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Every ambulance waiting to get into A&E is a new hospital, says Sajid Javid

MAKING UP THE NUMBERS: The infamous pledge to build 40 new hospitals will now be fulfilled outside many overworked hospitals. Thanks to new counting schemes, an ambulance waiting to admit an emergency patient now counts as a new hospital. 

“We have delivered on our promise!” claimed Bad Health Secretary Sajid Javid. The illumination from his lightbulb moment reflected in many directions, his perfectly shiny scalp acting like a glitter ball. He looked left and right, and his audience started to dance spontaneously.” Think about it!” he continued, to a thumping electronic beat, the crowd now openly popping pills. “Every ambulance is fully equipped for an emergency! It’s a hospital on wheels! Givin’ me the feels baby! Yeah!”

Not exactly Top Ten material, but the ravers, high on sovereignty and dubious substances, didn’t care. “Give us another choon, DJ The Saj!” they cried. 

Javid shook his glittering head again. “Don’t take a chance, you won’t catch covid in an ambulance!” he rapped, his skills as acute as an antivaxxer’s grasp of conventional science. “Do the hospital dance, while I take up the power stance!” He stood with his feet as far apart as his immaculately tailored suit trousers would allow, and raised his hands to the skies. The room went crazy. 

“Put your hands in the air, to show that you care! I’m wearing my ‘CARE’ badge, because I’m DJ The Saj!” 

Impartial BBC propagandist Cora Lunesberg was seen high-fiving disgraced serial shagger Matt Hancock. 

“No need to guess, just say yes!” Javid continued. “Let’s take back control of the NHS! Come big pharma, like a snake charmer, so don’t you listen to big bad Sir Keir Starmer!” 

Off their tits on freedom and independence, free from EU restrictions on illegal substances, the crowd had completely lost control. They partied into the night while Javid slunk away, his work done. 

It’s a rap. 

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Aspiration Britain – life expectancy is above Medieval levels for “most areas”

PANDEMIC SHAMDEMIC : HEALTH SECRETARY AND BANKER SAJID JAVID spoke to the nation yesterday in a barely telecast spectacle of bollocks.

The key aim of the speech appeared to be to pretend that nothing is going wrong with the management of the pandemic in the UK, in spite of everything very visibly going wrong and many people pointing it out.

Quite why relaxing all restrictions and pretending the virus was gone, or could be controlled by “personal responsibility” has lead to such an extremely negative outcome is baffling for everyone. Sorry. For no one.

“We’re fundamentally incapable of understanding that the health security of the general population is linked to the economy,” a 10 Downing Street source defended the Health Secretary. “As such we think every fresh body thrown on the pile is worth a percentage point of growth. Mercifully we won’t consider the international comparisons that show not letting your country become a viral tip actually improves economic outcomes. But then what do you expect from disaster capitalists pretending to be a government? Oh and we’re complete wankers.”

Compounding the difficulties in not just letting everyone die are a few other factors.

“We’ve forgotten that life is sacred and the government is supposed to do it all can to preserve it, not just arrange bank transfers for mates off the back of a deadly virus. Oh, and there’s an insane streak of US style libertarianism in the Tories these days. Basically it’s a belief system that goes, if it’s not me dying my freedoms are worth it, no matter how unnecessary or small. Cough your last grandma there’s no way an ERG is wearing a mask in a crowded public place. That infringes on his inalienable right to be a complete cock.”

There is also another key metric that so far convinces the Health Secretary he’s on the right path.

“Anyway,” Sajid-19* shrugged, “so long as life expectancy in the House of Commons remains above medieval levels what is there to worry about? Now get on that crowded commuter train and back into the office you expendable plebs.”

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BREAKING : Inquiry launched to find easier national holiday for PM to save

COUGH ONCE FOR YES : DOWNING STREET has launched a wide ranging inquiry to find a new national holiday. The search for a more relevant communal festival is said to have been inspired by how difficult it now is to “save Christmas and all the other outdated guff we used to celebrate”.

The inquiry will be chaired by a random associate of the PM and his wife who will be paid £500 per hour to look for the “right answers for modern Great Britain”. But while a chum will be receiving taxpayer cash to come up with the answers, the public is expected to do the actual coming up with the answers.

But critics of the inquiry have said it is just another excuse to “hang bunting over the growing mountain of pandemic dead” and “distract from the catastrophic failure to secure our trading relationships with the broader world”.

10 Downing Street are having none of that and said “no one could have predicted that getting Brexit done in the middle of a global crisis would lead to a greater crisis”. The new holiday will allow Britons to “celebrate themselves in a way no one else is prepared to anymore” and “we should all get behind it or risk being barred from basic public services”.

The inquiry will hit the ground running too as there are several ideas already in circulation.

“Great British Canary in a Coal Mine Day” is thought to be top of the list because “the canary is already dead but we’re going to keep on digging”.

To ensure the holiday is a success the government is striving to run as many small and medium sized businesses “to the wall” in advance of it, so everyone has the day off and no one has an excuse “not to celebrate Mr Johnson’s achievements in office”.

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Liz Truss to offer Australia an Australia-style points-based trade deal

WHEN IS A DEAL NOT A DEAL: When it’s an Australia-style points-based deal, that’s when! It appears that the squeaky clean squeaky voiced pork marketeer Liz Truss has finally mastered believing six impossible things before breakfast.

But what does this all mean? The deal, which was proudly touted as a triumph not long ago, has been revealed as a sham. Champagne, or shambolic? 

So Truss has entered the fray, to save face, or at least to throw some more dead cats on the table in order that we might believe in fairies and unicorns too.

“We import 99% of our Vegemite,” explained Truss slowly, as if talking to particularly dense schoolchildren. “This. Is. A. Dis. Grace!”

It’s not as if a perfectly good British equivalent were not available.

“There is a solution to this,” she declared, pausing for effect. “An Australia-style points-based trade deal means we only buy stuff we want, not all the other rubbish that gets tagged along with the kangaroo testicles. We will only accept goods that reach our world beating standards.”

And how are these standards to be declared and maintained?

“We are going to appoint a Clandestine Australian Points Commander,” she said, with an undisguised note of triumph in her voice. “The Commander will assign points to all the tat that Australia tries to flog us, although we may insist he is more generous if the Aussies let us win the Ashes this time around.”

Truss disclosed that she has also tried to assimilate Australian culture, in a further bid to curry favour.

“I have learned the words to that song about Australia!” she boasted. “Listen… ‘I come from a land down under, where… something… can you hear thunder? You’d better get under cover!’ I can also play the flute solo, well a bit of it!”

Only one outcome. Nul points.

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Boris Johnson to pass new law stating Labour was in power until December 2019

REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 12TH OF DECEMBER : BORIS JOHNSON’S countryciding election victory on the 12th of December 2019 is set to become even more impressive following a new law passed this week.

The new law will rewrite history to “keep it relevant for the challenges of today” and will enable the PM to make changes necessary to properly allow him to move forward.

“The Great Rewriting Act allows the Prime Minister to keep history fresh and vibrant,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “It will also allow Mr Johnson and his cabal to explain to the British people exactly who is to blame for the frankly parlour state of the country.”

The law is thought to take its inspiration from the ingrained habit of Tory MPs to blame the “last Labour government” for any problem afflicting the country, even though they haven’t been in power since 2010.

“When you look at the disaster that was the Brexit negotiations it’s easy to see that if Labour hadn’t now been in power during the discussions it would have gone much better,” the source explains. “Mr Johnson’s Oven Ready Deal was the best of a bad job. Sleepy Starmer, Jobs First Corbyn and the Wrong Miliband Brother have a lot to answer for. If Mr Johnson hadn’t been able to outwit the EU into at least a basic trade deal heaven knows where we would be now.”

Quite how Labour will respond isn’t yet clear, although keen Westminster observers expect a muted response and an effort to be constructive with the latest bout of Tory insanity because “that’s worked so very well since the 24th June 2016” so why change tack now?

“Once the law has proven itself successful it is likely that Labour will find itself responsible for everything that happens right up to yesterday. This will allow the Prime Minister to credibly claim it will be a lovely day tomorrow under his governance. Day after day. Even as the country descends into total calamity under his watch.”

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Australian Trade envoy tells Liz Truss “No deal is better than a bad deal”

BLOODY COLONIALS : THE UK’S NEXT PRIME MINISTER LIZ TRUSS is said to be “baffled”, “blindsided” and “taking comfort in cheese exports to Devon” today after the Australian trade enjoy walked away from talks that she began as the UK’s world beating trade negotiator. This was before her rise to Foreign Secretary, a post she is now imbuing with the same degree of baffled detachment her predecessor did. You remember him, it was the Man Who Discovered Dover (he had to leave to destroy the Human Rights Act. Good Tory. Good good Tory).

“Liz isn’t sure what to make of the mess Anne-Marie Trevelyan is making of all her success,” an insider in Ms Truss’s office told LCD Views. “I mean how hard is it to take the EU trade deals that Liz photocopied and get some white out out and paint over any cracks? It’s a shambles. If she wasn’t so busy arguing with Raab over their 114 room grace and favour mansion she’d get a gang of UC recipients together and go back to her old office and make hell.”

The failure to conclude the Aussie deal is especially worrying as Brits had been expected to replace food with TimTams this winter.

“If people can’t roast a jar of Vegemite in place of a turkey there’s going to be a dip in the polls,” the insider frets. “If I was Johnson I would fire that clown Trevelyan and give Liz the brief of Secretary of State for International Trade. She can easily add that to her portfolio as she does sweet f all about the two briefs she currently holds. What’s a third?”

We did seek comment from the Australians as to what went wrong but they just laughed, and then kept laughing.

“It’s alright cobber! Your entire house of cards is on fire. Let’s pick up the talks when you’re suppressing food riots. Bloody poms. Crikey!”

At least that’s what we think they said when they weren’t shrugging and whispering “Biden told us to pull the plug as a warning for stuffing around the Irish.”

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This year’s Christmas German Markets to be replaced by Great British Markets

ONE MAN AND HIS BURGER VAN: This festive season will see an unexpected Brexit bonus. The traditional German Markets, which sell such unpatriotic delicacies as glühwein and bratwurst, will instead be superceded by Great British Markets. 

This year will see the rebirth of the Great British Christmas. All European influences will be excised and replaced with the naturally superior British traditions. 

So instead of German Markets, with their anti-democratic bright colours and vibrant flavours, there will be British Markets in glorious monochrome. 

But what will they be selling? Burgers are out, because they originate in Hamburg. Bacon sandwiches would have been available, before all the British pigs were slaughtered and incinerated because of the lack of British slaughtermen. 

Fish and chips would be an obvious choice. Unfortunately, the Great British fishing industry has been killed off, and nasty European cod and haddock have been banned. 

But even if the only truly British food on offer is a stale, crusty cheese and onion roll derived from 1970s bar snacks, nationalistic pride alone will provide a warm glow. 

Gluhwein, mulled wine, hot chocolate and other likewise European monstrosities will, thankfully, be banished forever. Instead there will be weak tea and keg bitter, made with e-coli-enriched British water. 

Christmas trees are of course German, so don’t expect one of those. Instead, bring last year’s holly wreath, and partner it with the ivy reclaiming derelict city centre buildings. 

We must also consider whether it is right to celebrate the birth of a man born over 2,000 years ago, bearing in mind that he was a migrant born to a single mother seeking asylum in a cowshed. Instead we should commemorate a British Messiah, and celebrate Borismas or Faragemas. 

Ultimately the idle British working man shouldn’t waste a precious day just because it’s December 25th. Humbug, bah humbug! 

Who needs fun anyway, when you’ve got sovereignty? 

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Matt Hancock appointed Minister for Saving Christmas

TURKEYS GONNA TURKEY : In recent days it has appeared as if failed Health Secretary Matt Hancock was going to continue to fail to regain prominence, now that he’s sorted out his domestics. Happily his old friend the Prime Minister has found time in his holiday schedule to help.

“Something had to be done,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Matt became a complete laughing stock again this week and looked like slinking back off into the shadows afterwards. Not while Boris Johnson has the power to stop it. He is still giggling to himself over the way Hancock assisted in ending his time as Health Secretary to make way for someone even worse. Why not get another laugh out of Hancock?”

The laugh appears to be in the form of a new ministry created just for Matt.

“The Ministry for Saving Christmas is going to be one of the largest in Whitehall,” the source explains. “Mr Hancock will be in the headlines daily leading up to the 25th of December. It’ll be all optimism and protective rings around presents, until the inevitable failure and deflection spectacle. Boris is going to be laughing all the way to the mince pies.”

The budget for the new department is not yet set, but it is believed that with Mr Hancock’s well developed ties to the business community he’ll be able to cut enough deals to make it self-funding.

“The only potential sticking point is whether or not Matt can get fat enough in time to dress up as Father Christmas and run around a turkey farm with an axe,” the source muses. “Although Boris is more than ready to get the prop beard splattered.”

Will Christmas be saved? Can Matt Hancock be the man to do it? Action Matt will give it his damnedest.

“Just remember as you see Matt on the television explaining how he won’t reveal the confidential details of a deal to supply tinsel by a bankrupt pizza box manufacturer that people actually voted for this. Hancock, the man who invoked the WW2 dead in his bid to become Tory leader and then doubled back on that. He did that and was returned to office.”

Saving Christmas? Can it be done?

“It has to be. It’s now the entire focus of the UK’s future economic and industrial strategy. Put your trust in Matt. If he’s got any brains the first thing and only thing he’ll do is commission a badge that says Christmas.”

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BREAKING : Job title of Prime Minister changed to “Tsar” in honour of Tory Party donors

PAY TO PLAY : 10 Downing Street has confirmed this morning that the official job title of the country’s most prominent minister has changed. It was felt the old title of Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and Northern Ireland was too long for modern attention spans and something “retro” and “catchy” would be best to reflect the contemporary British political climate.

“We settled on Tsar Boris Johnson because everyone knows what a Tsar is,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Rumours that Mrs Johnson came up with the idea first are true, but we will not confirm it unless everyone starts looking for her Rasputin.”

While the job title may have been shortened the public should not be concerned that the duties of the office held by Tsar Johnson have changed.

“If anything he’s taking on more work,” the source advises. “The new title reflects well the accumulation of executive power by 10 Downing Street and opens the way for the post to be inherited by one of Mr Johnson’s various children. The Queen is right behind it because the Royals will do what we tell them to if they want to keep their palaces. Also Tsar is reminiscent of the links of the British royal family with other historical autocrats. In this way it’s a very sympathetic change.”

The public are warned though not to be concerned that the connotations of absolute rule the title holds are anything to worry about.

“We’ll be passing a law to make it illegal to disrespect the office of Tsar. So if you’re bothered about it I’d keep quiet.”

But it’s not just a rebrand so Mr Johnson’s title reflects his behaviour and the direction of travel of the United Kingdom.

“When you have a look at the list of Tory Party donors you’ll understand it’s a really nice gesture by the Johnson’s. A doff of the cap to oligarchs who pay to play in the UK today.”

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Downing Street moves to outlaw laughing at German jokes about Brexit

I LAUGHED AT US ONCE BUT I THINK I GOT AWAY WITH IT : 10 Downing Street has become alarmed over the increasing number of reports of British people laughing at German jokes about Brexit. So alarmed they have decided to do something about it, just as soon as the country’s ruling couple return from their latest holiday.

“Priti Patel is incensed too,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “She’s sent a Whatsapp to Johnson saying not to worry though because she’s going to have the Border Force turn off the internet of anyone in the UK laughing at themselves. Border Force will be employed to this end just until the new Patriotic Humour Force can be set up. They’re advertising for staff now. You’ll need to have a deeply myopic and fantastical concept of British history to join.”

But with various ministers jockeying behind the scenes to position themselves for a run at the top job it’s believed Mr Johnson himself will take command of the response, just as soon as he finishes his latest holiday. And before he goes on his next one.

“The PM is thinking of a three strikes and you’re out rule. Share a post on social media of a German TV show laughing at Brexit and you’ll lose internet access for life. Distribute a pamphlet with a print out of a similar event and you’ll be sentenced to fruit pick on a Tory donor’s soft fruit farm. Download a video onto your phone and you’ll have to re-wallpaper his home. He’s a famous liberal and free speech must be protected.”

Hopefully the measures will remind British people that there is nothing funny about Brexit.

“Brexit is deadly serious. It has turned us into a global laughing stock. But when you’re considering whether or not to eat the cat or dog first this winter, and whether or not the use the less desirable [taste wise] pet as cooking fuel, you’ll soon wipe that smile off your face.”