BRING ME SUNSHINE : DOWNING STREET will stop at nothing to showcase modern Britain to the world. There are to be no sacred cows, not even the sacred ones. Even famous landmarks are potentially “for it” as Prime Minister Boris Johnson levels up the country.
“We have to look behind us in order to go forwards,” a source inside 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “No one had considered changing the Elizabeth Tower until it was pointed out by the BLOODY GERMANS supplied the glass panes in the refurb. But Britain will have the LAST LAUGH.”
Under plans invented just now by LCD Views, and leaked to ourselves, the world beating bell, Big Ben, will be removed from the tower and melted down.
“It will then be recast as a world beating sun dial and the boring old Victorian clock face knocked out and the sun dial fitted in place. Most sun dials aren’t much use because not enough people can see them, but this one the world will notice. And four times a year when it’s actually sunny everyone will be able to tell the time. This will put Global Britain on the map.”
But it’s not just the old clock at Westminster that is getting the treatment.
“GMT will now be sun dial based too. We’re blowing up the atomic clock at Greenwich for a laugh and replacing it with a TRADITIONAL BRITISH SUN DIAL. World beating technology. Very British technology. And the sun dial will be Union Flag patterned so there’s NO MISTAKING IT FOR A FRENCH ONE.”
Town and village squares will also see their dull old Victorian public clocks turned into sun dials as the British wave sweeps the land.
“With our weather we can’t fail,” the source adds. “We’re even going to order Apple to make a sun dial app and then YOU’LL ALL HAVE TO DOWNLOAD IT.”
Plans to rearrange Stonehenge into a sun dial are also being drawn up as it is believed this will lead to a significant productivity boost to Wiltshire.
“Druids lose a lot of time rearranging those stones when the clocks change, but once the nothing old slabs are ground into dust and compressed into a sun dial shape they can get on with more useful British past times. Things like head hunting, putting heads on sticks and casting spells to RUIN THE GERMAN AUTOMOTIVE SECTOR.”
BRITAIN. WE HAVEN’T GONE COMPLETELY BATSHIT UNDER BORIS JOHNSON, we’ve simply let the most insane and batshit people we can find run the country for a time.