WE DON’T NEED NO EDUCATION: New Education Secretary Nadhim Zahawi has made a stunning entrance. He has taken his cue from the much unlamented Matt Hancock, and completely mastered the job in a matter of moments.
WE DON’T NEED NO THOUGHT CONTROL: His simple solution, like all simple solutions, has completely bypassed the normal requirements to be intelligent, well-informed, empathetic and so on. These outdated woke hand-wringing lefty ideals have been totally superseded. In their place, a single, powerful, gesture. Zahawi has contacted a Tory donor, in the badge making trade. This donor (in return for an undisclosed sum, but sure to be the majority of Zahawi’s annual budget) has knocked up thousands of attractive lapel badges. These bear the single, powerful word, “Educate”.
NO DARK SARCASM IN THE CLASSROOM: The news has been greeted with stunned, admiring silence in classrooms up and down the country. “What can you say?” commented long-serving teacher Matt Riculation, with a hint of dark sarcasm. “I thought that the government had peaked by giving us Gavin Williamson. But now they have outdone themselves. This new badge is the solution to all our problems! Finally! I now know what I’m supposed to be doing all day, after a year off with no work, because we all know that working from home doesn’t count!”
HEY, TEACHER, LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE: “Yes, because it’s all a case of Tory education now,” sighed Riculation. No such thing as society, the individual triumphing over the group. I can see Zahawi simply issuing every child with one of these ridiculous badges and saying, go educate yourself. Leave it up to the individual’s Great British Common Sense. If that’s levelling up, I’m a Dutchman. Oops, not supposed to acknowledge the existence of European countries any more. The kids will end up as drones miserably feeding on conspiracy theories. I’m out of here.”
All in all, you’re just another brick in the Red Wall.