLEASE SIR MAY I HAVE SOME MORE : Fantastic news for social justice campaigners today with the discovery their work just got easier.

The reason for celebration is related to Prime Minister Boris Johnson shuffling the deckchairs on his personal Titanic yesterday. Many had expected the long anticipated flushing of the stools to have “zero to null” influence on the direction of UK governance because “Johnson is an autocrat who only puts subservient fools into high office to give the appearance of a democratic system of government”. Those critics are now attempting to get the finger out of their eye.

The most immediate and dramatic impact of the reshuffle is to do with the much spoken of “levelling up” agenda that Mr Johnson has promoted as his favourite slogan for the “time being”.

Food bank use immediately felt the impact of the butterfly flapping its wings in Westminster with national use dropping to levels not seen since Wednesday 15/09/21. It is also expected that the reshuffle will be the “pillow held over the face in front of the gun” when the planned cut in UC goes forward to encourage “exhausted people holding down several jobs in an increasingly predatory jobs market” to take on more work.

Mr Johnson will later address the country from the head of a banquet table to laugh heartily over his achievements. The public can expect to see soup and wine stains down the front of a “creased shirt worn to excite the keenest of observers”.

The task to level up the country won’t stop with yesterday’s triumph. With plans to drive forward in work poverty and charity use to levels not seen since “the darkest days of Dickensian Britain”. Ordinary folk are expected to applaud the reshuffle with a clap this evening.

“But not from your doorstep like the dark days of 2020,” a Downing Street source urges. “We’d like you to gather in crowded spaces for the clap in an attempt to get our national measles party over as soon as possible.”

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BREAKING : All UK zebra crossings to be repainted in Union colours to boost flagging UK unity

JOHN BULL WALKS HERE : DOWNING STREET have taken a decisive step today to help everyone forget about the looming cut to Universal Credit, and the natural increase in food bank use, by announcing a renewal of national symbols.

But the geniuses driving the United Kingdom forward at breakneck speed aren’t talking about polishing brass necks on old statues this time. This time it’s putting the Union Flag visibly in front of everyone. This will deal a death blow to the various separatist movements currently building up a “baffling head of steam” under King Boris.

“We’re starting with pedestrian crossings,” a 10 Downing Street source said. “Just imagine the shame and humiliation of your walk of shame home, after your first food bank visit, being transformed into an inflated sense of national worth as you see the red, white and blue painted on the road before you?”

The decision to paint the UK’s forty seven million zebra crossings will also be a huge boost to the domestic paint manufacturing industry. Additionally it will provide much need additional work for people about to lose £20 a week off the food budget, while already working several jobs.

The are further plans to hang Union Flag bunting between every single lamp post and telephone pole in the country to ensure that “Everyone knows they are British regardless of the empty supermarket shelves. Everyone except people Priti Patel decides isn’t”.

It’s rumoured the country’s zoos will be engaged to provide mascots for the revealing of each new “nationally energised, British crosswalk”. The hope being live zebras will be dyed red, white and blue and stationed at crossings to get “even the gloomiest naysayer excited about being British”.

Concerns about having people symbolically walk all over the flag have been dismissed by asking those furrowed brows to think about “every single action taken already by the Prime Minister and his cabinet”.

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Priti Patel keeps job in Cabinet reshuffle because “she still has so much love to give”

101 DUMBNATIONS : Great news today for bleeding hearts after Priti Patel was confirmed as keeping her job in Boris Johnson’s “underwhelming” reshuffle.

There had been speculation the energetic Home Secretary would be replaced, but that was only by people who temporarily forgot that Boris Johnson doesn’t care about the ministerial code, workplace bullying and the rule of law. Silly people.

Ms Patel has made a deep impression since her career was revived by Mr Johnson after Ms Patel broke the ministerial code by running a secret foreign policy agenda, and she would have been driven out of politics if the Conservatives cared about anything other than tax havens.

Granted the deep impression made is confined to eroding trust in Westminster governance across the four nations of the U.K. and the physical impressions of people protesting peacefully into the dirt.

It’s rumoured there was a brief discussion between the PM and the HS in which Ms Patel thanked Mr Johnson for his ongoing confidence and promised to “build a 100ft high piñata of a war refugee at Dover and beat it with sticks”.

While some big names did return to the back benches in the day of the blunt knives, they have been replaced by equal, and perhaps greater, levels of vacuity and incompetence. The ship of state is steady on its course.

Ms Patel is due to address the Commons later and will deliver a speech in which she will say she “still has so much love to give” before bursting into an insane and threatening cackle lasting several hours.

Afterwards she will say how much she is looking forward to the winter food riots and “taking the stick to Universal Credit claimants with an enthusiasm last seen in the ‘eorgian period.”

Further celebrations will involve a synchronised display of jet ski racists in the English Channel as the first blows are struck at the refugee piñata.

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Downing Street launches inquiry into why Europeans are harder to fool than ourselves

GAS LIT NATION : DOWNING STREET is privately seeking a solution to why it can’t pull the wool over the eyes of those wily Continentals in the same way as a lot of this island’s population.

The ability to hoodwink, con, confuse, rob blind, kill by negligence and serially abuse the UK’s voters has been the secret to Tory success for a long time, the voters just keep coming back for more. But Brexit is showing the UK largely impotent in Europe.

“Eurovision should have been a head’s up I guess,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “But we’ve been so busy with our heads down, noses in the trough we didn’t pay attention to the warnings.”

While the mystery will be solved, because we’re British, and we believe ourselves exceptional, it has come as a shock.

“We have about the worst pandemic death stats on Earth. We are underfunding and selling off all public services, while raising taxes to enrich ourselves and our mates. We’re trashing our trade networks. We’re leaving our health workers at risk not only from the virus, but exhaustion and cranks. The list goes on and on. And we’re still getting away with it. Why? Why aren’t people rioting? Why aren’t all opposition politicians simply joining as one bloc to demand we leave office, day in and day out, until we’re dragged out? Why does the Queen not intervene to stop us? We lied to her face. We’re superhuman super villains at home but useless as tits on a bull abroad. We need to find out why so we can completely trash Europe too.”

While the search for the answer goes on a “steady as she goes” policy will be maintained. This will provide strong and stable government and avoid the sort of chaos the British public has pragmatically avoided in four successive GE’s now, even as everything around them slowly turned to a pot of boiling piss. And we all know who’s pissing in the pot.